She handed Winnie to Levi. “It wonders me if you should give her a bath. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”
“Okay.” He pulled the quilt from the twin bed. “Here. Take this. It’s cold out there.”
With the quilt draped over her arm, Esther opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch. A chilly breeze greeted her as soon as she shut the door. “Ivy? Are you waiting for somebody?”
Ivy didn’t look up. She didn’t even move. It was as if she was made of stone. Or maybe she had turned to ice. Esther spread the quilt and laid one side of it over Ivy’s shoulders, then sat down and wrapped the other half over her own shoulders. On cold winter nights when she was little, she and Ivy used to sit by the woodstove and share a blanket while Dat read stories from the Bible. On special nights, Mamm would pop popcorn or make scotcheroos, and they would huddle together in a blanket and make up silly songs together.
“Is somebody coming to pick you up?”
Ivy lifted her head and looked straight ahead. “If I died tomorrow, not one soul in the whole world would care.” The despair in her voice was like a rip in the fabric of the sky.
Esther didn’t know what to say. Of course she would care if Ivy died. She would even be sad. But things would be so much easier if Ivy left Winnie here and never came back. She felt wicked for having such thoughts, but there they were, and she could do nothing to stop them. Ivy had made her own bed, but lying in it was a bitter consequence indeed. “No one wishes for your death, Ivy.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ve wished it a time or two, like when Menno kissed me or when I took Winnie away.”
“I have never wished it, Ivy.” It was true, and Ivy needed to hear it. “Where is Jordan?”
Ivy spit air out of her lungs. “Who cares.”
“Didn’t he bring you here?”
“I left him in Fort Collins puking his guts out. He’s always either drunk or hungover from being drunk. He blew through my four hundred dollars in about a week.”
Esther wanted to point out that it was her four hundred dollars, but Ivy was low enough already. “How did you get here?”
Ivy eyed her as if she found the question confusing. “You told me to call Cathy, so I called Cathy.”
Esther was momentarily speechless. “Cathy went and got you in Fort Collins?”
“I told her if we took a detour to the sand dunes, I’d break every window in her car.”
Esther wouldn’t have believed it. Cathy with her lumbago and gout and bladder problems and a bad hip had driven all the way to Fort Collins to pick up Esther’s sister? But why?
“Cathy thinks the sun rises and sets with you,” Ivy said. “I had to hear about how great you are all the way here. That and Cathy’s migraines. She’s thinking of getting her ears pierced by a doctor.”
“Thank you for bringing Winnie back.”
Ivy nodded, and her eyes pooled with tears.
It was obvious Ivy had done a lot of crying recently. “Why did you bring her back?”
“Because Jordan’s a jerk. He won’t get a job. He won’t even take care of Winnie while I get a job, not that I’d want him to. He doesn’t love me. He only loves himself and the money I can give him.” She pressed her lips together. “He yelled at her yesterday.”
“Winnie?”
“She was crying, and he was trying to sleep, and he yelled at her to shut up.”
Esther pulled the blanket closer around her shoulders as a shiver traveled down her spine. “Did he hurt her?”
Ivy tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Hurt her feelings. But I could see it was only going to get worse because Jordan is a jerk and never thinks about anybody but himself. Even though you’re Amish, I knew Winnie would be better off here with you.”
Esther closed her eyes against the thought of what might have happened. “You’re a good mother.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
Was it a lie? Esther didn’t even know. “You thought of Winnie first. That’s what a good mother would do.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me anymore. I’ll sign those adoption papers and then you won’t have to pretend to like me. You won’t have to be nice to me or call her Winter or give me a place to sleep. You won’t have to pretend.”
Ivy shuddered, and Esther slid her arm around her. “I’m not pretending. I do love you.” She didn’t like Ivy very much, but Ivy was her sister. She would always love her.
“Then why did you let me go? Why did you let me take Winnie and get in that truck with Jordan?”
“I couldn’t stop you.”
“You were willing to let Winnie go just to be rid of me, even after you told me I deserved better than Jordan.”
“And you do,” Esther said.
“But you didn’t try to talk me out of leaving with him. You begged me to bring Winnie back. You said it didn’t matter where I was, you would come and get Winnie anywhere, anytime.” Ivy turned her face away. “But you didn’t care that I was going off with Jordan. Jordan! The guy who broke my collarbone. The guy who can’t stay sober for more than a few hours. You wanted me gone, and you didn’t care who I left with, even if it was the guy who beat me up. You didn’t care what happened to me. You only care about Winnie. Don’t try to deny it.”
Esther expelled a deep breath. “I’m not going to lie. I wanted you to go away. I wanted to keep Winnie and get rid of you.”
Tears pooled in Ivy’s eyes. She blinked them away. “Like throwing me in the trash.”
Esther’s temper flared. It was so unfair of Ivy to accuse her like that. “What should I have done? Even before Winnie, even before Jordan, you made my life miserable.”
Ivy lifted her chin resentfully. “How can you say that about your own sister?”
Esther wasn’t going to back down this time. Ivy had asked for the truth and she was going to get it. “How can you not see what you have done? Before you even turned sixteen, you were determined to ruin my life. You tried to steal every boy who was interested in me. You kissed my fiancé. Kissed. My. Fiancé. I cried for weeks. My heart was broken, and you just laughed about it.”
“You didn’t have to call off the wedding. Menno still wanted to marry you.”
“Oh, yes, I was so eager to marry a boy who had been caught with my sister. Trust was completely shattered. Do you know how long it’s taken me to trust another man?” Ivy would not look at her. Of course not. It was hard to come face-to-face with a lie you’d created for yourself. “And then you just left, without telling anyone. Mamm’s heart was broken. I wouldn’t have even considered marriage after you left, because Mamm didn’t want me to leave her. I watched Mamm and Dat waste away with grief, all because of you. Of course I wasn’t glad to see you when you came to Colorado. You dumped your baby on my doorstep, then came back thinking you could take her from me. Can you blame me for wanting to be rid of you?”
To her surprise, Ivy didn’t throw off the quilt and storm away. She didn’t stomp her foot or punch Esther in the face. The light of the quarter moon illuminated her face enough for Esther to see that she was crying. Esther did the only thing she could think of. She nudged Ivy’s head onto her shoulder, stroked her hair, and whispered, “Hush, hush, little dewdrop. Hush now.”
She hadn’t called Ivy “little dewdrop” for at least fifteen years. It sounded foreign on her tongue, yet natural and right at the same time.
“I wanted you to hurt,” Ivy sobbed. “I wanted you to hurt as bad as I was hurting.”
Esther frowned. Ivy couldn’t have experienced any pain like what she had inflicted on Esther. The anger bubbled like bile in her throat. Ivy would never stop playing the victim. She nearly stood up and went inside, fed up with Ivy and her lies and her selfishness. Ivy could find another place to sleep tonight. Esther was done being hurt by her sister.
Faint sounds of Winnie giggling came from inside the house. Levi loved to toss Winnie up in the air and make her laugh. What would Esther do without him? Levi’s words floa
ted into her mind. Can’t you see how broken Ivy is? Levi had always felt more pity for Ivy than Esther ever had, maybe because he didn’t know Ivy as well as Esther did. Or maybe because he saw what Esther was not willing to see. Esther slid closer to Ivy and pulled the quilt tighter around them. Maybe she should look past her anger and just listen. Levi would want her to at least try to understand. “Why were you hurting, Ivy?”
“Because Mamm and Dat didn’t love me.”
“Of course they loved you.”
“Not near as much as they loved you.” She pitched her voice higher. “‘Ivy,’ Mamm would say, ‘why can’t you be more like Esther? You can’t sew and you can’t cook and you won’t help with your cousins. What a lazy child you are.’ She wouldn’t teach me how to cook because she said it was a waste of time. She said it was easier to let you help her because you already knew what to do.”
Esther thought back to those years. It was true that Mamm had depended on Esther for help and rarely asked Ivy to do anything. Could it be that Mamm had been too tired or too impatient to teach Ivy when Esther could already do things so much better? She was four years older, and it was just easier for Mamm to get Esther to help than to try to teach Ivy how to do anything. Where Esther had thought Ivy was lazy, maybe Mamm had labeled her as incapable.
Ivy wrapped her arms around herself. “You were better than me at everything. You still are. Even at being a mother. Dat loved you. You helped him with the money and studied how to grow more corn.”
“Dat loved you too.”
Ivy shook her head. “He ignored me.”
Esther couldn’t believe it, didn’t believe it. She’d seen the way Dat and Mamm had loved and cared for Ivy, but she could also see it from the eyes of a little girl who had trouble learning to read and a sister who could do everything better than she could. Of course Esther had been able to do everything better than Ivy. Ivy was four years younger.
“Every time I knew a boy was interested in you, I tried to get him to like me instead, just to prove I was better than you at something, anything. But it never worked out that way. You were prettier and more mature. The boys put up with me. They adored you.”
Esther forced a small laugh. “I remember that differently.”
Ivy curled her fingers around the quilt at her shoulders. “The trouble with Menno was all my fault. I’m sorry.”
Esther tried not to show her surprise. She never would have dreamed that Ivy would apologize for that.
“I thought if I could get Menno to love me, Mamm and Dat would see that I wasn’t worthless, and you would see that a boy could like me better than he liked you. I wanted you to be jealous. I was so jealous of you.” She didn’t look at Esther, but she wrapped her fingers around Esther’s forearm and squeezed tight. “I’m sorry, Esther. I’m sorry I came between you and Menno.”
“Menno made his own choices.”
“But he never would have fallen if I hadn’t tempted him.” Esther stroked her hand down Ivy’s arm. “I was mad and deeply hurt over Menno, but you said it yourself—I should have been grateful. And I was, even if my pride didn’t allow me to admit it.” There was more than just uncovering Menno’s unfaithful heart. If she had married Menno, she never would have met Levi. Levi was her true match.
“I wanted Menno to love me. I asked him to run away with me, but he wanted to stay in the community and try to make you love him again.”
“That never would have happened.”
Ivy nodded. “I know. Menno had lowered himself to kiss your sister. You didn’t want him after that.”
“He gave in to temptation. I didn’t think he lowered himself. You were always prettier and more desirable.”
“What a silly thing to say, and so untrue,” Ivy said. “I tried to act like I didn’t care, but I knew how much I had hurt you, Esther. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.”
“I know,” Esther said, even though she didn’t know that she knew until that very moment. “I’m sorry too, for refusing to talk to you for a whole month. I wanted to punish you. I didn’t mean to drive you away.”
Ivy sat up straighter. “It’s not your fault, Esther. After what happened with Menno, Dat told me I needed to go away, get out of the community. He said I’d done enough damage to the family and you were better off without me.”
Esther’s stomach dropped to her toes. “He . . . he told you that?”
“He gave me a thousand dollars to leave.”
“But . . . but what about Mamm? She was heartbroken.” Esther refused to believe it. Surely Dat wouldn’t have done that to Mamm.
“He said Mamm would get over it. He said I would keep disappointing her every day if I stayed.”
Esther opened her mouth to argue and promptly closed it again as memories of Dat’s last days in the hospital came back to her. I did what I thought was right by Ivy and your mater, Esther. I shouldn’t have thrown off one of my children like that, and now Gotte is punishing me. I should have taken care of Ivy. Now it’s in your hands. At the time, Esther had thought Dat was missing Mamm and brokenhearted about Ivy leaving the family. But now those words sounded like remorse, remorse for something he’d done that he could never take back.
Maybe Ivy’s leaving hadn’t been completely Esther’s fault.
“For eight years I tried to convince myself that you and Mamm still loved me, even if Dat didn’t, but I didn’t dare come home for fear I’d find out you really didn’t need me or love me or care for me at all. I never gave up hope that you would take me back and love me even though I was completely unlovable. But the day I took Winnie away, I saw the truth of everything in your eyes. Just like Dat had said, you didn’t want me. You were better off without me. I’d caused too much heartache. You wished I’d never been born.”
The tears trickled down Esther’s cheeks like rain on a windowpane. “Oh, no, never, never say that.” She clutched Ivy tightly to her, and loud, ugly sobs fell from her mouth. Poor Ivy. Poor, broken, frightened Ivy. Ivy truly didn’t have a friend in the world, not even her sister. And she had lived with that burden for far too long.
Was this why Dat had left Esther all that money and asked her to look after Ivy? Did he feel guilty, profoundly guilty for what he had done, for words that couldn’t be unsaid, for sins that couldn’t be forgiven? Esther hadn’t known that Dat had told Ivy to go away, but to her shame, she might have agreed with him, might have been happy to know Dat had stood up for her. But there was no pleasure in the thought that he had rejected one child for the sake of another. He shouldn’t have done it, and Esther should have tried harder to find Ivy and bring her home. Hadn’t Ivy said as much only a few weeks ago?
Esther caught her bottom lip between her teeth. She was torn between her dislike for Ivy and the need to take care of her sister and heal the relationship. How could she do anything but invite Ivy into her home again? Maybe they could start afresh. Maybe they could just be sisters. “I want you to stay, Ivy. I want you to stay here with us. There will always be a place for you.”
“Now you just feel sorry for me. I saw your true feelings two weeks ago. You don’t want me here.”
Esther couldn’t deny her misgivings. “Feeling sorry for you is a start, I guess.”
Ivy turned away as if she couldn’t bear the honesty in Esther’s eyes. “I don’t want pity, especially yours.”
“What do you want me to say? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you’re very hard to live with. You seem determined to make everyone around you miserable.”
“How else could I know that you’ll love me no matter what?”
And there it was. The absolute and stark truth. Esther felt the heaviness of it like a fatal disease. “You’re right, Ivy. I haven’t loved you well. I haven’t loved you as Jesus would love you.”
Ivy groaned. “You’re so pious, Esther. You think I want you to love me because it’s your duty as a Christian? Don’t bother.”
“I should love you because you’re my sister.”
“S
till sounds like duty.” Ivy sighed, shook her head, and closed her eyes for a long minute. “It’s not your fault you don’t love me. Nobody loves me. Not even Jordan, and that’s sinking pretty low. I’m not worthy of anybody’s love, and I never will be. Even my own daughter doesn’t love me. Jordan is all I deserve, and we both know it.” She sounded so sad, so lost.
Esther had nothing to give, nothing to make her feel better. Lies and half-truths and declarations of love wouldn’t convince Ivy of anything. Esther had been guilty of treating Ivy as a duty, and she didn’t know how to treat her otherwise. But . . . Levi did. Levi always had. “Levi doesn’t think you’re unlovable. He likes you. He’s told me before that he enjoys your company.”
Ivy sneered. “Levi was being nice to me to get me to sign those papers.”
“No, he wasn’t. Remember the day under the apricot tree when you spilled lemonade on Winnie? He stood up for you and chastised me for being cross. I told him to go stick his head in the new toilet.”
Ivy cracked a smile. The smile gave way to a giggle. “I bet that surprised him.”
Esther grinned. “Oh, I’ve given him a setdown a time or two.”
Ivy pressed her lips together. “It was Menno all over again.”
“What do you mean?”
“The reason I started dressing Amish. It was easy to see that you loved Levi. Even easier to see Levi was in love with you. I wanted to steal him. I thought if I could make him fall in love with me, I would finally be worthy.” She glanced at Esther. “He is the first man who has treated me well for a very long time. I was an idiot, but I truly thought he was going to ask me to marry him.”
“I thought that too.”
Ivy nodded. “I knew you did. The morning of the brunch, you were upset about Levi, and your sadness made me very happy, I’m ashamed to say. I was expecting a proposal, and when it didn’t happen, I decided you were both in on a plan to lie to me and embarrass me. I knew then that you didn’t love me. That you were only pretending so you could take Winter from me. I was wonderful angry.”
The Amish Quiltmaker's Unexpected Baby Page 29
