Still Holding

by Bruce Wagner

  I want insecurity and disquietude.

  I want hardship

  And struggle with no end.

  And if you should give them to me, O God,

  Give them to me once and for all,

  For I will not always find the courage

  To ask you for what you still have.

  —ANONYMOUS

  About the Author

  . . .

  BRUCE WAGNER is the author of three novels: Force Majeure, I’m Losing You, and I’ll Let You Go. He has written and directed two films, I’m Losing You and Women in Film, based on his novels. He lives in Los Angeles.

  Also by Bruce Wagner

  I’ll Let You Go

  I’m Losing You

  Force Majeure

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  This book is a work of fiction. The characters, conversations, and events in the novel are the product of my imagination, and no resemblance to any actual conduct of real-life persons, or to actual events, is intended. Although, for the sake of verisimilitude, certain public figures do make incidental appearances or are briefly referred to in the novel, their interactions with the characters invented are wholly my creation and are not intended to be understood as descriptions of real or actual events, or to reflect in any way upon the actual conduct or character of these public figures.

  Copyright © 2003 by Bruce Wagner

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  First Simon & Schuster paperback edition 2004

  SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  The author gratefully acknowledges permission to reprint the following material:

  “Hot Property; Her Extra Territory” by Ruth Ryon, © 2002 Los Angeles Times. “The Logical Song” words and music by Rick Davies and Roger Hodgson © 1979 Almo Music Corp. and Delicate Music. All Rights Controlled and Administered by Almo Music Corp. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission. Excerpt from Bardo Guidebook, Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche. Rangjung Yeshe Publications. © 1991 Chökyi Nyima Rinpoche & Rangjung Yeshe Publications.

  Designed by Paul Dippolito

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

  Wagner, Bruce.

  Still holding / Bruce Wagner.

  p. cm.

  1. Hollywood (Los Angeles, Calif.)—Fiction. 2. Motion picture industry—Fiction.

  I. Title.

  PS3573.A369S75 2003

  813'.54—dc21 2003057256

  ISBN 0-7432-4337-4

  0-7432-4338-2 (Pbk)

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4391-2967-8 (eBook)