Lancelot and the Wolf

by Sarah Luddington

  I expected tears. I’m not good with tears. Instead, Else tried to stand, she almost managed it by holding onto Mercury’s stirrup leather to help. The colour of her eyes darkened and her own anger crackled against mine.

  “And do you think,” she began, “this has been fun for me? Do you think running and hiding as a boy is a good way for me to live my life? Constantly in fear of discovery, constantly in fear of attack, of being found. Do you think it’s fun lying to someone who you care about? Who you owe your life too?”

  A long lonely howl screamed through the wood. Seconds later the baying of hounds coursed fear through my blood. They had found our entrance into the stream. I moved quickly, sweeping Else up into my arms and I pushed her onto the horse. I tore great stretches off the dress and wrapped Mercury’s hooves, then did Ash’s. We were both silent during the process. I swung into Ash’s saddle. The cacophony behind us increased.

  “I’m sorry,” Else said. I looked into her eyes, she meant it but did I want to hear it?

  I pushed Ash forward and we began to ride along another narrow path. We’d lost any advantage we had and I felt the pressure at my back as I rode behind the small gelding. I thought about Else while I assessed our predicament. Something serious must have forced her to live the way she had been, hand to mouth, no protector, family or friends. She’d chosen to travel with me because she must have thought I’d be safer than anyone else, or going her own way. She could have run from me at any time. I’d have just lost the price of a good horse. Now I knew she wasn’t a boy I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. She moved with a softness and grace no lad ever thought of mimicking. How desperate had her life been to risk herself in such a way?

  I just wished she’d told me, trusted me. Why would she think I’d be a threat if I knew her secrets? At least I now understood her prudish attitude toward my whoring. Women lied. She lied. All the women in my life lied and tortured. The terrible pain I’d suffered in England dimmed in Else’s company. Now it all came back in a rush of misery. How did this happen to me? I was saving yet another woman by laying my life down for hers.

  The path started to incline sharply. Else pulled up and turned in her saddle, “Can we get the horses up there?” she pointed at a scree hillside covered in scrubby trees. The occasional large rock protruded from the loose shale covering the steep slope.

  I looked at her and said, “I can but can you?” she was so pale. “We can’t ride up it, we’ll have to scramble and let the horses find their own way.”

  She nodded, “I can do it if you think it will help.”

  We rode to the bottom of the slope and pushed the horses into the small oak trees. They soon began slipping on the rocks but we found a path carved by the likes of deer and foxes. I finally slid off Ash and helped Else down. She felt strange in my hands, my body reacting to her presence in a predictable manner. I ached for her profoundly, shocked by the surge of lust. I gasped and almost dropped her down the slope I tried to escape her so fast. I made it to Ash’s head, grabbed his reins and pulled him forward, moving quickly, trying to escape myself and the hounds. I tried hard not to think. The sound of the hunt echoed off the side of the hill we climbed. Dogs would have no trouble with the loose rocks but would their masters want the risk badly enough to come after us?

  Else began to pant hard. Her breathing out of control. I looked down into the forest spreading out below us. Light flashed off steel helms. They would reach the slopes of our cliff face in no time. I glanced upward. Large rocks seemingly balanced on thin air hung over the scree slope. I struggled past Ash to avoid falling.

  I pulled Else upright, “You take Ash, I’m going up there,” I pointed. “If you hear them still following you just ride. I will slow them down as much as I can.” I grabbed my sword and the short bow I used for hunting.

  “Lancelot,” she grabbed my arm when she realised what I planned. “Thank you.”

  “Just keep the horses safe,” I said gruffly and I scrambled away from Ash. If I’d been alone I would have managed to outrun them but Else needed help. She needed to recover and I needed to check that damned wound.

  On hands and knees, I made swift progress up the cliff face. Pulling myself from tree to tree where possible. I still had to dig my fingers into the sharp shale. They were cut and bleeding in no time. The damned mail shirt weighed me down and I sweated under the hot morning sun. Grunting, I hauled myself over the edge of the rocks. I lay for a moment wheezing, my lungs and muscles screamed at me.

  “This better fucking work,” I muttered. I rolled over and crouched low. I’d raced up the slope to avoid observation. I did not want to be seen from below. I watched Else half leading, half leaning on Ash. She’d tied Mercury to his saddle and the three of them moved quickly. The hounds circled below trying to find our tracks. The huntsmen closed in on their trail. I didn’t want to kill any of them, they were following orders but I also didn’t want to be hung for killing a worm.

  If I worked swiftly enough I’d have time to get this right and save lives. I found what I’d spied from below, a small tree trunk, uprooted that winter because leaves graced its small crown. I pulled and it moved. Every muscle in my arms and shoulders begged me to stop but I learnt to swing a sword at four years old and I’d been pushing myself ever since. I ignored everything but my end goal, survival. I forced the narrow roots under the rocks and worked the trunk like a lever. Up and down, the seesaw action pushed the trunk deeper and deeper every time the earth around the rocks gave. I heard the horses gathering at the slope and men’s voices discussing the merits of following us. I heaved. The rock shifted. I pushed, it wobbled but the trunk couldn’t give me any more. The earth too soft to take the pressure. I climbed over the tree and dug my fingers under the huge rock. I realised the impossibility but I’m a stubborn bastard. I heaved and lifted with my legs. The pain, the need to stop became anger and grief over Arthur and his cursed wife. I suddenly saw her. Long blonde hair blowing in the summer breeze, she laughed at me and caressed my face. Her betrayal snapped something in my mind and caused my heart to cry out in an anguish I hadn’t released even as I’d been flogged. I thought about Else and how alone she’d been, how brave and how she’d never asked anything of me but her own space. The rock shifted. The rock fell. The rock tumbled away from me and I almost fell after it.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I didn’t bother to wait to see the chaos. I did hear it. Dogs barking, men yelling, horses screaming in fear. I prayed silently they all escaped the crashing hellish maelstrom of rock. The top of the cliff rolled downward gently. I ran on trembling legs. The forest once more became a gentle warm place.

  Else stood holding Mercury but leaning on Ash. He didn’t flinch even as her blood dripped down his leg. He just kept turning his head to check on her. He whinnied softly as I appeared, seeming to ask for my help. I rubbed his head when I reached him.

  “Else?” I peered at her. She slowly raised her head and managed a smile.

  “We won?”

  “For the moment. Now, let me check this wound,” I said dropping to my knees.

  She pushed off Ash, “Just where I like my men. On their knees,” she laughed weakly at her own joke and I heard a sob at the end.

  “Well, if you behave yourself I’ll be happy to kneel before you, my lady,” I said peeling back the hole in her clothes. The arrow had cut down to her ribs, a clean slice. It would need stitching to close it, but if we kept it washed, it should heal. I gave her the news.

  “Oh, good, stitches,” she said as she tried to see.

  I slapped her hands, “Don’t touch it. Let me unravel some of these bindings and move them over the wound. We need time to stitch it well and I want to put a few miles between us and that accident.”

  “I can do it,” she began to pull away.

  “Worrying about your modesty isn’t going to help us escape,” I snapped. “For God’s sake, woman just accept my help and be done with this game.”

  Else froze instantly
, “Sorry,” she murmured.

  I carefully pulled her jerkin over her head. Its soft wool and leather smelt heavily of horse and Else. The bandages around her chest and stomach, one to flatten nature, one to fill it out, were clean and neatly tied.

  I undid the one for her waist.

  “Why did you lie?” I asked, concentrating only on the soft fabric in my hands and trying to avoid the bloodstains.

  “I didn’t mean to, I meant to tell you as soon as I could but when you offered me a job, I realised I wanted it. I wanted to stay with you and feel safe for a change. I’ve never travelled closely with one person before and I thought I could manage well enough. Even the Sheriff’s brother didn’t think he was raping a girl.” She sounded detached. I didn’t look up into her face. I didn’t want this to be personal.

  “I hate being deceived,” I said.

  “I know. I don’t blame you. I would just beg you to dump me somewhere large enough for me to be lost.”

  “Like a forest,” I snapped.

  “I was rather hoping for a town,” she said quietly. A small hand suddenly captured my right one, my fist full of linen. “I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you or confuse you. I just wanted to be safe.”

  I stared hard at her hand and realised her stomach lay inches from my nose. Flat, tight, narrow waisted. “How long have you been living like this?” I asked, my voice rough.

  “Five years, travelling from place to place. I knew it couldn’t last, I’m not getting any younger and the crows’ feet don’t match the beardless face.” I heard her frustration.

  “Why did you do it?” I had to concentrate on something else other than the feel of her hand on mine. Her callous’ rough as my own. My fingers still sore from the climb.

  “I had to run and hide. I didn’t want to marry the wrong man and my father isn’t very forgiving.”

  “Who is your father?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. I looked up then, straight into her soft round eyes. How could I have thought her a boy? The brown, so warm, so precious. A gift.

  The moment stretched. I stayed on my knees looking up into that urchin’s face with its short spiky halo of hair and she stared down into my rough, square jawed, features. She smiled and her left hand moved of its own accord to gently trace the line of a scar over my right eye.

  The howling of hounds made us jump. “Fuck,” I snapped. “Hold still.” I ruthlessly bandaged the wound up. Else whimpered at the feel of the linen but didn’t cry out. As I stood, she swayed unnervingly. I lifted her into my arms and pushed her onto Ash. I jumped up behind her and wrapped one arm around her waist and another on Ash’s reins. Mercury remained tied to the saddle.

  We moved off, deeper into the green wood.

  The canopy began to thicken and the light grew greener. Else remained conscious but she seemed barely aware of our surroundings. The sounds of the dogs gradually dwindled behind us. Unable to climb the scree, they would have to find a way round and pick up our scent at random. Finally, we were able to put room between us and the sheriff.

  We rode at a walk but I maintained a good pace. I wouldn’t let Ash wander. I noticed other trees and flowers surrounding us, at one point we walked through a patch of wild garlic. The smell making all of us hungry.

  “There is bread in my saddle bags,” Else said quietly. I pulled Mercury toward me and raided his bags. We ate bread and some cheese, drinking water, as we rode.

  Few words passed between us. I didn’t know what to say to Else the runaway girl. I’d known what to say to my squire, but I spent my time with women doing one of two things. Either doxies in taverns or women so far above my station in life it didn’t feel real. Else though, felt warm in my arms and incredibly small.

  We approached a fork in the path once more. “We need to go right,” Else said pointing. Her arm trembled. The path looked a great deal darker than the one to the left.

  “I think we need to go into the light. If I need to stitch you up I need light to do it and this day isn’t getting any younger.” I turned Ash to the left fork.

  Else put her hand on mine, “Please, Lancelot, go right.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Just trust me,” she said.

  “Why?” I repeated my tone more loaded.

  She sighed. “You are still angry with me.”

  “I just want to find you somewhere safe to stay. We will be safer if we are separated.” The words spilled from me roughly. Else made me a criminal and then she lied to me. Another woman in my life played games like that and I did not wish to repeat the experience. My freedom from trouble is all I really wanted. Women came and went. This one made my heart ache and my loins tighten, but I knew how to control those sensations.

  “You are going to leave me?” she asked.

  “You have a better idea?” I didn’t want an answer. “This has made a mess out of both our lives. If I leave you somewhere safe, we have a chance. I’ll lead the sheriff away but that’s all I can do for you.”

  “She really did a number on you didn’t she?” Else growled quietly. Then more strongly, “Go right, it will lead us somewhere safe.”

  “How do you know?” I bit each word off. She had no right to judge me. I suddenly wanted Else gone from my arms.

  “Because I have lived near here,” Else snapped in return. She struggled, no longer relaxed against me, trying to assert her separation. I allowed it to happen. The loss of her warmth felt like the loss of the sun in a desert, issuing in an ice cold night.

  I decided I didn’t want any more detail. We rode down the right fork into the darkness of the forest. The ground and the trees grew mossy. The air became damp and heavy. Large rocks rose around us, further cutting off the light and filtering us through deep crevasses. At one point Else tilted crazily in the saddle and I realised she’d exhausted herself with her small act of defiance. I pulled her back against my chest and held her gently as we walked onward. The forest became still and quiet. It really reminded me of my dreams. I wished I’d left Else at the fork in the road and gone my own way.

  My thigh started to feel damp. I looked down, blood stained my leg, “Else, we need to make camp. You need to be stitched up. You’re bleeding again.”

  She didn’t reply. I twisted her in my arms, she’d sunk into unconsciousness. We had to stop. A small stream crossed our path. I rode Ash and Mercury off the track and draped Else over Ash’s neck as I slipped off his back. I reached up and pulled her down, she lay in my arms. So empty, so still. Her pulse fluttered in her neck. I lay her down on the mossy floor of the bank near the stream and made camp. It took a long time. I felt stiff and tired. It had been a long couple of days. I finally gave up with the mail shirt and shrugged it off. I realised I’d been bleeding, my back having split once more due to the pressure I’d placed it under. It just made me feel more weary.

  I started a small fire, but it spat fitfully, the wood damp. I collected fresh water and untacked the horses. They wouldn’t wander far and I had to let them find some food. I wished them luck I’d not seen anything to eat for hours.

  I finally realised I could delay no longer. I had to help Else. I hate stitching people up. It’s far easier to put holes in them than repair them. I retrieved a small kit from my bag and approached Else. She looked so small, lying still in the dark light of the forest. I took my knife, washed it and my hands in the stream. I had a small flask of brandy in my bag, so after one quick swig, I poured some of that over the blade of the knife. Keeping wounds clean is always hard, but the good Sister in England left me a large pot of her healing cream so I’d use that for afterward.

  I took the knife and simply cut through Else’s clothing, then the makeshift bandage. Blood no longer seeped it flowed as I worked. I poured the rest of the drink into her wound. She roused briefly but settled back into unconsciousness. A long strip of bone winked at me through her muscle and flesh. Rolling her onto her side, I started work. I tried to keep the stitches close together and small t
o help the scarring. She woke once or twice, but hardly seemed aware of my efforts on her behalf.

  It took forever to finish and dress her wound. How she’d managed the day we’d had with a hole in her that size I didn’t know, her strength seemed endless. Once I finished I woke her to make her drink. We managed a little water but she didn’t really seem aware. The afternoon drew to a close. I tried to keep the fire going and find food. Neither worked well but the horses remained nearby and calm. I finally decided sleep would be a good idea. I knew I should sit on guard, but equally, if I didn’t sleep I’d make mistakes. I left Ash in charge of our small camp. Else shivered in her delirium, so I took both our bedrolls, curled up around her and dived into sleep.

  The dream came up slowly, unlike every other time I’d taken the shape of the wolf. I lay before the hind, who slept. I stood and paced around her. The hart, his antlers low walked toward me, we touched noses as though we had loved each other for a long time. A woman, a tall woman with long brown hair, the same shade as Else’s came forward. She was beautiful, regal, slim and elegant. Both I and the hart bowed before her, she smiled and the world became lighter. She crouched before us and stroked our heads. It felt as though I’d been kissed by a goddess. She walked to the doe and I rose to go with her, she looked so sad as she tried to wake the animal. Grief broke inside my heart and soul.

  I woke, weeping, curled around Else’s still form. Dawn had come.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “Lancelot,” came a soft voice. I already knew who would be standing before me. I uncurled from around Else. She stood there, the woman from my dream, for the first time I noticed her eyes. Deep blue, startling and slightly shiny.

  I moved slowly away from Else and placed my hand on my sword. The leather hilt a comfort. “Who are you?”

  She smiled, “I am Else’s sister.”