Never Say Goodbye

by Irene Hannon

  “Okay, Dad.”

  Clare reached over and took Jess’s hand, twin lines of worry furrowing her brow. “Are you sure, honey? Because if you’re scared, we can call John right now.”

  Jess stared at her mother. Scared? Of Scott? That thought had never even entered her mind. In fact, it was almost ludicrous. She might hate her husband for what he had done to her daughter and for ruining her life, but he wasn’t a violent man.

  “Why would I be scared, Mom?”

  Clare’s frown deepened. “Well, it’s been three years, Jess,” she said carefully. “And prison is a hard place, from what I’ve read. It can…do things to a person. Change them. Did he sound angry, or threatening?”

  Jess thought back to the few words Scott had spoken on the phone. There had been absolutely no hint of anger or threat in his voice. On the contrary. He’d sounded anxious. And shaky. And…hungry.

  Now it was Jess’s turn to frown. Hungry. What an odd word to pop into her mind. And yet it was accurate, she realized. There had been a raw need in his voice when he’d spoken her name. As if he had to hear her voice, to connect with her in some tangible way. It was an oddly disconcerting realization.

  “Jess?”

  Her mother’s anxious voice brought her back to the present, and she summoned up a reassuring smile. “No, Mom. He didn’t sound angry. He sounded…the same.”

  “I can’t believe he called you,” Frank said, a thread of anger still running through his voice. “Why would he do that, when you made it clear you never wanted to see him again?”

  “I don’t know, Dad.” Her own voice was suddenly weary.

  “Well, let’s forget about it as best we can and enjoy our dinner,” Clare suggested, forcibly lightening her tone as she sent a “let-it-drop-for-now” look to her husband. “Your dad’s right, honey. Hanging up on him was the best thing you could have done. He’s a smart man. He’ll get the message. You’ll probably never hear from him again. Now, how about another biscuit?”

  As Jess took the proffered breadbasket, she hoped her mother was right about Scott. But she wasn’t optimistic. She’d heard his voice. And she didn’t think he was going to give up until she talked with him. Which was something she did not want to do.

  Maybe a restraining order was in her future after all.

  A gust of frigid air whipped past, and Scott turned up the collar of his denim jacket before jamming his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He was chilled to the bone after waiting at the bus stop for thirty minutes, and the inadequate heater on the public conveyance had done little to dispel the numbing cold. The greenhouse looming in front of him promised a haven from the freezing temperatures, and he quickened his pace, breathing a sigh of relief as he stepped into the balmy oasis.

  For a moment Scott just stood there, letting the welcome warmth seep through his pores as he scanned the interior. The facility was well maintained, with half of the space devoted to row after row of tagged trays containing tiny seedlings, while larger pots of healthy-looking perennials occupied the other half. Large rubber hoses lay neatly coiled at periodic intervals, and hanging pots were spaced methodically above the seedlings. The operation appeared to be orderly and well run, Scott noted with approval.

  “You must be Scott.”

  At the sound of the gravelly voice, Scott turned. An older man had entered the greenhouse by a side door and now stood observing him from several yards away. Make that “assessing him,” Scott thought wryly, as the man’s shrewd, slightly narrowed eyes studied him. Scott took the opportunity to look him over, as well. An unlit cigar was clamped between his teeth, and his fists were planted on his hips. His white hair was closely cropped in a no-nonsense style, and his attire—worn jeans that molded comfortably to his lean frame, and an open fleece-lined jacket that revealed a T-shirt containing the words Lawson Landscaping—spoke more to practicality than style. His stance and tone were definitely intimidating enough to scare off most potential job applicants.

  But Scott wanted this job. Reverend Young, one of the local clergy who volunteered as a prison chaplain, had warned him when he set up the interview that Seth Lawson was a fair but hard taskmaster. That he expected a lot and cut no slack. But that was okay with Scott. He wasn’t looking for any favors. He just wanted a chance to start over. And as an ex-con himself who had served time for armed robbery many years before, Seth was sometimes willing to give newly released prisoners that chance. Which was more than could be said for a lot of employers. Or people in general. Even though ex-cons had served their time and paid their debt, society was often unwilling to take them back. So the odds were stacked against them.

  But Scott didn’t intend to become another statistic. With the help of people like Reverend Young and Seth Lawson, he would make it. He straightened his shoulders and gazed steadily into the older man’s razor-sharp, intensely blue eyes. “That’s right. I’m Scott Mitchell.”

  Seth studied Scott for another moment, then nodded toward the rear of the greenhouse. “Office is back there. Let’s talk.”

  He led the way to a compact but well-equipped office furnished with three unoccupied desks, several filing cabinets, a fax machine and a copier. Instead of sitting behind one of the desks, however, he continued toward a small conference room at the back, pausing as he passed the coffeemaker.

  “Want a cup?”

  Scott nodded, trying not to appear too eager. He was still trying to shake the February chill, and coffee would help. “Thanks.”

  “Cream?”

  “Black.”

  Seth poured two cups, then moved into the conference room, shrugged out of his jacket and sat down at the round table. Scott followed suit—but he left his coat on.

  “So tell me why you want this job,” Seth said without preamble, chewing on his cigar.

  Scott wrapped his hands around the coffee cup, letting the warmth seep into his numb fingers. “I need a job,” he said honestly. “More than that, I need a chance to start over. I know something about horticulture, and I don’t want a job with walls. This sounded perfect.”

  “It’s far from perfect,” Seth replied bluntly. “Most guys don’t last more than a few weeks. It’s hard work. Dirty work. And the pay’s not great.”

  “I’m not afraid of hard work. Or dirt. And I don’t need much money.”

  Seth considered that answer for a moment. “You have any family?”

  A spasm of pain ricocheted through Scott’s eyes. “I have a sister and brother-in-law in Chicago. And three nephews.”

  Seth glanced pointedly at the wedding ring on Scott’s left hand. “That it?”

  Scott drew an unsteady breath. “I also have a wife. In name, at least. She doesn’t believe in divorce. But she never wants to see me again.”

  “Too bad. It helps to have family and friends around when you get out. But a lot of people can’t handle the stigma of being associated with an ex-con.”

  “Jess isn’t like that.”

  Seth’s eyebrows rose. “But she never wants to see you again.”

  Scott swallowed past the lump in his throat. “For good reason. I made some bad mistakes.”

  “You also paid for them.”

  “In the eyes of society, maybe. I’m not sure about in the eyes of God.”

  Seth considered that for a moment. “How long were you in?”

  “Three years.”

  “What did you do before?”

  “I was in marketing.”

  When he named the company, Seth’s eyebrows rose. “Were you in for one of those white-collar crimes?”

  Scott frowned. “Didn’t Reverend Young tell you?”

  Seth shrugged. “Didn’t ask. Doesn’t matter. I judge people by who they are now, not what they did years ago. I was just curious. Don’t get too many guys in here with your polish.”

  Scott took a sip of the scalding liquid, which suddenly tasted bitter on his tongue. “I’m surprised there’s any polish left,” he said quietly.

  Seth looked
at him shrewdly. “It’s rough in there, all right. Takes a lot out of a man.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You have any money?”

  Scott frowned again. The conversation was all over the place and he was having a hard time keeping up. “No.”

  “You’re still married. Anything still in your name?”

  “No. I signed it all over to Jess when I was convicted.”

  “Think she might give you a loan to get you started?”

  “I don’t plan to ask.”

  Seth folded his arms across his chest. “Be pretty hard to live on the salary I’m offering.”

  “I’ll manage. I don’t need much. Just a chance.”

  Seth nodded shortly. “That I can give you.” He reached into his pocket, withdrew a wallet and laid several fifty-dollar bills on the table. “Consider this an advance on your salary. Get yourself a warm coat and some sturdy shoes. Be here tomorrow at seven.”

  Scott looked at the money. There was a time when he would drop twice that amount on a business dinner with several colleagues. In those days, money had meant prestige and power. Now it just meant survival. Funny how dramatically things had changed, he reflected. Slowly he reached for the bills and carefully folded them over. “Thank you,” he said. “For the loan. And for taking me on.”

  Seth shrugged and stood up. “Don’t thank me yet. It’s hard, dirty work. You might not last a week.”

  “I’ll last.” The statement was made quietly—but with absolute conviction.

  Seth looked at him speculatively, but made no comment. Instead he turned and led the way to the door. “Tomorrow morning. Seven sharp.”

  “I’ll be here.” Scott extended his hand, and Seth took it in a firm grip. The older man’s probing gaze seemed to go right to Scott’s heart.

  “I was in your shoes once,” he said evenly. “I know how hard it is to lose everything. And society doesn’t make it easy to start over. Some guys make it. Some don’t. The bitter ones never do. Neither do the ones who can’t admit their mistakes. I figure you’re gonna make it.”

  Scott felt a prickling behind his eyelids. For some reason this stranger’s words of encouragement touched him deeply. “I figure I am, too.”

  “Reverend Young tells me you’re a churchgoing man. That gives you a leg up right there.”

  “It also gives me hope.”

  “Hope is a good thing to have.”

  “It’s the only thing I have right now.”

  “Maybe that’s enough. For right now,” Seth said sagely. “One thing you learn in this business. Patience. Things happen in their own time.” He nodded toward a pot where new green leaves were just beginning to push their way through the dirt. “You take care of plants, give them light and warmth and water, and in time they’ll flower. You can help the process along, but you can’t make them bloom until they’re ready. Same with a lot of things in life. Especially people.”

  Scott thought of Jess, and the slow, daunting task of trying to win back her love. “Yeah,” he said heavily.

  “But remember one thing. Spring always comes.”

  Scott looked at Seth, taken aback by the man’s philosophical—and poetic—insight. No wonder Reverend Young had spoken so highly of him. “I like that thought.”

  Seth shrugged, the philosophical moment clearly over. “Good. Now go buy that coat. You’ll need it tomorrow,” he said briskly. A movement on the far side of the greenhouse suddenly caught his attention, and he turned. “Jason? Wait up!” he called. He looked back at Scott. “Gotta talk to him about the spring shipment of dogwood trees. See you tomorrow.”

  Scott watched the older man stride down the length of the greenhouse, impressed and encouraged by their encounter. This job was going to work out fine. He could sense it.

  He turned up his collar and moved toward the door, bracing himself for the blast of cold air waiting for him on the other side. Seth was right, he thought wryly. The first order of business was a warm coat.

  He was right about something else, too, Scott acknowledged as he stepped into the frigid February air and began the long, chilling trek to the bus stop.

  No matter how cold, how inhospitable, how merciless the winter is, spring always comes.

  It was a good thought, Scott reflected. An uplifting thought. And he resolved to hold on to it—no matter what lay ahead in the weeks to come.

  Chapter Two

  “Scott? Is everything all right?”

  Scott smiled as his sister’s voice came over the line. “Everything’s fine. It just took me a couple of days to get settled.”

  “I can’t believe Joe got appendicitis the day before you got out! We wanted to pick you up and help you get settled,” she fretted. “Do you have a place to stay? Are you eating?”

  His smile deepened. Karen had always been a mother hen, even more so since their own mother had died five years before. And her mothering instincts had intensified since he’d been in prison—for which he was deeply grateful. Other than Reverend Young, she’d been his lifeline, his only contact with the outside world for three long years. He would never forget her steadfast support and her willingness to stand by him despite the tragic mistakes he’d made—nor her long monthly trek to visit him. “Yes to both. How’s Joe?”

  “He’ll live. It’s you I’ve been worrying about. Why didn’t you call sooner?”

  “I did call. Almost as soon as I walked out the gates.”

  “But that was three days ago!”

  “I’ve been busy ever since. I had to look at the apartments Reverend Young lined up, and I had an interview at the nursery today.”

  “Did you get the job?”

  “Yes. It was the strangest interview I’ve ever had, but I have a feeling things will work out fine.”

  “Good. I know you were counting on that job.” There was a slight pause, and when she spoke again he could hear the frown in her voice. “Listen, where are you?”

  “In my apartment.”

  “So you have a phone. Give me the number.” Scott complied, then Karen read it back to confirm. “Okay. I’m hanging up and calling you right back,” she said briskly. “You can’t afford this call.”

  “Karen, I’m fine. You don’t have to—”

  “I’m hanging up. Bye.”

  The line went dead and Scott shook his head, smiling with equal parts affection and exasperation. As a stay-at-home mom with three boys, Karen wasn’t exactly rolling in dough, either. But when she got a notion in her head, there was no stopping her.

  A moment later the phone rang and Scott reached for it. “That wasn’t necessary, you know.”

  “Listen, big brother, do me a favor, okay? Let people help you if they want to. I just wish you’d come up here for a few weeks, like I asked you to.”

  “I appreciate the offer, Karen. I really do. But I need to get back into the real world sooner or later. It might as well be sooner.”

  He could hear her sigh of frustration over the wire. “Look, Scott, you could use a break. You deserve it. I was there, remember? I saw you the first Friday of every month. You lost forty pounds in six months. You looked like death. I worried about you night and day. You never talked about life in there, but I know it was hell. I know how close you came to…giving up.” She took a deep breath, and when she resumed speaking, there was a tremor in her voice. “Dear God, my heart bled for you every time I walked out the door and had to leave you behind. Do you know where I went when I left, after my first five or six visits? To the ladies’ room to throw up. I just couldn’t bear that you were in that place, and that I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

  Her voice broke, and Scott felt as if someone had kicked him in the gut. Karen had never before even hinted at the emotional toll her visits had taken. Just the opposite. She’d always been upbeat and chatty, working hard to cheer him up by telling him humorous anecdotes about the family, passing on drawings the boys had done for him, sharing photos of the birthday parties and Christmases he’d misse
d. Those visits had been the only thing that kept him going in those early months. Because of her he had still felt connected to the outside world. Because of her he was able for a brief time to feel human again. But if he’d known the emotional toll it had taken on her, he would never have let her come. “I’m so sorry, Karen,” he said, his voice anguished. “I had no idea.”

  “That was the intent.” Her voice still sounded a bit shaky, but she quickly got it under control. “I know you, big brother. If you’d had any idea what those visits did to me, you’d have told me to stop coming. And I wanted to be there for you. But it’s over now. I only brought it up because I want you to know that I realize how horrible it was. And I think you need to take some time to readjust. To rest. To decompress. That’s why I wanted you to come up to Chicago and stay with us for a while. I still wish you would.”

  Scott felt overwhelmed by a rush of love and gratitude, and his throat tightened with emotion. Karen’s love and support were blessings for which he would always be grateful. “I love you for offering, sis,” he said, his own voice none too steady. “You don’t know how much it means to me. Just like your visits. In case I haven’t told you—and I probably haven’t, because men aren’t always too good at that communication thing—I want you to know that I wouldn’t have made it without them. Knowing you were coming back, that I wasn’t totally alone, that someone cared and was thinking about me, is the only thing that got me through those early months. You were my rock.”

  He heard Karen sniff over the wire. “Who says men aren’t good at communication? You just got an A,” she said tearily. She paused to blow her nose, and when she continued her voice was steadier. “Okay, now, enough of this mushy stuff. If you won’t come up, then let me send you a little money to tide you over.”

  “I’m fine, sis.”

  “You can pay it back, okay? Consider it a loan.”

  “I have a job. And a place to live. I’m fine. Really.”

  Another exasperated sigh. “You are one stubborn man, you know that?”