Jonny still has me against him. “He was really worried about you yesterday, you know? When you got back he told me I needed to speak with you right away, because something wasn’t right.”
My laughter fades. “Bless him, he really is sweet. I am so well looked after by all the men around here, aren’t I?”
Jonny frowns, his mouth turning up in one corner. “There is only one man looking out for you around here, Jessica.” His reply is deeply covetous, a resounding statement of his ownership of me. I want to be owned by him. I find his possessive response hot as fuck!
“I will only ever need you, Jonny,” I reply. He confidently grins, lifting my chin so our lips tenderly meet. I could kiss him like this forever! I sulkily pout when our lips eventually part. “Do you have to go out?” I ask sadly, willing him to say no.
Jonny nods, rubbing his nose against mine. “I’m afraid I must, I need to see Jay. I have got a few things that need sorting out. I’m not sure how long I’ll be, either.”
I kiss him again, beginning to miss him already. “Okay, well I’m going to have to amuse myself in your absence, aren’t I?” I flirtatiously bite his lower lip.
Jonny is sexually conflicted. He needs to go but his bulging boner has other ideas. “It pains me to leave you, but leave you I must.” His mouth crashes hard onto mine before he quickly pulls himself away from me; trying to put some distance between our magnetised and needing bodies. He knows if he doesn’t distance himself, he won’t be leaving anytime soon. I don’t hide my amusement.
With a telling grin, I reply, “That’s okay, I’ve things to do anyway. I need to ring Lydia and then I’m going to go through all the bags and boxes of my stuff she brought back for me.”
“Will you be okay?” Jonny sweetly asks.
“Of course I will . . . now go!”
“Okay beautiful, I will see you later then.” Jonny plants a brief yet loving kiss to my neck before he leaves. Those lips of his weaken me every single damn time! I need to occupy myself and quick. I pick up the phone and dial Lydia’s number.
I impatiently wait for her to pick up. As soon as she does, I have my apology ready. “Hi Lydia . . . it’s Jessica. I am so sorry I didn’t call you last night, but I was a little upset when I got back,” I guiltily blurt out my excuse.
“Don’t apologise, my darling. Are you okay?”
I try to keep my body relaxed as I’m about to tell Lydia about yesterday. “I am now. I’ve hardly slept a wink, but Jonny has been really great about things. It was hard going back, Lydia. Shawn looks so ill, he has changed so much.” I say, bringing my knees up to my chest. As hard as I try to not remember. The Shawn that opened the door to me yesterday, is a Shawn I will never forget.
Lydia breathes heavily down the phone, “He is bereft and is probably finding everything difficult right now, but you have to stay strong, Jessica.”
Her assuring words do little to soothe me. “To see someone who has always had such a positive attitude in life, to now be someone who is detached and lonely is heart breaking, Lydia. Just because I fell in love with someone else doesn’t stop me caring about him.” I admit with deep sadness in my heart.
Lydia sighs loudly down the phone again. “I know, my darling.”
It is hard to admit just how much I am struggling with seeing Shawn again. I don’t think even I was prepared for how it would make me feel. I know I am with Jonny, but it’s true when I say that I still care about Shawn. I can’t help but worry about him, especially after seeing the mess that he has become. Now I have admitted that to Lydia, my suppressed emotions come tumbling out of me. “I know it is ridiculous, Lydia but I was too scared to admit that to Jonny. I know how hard all of this is for him. I don’t want him thinking that I still have strong feelings for Shawn.” I nervously divulge, feeling slightly out of breath.
“I am sure he understands, Jessica.” Lydia replies in a gentle voice.
“I hope so.”
“So, what did Shawn say exactly?”
My body stiffens in reaction to Lydia’s innocent question. “Not much really. He didn’t think it was a good idea that I see the girls. It was his mum who pretty much did all the talking, or should I say shouting.” My anger begins to rise at the mere mention of Catherine.
Lydia huffs. “Why does that poisonous cow need to get involved anyway?”
My inner wrath towards Catherine now has my pulse speeding and my neck tight with temper. “It would seem she is calling all the shots these days.” I reply in an angered tone.
“That’s all you bloody need, Jessica.”
“Tell me about it. I think I am going to need some legal advice, Lydia. I really hate having to, but Shawn isn’t thinking straight. I honestly think Catherine is the one stopping the girls from seeing me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the girls have had their phones taken off them or have been given new ones.” I explain.
“Can’t the stupid woman see that she is doing more harm than good?” Lydia’s tone is now equally as annoyed as mine. I am now incapable of sitting still, I get off the bed. “She is nothing but a bitter and cruel woman.” I hiss, pacing the bedroom floor.
“So, did you see Lissy and Lottie?” Lydia asks with a softer intonation.
I nervously grip the back of my neck, remembering how painful it was to see my girls. “Lissy got really upset when she heard her Nan calling me a slutty little alley cat and so . . .” I don’t get a chance to finish my sentence. I am abruptly interrupted by a none-too-pleased Lydia. “Wait right fucking there! Pass that by me again, my darling?”
I suck in a deep breath. “Catherine said I was a slutty little alley cat.” I repeat the words with a thudding heart.
Lydia gasps loudly. “I am literally lost for words, Jessica. What an awful thing for poor Lissy to hear.”
“I am not a violent person but I wanted to hit Catherine, I really did. She made Lissy go back upstairs and after that, the door was slammed in my face.” I feel myself getting upset all over again. My chest is heaving as my body becomes overrun with emotion.
“So, you never saw Lottie?” Lydia asks.
I swallow down the ball of sadness forming in my throat. ”I caught a glimpse of her up at the bedroom window. She actually waved, but both the girls were pulled away by Catherine and then I left.”
“Well, it sounds to me like the girls are missing their mum and your bitch of a mother-in-law needs to be put into her bloody place, Jessica,” Lydia says with angry frustration.
I want to cry but my tears are all cried out. They have simply run dry. I am left with a deep knot, twisting and pulling inside of me. With a heavy heart, I sit on the edge of the bed. “That is why I need to see a solicitor, Lydia. I can’t leave things as they are now.” I quietly reply.
“You do whatever you have to, darling.”
“I intend to,” I answer assertively, pulling at the dead flowers which now sit on the bedside table beside me. I continue my conversation, looking at the withered pink gladioli. “There is another thing I was going to ask you, Lydia.”
“What is it?”
“Has anyone from work been asking awkward questions?” I nervously ask.
“No one has said anything at all, my darling. Of course people have been shocked but nothing defamatory has been said about you. In fact, a few of our clients are very jealous indeed!” Lydia laughs. “Why? Are you really worried about what people think about you?”
I stiffen before replying. “Only our clients. I would hate to give Mason’s Toys a bad name, because of me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jessica. Only a few weeks ago, I spoke with Matthew Merrett. He rang to see how you were doing. He even told me that your personal life has no bearing whatsoever on your professional life.”
“Really?” I ask in pleasant surprise.
“Yes, really.” Lydia laughs again.
“I am so relieved. I had visions of our clients leaving in droves because of Mason’s Toys association with me.” I admit, feeling so mu
ch better now for discussing this with Lydia.
“Now you are just being bloody paranoid, darling. Our clients value your professionalism, as do I. It really will be wonderful to have you back.” Lydia sweetly assures me.
I know I am probably just feeling low and insecure because of yesterday, but once again my dear friend has somehow managed to lift my spirits. “I cannot wait to return to work either. I know I am doing a lot less but it will be great to have some normality, Lydia. I have so much on my plate at the moment. What with Shawn, the girls and Jonny going to America. I need something which I know and understand.”
“I truly understand that, Jessica. By the way, you have made my lovely temp Katie an extremely happy young lady. I spoke to her this morning about taking her on permanently on a part-time basis and she is simply over the moon. It took me about an hour to get her to come down off the ceiling, she is an excitable little thing.” Lydia says affectionately with a little chuckle.
“I can’t wait to meet her.” I reply.
“She is a sweet girl, darling. Maybe sickly sweet, but charming nevertheless.”
“I am sure after a few months of working with you, her sweet ways will quickly be corrupted.” Together we both giggle.
“So where is Jonny today then, Jessica?” Lydia asks.
“He has gone to see Jay and I’m just about to tackle the unpacking of all my belongings.”
“Good luck with that, darling.”
“Thanks, Lydia. In fact, I had better make a start on it now.”
“Okay, I will love you and leave you. Speak soon. I miss you!” I know there’s a smile with Lydia’s last comment.
“Miss you too,” Placing the phone down, I nervously walk to the other bedroom with a feeling of weighted apprehension.
The room is full of bags and displaced boxes. I look at each one, overwhelmed with where exactly to start. I grab the first bag, which is full of my underwear and nightwear with the odd pair of socks thrown in. I decide to do a ‘keep,’ ‘charity’ and ‘throw’ pile. I quietly go through the clothing, putting them into whatever pile I feel is appropriate.
I painstakingly go through my belongings. After three big bags. I reach into the next one and there, in amongst all the skirts and shirts, is the red dress I wore when I first met Jonny. It is now creased and dishevelled, but it still holds such sweet sentiment for me. I hold it against my bath-robed body and imagine myself wearing it. All the memories of the first moment of meeting Jonny flood back and a wicked smile forms across my downward mouth. Who would have thought that from that moment, my life would end up here? Without question, I place the red dress on my ‘keep’ pile.
After sifting through the clothes, I sit down on the bed, exhausted. It is then that I spot my jewellery box underneath my beloved “Anne of Green Gables” book. I kneel down beside the box, carefully opening it up. Inside are my mother’s engagement and wedding rings, a thin yellow gold band and her fourteen carat round diamond solitaire ring. If I close my eyes, I can still see those rings on her pale piano-like fingers. Even though my father was no longer with us, she chose to wear them as a statement of the love they once shared. The same love that my father apparently pissed against the wall with his drinking. Underneath them, is the ring that Shawn bought me for my nineteenth birthday, a sterling silver blue topaz ring. I remember him giving it to me. When I opened it with delight, he told me he had bought it because the blue topaz matched my pretty eyes. Swallowing hard, I close the lid back down. I slowly pull open one of the two jewellery box drawers. There on its own, resting on luxurious black velvet lining, is my locket the girls gave me recently for my birthday.
I take it into my hand, gently opening it up. I stroke the two tiny but perfect photos of Lissy and Lottie. My shaky hands are having difficulty opening the clasp of the necklace, but I finally manage to do it and quickly put it on. A calmness blankets me, wearing the girls’ locket somehow soothes me. I hear a soft tap on the door.
“Hi, Jessica. You’ve been up here for hours. I’ve made you some dinner.” Mary stands in the doorway, looking at the mess surrounding me.
“Thank you Mary, have I really been up here that long? I’m just sorting through all my belongings from ho . . .” I abruptly stop myself. Shit, I nearly said home!
Mary just smiles at my near outburst. “I see, do you need a hand?”
Embarrassed, I look at the carnage of clothing which is everywhere. “I can manage, thanks.”
“If you’re sure? Just give me a shout should you need anything.” She places the tray down onto the bedside table.
“Thank you, Mary. I will have quite a lot to donate to charity when I’m finished and I’ll bring down the things I want thrown away.”
Mary looks at me crossly. “Oh no you won’t! Put the things you want thrown away in a black bag and leave them on the bed. I’ll ask Beef to carry them down later. You still shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting, Jessica.”
I know better than to argue. “Okay but I really am much better now, Mary. I wouldn’t lift anything too heavy.” I try to assure her.
Mary still doesn’t look impressed, her eyes sternly narrow on me. “I should hope not! Mr. Riley would not be pleased.” I look at her, all doe-eyed. A picture of complete innocence. Her steely stare soon softens. “Just promise me, you won’t overdo things?”
I smile. A grateful smile. “I promise.” I reply in a quiet voice. Once satisfied, Mary closes the door behind her.
After eating my lunch, I continue to sort through the boxes that remain. After finding all of my music, I carry what CDs I have carefully up to the library. I have also made room for some of my beloved pictures, placing them beside the hundreds of books. It’s good to see items that belong to me in my favourite room. Not that Jonny has ever made me feel anything less than welcome, but I’ve missed having my own familiar and homely objects around me. Jonny has thoughtfully bought me an oak desk and a small oak shelving unit for the library, ready for when I start back at work.
I dump all of my work files messily onto the new office furniture. It isn’t long before I have them all placed in neat and professional rows along the new and smooth shelves. Thankfully, Shawn has returned my work laptop and briefcase; I place them both on top of the sleek new desk. Feeling happy, I stand back. Looking at all of my things that have been lovingly placed where they are now. With satisfied eyes, I roam my wonderful new workplace. I absolutely love it!
Returning to the bedroom, it kind of feels therapeutic knowing that I am slowly putting all of my things where they should be . . . where they belong. All the clothes I am keeping have been hung up with all of my new ones. My shoes are lined up neatly beside one another. The old, neighbouring the new. My past and present are meeting one another for the very first time.
Everything I need for my return to work is now in the library. There are only a few small boxes left to sort out. One is full of ornaments, most of which once belonged to my mother. Another tatty box contains my tired-looking keepsake boxes with contain mementos of my childhood. There are letters, concert tickets, dried flowers and a few of my old school books. In these boxes, I keep anything that is a sweet reminder of my life as a child and a sometimes difficult teenager. I have letters I lovingly penned to my mum. Unfinished diaries that I started but soon got bored of within a month. In them, I confided my angst of unrequited teenage love and how hopeless I felt whenever I had a breakout of spots. I can’t help but chuckle to myself as I flick through, reading some of the extracts of my youth.
I place the memento box into the wardrobe to look inside another day. Amongst the sentimental possessions, I find my wedding album. I lift it out with much forethought. The traditional album in a white silk finish was affectionately bought for us by Shawn’s mum. My heart sinks with trepidation as I trace my fingers over its cover before looking inside.
The first photograph shows a deliriously happy me. Standing beside Shawn, in my V neck, floor length, ivory lace dress with my hair pinned up in a
sophisticated bun. Shawn is handsome, in his silver grey suit and pale lilac tie to complement my purple and lilac sweet pea bouquet.
We both look so ecstatically happy and carefree in this picture. I also remember us getting so blindly drunk on champagne and chardonnay at our wedding reception, we were unable to officially consummate our marriage. It quickly became a running joke between us, the whole time that we were together. I shall always treasure the bittersweet memories of us . . . of our life together. Shawn is the man that I married, the father of my children. I can’t just flick a switch to stop myself from caring about him. Just when I thought I was all cried out, a single tear drips onto the wedding album. My heart feels heavy and sorrowful. I hold the album to my chest and protectively carry it up to the library. I place it in the bottom drawer of my lovely new desk, ironic really. As the memories of myself and Shawn are also to be placed at the bottom of my heart.
The darkness of the evening fills the apartment. I stand up, wondering when Jonny will be home. I have been so caught up in nostalgia, sometimes painful nostalgia. That I’ve only just realised how much I have actually missed him today. When I am down, Jonny always makes me feel better. I need to feel him beside me. I need his loving warmth to warm my hurting soul.
I am suddenly struck with an awful, deep-rooted panic. How the hell am I going to cope with not having him here when he goes to New York? Shit! The anxiety sucks me down into a bottomless pit. Can I really let him go? Fuck! Can I really?
I walk downstairs to the kitchen to see what Mary is doing. When she isn’t there, I go into the main reception room. Where to my surprise, I find her with Jonny and Beef. Mary is leaning over Jonny, holding something to his eye and whispering.
“Oh, you’re back. How long have you been home?” I ask, pleased to see him. As I get closer, I can clearly see something is very wrong. “What the . . . ?” my voice shakily trails off. I can’t even finish my sentence because Jonny has a bloodied black eye. I despairingly look at Beef and Mary, then back at Jonny.
A Famous Affair Page 33
