He's Got to Go

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  “Who?”

  “The wife.”

  “It didn’t seem like it at the time.” Portia’s tone was dismissive. “But how could she not? It’s sad, isn’t it, that if she does she’s still happy to play the dutiful wife and mother.”

  That’s because I am a dutiful wife and mother, screamed Nessa silently. And there’s no reason for me not to be. You’re not the person I thought you were. I made a mistake. And you’re certainly not talking about my husband!

  “What would you do?” asked Terri. “If your husband cheated on you?”

  “Mitch cheated on me and I drank about a hundred vodkas with Red Bull,” said Portia. “Hardly the best thing to do.”

  “But helpful.”

  “Helpful enough,” said Portia. “At least it gave me the courage to laugh at him.”

  Mitch, thought Nessa frantically. Christ, it is the same Portia.

  “They all need to be laughed at,” said Terri. “Shower of shits, the lot of them.”

  “Yeah.” Portia didn’t entirely sound convinced.

  “He was a jerk anyway,” said Terri loyally.

  “Stop trying to jolly me out of it.” Portia sounded irritated. “It’s over. I know it’s over, he knows it’s over. Just let me wallow in the misery at having split up with yet another boyfriend.”

  “I don’t know why you should feel miserable about that,” said Terri mischievously. “Variety is the spice of life and all that sort of thing.”

  “Yes, but I don’t necessarily want it to be!”

  “You didn’t want to split up with Derek last year either but it was all for the best, wasn’t it?”

  “I suppose so.”

  “And this is too. Come on, Portia, you’re miles too good for him.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so.”

  “Same as that bloke’s wife is miles too good for him too?”

  “Poor woman.” Terri’s voice was suddenly sympathetic.

  “She seemed so nice. Laughing and joking with me,” said Portia. “And she wasn’t angry with him for smashing up the car or anything. Maybe she puts up with it for the sake of her daughter. For the lifestyle too. She has a lovely daughter. And those houses can’t come cheap.”

  Nessa felt as though her head would explode. She was lying in a sauna listening to a woman telling her that she was only staying with Adam for the sake of her daughter and because she had a nice house. But she wasn’t. She was staying with Adam because she loved him and was married to him and because she believed, she really and truly believed, that he felt the same way. And he just couldn’t be the person that Portia was talking about because Adam would never kiss someone in public. Not the way that she was describing. Adam was self-conscious like that. He didn’t even like holding hands in public. He certainly wouldn’t—Nessa shuddered—shove his tongue down someone’s throat. Especially not if he was having an affair! He’d be far too discreet to do that if he was having an affair. Adam wasn’t having an affair. Somehow she was getting everything mixed up. So this girl was going out with someone called Mitch. It didn’t have to be the Mitchell Ward she knew. And her name was Portia. It was an unusual name, certainly, but not as unusual as it once was. She’d mentioned an incident with a car. She said that the man who stuck his tongue down women’s throats had smashed his car. Adam hadn’t smashed the car. He’d barely dented it. She wondered if she was going to throw up.

  “Come on, Terri,” said Portia. “I’m warm enough. Let’s hop in the plunge pool and head off.”

  “OK.”

  Nessa heard the other girl pick up her towel and slide her feet into her flip-flops. The door of the sauna opened, allowing a cool draft of air to lower the temperature a little.

  She lay there for a few minutes, unable to move. It was as though someone had thrown a lead weight over her. Her breath came in short gasps and her head spun alarmingly. She was afraid that if she tried to sit up she’d faint.

  I’d know, she told herself. I’d know if he was seeing someone else. I really would. It’d be impossible not to know. There’d be giveaway things, like him rushing to pick up the phone or having to go out late to work or coming home reeking of perfume.

  He never rushed to pick up the phone. But, she thought, he had a mobile. He worked late sometimes, even occasionally at weekends, but he’d always done that. It was part of his job. She bit her lip hard. Maybe he’d had affairs ever since they were married. Maybe he never worked late at all. She shook her head. She’d often phoned him in the office. Often. And he was there, just as he said. Unless, of course, he was having it off with one of the girls from the company. She traced her finger across her bottom lip which had started to swell from the force of her teeth. He never came home reeking of perfume though. Never. She’d have remembered that. So it couldn’t be an affair. It absolutely couldn’t.

  Even if Adam had kissed another woman (she shivered again at the thought) it might have simply been a platonic sort of kiss, not at all the type of kiss that Portia had described. The girl was probably exaggerating. She’d sort it out. Somehow those girls had got it all mixed up and given her the most momentous fright. But it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. She’d definitely have guessed.

  Besides, she thought, as she eventually pushed open the door of the sauna and stepped outside, her horoscope hadn’t said anything remotely like this. No upheavals, no disasters, nothing about being deceived. A quiet week, it had said, for recharging batteries. It wouldn’t have let her take this blow without warning. Out of nowhere.

  She couldn’t remember having a shower although she knew that she must have. She couldn’t remember drying her hair or smoothing her anti-aging cream into her skin. She couldn’t remember getting into the car and driving home. She forgot about her appointment with the hairdresser. She sat at the kitchen table, where not that long ago she’d sat with Portia and with Jill after Adam had pranged the car, and she tried to think of how she might have got things wrong. Only it was difficult. Portia had been so clear.

  She got up from the table and picked up The Year Ahead for Cancerians. She turned to her page for the day. She’d glanced at it already this morning and it hadn’t said anything awful which was why she was so sure that she’d got the wrong end of the stick.

  “Positive planetary activity has you in an equally positive frame of mind,” it said. “Unseen hands are helping you. Move swiftly. It’s time to make the decisions you’ve been avoiding until now.”

  Nothing awful. Nothing. She was in a positive frame of mind. Certainly she’d been feeling very positive when she set off for the gym. And she remembered the bit about making decisions. She’d thought it was the decision to go to the gym. She’d been putting that off for weeks!

  She exhaled slowly. There was no point in getting into a state about things. Not yet. Not until she’d worked out what was really going on. If anything. There couldn’t be anything. Could there? Really?

  She reached out for the phone and dialed Adam’s number. She listened to the ringing tone for a moment then hung up. What could she say to him? Is it true that you’re having an affair? Oh, hi, Adam. Listen, just wanted to check—are you being unfaithful to me? When you said that you were out with Mike or Liam or Tim or Jeff, is there any chance that you were actually sitting in a bar with your tongue down someone’s throat? She couldn’t talk to him. Couldn’t speak to him. She needed to see him face to face. Reassure herself that everything was all right. Everything was all right. She knew it was. It had to be.

  She leaned her head on the kitchen table. Calm. She needed to be calm.

  Later, she sat bolt upright and looked at the kitchen clock. It was four o’clock. Jill’s camp ended at four. Her daughter would be waiting for her, worrying about her, fretting that she’d forgotten about her on her last day. Nessa grabbed her bag and her car keys, ran her fingers through her badly dried hair and rushed out of the house.

  “What happened to you?” Jill’s eyes were accusing. The teacher d
idn’t look too happy at having to wait either.

  “I’m terribly, terribly sorry,” said Nessa. “Something cropped up and I couldn’t—”

  “Children must be collected by four o’clock, Mrs. Riley,” said the teacher.

  “I know. I know,” said Nessa. “And I really do apologize.” She smiled faintly. “Just as well that it’s the last day. I wouldn’t want her victimized because of me.”

  “We would never dream of victimizing children!” The teacher sounded shocked.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” Nessa knew that she was babbling. “I just—I thought—look, come on, Jill, time to go.” She took hold of her daughter’s arm and steered her toward the car.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Jill.

  “Nothing.” Nessa started the car and stalled the engine.

  “There must be something wrong.”

  “There isn’t,” said Nessa.

  “You were late,” said Jill.

  “I said I’m sorry.”

  “But you’re never late.”

  “Well, I was today.” Nessa realized that she’d snapped at Jill and turned to look at her. Her daughter was staring straight ahead. “I’m sorry,” said Nessa. “I got delayed and I was worried that I was late and that’s all that’s the matter.”

  “Are you sure?” asked Jill.

  “Sure, I’m sure.” Nessa smiled at her as she turned onto the coast road and pulled down the visor as the afternoon sun blazed straight into her eyes. She drove faster than usual while all the time telling herself to slow down because Jill was in the car and even though she wouldn’t care if she crashed herself she certainly wasn’t going to have an accident with her daughter. But it was hard to concentrate on the road ahead, hard to listen to Jill’s excited chatter about her day and to answer as though she’d really heard what the little girl said.

  She swung the car into the driveway.

  “Mum!” Jill cried out in fright as Nessa scraped against the gate which wasn’t properly open. “You’ve pranged the car!”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Nessa unbuckled her seat belt.

  “But—but—you never prang the car! Dad prangs the car!”

  “Just for once I thought I’d copy your father,” said Nessa shakily.

  “But Auntie Bree can’t fix your car. It’s not her make.” Jill scrambled from her seat, opened the door and surveyed the ugly gash on the passenger side.

  “I’ll fix it,” Nessa told her. “It only needs a lick of paint.”

  “But why?” asked Jill. “Why did you do it?”

  “Because I wasn’t thinking properly,” said Nessa. “And that’ll teach you to think properly yourself.”

  Jill stared at her. “And you were late as well,” she said accusingly. “Are you having the change of life?”

  “What?” Nessa was startled out of her anguish.

  “Dorothy’s mum is having it,” Jill explained. “She goes all hot and cranky. It happens when you get old.”

  “Thanks,” said Nessa. “I didn’t realize I was that old.”

  Jill shrugged. “Dorothy said that her mother does stupid things but her father says it’s because of the change.”

  “I’m not having a change of life,” said Nessa. She bit her lip as she opened the hall door. “At least, not that sort.”

  10

  Saturn in Aries

  Determined and strong, especially

  in difficult circumstances.

  Cate opened her bedside locker and took out the pregnancy testing kit. She’d had it for nearly two weeks, since the day after her engagement celebration with her sisters when the horrible thought had struck her and she’d rushed out to buy it. When she got home she changed her mind about using it, feeling suddenly convinced that she couldn’t possibly be pregnant and that her missed period was entirely down to the fact that she’d been so stressed at work. Knowing that they’d got the order for the new HiSpeed shoe and that sales figures were going up again, she was certain that her period would come and so she’d hidden the test in her bedside locker beneath her boxes of Tampax and Veet where she knew that Finn wouldn’t accidentally discover it. The last thing she needed was Finn questioning her about being pregnant if she wasn’t.

  Once she’d bought the test and hidden it she’d carried her tampons in her handbag every day, waiting for the moment when she’d need them. She tried to push the whole idea out of her head, knowing that worrying about it could make things worse. Nessa had told her that she often felt it was her own worrying about not getting pregnant a second time that had prevented it. The doctors had advised her not to think about it, to be more relaxed. It would happen of its own accord, they’d told her.

  Only it hadn’t. For the first time ever Cate wondered how Nessa really felt about her inability to have a second child. Had there been days, she asked herself, when Nessa prayed just as hard that she was pregnant as she, Cate, was now praying that she wasn’t? And was there a little part of Nessa which felt cheated? Jill was still an only child and nothing that Nessa had done had changed that.

  Cate slowly peeled the cellophane wrapper off the box and looked at it again. She’d come home early from work so that she could do the test when she knew that Finn had a meeting with the TV producer and wouldn’t be around to find her. But she was still reluctant to do it. The longer she remained uncertain the longer she could be herself. If she did the test and it was positive then she would become someone different. Right now, as far as she was concerned, she wasn’t pregnant. Right now that possibility was still something remote. But once she did the test then it wasn’t a possibility anymore. Then it would be a fact. Could be a fact, she reminded herself sternly. She’d actually skipped a period once before and she hadn’t been pregnant then so she didn’t have to be this time.

  I don’t want a baby, she whispered as she threw the cellophane into the bin and then retrieved it in case Finn saw it and wondered what it was from. I’m not ready for a baby yet. I don’t have any maternal feelings. My biological clock hasn’t started sounding alarm bells. And my relationship certainly wouldn’t be helped by having a child. The last thing Finn and I need right now is a child. Besides, I don’t want the pain and the tests and all of the things that go with being pregnant. I’m definitely not ready for that. Finn isn’t ready either. He’s too caught up in his career and he’s right to be caught up in his career. If we had a child now he’d be one of those fathers who, in years to come, would regret that they didn’t have time to spend with their kids. She laughed shortly. Maybe he’d be interviewed with his second wife, his young wife, just pregnant with their first child and he’d say that he hoped he’d be around more for this one because he’d been too busy the first time. That was the standard second family interview, wasn’t it?

  She shivered. Why was she even thinking about him with a second wife? She was going to marry him and she was going to be his only wife and everything was going to be fine. They’d have kids but not yet. They’d talked about it before in a very general way. He believed that you had to establish yourself before you brought anyone else into the world. That you had to have done at least some of the things that you really, really wanted to do. Otherwise you’d resent them afterward for holding you back. You’d be the sort of parent who yelled at your kid with words like “after all I’ve done for you” while remembering all the things you’d given up just so that you could be there when they needed you. You had to be ready for kids, Finn had told Cate. And then he’d laughed and wondered would he ever be ready. Would he ever get to do all the things he really, really wanted to do.

  She opened the package and took out the instructions. He was so close. So very close to doing the thing he wanted to do most. Having a baby wouldn’t stop him. But it would cramp his style. And she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would resent it. And her. Which would make her resent it too.

  She rubbed the bridge of her nose. Nessa would think that these were selfish thoughts. Nessa would think that Cat
e didn’t want a baby because it didn’t fit in with her lifestyle. And it was perfectly true. A baby couldn’t fit in with a cool, modern apartment on the coast. A baby couldn’t fit in with people who worked twelve hours a day. A baby needed time and attention but she and Finn didn’t have the time and attention to give it. What would be the point in them having a baby that didn’t fit in with their lifestyle? They weren’t ready to change. They’d worked hard to get where they were. They didn’t want to give it all up now for a baby they weren’t ready for. If she was pregnant, people would expect her to be pleased. And, even if she wasn’t, they’d expect her to become pleased. But she wouldn’t be pleased. Maybe most people would think that being Cate Driscoll and being pregnant by mistake wouldn’t be as awful as being an unmarried sixteen-year-old with an unplanned pregnancy. But why wouldn’t it? As far as she was concerned, it would be just as awful. Bringing someone into the world when you didn’t want them was awful no matter who you were.

  She smoothed the instruction sheet and stared at the print but it was blurred and hard to read through the tears that had suddenly filled her eyes.

  “I’m not pregnant,” she said out loud as she stood up and took the kit to the bathroom. “I’m not.”

  She’d thought it would take longer. Even though the test had said that she only had to wait a couple of minutes for the blue line to appear she never dreamed it would be so quick. It seemed to her that one second she wasn’t pregnant and the next second she was and there was no time in between while she was simply thinking about it. And it wasn’t as though it looked uncertain or unclear. It was the most definite blue line she’d ever seen in her life. She put her hand onto her stomach and started to cry.

  Nessa felt as though she was outside of herself. She could see herself doing the things that she normally did—tidying up Jill’s room, unpegging the clothes from the line, pulling up a few desultory weeds from the flower bed in the back garden—but it was as though a different person was moving through the house, another Nessa walking through the garden. She was still operating on autopilot, suddenly finding herself in the bathroom without remembering even having come up the stairs, or standing at the sink without knowing why. And all the while nothing could rid her head of the thought of Adam and the unknown woman and his tongue down her throat.