The Breakup Artist

by Shannen Crane Camp

“Hey, Claire, I think we need to talk,” I said stiffly, trying to keep the slight discomfort out of my voice.

  “Yeah, we do. How on earth did you convince David to go back out with me? I mean, I have complete faith in you, Mia, I really do, but this was actually kind of shocking. Even for you. He was practically begging to have me back. It was wonderful. Now all I have to do is dump him at lunch in front of our friends and all will be forgiven.” She smiled brightly at me, and I stared back at her, completely at a loss for words. After a moment of my open-mouthed gaping, I blinked.

  “Oh. Right. No problem.” I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but I smiled weakly at Claire as she bounded away down the hall. I still didn’t understand her logic of breaking up with him in front of her friends. My job was to make it so that she didn’t have to break up with him herself . . . like I said, some of my clients really just wanted me to set up a dramatic situation for them. They couldn’t care less about actually avoiding the awkward breakup.

  After her retreat I opened my locker and rested my head against the propped-open door, letting the cool metal chill my forehead. None of this made any sense. Why had David decided he wanted Claire back so badly, especially after he’d just kissed me? Was I really that bad at kissing? That obviously wasn’t the reason; I mean, even if I was a bad kisser, I couldn’t possibly be bad enough to drive him back into Claire’s arms.

  As I gathered myself together and went off in pursuit of Blane, a million emotions ran through me. I was happy I’d avoided the inevitable failure of Claire’s request, relieved that I had apparently had something to do with it, and hurt that David had begged to have her back. They’d never seemed happy together, even before I’d stepped in to ruin things for them. But as much as I hated to admit it, this was for the best. I couldn’t let myself get too attached to people when my job was to destroy their happiness. Breathing in deeply, I let the thoughts of David go, hoping that they wouldn’t haunt me anymore.

  Blane was sitting in a group filled with jocks, a cheerleader at the very center of their attention. I had assumed Lexi had told her friends what I’d be doing, so I could at least avoid dirty looks from them as I threw myself at Blane. Putting on a peppy smile, I walked over to the group, very aware that I only had seven minutes until the bell would ring. It wasn’t hard to get Blane’s attention at all and I thought I might be able to get out of this one without a date. His head turned when he noticed all of his friends taking in the sight of me. He looked me up and down appreciatively, almost hungrily, and I suppressed an annoyed sigh.

  “What can I do for you?” he asked, puckering his lips slightly as he waited for my response. Jocks were always so hard to deal with. Smile still firmly in place, I didn’t answer and simply took a seat next to him. His friends watched me with disbelief, wondering why this hot girl had suddenly decided to infiltrate the ranks of the popular. The girls, however, jumped right back into conversation with their respective boyfriends, obviously in on what I was there for. With the focus of the group off of me, it was easier to concentrate on Blane, and just how to get rid of him.

  I crossed my legs toward him so that my foot lightly rested against his calf. The skirt I was wearing was just short enough that it slid up slightly with this movement, instantly drawing Blane’s eyes to my nicely tanned legs. I never really appreciated being ogled, but sometimes it was just the quickest way to get the job done. Obviously the flattering elements of my tank top weren’t lost on him either as I launched into my story.

  “My name’s Amy,” I said sweetly. “I’m friends with Lexi.” These words brought a slight frown to his face as he remembered his girlfriend. I leaned a little closer to him as if to say that he could have me if only he didn’t have that one little obstacle in the way. With that idea planted in his mind, I continued. “You see, she was sick today and we were supposed to hang out, so I figured, being the nice guy you are, you wouldn’t mind if I sat with you?” I looked up at him from under my eyelashes, my face the perfect mask of innocence.

  He smiled back at me and nodded. “Of course you can sit here,” he said smoothly, obviously used to being approached by pretty girls. “And Lexi’s not my girlfriend,” he corrected me. Unlike the little situation with David and Claire, I knew for a fact that Lexi Monroe was still this boy’s girlfriend, which meant the lie signified my partial success.

  “Oh, well, that’s funny,” I said, still keeping my voice as guiltless as a child’s, “because I thought you two were dating. She did actually seem to think it’d be a good idea if you guys maybe did break up though . . . which I must admit would make me pretty happy.”

  “She said that?” he asked, and for a moment I thought I’d actually hurt his feelings. Silly me. “Well, that’s a relief.” He breathed out a huge breath just to solidify his statement, and I painfully kept my smile in place. This job had begun to make me doubt relationships as a whole. It seemed like almost everyone I had to break up was more than willing to drop any connection they had with each other because of popularity, or another pretty girl hitting on them, or their stupid reputation. The whole thing seemed to be so messed up and skewed from what reality should be. It was just sad. And yet, here I was, making money off of the madness. I didn’t have time to ponder this though, because I felt the presence of another body next to me instantly.

  I looked over at the newcomer only to see David’s grinning face staring back at me. “Hey, babe,” he said, as if he’d been saying it his whole life. I noticed with one quick visual sweep that he was dressed differently today. He looked kind of like a jock actually. Dressed almost exactly like Blane. My eyes widened, and I quickly looked back to Blane, hoping beyond all hope that if I just ignored him he’d go away. I didn’t quite know what he was doing, but it was bad whatever it was.

  “Why are you over here instead of with me, where I can appreciate the view a bit better?” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder as he said this and nudged his nose against my ear, sending instant shivers down my spine, which I pointedly ignored.

  “Is this your boyfriend?” Blane asked stupidly, obviously a little slow on the uptake. This whole thing was going horribly wrong. I opened my mouth to say no, but amazingly David beat me to it, informing Blane that he was, in fact, my boyfriend. I turned around to face David, either so I could kill him or yell at him, but when I turned he kissed me fiercely, silencing my protests and solidifying his point to Blane.

  “See ya,” he said to the jock next to me as he ushered me away, his arm still wrapped tightly around my shoulders. I was completely dumbstruck, my mouth hanging open slightly as he continued to push me through crowds of people. The bell had just rung, so the herd was moving quickly through the halls. David pulled me aside near a water fountain, which is when I finally regained my senses.

  “What is wrong with you?” I whispered angrily. “I was . . .” I let my words trail off. I couldn’t very well say I was working. That would give away my entire big secret.

  “Yes?” he prompted a smug smile on his face.

  “I was busy,” I finished, keeping the anger hot in my voice. “Besides, Claire told me you two were back together,” I spat, not needing to fake rage this time.

  “Only until she breaks up with me at lunch,” he said casually, as if this were the norm for a relationship, which, let’s face it, in high school, it sort of is. I gaped at him, wondering how he knew this was what was going to happen. “Come on, Amelia, you didn’t think I’d give up on you that easily, did you?” His words sent a slight panic through my whole body. He had figured it out.

  “When did you find out?” I asked shakily. “Was it when I dyed my hair for no reason or when you saw me with Blane?” I was doing it again—the too-much-information thing. What if he didn’t actually know anything and I was the one who’d just turned myself in?

  “Give me some credit. Just because I’m dressed like a jock doesn’t mean I think like one. I’ve known for well over a year, even with you changing schools all the time.”

>   A year? How could he have possibly known for a year? As was often the case with David, nothing seemed to be making sense, but everything seemed to be falling apart. I took in a deep breath, aware of the quickly emptying hallway around us.

  “So what do you want?” I asked finally.

  “I want you to stop,” he said simply. “It’s not right. People need to fight their own battles. Besides, do you really think it’s okay to break these boy’s hearts and then make it seem okay with false promises?”

  I made an indignant sound at him. He was being far too harsh. “All right, David, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but most of the relationships in high school aren’t really true love, soul mate, eat your horrible cooking just because I love you type of things. They’re ‘I’ll date you because it makes me look good and I’ll dump you for the same reason.’ That’s what high school dating is all about, so I’m pretty sure I haven’t ruined anyone’s life.” His assumptions were making me angry and the nonchalant way in which he judged me made me furious. Who was he to judge what I do?

  “It doesn’t matter if you’re destroying people or not, Amelia. Don’t you think you’re hurting the people who hire you? If they never have to fight their own battles, isn’t that a problem?” His voice held an angry edge that worried me, and I tried to grasp onto anything to defend my character with.

  “You didn’t even like Claire, did you?” I asked finally. He laughed a short, humorless laugh.

  “She’s one of your regular clients I’ve noticed, so I figured I’d only have to date her for a week at the most in order to obtain the honor of meeting you.” He said all of this with a wry smile on his face, and the expression made me want to slap him. Hard.

  “So you used her to get to me. How is that any different than what you’re preaching against? Apparently you’re no angel, either.”

  “Do you really think I could hurt Claire by letting her date me for a week and then letting her break up with me? I doubt she even remembers the names of half of her boyfriends.” I knew that what he said was true but it definitely wasn’t helping my case any. Why did I have to have such sleazy clients? It would be so much easier to defend my character if I actually had a weapon to defend it with.

  “Why is it that you think the girls in this situation are horrible monsters and the boys are innocent angels being hurt by my acts?” So this was a slight exaggeration compared to what he had actually said, but he got my point.

  “I’m not saying that, Amelia.” Again with the chronic name usage. “I’m saying that both parties are victims of what you do. You’re making it so that these girls don’t learn how to do things for themselves, and you’re obviously hurting the boys by denying them an actual explanation for their girlfriend’s sudden cold feelings. Besides, how do you know that your actions don’t have more serious repercussions than what you actually see? Just because these boys don’t break down in a fit of tears right in front of you doesn’t mean that they aren’t seriously hurting.”

  Being a person with no personality and no friends meant that no one questioned my judgment very often, which was exactly the way I liked things. It was difficult for me to stand by and listen to this boy make judgment calls about my character, when I might not even possess character. I glared at David for a moment before shaking my head.

  “I’m going to be late for English,” I said simply, storming off down the hallway.

  “I’m really sorry, Amelia, but I’m going to have to end your business. But no hard feelings, okay?” I heard him call after me, answering the unspoken question I’d been too afraid to ask.

  Chapter Twelve

  I spent all of English wondering if, despite David’s interference, I’d been able to complete Lexi’s assignment. Blane seemed to understand that they were officially broken up, but I didn’t feel like I could be sure of anything anymore. When the bell finally rang for lunch, I stayed in my seat, unsure of what I should do. I knew what I definitely shouldn’t do—I shouldn’t go talk to Blane or David.

  My only hope for any sanity this week was resting on Claire. If she really did break up with David during lunch, at least I’d be off the hook there. But what about David’s threat to destroy my business? Could one boy really single-handedly tear down what I’d spent years building up? It didn’t seem likely, but I couldn’t keep a small, nagging feeling from penetrating my thoughts. David had, after all, been at this plan for at least a year. That small detail did rev up the paranoia quite a bit. That someone could actually be watching me for a year without my knowledge was extremely unsettling. I made it a point to blend in with the crowd and fade away at the right moment. I even went as far as to change schools often and convince my mom we should move around the valley to help her real estate business.

  I shook these thoughts from my head long enough to realize that the classroom was empty and Mrs. Sanders was standing at the door, staring at me expectantly.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled to her as I slid through the door. She gave me the same worried look she always wore when I dyed my hair a different color or showed up to her class dressed in a completely different style. I ignored the look for now and slunk away from her class to go eat lunch by the library. I wasn’t hungry, but I knew I had to eat something, so I took a bottle of water and a granola bar to my quiet little spot, away from everyone else. I passed all of the usual recluses on my way. Even though I’m sure they had begun to recognize me by now, they never said a word about my constantly shifting image. I smiled as I passed a small mousy girl with light brown hair. She always had her nose stuck in a book, but today I saw the corners of her eyes crinkle up into a smile as I passed.

  I took my usual spot by myself and ripped open the shiny granola bar wrapper. Just looking at the thing made me feel sick to my stomach and so I just held onto it while I thought, letting my hands get sticky as my body temperature melted the sugary syrup. How had everything gotten so far off track so quickly? If it weren’t for David and his little surprise attack, everything would be just fine.

  “You’re safe on both clients but this is the last time I can promise not to completely ruin everything,” said an all-too- familiar voice. I looked up to see David staring down at me.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, with as much venom in my voice as I could muster.

  “Blane already has a new girlfriend, and Claire broke up with me a few minutes ago.” I blinked up at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying. My clients had been taken care of, which meant that I hadn’t failed, but this boy was still threatening to ruin my career. When I really looked closely at David to size up how much of a threat he posed, I noticed that he had completely changed. He was no longer wearing his jock attire, but a black T-shirt and jeans. Even his hair seemed to be a bit messier as it hung in his eyes. It was almost as if this boy were doing my job in exact reverse. He even dressed to fit the part he was playing.

  So this whole thing was real. He knew where I came when I wasn’t working. He knew that my wardrobe matched my clients’. He knew everything. So what had the date been about? Was he trying to get some great confession out of me? And had the purpose of the kiss been to simply make me doubt my career choice? Or maybe the kiss was just a perk for him for his year of hard work. I scowled at him now and stood up so we were almost equal, though he was a bit taller than me, even in the heels. I had to remember to keep my emotions under control. If he knew the kiss was still bothering me so much, then he would think he had won. He’d think he had some power over me. With this in mind, I pushed back any feelings that short, intimate experience had brought on and set my jaw stubbornly.

  “Listen. I don’t take kindly to threats. If you don’t like my business, that’s not my problem. And quite frankly, how I choose to make money is none of your business, so what gives you the right to come in here and screw with everything?” I felt like I’d burst into flames at any moment with the fiery heat of the anger I was feeling. At first my blow up had been about pride and fear of losing my job, but now that I h
ad taken a moment to step back and really assess the situation, I could see that David was pulling rank where he had none.

  “Amelia, the well-being of others is everyone’s business,” he answered calmly. What was he now, the guardian angel of high school flings? I’d had enough of this boy.

  “Yeah, David, thanks for the infomercial, but I don’t have to listen to this.” I began walking away when he yelled out to me again.

  “I don’t want things to get messy. If you’ll just stop this, I won’t bother you anymore. But if you take on more clients I’ll be forced to interject. Today was nothing,” he added as an afterthought. I turned around and walked back to him, not quite ready to give up the fight yet.

  “Why do you care so much? None of this has anything to do with you. I don’t understand why you’re making this into such a big deal. It’s just high school.” I stared at him, waiting for an answer because frankly, I was curious to know why a career choice that had nothing to do with him would be so offensive.

  “Honestly?” he asked.

  “Obviously,” I answered snidely.

  “I’d started hearing about you from friends. They had all been in the same situation and didn’t realize until later that they had been dumped by proxy.” He gave me a reproachful look here but I said nothing, so he went on. “Once I realized that all of these different people were talking about the same girl, I decided to track you down. At first I was offended for my friends that they hadn’t been given an explanation for the relationship termination from the horse’s mouth, but after I watched you for a while I became . . . fascinated.”

  His brows came together in a hard line and the same look of confusion that I’d seen on the doorstep returned. I gave a small shiver as flashbacks of Saturday night’s little scene replayed in my mind. Yet again, I had to remind myself to focus.

  “Why would someone dedicate their time in high school to doing the one thing people in high school are desperate to avoid? And then I thought that surely you were doing it for some outrageous price.” I looked down at this, feeling a bit guilty that he knew I had been paid to break up with him. It must have been an awkward thing to find out.