Lancelot and the Wolf

by Sarah Luddington

  “I have enough to take the horses,” Else said. She watched me drink strong liquor of indeterminate heritage. I’d taken to drinking heavily as we travelled, it helped ground me and made the withdrawal slightly less agonising.

  “Well, I’m not leaving Ash here,” I snapped. “He’ll kill anyone other than Dillon.” I hid my relief from her, I needed Ash, he steadied my nerves and acted as an anchor. He gave me something real to hold onto, something that needed my concentration and dedication.

  We were in a town I didn’t use to reach England, Mont St Michel. Else knew it, she’d used it to hide her identity for some months. She now wore a simple dress of deepest green, a warm woollen cloak around her shoulders. The curls from her brown hair kissed her high cheekbones. She looked beautiful. I spent a great deal of time not watching her.

  I stared at a woman, obviously touting for business in the tavern, her dark blonde hair neatly tied back. I wondered idly what she’d feel like in bed. Then I realised I didn’t care. I didn’t ever want another woman in my bed. I never wanted another woman in any capacity in my life. Arthur might well be in danger and I would go to him, but once he knew of the threat, I planned on leaving Else. I also knew Stephen de Clare would cause chaos when he realised I brought his sister home, but I’d bedded her. Else and I needed a conversation about how she wanted to handle the situation but I really didn’t feel able to cope.

  She sat with me while I tried to drink myself into a stupor and didn’t say a word. When the tide came in, we left the tavern, collected the horses and I spent a long time coaxing Ash onto the ship. He eventually consented when Else took his bridle. We were a long way from England. It would take almost three days to reach the south coast and another two weeks, maybe more to reach Camelot. Once there, I’d either live or die at Arthur’s behest. I’d given up caring to be honest. I had nothing left to live for; I’d given my heart and honour to one woman only to have her marry my best friend, then turn him into a cuckold. When I’d escaped her I’d run into Else. She had lain in wait for me, taken me and used me. She had dishonoured herself using my body and I would have to pay.

  I spent the whole journey drinking alone. The Capitan watched me warily. The sailors gave me wide berth. Misery became my only companion.

  CHAPTER TEN

  As a high functioning alcoholic, I managed to pack and organise Ash just as land came into view. The rough trip meant I’d spent the whole time on deck, battling sea sickness, constant drunkenness and Else’s presence on board. She felt like a huge fleabite under my skin, which needed scratching. I hated her being near me. She’d lost all colour in her warm skin and seemed to be losing weight. Else spent as much time as possible below decks with the horses.

  When we docked, I couldn’t see her with Mercury, which surprised me because he stood patiently waiting for her. She’d brushed and tacked him up, even tied her bedroll on the back of his saddle, but I didn’t see her anywhere nearby. The itch she represented grew to be a pain. An ache under my heart. Where the hell was she? That ache began to spread into my chest. I hated it. That ache meant I’d need to at least see her to ease its pain. When she vanished from my sight for too long it hurt and the pain just grew worse until I couldn’t breathe around it or think.

  “Damn it, fucking woman,” I cursed. I didn’t want to admit I felt scared for her, Else had never been anywhere she shouldn’t in all the months I’d known her.

  I tied Ash and stomped up the ramp they used to help the horses in and out of the ship. We’d paid extra to have them housed under the deck, helping to keep them safe and warm.

  I reached the deck and looked for her tousled head and green dress. Nothing. She must have decided to change. I walked into the galley and down into the cabin area of the ship. I heard a muffled cry.

  “Else,” I whispered, already moving as though I’d never drunk a drop in my life. I crept forward quickly. I drew my knife from my belt and wished I had room to use my sword. The Captain’s cabin came into view and seemed to be the sight of all things interesting. I reached it, four men were present. Four men and one woman. Three holding down my squire and one about to make use of her. Her dress lay torn over parts of her body and bruises already coloured her pale skin. The world became a very simple place suddenly.

  “Just hold the whore still,” said the Captain. “Only bloody good for one thing and he clearly don’t want nuffing to do with her. Maybe his Lordship has a limp dick but she aint his wife, I knows that,” he grabbed his stiff cock and moved to push it into Else. She tried to fight. I stepped into the small room.

  “Is this a game for all comers?” I asked calmly, echoing the challenge I made to the last rapist I discovered.

  The Captain jumped back from his prize, I cut his throat. Blood leaked down his grubby waistcoat and a small gurgle escaped. He died before he hit his chin on the table. Two more went down in one big movement. The third tried to stab me with his own knife, but by this time Else found herself free. She flipped onto her feet. She reached for her torn gown and wrapped the sleeve around his neck, pulling tight. She heaved him backward, onto the small table. He reached for the garrotte, with a knife in his right hand. She grabbed it and cut his throat. Not one word passed our lips until it ended. We just stood, both of us breathing heavily and stared at each other.

  “This is becoming a habit,” I said.

  “Men are only ever after one thing,” she managed through swollen lips.

  “Not all men,” I said gently as I watched her eyes fill with tears.

  She whimpered, a small sound of anguish. With no room to think I found my arms around her small body even before I realised I’d moved. I held her closer than I’d ever done before and she trembled.

  The ship came into harbour, the movements gentle under our feet. We’d be at the dock in moments. I had to get her moving. We’d become fugitives once more, only this time I was in England. My territory.

  “We have to leave, do you have another dress?” I asked as I gently disentangled her from my body. The room began to stink of dead men. Blood leaked everywhere. I sighed, I did kill too easily. I felt nothing for these men. They had threatened my… The thought died. My what? Lover? Wife? Burden? Torturer? Squire?

  She looked up at me, her right eye puffy again, “You didn’t notice?”

  “Else, now is not the time to criticise me for not noticing a new dress.” I brushed hair out of her eyes.

  “I have a blue dress,” she said as she mournfully picked at the green one. “This was my best dress though.”

  “We’ll buy you a new one,” I said. “Just get dressed into something decent.” I lifted her over the dead men.

  “Everything is on the horses,” she told me.

  I growled something foul and considered my options. “Fine, put this on and wait.” I shrugged out of my cloak and pulled the dead men into the cabin, firmly closing the door. Else looked frail in the vastness of my winter cloak.

  The ship bumped against the dock. “Do you trust me?” I asked.

  “With my life,” she said instantly.

  “Then make like a sack,” I said as I bent, folded her over my shoulder and lifted. Else grunted but lay passive over my back. No one could see her head or her feet. I might just pull this off by making it appear I carried my cloak rather than wearing it. I walked onto the deck. The pain in my heart eased with each step and my strength returned. I walked through all the sailors who were busy with the docking and down toward the horses. I slung Else as gently as possible over Mercury’s surprised back and tied her in place.

  “Stay quiet, no matter what, stay still and quiet,” I ordered.

  She looked up briefly as I pulled back the hood, “Thank you. You didn’t have to save me,” she said.

  “Yes, I did.” I covered her head, unable to say more.

  I tied Mercury to Ash and led the stallion out of the bowels of the ship. We walked up the ramp and the horse’s hooves beat a slow tattoo on the wooden deck before reaching the thick planks
down to the shore.

  “Where’s your woman?” came a surly question from the first mate.

  I paused, “I have no fucking idea and I care even less. She’s meeting me in Jack’s Tavern,” I said knowing this town well enough to name a favoured drinking spot.

  He grunted, not really caring and we walked slowly back to dry land. I heard the deck hands as we past them, English voices, from an English town, we were in Key Haven. The town from which I’d fled England so many months before. I mounted Ash, after pulling him off the dock and walked him to the nearest small, dark alleyway. The day conspired to help us with dark brooding clouds of the kind that keep even the curious indoors. I didn’t want to dismount to help Else just in case, so I almost lay over her to untie her from Mercury. As she came free, she turned on his back and the flash of naked thigh under my cloak almost unmanned me for good. She straddled the horse effortlessly.

  “You aren’t hurt?” I asked.

  “Only my damned pride,” she muttered.

  “Four men of that size in such a small place would be almost impossible for anyone, there’s no shame in that.” I tried to reassure her.

  “Bastards hit me on the back of the head,” she rubbed her scalp.

  I leaned toward her without thinking and touched her head. Throughout the whole terrible scene we hadn’t made skin on skin contact. I’d worn riding gloves, only now removing them to help her. Our skin touched, a spark flashed into me, arcing out of her body. She yelped. I felt as though I’d been stung.

  “What the fuck?” I snapped as I yanked my hand back.

  Her eyes filled with tears, “It’s the spell. It’s trying to draw you in again,” she almost wailed.

  I felt my anger stir but I also felt pity for her, she didn’t want this, I finally understood, she didn’t want to hurt me. I tempered the anger, “It’s alright. Just so long as you are safe and we don’t have to worry about you having concussion.”

  She sniffed loudly and shook her head, “I’m fine.”

  “That’s clearly not true but we don’t have time to debate it. I suggest we leave town. The gates will be closing in an hour.”

  “Can I change?” she asked. She still wore her boots.

  “Can you do it quickly?” I asked. She nodded. Else sat on Mercury and began rummaging in her packs. She pulled out a leather doublet and hose. Every now and again, a flash of pale flesh would fill my mind as she exposed an arm, breast or leg. I forced myself to move away. In a few moments and without getting off the horse she told me she was ready to move.

  I did not want my actions on the ship to help draw attention to us, so we walked calmly from the alley and wove our way through narrow back streets to reach the main road half way through the town. The port made the place busy at all times of the day and night and allowed all kinds of people to blend. When we reached the town gates, I heard Nones being called in a small monastery to our right. We had maybe four hours of daylight left with the glowering sky hiding the sun. The men on the gates were half asleep and paid no more attention to us than they would to flies on a pile of horse shit. We left without a fuss and visibly relaxed, pushing into the English countryside.

  Night soon became an urgent problem. I wouldn’t risk an open rutted road with no starlight or moonlight so, we stopped and made camp. Else had organised us good provisions and we arranged our makeshift home quickly. She started to cook a simple potage while I tethered the horses.

  I brushed Mercury down with short efficient strokes and I considered my options. My choices were limited and they would affect the rest of my life if I could just find it in myself to forgive some stupid bloody decisions. I finished the horse quickly, wanting to talk more than think. I’d been thinking all too much recently.

  I walked back to the camp and watched Else for a moment. A vivid flash of how she felt in my arms bounced happily out of my memory, a small sound escaped my lips. She turned, her smile faded as she saw whatever was in my face. I fought for control and won, walking back into the firelight calmly.

  “We need to talk,” I began. Else watched me, slightly wary. I sat on a log by the fire and looked into it rather than at my companion. “We need a plan for tackling Arthur. He’s not going to be willing to listen to us without being forced to do so. And it’s hard to make him do anything.”

  “Alright, well, I was planning on just riding into Camelot and asking to see him,” Else said.

  “If we do that he will have me arrested on sight and you packed off to your brother without considering any other option.” I realised my hands shook slightly. I needed a drink. Great one addiction to control another. I have all the brains of a water vole.

  “So, what’s the plan?” she asked dishing up a bowl of potage. The smell was fantastic. Thick and warming, I really needed to eat.

  “I challenge Arthur on the tourney field. He can’t resist a fight. All I have to do is beat him and he’ll be forced to listen to me. He always offers his knights a gift, ‘You can have anything you like if you win, but my wife or my kingdom.’ So, I’ll just ask him to listen to me.”

  Else reached across the space between us with my bowl. I didn’t think about the consequences as I took the bowl. Our fingers brushed and that spark bit us both. We froze, our hands held out with the wooden bowl between us, part of us. Her eyes were so big, her mouth slightly open, she looked tired. The ache in my loins grew painful. I slowly drew my hand back, bowl held in a crushing embrace. Else settled back on her heels and stared into the fire taking deep breaths.

  I continued with my plan but my voice thickened, growing heavy and desperate, “Once we have Arthur’s attention, we will find Merlin and we can sort this mess out.” I finished vaguely. I tried to eat, forcing myself now my stomach had lost interest.

  “Can you win?” she asked.

  I laughed, “Of course I can win. I’m the best he has.”

  “You’ve not fought for months and you are suffering under some great burdens,” she said carefully.

  “You mean, I look like shit, my body is a wreck of addictions and my focus is all over the place? I know, Else, but I’m still the best there is, as I think I proved earlier.” The thick stew warmed my guts and took the edge off everything I suffered.

  “Well, at least you know your limitations,” she said laughing slightly. “Pride not being one of them.”

  I smiled, “We will go to a friend of mine. I’ll need some new equipment and we have no coin. He will not betray us to anyone.”

  “You mean my brother?”

  “Among others,” I paused. The shadow of the mighty Stephen de Clare towered over our campfire. I needed to perform damage limitation, saving Else’s reputation should to be a priority. At least some of the people at Court would remember a de Clare sibling. The words stuck in my throat. A confusion of emotion caused a logjam of thoughts. Part of me wanted to still be angry because I didn’t know which of my thoughts were real or caused by her magic. Part of me just wanted to acknowledge I desired her even before knowing she was a woman. Part of me wanted to simply run. “Else,” I tried again, but she held up her hand.

  “Don’t, look, Lancelot, I know how hard this is for you so just listen. My brother need never know about what happened. It shouldn’t have done anyway and if he tests my virginity,” she shuddered at the thought, “then I can lie. I’ve been out of their hands for a long time. We will just play it that you found me, recognised me and convinced me to come home. Then I’ll ask Arthur to interfere and stop Stephen marrying me to some idiot. If he won’t then I guess I’ll run again, or marry some man and breed his children.” The anger and bitterness in her words shocked me. She also sounded horribly resigned.

  The thought of her marrying someone else did not make me happy. I’d taken her maidenhead and now I would lie about it so I didn’t have to be burdened with her. My quandary lay in the fact I hadn’t done it under my own volition, but I knew full well if I’d been cognisant of the all the information, her virginity would still be mine
to claim.

  “Else,” I said. “Come here,” I couldn’t move to her. I didn’t trust myself.

  She came slowly, warily, as though I really were the wolf. I felt like one, suddenly I would have my prey between my jaws. Her large brown eyes betrayed her fear and desperation. She looked down. I reached up and took her hands. The energy between us rushed and I fought for control of my mind at the contact. I began to lose. The fog rushed through my consciousness. She must have felt or seen it happen because she cried out and pulled her hands back roughly.

  “Damn it,” I cursed, the fog receding. With every muscle in my body knotted and full of power, I reached for my riding gloves and pulled them on with sharp movements. I rose. Else backed off, I reached out and grabbed her hand.

  “Please, don’t run, it’ll just make this harder.” The need to hunt this woman made me sick. I pulled her into my embrace, thick layers of clothing between us, I possessed her and the predator in me backed down. He grew peaceful now he sensed my prey relax in my arms. I smiled. The gloves helped. I held her with the gloves and it eased the honest need I had to be with her without triggering the magic.

  “It works,” I said. “I can feel you but not the spell.” I allowed my hands to move over her body, holding her waist and the back of her head. I pressed her close, tucking her head under my chin. We stood together like that for long minutes.

  “I wish I knew how I really felt,” I whispered. “I want to love you, Else. But I don’t know if it is honest. I do know I have no wish to hide behind your skirts when facing your brother and I have no intention of seeing you marry some fat fool.”

  Else sighed, “I cannot ask for your protection, my Lord, I have no right.”