I throw my car keys onto the worktop. “Yes, sorry it took a little longer than I thought it would.” My lie sticks like glue inside my throat. I find it hard to swallow down my deceit without drawing attention to myself, so I pick up a pepper and begin to eat it.
“So, what did Lydia want to talk to you about?” asks Shawn.
“Ah, I need to talk to you about that, actually,” I stammer.
Shawn rests the knife down, glancing up and turning to face me. “About what?”
“Well, Lydia has asked me to work four days, instead of three,” I tell him.
“Right, and what did you say?”
“I said I would speak to you first, but yes I think I could do four days?” I let my words hang in the air. In the blink of an eye, Shawn’s face has gone from being relaxed to tense and strained.
“So, you’re not actually speaking to me first, you are telling me?” he replies with anger coursing through his tone of voice. Turning away from me he picks up the knife and angrily continues to chop.
“I’m asking you now, Shawn.”
“But you’ve already told Lydia yes, haven’t you?” Shawn accuses me.
“Well, I suppose I did, but I honestly didn’t think it would be a problem. Besides, some of the work I can still do from home. It won’t always mean me not being here.”
“So, why do you want to work more? I don’t get it.” Shawn angrily asks.
“You know I love my job, I am very lucky to be one of the few people who really does love what they do. I always thought you’d support that,” I reply.
“I do, but you’ve annoyed me, Jessica, by accepting the offer before running it by me first. I am only your husband, after all?” he seethes.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I had to seek permission from you first?” I boil with anger. I disarm my words right back at him.
“It is not like that, don’t talk rubbish,” Shawn back-pedals.
“So, I’m talking rubbish now, am I?” I aim daggers at him with my glowering eyes.
“Yes, you fucking are and now you are just being childish.”
“And you’re being an asshole.” I mutter under my breath.
“Fine . . . you can think what you want, Jessica, but if you can’t understand why I am so pissed off. Then I really don’t think we have anything more to say on the subject.” His hurt face continues to concentrate on the vegetables in front of him. I leave the kitchen in a huff and go upstairs to have a shower.
After my shower, I sit down on my bed, looking at my reflection. So, this is what an adulteress looks like. I look exactly the same on the outside. The same unassuming brown hair and blue eyes, but inside I am not the same person, at all. I think about the argument with Shawn. Is this how it will be now? Arguments, silent treatment and an atmosphere a person could choke on? I know deep down he is right. I should have spoken to him first, but I also know I was given the opportunity to keep him at arm’s length. Having an argument means he can’t get too close and I can’t be tormented by my own guilt. Even before Jonny showed up at my work, I had been struggling whenever Shawn touched me. I knew he would be pissed about me taking on an extra day, but said yes, anyway. Now Jonny is very much in the picture. I was given a new reason to keep my husband emotionally at bay. Acknowledging that I am walking on Infidelity Street is one thing, but being a loving wife too, is more than I can cope with at the moment. I have no experience to call upon to help me with handling this. There is no Cheaters Manual with dilemma number one: How to act normal around your partner while conducting an affair.
I have no one to help me cope with the moral conflict, which screams inside of me each and every passing second. I am trying to wade my way through the cesspit of deceit that I am trudging around in.
Solemnly, I check my phone for messages. There is one and I am delighted to see that it is from Jonny.
Jessica
I am in the back of the car, on my way back to London and I am thinking of only you. I still have the scent of you all over me. I know I am going to have to show some self-restraint with you around me ... God the next couple of days are going to drag ... see you soon Dimples.
Jonny xxxx
Dimples seems to have stuck in my Mr. Riley’s head. Oh, God . . . I am already calling him my Mr. Riley. Thoughts of him warm my insides up, a hopeless and aroused warmth radiates throughout my entire body. I remember how he tastes and smells. How the slightest touch from him, fills me with a deep, all-consuming need for him. What has Jonny Riley turned me into? A cheating, selfish, wanton nymphomaniac!!
I hear footsteps, and then a gentle tap on my door. I see Lissy’s pretty face pop around the door, full of teenage worry.
“Hi Lissy, what’s up love?” I ask.
“Have you and Dad fallen out?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because Dad is in a foul mood and is cooking dinner like a demented chef.” We both giggle.
“It’s okay, Love. We haven’t had a big fall out, just a little disagreement that’s all,” I say to my sweet girl.
Lissy tilts her head. “What about?” She looks so worried and my maternal instinct is duty bound to kick in.
“Lydia has asked me to work an extra day and I said yes before running it by your dad.” I tell her, wrapping a comforting arm around my baby.
“So, you will be away more then?” Lissy’s eyes fill with more worry.
I calmly stroke her hair. “Not necessarily, no, a lot I can still do from home.” I reassure her.
“So why is Dad mad, then?”
“Well, I suppose because I didn’t talk to him first, but don’t worry, Lissy, all will be okay.” I look into her light blue eyes and stroke a long strand of her golden brown hair out of the way of her eye, tucking it tenderly behind her ear. All of a sudden I feel emotional and tired. Overwhelmed by everything that has happened today.
My beautiful daughter sits with me being so thoughtful and sweet; it pains me, knowing what I am doing to her. . . . to all of them. Yet, when I think of Jonny, he replaces my thoughts of shame with that of completeness. Right at that moment I couldn’t promise her that it was all going to be okay, as I honestly didn’t know myself.
“Listen, I’ll talk to your dad and then we can have dinner, okay?” I say.
“Okay, Mum.” She smiles as I place a kiss on her smooth forehead. A kiss that is an amalgamation of everything I feel.
When I walk into the kitchen, Shawn’s face still looks cross, with the little lines that form between his eyebrows and the way his mouth pouts. Everything he touches is banged down hard upon the kitchen surfaces. I do love this man, but I now know I feel too much for Jonny to walk away. No matter how fucked up it sounds, the love I feel for Shawn is not enough to replace what I feel for Jonny.
I realise it is my decision to be with Jonny, and none of this is Shawn’s fault. I have made my choice, so it is me who should suffer. It is I, who should carry the heavy load of self-loathing. It is I, who has to learn to deal with the emotions brought on from my lies and deceit. It is I, who has to try to continue to be a good wife and mother. I cannot let my relationship with Jonny disease what I have here. So, yet another decision has been made. I need to toughen up and learn to not take it out on Shawn. He deserves better than that. He doesn’t deserve to have a cheating wife, but I can’t change any of that now. So I have decided that when I am with him, I treat him with the love and respect he truly deserves.
I walk up to him and lean onto the kitchen worktop, where he is preparing dinner. “I am sorry Shawn, you are right. I should have spoken to you first before accepting Lydia’s offer.”
He looks across at me, one brow raised. “Is that an apology I am actually hearing, Jessica?”
“Yes, and it is the only one, too.” I glance into his deep blue eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, I truly hope Shawn cannot see into mine.
His stiff shoulders relax. “I apologise for getting so angry. I know how much you enjo
y your job and you know I would never stop you doing something you love. It was the fact you kept me out of the loop though, Jessica.” Shawn calmly tells me.
“I know and I am sorry.”
“That’s okay and that’s two.” Shawn is now smiling.
“Two what?” I ask.
“Apologies.”
I give him a little poke to the side. Shawn grabs me, pulling me into him. His smell is so familiar and safe. It is strangely comforting. His full lips give me a tender kiss, letting me know I am forgiven. I use the term ‘forgiven’ loosely, for if he knew the level of my deceit, no tender kiss would suffice.
I have loads to prepare for the Bristol trip, and of course, meeting with Jonny. I feel like my life is some crazy film. I am just the unprepared actress who is on cloud nine for getting her dream role, but doesn’t yet know any of her God damn lines. How did this all happen? One minute I am Jessica Neel, the next I am Jessica Neel, who is having an affair with the very famous Jonny Riley. Fuck!
My phone vibrates as I walk up to my office. It’s from Jonny.
Morning Beautiful ... I am missing you so much. Erin has the hotel booked for Bristol. It is called The Westbury; you’ll be under the name of Erin Laurelson. It will all be paid for. What time do you think you will be finished with work and get to the hotel? I have a meeting with my agent and a couple of press calls but I should get there for 2:00 p.m ish ...
Jonny xxxx
I begin to tap a message back.
I finish at the fair at 1:00 p.m. and then need to check out some shops ... so should get to you about 2:30–3 p.m ... so you decided not to use the name of Miss Sour Puss then :)
Jessica xxxx
As I walk into the office, Lydia is deep in concentration on her laptop. Her short-cropped hair is smooth and sleek, and as usual she looks impeccably gorgeous.
“Morning, Lydia.”
“Morning, Jessica, are you all prepared for Bristol?”
“I think so?” My words come out as half-question, half-statement.
“I have compiled a small list of competitors whom I want you to work your charm on, darling, see what sort of things they are selling, etcetera. At these fairs, they are usually a good bunch, aren’t they?” Lydia hands me the sheet of paper. I quickly glance at it before looking up.
“Yes, most are. It will be interesting to see whether a lot of the old faces are there and if there are any newbies.” I answer.
“Do you think that lady will be there whose husband left her for the nineteen-year-old he used to teach? I know she was having difficulties last year. I’d like to see that she is doing okay after finding out about her husband’s affair.” As soon as the word ‘affair’ slips off her tongue, Lydia’s mouth gapes open. Her eyes are shouting ‘sorry.’ This feeling shite thing appears to be really contagious!
“Oh, Jessica, I am sorry . . . I meant . . . um . . .” she nervously stammers.
“It’s okay, Lydia, don’t feel bad. It is what it is, there’s no sugar coating it . . . I am not going to fall apart at the mere mention of the word affair.” I confidently tell her.
“So, you will be seeing the rather delicious Jonny Riley again then?”
I smile. “We are meeting in Bristol.”
“Check you out, darling, mixing business with definite pleasure.” My cheeks turn crimson at Lydia’s words.
Although it is great being able to actually talk to someone who is not ever going to judge me, I still find myself feeling uncomfortable at the thought of Lydia knowing of my planned rendezvous with Jonny.
“I am sorry Lydia, I shouldn’t be burdening you with my dirty little secrets and I won’t be slacking on the job either, I promise. We are meeting once I have finished work.” I forlornly look to the floor.
“Jessica, look at me, does this face look like the woman who can’t keep a secret?” Her own fingers point up at her face.
“I didn’t mean that I don’t trust you Lydia, I just don’t want you thinking that I am not going to be doing my job properly. That’s all,” I murmur.
“I know what you meant and I am telling you, it’s fine. I want you to talk to me, you are going to need that Jessica, believe me. God only knows how many times you have been there for me, darling. I’ve had many affairs; in fact I have had many men full stop. Yet, you have always stood by me and as a friend you have never faltered. I don’t forget that. Oh, and darling, about the work thing, you do a fantastic job. I know how much pride you take in your work. Although Jessica, if I am bluntly honest, knowing you have this meeting planned, I would be rather disappointed if you don’t slack on the job.” That naughty wayward brow of hers sits high with mischief on her face.
I swipe her arm. “Hey you . . . stop it . . . you are a terrible influence, you know, Lydia Mason?” I giggle.
“The way I see it, darling, you have one life; live it and love it.”
I take Lydia in my arms, cuddling her tight. I need to let her know, right this moment, just how wonderful she is. She is far from perfect, but to me she is a true friend. Besides, if Lydia still cares about me, I can’t be that evil . . . can I?
On the morning of the Bristol trip, my day begins no different than usual. Me, rushing round like a blue ass fly, trying to get things ready for myself, the girls, making sure Shawn remembers that Lissy is going to her friend’s. All the while on the inside I am feeling like a giddy little teenager. I must be hardening to the self-loathing as this morning I am feeling buoyant and happy; a lightness that, all too often, comes and painfully goes.
“You’re in a good mood?” Shawn notices the spring in my step.
“I suppose I am?” I give him a little peck on his cheek.
“So what time are you off then, Babe?”
“I am catching the 8:33 a.m. train, if I ever get out of the bloody door on time.” I frantically try to tidy up the kitchen, wiping down the crumbs from the morning toast we have all had.
“I have put all your things by the door.”
I brush his back with my guilty as hell, but grateful hand. “Thanks, Babe.”
“What time will you be back tomorrow, then?” Shawn asks.
“I’ll call you, as Lydia has also given me a list of shops to check out. I won’t have time to do them all today so I will do some in the morning.” Jessica Neel, congratulations on your first big fat fucker of a lie. I try to distract myself from revealing my lie face to Shawn, by going to the cupboard, getting a glass out, and pouring myself a guilt infused glass of water.
“I’d like to check you out myself, in that sexy pencil skirt.” Shawn crudely adds.
“Easy, Tiger, I have to get a shifty on.” I walk up to him, placing my lips onto his, in the hope it will appease his train of thought.
“Call me, okay?” His handsome, yet sulky face pleads.
“I will . . . I am just going to quickly say goodbye to the girls.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks . . . oh, and have fun tonight with the boys, won’t you?” I smirk.
“We will . . . though I am probably not going to be much use tomorrow, Babe.” Shawn laughs.
Me neither! Ashamed, yet aroused, I bite down on my lip as I get carried away with my own heinous hidden thoughts. I quickly push my wickedness to one side and rush up the stairs to knock on Lissy’s door. When I pop my head around the door she isn’t there, but I hear giggles coming from Lottie’s room. I peep in: Both girls are sat on her bed, reading a magazine.
“I am going soon girlies, what you giggling at?” I ask with an inquisitive smile.
“Just something in this magazine, Mum. They reckon Jonny Riley is seeing that singer, Allira.” Lottie looks up at me, innocently laughing, but I am feeling absolutely distraught inside, like my insides have just been ripped out and thrown against the wall. How fucking dare I feel jealous?
I attempt to casually look at the article. There is Jonny Riley, sure enough, with a leggy brunette who is all tits and lips. My heart drops, I swallow hard. I keep looki
ng at the picture of him with his arm through hers. Her inflated lips, of ruby red, proudly pouting back at me. I weakly smile at the girls.
“We think she’s a minger though, don’t we, Liss?” Lottie laughs.
“She’s not his type, at all . . . what is he even doing with her?” Lissy grabs the magazine out of my hands, still laughing.
What exactly is he doing with her? I am all mixed up with emotions of jealously, anger and disappointment; none of which I have any right of ownership to.
I pretend not to care. “Anyway, girls, I need to go as I’ll miss my train. Love you,” I tell them both, putting my arms around their shoulders. “Have fun at Kathryn’s, Liss.”
“Thanks Mum, I will. See you tomorrow.” I look at Lissy as she waves goodbye. Lottie waves without looking at me, too engrossed in the Jonny Riley/Allira story. A moment ago I was happy. Now I feel distraught and dejected.
I am almost robotic as I board the train. My head is stuck on pause of the image of Jonny Riley with Little Miss Big Tits and Lips, Allira. I check my phone and sure enough I have a message from Jonny.
Morning Beautiful ... I am just about to attend a boring meeting and the thought of you is the only thing keeping me going. Can’t wait to hold you. Jonny X
My stomach lurches as I read his words. Ordinarily I’d be wanting to do a whoop whoop dance but, I don’t know what to think now. I still can’t be seriously considering a meet with him . . . can I? I decide to ignore him instead.
Half an hour later my phone vibrates yet again.
Now in the boring meeting and needing you so much!
Jonny xx
Again, I ignore the text and try to focus on the day ahead. I get my briefcase out and run through my notes. I have to be the professional here. I can’t allow my personal feelings to get in the way of my work. I was looking forward to this trip before Jonny bloody Riley. I am not going to let him ruin the day for me.
A Famous Affair Page 9
