Mistrust

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “In my opinion, Dakota, you owe it to yourself. Not to her, but to yourself, to know what it is she wants to tell you. It may be another piece you need to move forward and heal or it may be nothing. But if you don’t want to go, then you’re well within your rights to say no. Either way, you have my support.”

  “What do you think?” I ask Reece.

  “It’s not up to me, Dakota. But I have to say, I agree with your mom. Even if she yells and screams at you, you might find something in that to help you deal with all of this. I can be there with you too, if you like?” he offers. He gently takes my hand in his, and his thumb softly strokes the back of my hand.

  I sit and consider the alternative. If I don’t go, then I can’t tell her what I need to tell her for my own self-preservation. If I do go, then I could be a total mess from whatever she’s going to say to me. Weighing up the options, my heart tears at both scenarios. Either way, I’m grateful I have Tara in the morning. She’ll help me through it.

  “Okay, I’ll go,” I timidly say. “Mom, is it okay if Reece takes me?” Mom looks a little hurt when I ask. “It’s not that I don’t want you there, but Reece knows the dynamic at school, and he may have an insight I’m unaware of because I’ve missed a weeks’ worth.”

  A small, though strained smile pulls at Mom’s lips. “I understand. Of course he can take you.”

  I stand and round the table, hug Mom, and give her a peck on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “If she looks like she’s starting to fall, it’s your responsibility to get her out of there and bring her home.” Mom points a finger to Reece.

  “I promise you, I’ll protect her with my life.”

  Mom’s concern is completely justified. This has the potential to become a huge mess. There’s so much that’s happened, and I’m sure even more will happen before it’s through.

  “I’ll grab my jacket,” I say to Reece and head to my room.

  Lindsey looks terrible. Her face is pasty white, her lips are cracked, and she looks like she’s lost a lot of weight from her already slender body. I sit in the chair beside her bed, waiting for her to tell me whatever it is she called me here to say. Her mom is on the other side of the bed. Her eyes are red-rimmed and it’s obvious she’s been crying.

  “Thanks for coming,” Lindsey says in a small, strangled voice.

  Reece is standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. Lindsey’s eyes travel from mine to Reece’s then she looks back down at her hands which are sitting on her lap.

  “What do you want to say to me?” I cut to the chase. If all she wants is sympathy from me, then she’s going to be sorely disappointed.

  “You know I tried to kill myself?” she asks.

  “Yes,” I respond in a flat tone.

  “Do you know why?”

  “No, but I have a feeling you want to tell me.”

  Her mom moves forward, and clutches Lindsey’s hand. I see the encouragement she’s giving her, and I try and dial back my anger.

  “I’ve loved him ever since I can remember. When you two broke up, and he came to me, I thought it was finally my chance to be with him. But he only really wanted me for sex, and he was still hung up on you.”

  Reece’s hands tense on my shoulders. He quickly eases off when I tense reactively. He’s angry, and he has every reason to be. “Okay,” I respond, encouraging her to continue.

  “He was so rough with me. Whenever we had sex, he wasn’t gentle, or loving. He would hurt me, and when I’d tell him, he’d laugh. So I tried being more like you, but he’d get even rougher.” I draw my brows together and fidget in the seat. “But I still loved him. Then when he told me about the pictures, he made out like you cheated on him, and you’d done something wrong. He told me you’d always been a bitch about me to him, which drove the envy I had even further.”

  “You were working on information he told you, instead of asking me yourself.”

  “Yes.” She looks at me, her eyes brimming with tears, and looks back down at her hands twisting together. “The more he told me, the more I wanted you to pay for treating him badly and bitching about me.”

  “And that’s why you were so horrible to me? To Sophie?” She nods her head. Her mom is crying quietly and Lindsey is crying too. “Was the end result worth it, Lindsey?”

  “If I could go back in time, and make everything right, I would.”

  I nod my head. “I don’t know why, but I actually believe you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Dakota. What you’ve been through, I can’t ever imagine.”

  “Why did you hurt yourself?” I ask.

  “Because I can’t live with everything I’ve said and done. And the way he treated me, he was beyond brutal. He told me he liked it rough, I thought he meant hair pulling and stuff like that. But when he said he liked it rough, I never in a million years thought he meant that rough.”

  I sit for a moment and let Lindsey and her mom cry. It must be difficult to hear this from your daughter, and not want to go and find him and rip his damn head off. But that was Lindsey’s choice to make. She could have left him, instead of letting him treat her like that. “By staying with him while he treated you so poorly, you were telling him you weren’t worth anything more than being his fuck buddy,” I say.

  Her mom’s eyes widen at my blunt words, but Lindsey nods in agreement. “I know. Dakota, I can never apologize enough. And I hope one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  Lindsey’s crime was her inability to see the truth. She allowed him to abuse her, enabling him, giving him permission to continue. Willingly giving him her power. He took mine away the moment he decided to drug and rape me.

  He, in turn, brainwashed her to think what they had was normal.

  My heart hurts for Lindsey, because her road will be difficult too. She’s going to need help to overcome this, and I’m not going to be the cause of her not moving forward.

  I stand and take Reece’s hand. “I forgive you, Lindsey,” I say, because I really do. “I forgive you for everything you’ve said and done to me.”

  Her face lights up and she has her Lindsey vibe back. “Thank you, Dakota. Maybe, when this is all over, we can hang out again?” There’s so much hope in her voice.

  But I look her dead in the eye and shake my head. “No,” I say with assertiveness. “We’ll never hang out again; we’ll never be friends again. I need to move on, and I pray to God you do too. I hope you get the help you need, and I really hope you find some strength in yourself. But we will never be friends again.”

  Her chin drops to her chest, her shoulders visibly shaking while she tries to control the crying. “I understand,” she finally croaks.

  “Find some peace, Lindsey.”

  Reece and I turn and leave the hospital. He slings his arm around my shoulder and kisses my temple. “God, you’re so damn strong,” he announces proudly.

  “Not yet, but one day I will be.”

  It’s freezing outside. It’s also my birthday. Sophie couldn’t be here tonight because she’s helping her mom with a cleaning job. Her mom wouldn’t hear of it, but she’s also been working really hard trying to save money so they can move out of the small apartment above the store and into a house.

  It’s been seven months since Levi was arrested, and last week I got my final blood results back. I’m happy to report, I don’t have HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease.

  Levi’s trial is set for another year, and because of the severity of what he did, and number of girls he sexually assaulted, he’s already serving time behind bars. His parents were offered bail, but the amount was so high they couldn’t raise the capital.

  I like knowing he’s behind bars, and I’m hoping he continues to stay there. The District Attorney trying his case has spoken to us and asked me to testify. It took me about four seconds to say yes, and Mom and Dad to say no. They don’t want me reliving the horror of what he did. But like I explained to them, if I don’t take a stand, who will?<
br />
  Sophie also agreed to testify, to help secure his sentence behind bars.

  It’s not because I’m strong, because trust me, I’m not. But if I can stop him from getting out and hurting anyone else, then I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure he’s there for a very long time.

  “Who’s ready for cake?” Mom asks as she stands and starts stacking the dishes on top of each other.

  “Here, I’ll do that,” Reece offers.

  “Thank you, Reece.” Mom smiles at him and lets him take the dishes into the kitchen while she sets the table for cake.

  “I’ll help too,” Taylor adds. “Can’t let Mr. and Mrs. B think you’re the only nice one,” he smacks Reece on the back of the head.

  Luckily Reece’s hands are full, or I could see a rough tussle in our near future.

  “Boys,” my father adds. “Last time you two wrestled, it cost you a new TV.”

  “Oh yeah,” they both grumble together. They’d been trying to outdo each other, one saying their kicks were high than the other. Taylor fell on his ass, his left leg going from under him, his right leg going straight through the TV.

  Taylor got Reece a job at his work and they both worked their butts off to buy another TV for Dad, and since then Dad likes them even more. He says they have good values and show responsibility.

  Life is progressing at a snail’s pace. I still see Tara, though not as intensively. I see her once a week, but when I have bad days, I call her myself and book in an appointment. Those days are rare but I doubt they’ll ever completely disappear. I push past them, and thanks to my family, Reece, and Sophie, I get through it.

  “Happy birthday to you.” Mom brings out my birthday cake, starting off the singing celebration.

  She sets it down in front of me, and when everyone’s done singing I blow out the seventeen candles on top.

  “Do you ever wonder, when a person blows out the candles, how much of their spit ends up on the cake? Yet, we happily eat it,” Sam pipes up.

  “Oh yuck,” we all moan.

  Dad scrunches up his napkin and pegs it at her head. “Really, Samantha?” he teases her. “Where is your mind? Or at least the filter to not say everything that pops into your head?”

  Sam beams at Dad and lifts her shoulders. “I’m still going to eat it,” she says happily.

  Mom cuts up the cake and gives each of us a slice.

  When we finish eating, Taylor hands me an envelope. “Happy birthday,” he says. Opening it up, there’s a gift card for Hollister’s.

  “Thank you, Taylor, that’s great.”

  “Here you go, big sister.” Sam hands me a small box. “There’s no card. I couldn’t be bothered getting you one.”

  Smiling, I roll my eyes at her. “Thanks.” I open the box and it’s a silver bracelet with a plaque. The engraved plaque says, ‘Sisters forever.’ “Oh my God!” I jump up and go give her a hug. “Thank you, it’s so beautiful. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too,” she echoes my words.

  When I let her go, Sam helps me put it on. I jiggle it around a bit, letting the overhead light catch the sparkle. “It’s so pretty,” I say happily.

  When I sit down Reece hands me a long dark green box. “Happy birthday, doll.”

  I open it up and there’s a gorgeous silver chain inside it. “Oh wow,” I say. “That’s gorgeous! Will you put it on me?” I ask.

  “Not yet. Later.” He winks at me, and now I’m suspicious of him. He nervously shifts in his seat and looks at Mom and Dad. I’m watching him though, because I know he’s up to something.

  “Now it’s our turn.” Dad gets off his chair, and heads over to where Mom is. He drapes his arm over her shoulder, and she shifts in her seat to get something out of her pocket. Mom’s got the biggest smile on her face as she hands me a small box.

  “What’s this?” I shake the box but nothing sounds inside of it.

  “Open it,” Dad encourages me.

  I open the box and there’s a key inside. “It’s a key? I already have a house key, but it’s pretty? Thank you.” Am I missing something?

  “It’s not a house key, Dakota. It’s a key to your new car.”

  All the blood drains from my face, while I blink crazily at Mom and Dad. “You bought me a car?”

  “Don’t get too excited. It’s not new and flashy, but it is reliable. We’re picking it up next week. You need to learn to drive, and to become more independent. This is our present to you.”

  I look down at the key in the palm of my hand, turning it over and over. “You’re giving me my independence. You’re telling me I’ll be okay.”

  Mom cries, and Dad nods.

  “Thank you. I’m not sure I would have been able to survive these past few months if it wasn’t for all of you. My life was turned upside down, and not once did you doubt or even question me. I really don’t know how I could’ve gone through it all without your support.” I close my hand around the key. “This is so much more than just a key.”

  Mom nods, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “We’ll always be here for you and your sister. You both have our unwavering love and support,” Dad says.

  I look around the table, Sam is crying, Taylor’s wiping a tear away, too. “You crying, Taylor?”

  “Nah, man, it’s my damned allergies.”

  “The ones you never had until now?” Sam lightly punches him in the arm.

  “Yeah, they only play up every now and then. Can’t help it.”

  Mom starts clearing the table, and everyone moves away, clearly affected.

  I turn to Reece, who’s staring at me. “Grab your coat and scarf, Dakota. Let’s go sit out back for a while.”

  “It’s cold.”

  “So what? You’ll be warm.” He stands and grabs his coat, and I go to my room to get mine too.

  We meet by the back slider and head out to sit near the pool. It’s cold, really cold. We don’t get snow here but this year’s winter has seen the threat of it for the first time since I can remember. “I have another present for you,” Reece says.

  “Yeah? The necklace is more than enough. You really shouldn’t have.”

  “Dakota, since I was nine years old, I’ve loved you. And every year that passes I fall more and more in love with you.”

  Oh . . . wow. My heart melts at his words. “Reece,” I whisper.

  He takes a small pouch out of his pocket and hands it to me. I open it and out slides a gorgeous silver bottle-shaped pendant with a brilliant green emerald cut into the shape of a heart in the center of it. “My heart belongs to you. Keep it close, because it only beats for the love of my life. I’m more in love with you now than I was when I was nine.”

  “Reece.” I choke up, my throat dries, and I’m fighting back tears.

  “When you’re ready, I want you to know I’ll be waiting. Never give my heart back, because it’ll only ever belong to you.”

  I turn to Reece, move forward and cup his cheeks. I lean in and brush my lips slowly, carefully, across his.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  Tonight a silent promise is made.

  My heart already belongs to Reece, and when I’m ready, my body will too.

  Statistics quoted are accurate as at June 2016 from RAINN—Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

  Hotline US ~ 800.656.HOPE (4673)

  Hotline AUS ~ 1800 737 732

  Hotline UK ~ adults: 0844 847 7879

  ~ under 18s: 0808 802 0808

  Stay tuned to read the prologue of New York Times Bestselling YA Book, Ugly.

  It’s days like today I wish I was dead.

  “Lily Anderson, you get your ugly ass out here right this minute. Don’t make me come after you,” Daddy screams.

  He’s so angry. I knew the moment I heard him come home from work I was in for it. I was in my bedroom, lying on the floor trying to do my math. He slammed the front door so hard the windows in my room shook.

  And then I knew,
I knew I was in for it.

  “Lily Anderson!” he yells again.

  As soon as I heard him yell I ran to my hiding spot. I’m inside the closet in the hallway, wedged as far into the corner as I can get. Mom’s old coat hangs in front of me and I can still smell a faint waft of the perfume she used to wear.

  “Lily Anderson!” he shouts. I can hear the anger in his voice and I can already feel the pain he’s going to inflict on me when he opens the closet door. I know what’s coming.

  I close my eyes tight, scrunching them up so no light can seep through. I put my hands over my ears so I can’t hear him.

  “I swear to God; if I have to find you, you will not sit for a month.”

  My knees are folded into my chest. I’m trying to make myself small, invisible, so he forgets I’m here. I’m rocking myself, trying to block out what he’s saying.

  School is safe. School is safe. School is safe. I keep repeating the mantra because in a few short hours I’ll be back at school. Maybe tomorrow I can go to the library after school, stay there until it closes and then sneak in after Dad’s passed out, because he’s had too much to drink.

  It was never like this before.

  I’m twelve years old and I can remember when Mom, Dad, and I were all happy. But that was years ago. It’s been a long time since there’s been any happiness in this house.

  Well, before Mom died, and not a day since.

  Mom died when I was nine. I don’t remember much about her, except I remember her telling me how ugly I am. How life would be better if I were taken away from them. How I’ll never be anything, because I’m stupid and ugly.

  Sometimes I dream happy things. Like me, Mom, Dad and a little blond-haired boy all going for a picnic. The sun beamed down on us as we played outside and laughed. We’d eat yummy sandwiches Mom made for us, and we’d drink homemade lemonade. We’d spend hours outside, laughing and talking and just having fun. Mom would tell me how pretty I am, and how much she loved me. She would play with my hair, braid it, and then we’d go and pick bright flowers to take home and put in a vase. Dad would smile and call us “his girls”, always kissing Mom and hugging me. Dad would put the little boy on his shoulders and run around the park, trying to catch the clouds.