He's Got to Go

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  “We all need space,” snapped Bree. “Most of us are a bit more considerate about the way we get it. Cate and I didn’t sleep a wink last night!”

  “I didn’t mean to worry you,” said Nessa.

  “Didn’t you?” demanded Bree. “What did you think taking off like that would do? Make us jump for joy?”

  “I was upset,” said Nessa.

  “I know you were upset,” said Bree. “Now we’re all upset.”

  “Bree, I’m sorry,” said Nessa. “I really am. It was just—it all got too much for me, you know? The idea that he—I couldn’t stay there. I needed to get away.”

  “And where are you now?”

  “Up the coast,” Nessa told her. “I don’t know exactly where.”

  “Great,” said Bree. “So what’s your plan now?”

  “I don’t have one yet,” said Nessa.

  Cate reached out and took the phone from Bree.

  “Hi,” she said. “Are you all right?”

  “Yes,” replied Nessa. “I’m fine.”

  “You scared us,” said Cate.

  “I know. I didn’t mean to.”

  “It’s the first time you’ve ever done anything like that,” Cate told her. “If it had been Bree we wouldn’t have panicked so much.”

  “Am I so bloody predictable that when I do something a little bit different everyone panics?” asked Nessa bitterly.

  “Of course not,” said Cate. “But you’ve got to admit that when anyone disappears without a word people tend to panic.”

  “I didn’t mean to.” Nessa was tired. “I just wanted to think.”

  “And have you?” asked Cate.

  “Nothing sensible,” answered Nessa. “It seems like I’m in a mudbath or something right now. I can’t seem to function.”

  “Take some time,” said Cate gently. “Don’t rush back. Stay wherever you are if you need to.”

  “I have to get back,” said Nessa. “I have the car and you’re pregnant and stuck in the middle of nowhere.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Cate told her. “We’re fine.”

  “Oh, Cate.” Nessa’s voice broke. “I could have taken it if he’d been having an affair. It’s almost obligatory that husbands have affairs these days isn’t it? But doing what he’s doing? It makes me feel so—so insignificant.”

  “You’re not insignificant,” said Cate. “You’re a decent woman and a good mother and don’t you dare think anything else.”

  “Thanks,” said Nessa wryly.

  “You do whatever you need to today,” said Cate. “We’ll see you when we see you.”

  “OK,” said Nessa. “Thanks, Cate.”

  “You’re welcome,” said Cate, and ended the call.

  Bree stared at her. “You didn’t give her much of a hard time,” she said accusingly. “After what she did to us.”

  “Come on, Bree,” said Cate. “She’s having a hard time already. And she feels guilty about haring off and not saying anything. What’s the point in making her feel worse?”

  Bree sighed. “I suppose you’re right,” she said. “But I never realized before what a nice person you are, Catey.”

  “Well, thank you!” Cate grinned at her. “It’s good to be appreciated. And you can show your appreciation by peeling some fruit. I haven’t eaten anything since those damned tortilla chips last night and now me and my baby are both starving!”

  Nessa was starving too. She realized that it was ages since she’d eaten and that suddenly she was very hungry indeed and she wanted some breakfast.

  She wondered, as she got dressed in her crumpled top and trousers, exactly how expensive her night in this hotel would be. She doubted very much that breakfast would be included in the price. Then she laughed dryly because it didn’t really matter since Adam paid all the credit card bills. So she clipped her hair back from her face and went downstairs to see what she could find to eat.

  The dining room was bright and airy, with glass doors opening onto a canopied terrace which, in turn, led onto beautifully maintained gardens. Beyond the gardens, the sun danced on the azure blue water of the sea. Nessa had never had breakfast in such elegant surroundings before.

  She sat down at a table and ordered coffee. The waitress gestured to her to help herself to the expansive buffet which was laid out at the far end of the room. Soon Nessa was piling her plate with ham, cheese, tomatoes, cold tortilla and freshly baked bread. She also helped herself to some fruit and yogurt. As she sat back at her table, the man who had plucked her out of the sea and his wife, plus two adorable twin sons, walked into the dining room. At first she wasn’t certain that it was him, then he smiled at her and came over to the table.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “My face is sore where you slapped me,” she told him.

  “I am sorry. I thought you might drown both of us.”

  “I’m sorry too,” she said. “I didn’t mean to swim out so far and I didn’t mean to nearly drown.”

  “And it is all right?” he asked. “What you were upset about?”

  She smiled at him. “It will be. Thank you.”

  He smiled in return. “My wife was worried about you. She wanted to check on you earlier but I thought you might be sleeping.”

  “I had a wonderful sleep,” she said, although she’d really only dropped off as the eastern sky had started to lighten. “But thank your wife for her concern.” She glanced at the woman and smiled at her. “Your children are beautiful,” she told him.

  “Yes,” he said. “They are the most important people in our lives. I think once you have children nothing else is so important.”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “You have children?”

  “A daughter,” she told him. “And you are right. She’s the most important person in my life.”

  He smiled at her again. Then he told her to enjoy her breakfast and went back to his family.

  After breakfast she went back to her room and combed her hair with the complimentary comb. She rubbed complimentary body cream on her face and blew her nose in a complimentary tissue. Then she went to reception to check out. The receptionist was different to the one who’d been there the previous night. She nodded briefly at Nessa as she handed her the credit card slip to sign—Nessa was pleased to see that her one night’s stay had been delightfully expensive and that breakfast had been extra. She walked down the steps of the hotel and toward her car. But she diverted to the beach once again and stood there, looking out to sea, wondering if she would have drowned. Then she shook her head. She wouldn’t. She was a survivor. Survivors didn’t give in that easily.

  She walked along the seafront and into a shop where she used her credit card to buy a new set of wispy underwear. She also bought a multicolored sarong, a shocking pink swimsuit and a beach towel. She withdrew some cash on her card and then bought sunscreen, a pair of inexpensive sunglasses and half a dozen English magazines in the shop next door. She went back to the beach and stretched her towel on the sand. She changed into the swimsuit, smeared herself with sunscreen and opened the magazines on the horoscope pages.

  “Seize opportunities that come your way. Changes of plans might seem alarming but will bring positive experiences. A new relationship will be very influential in your future. Avoid entering into legal arguments. Believe in yourself. A change of career might mean a move.”

  She read through each one. She wanted someone to tell her what she should do, she wanted a clear-cut answer in her horoscope. But she knew that she wouldn’t find one. Horoscopes were never clear-cut. Except, perhaps, that one telling her not to get into a legal argument. Did that mean she should stay with Adam? Because if she broke up their marriage there would definitely be a legal argument. More than one, she guessed. And yet they told her to believe in herself, that change could be positive, that there were opportunities coming her way. If she stayed with Adam and lived the way she’d been living for the last ten years, would she even recognize an opportunit
y when she saw it?

  When she’d been younger and faced with difficult decisions she’d always made a list of the pros and cons. She made a mental list now. On the pro side she put the fact that they had a good marriage. (Well, she told herself, if she didn’t rock the boat it was good, wasn’t it?) She had a nice house. (Portia would be pleased to know that she did think it was important.) She didn’t lack for anything. (At least, not materially.) And Jill was happy. Jill’s happiness was very, very important. On the con side she looked at the fact that her husband was being unfaithful with at least two women. That she would never be able to trust him again. That she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to sleep with him again. That she didn’t love him anymore.

  As she realized that she didn’t love Adam anymore she stopped making a list. She thought about him for a moment and felt the rage and hurt of betrayal. But she didn’t feel love. She knew that the love they’d had was gone. And that it was never going to come back.

  Bree and Cate were both on the verandah when she arrived back at the villa that evening. She got out of the car and looked sheepishly at them.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “Hello, Nessa.” Bree looked at her angrily for a moment then rushed forward and hugged her. “Never, ever do that again!” she said. “You frightened me to death.”

  “I’m really sorry.” Nessa looked over her head at Cate. “Honestly I am.”

  “It’s OK,” said Cate. “We had a very relaxing day sitting in the sun and listening to Bree’s rock and roll CD selection.”

  “Glad I wasn’t here for that,” said Nessa shakily.

  “Are you OK?” Bree released her. “What do you do last night? What happened?”

  Nessa had already decided not to say anything about her late-night swim and rescue. She was afraid that Cate and Bree would misunderstand. So she simply told them that she’d driven for a couple of hours and eventually booked herself into a hotel for the night.

  “Actually I thought you might have found a bloke,” said Cate. “Had a fling with him for revenge.”

  “Give me a break.” Nessa’s laugh was stronger though still shaky. “The coast is swarming with thin, long-limbed sex bombs. I don’t think that I’m top of anyone’s list for a fling.”

  “So you just spent the night on your own?” asked Bree.

  Nessa nodded. “Did a bit of thinking, you know.”

  “And?” Cate looked at her inquiringly.

  “Did you come to a decision about Adam?” asked Bree.

  “I’m not sure,” said Nessa.

  “You don’t have to make any decisions,” said Cate. “Not now anyway. Wait till you go home. Talk to him.”

  “Talk to him?” Nessa looked bitter. “I don’t want to talk to him, Cate. He’ll lie to me like he always has.”

  “So do you want to talk about it with us now?” asked Cate. “Or do you want to forget him for the rest of the holiday?”

  Nessa pulled up a chair and poured herself a glass of water from the bottle on the table.

  “I know I have to face up to it,” she said. “But my head’s been spinning around in circles. If I leave him—or throw him out—whatever, then we’ll probably have to sell the house and Jill and I are on our own, and no matter what people say, it isn’t easy being a single mother. That’s assuming he doesn’t try to fight for custody of Jill, of course.”

  Bree looked at her skeptically. “Him? Fight for Jill? I doubt it.”

  “You don’t know him,” said Nessa. “He does love her.”

  “Not enough to be with her every night while you’re away,” said Cate.

  “I know, I know!” cried Nessa. “And I’m not trying to get at you when I say it’s difficult for a single mother either, Cate. But I don’t have to be. I can stay with Adam until Jill’s older. I could pretend it never happened.”

  “You couldn’t, could you?” Cate looked horrified.

  “I know it seems strange to you,” said Nessa. “But wives have been doing that for years! You trade off between what you have and what you’d end up with. Portia told her friend that I was only staying with him for the lifestyle and I was so angry when I heard her say that because I thought I was staying with him because I loved him. But the alternative is so hard. Especially for Jill. If I tell her that I don’t love her father anymore, will she think that one day I might not love her either?”

  “Oh, Nessa, no, she’d never think that,” cried Bree. “She knows how much you love her.”

  “I know that I don’t love him,” said Nessa. “It’s weird. I was sitting on the beach and I thought of him and I suddenly knew that no matter what he does, it won’t hurt me because I don’t care about him. I don’t respect him. If I stay with him, it’ll be on my terms.”

  “It’s still a lot to ask,” said Cate.

  Nessa shrugged. “It’s a lot to give up too.”

  “Does the house and being married really mean that much to you?” asked Bree.

  “It used to,” said Nessa. “Now all I’m thinking about is what’s good for Jill.”

  “You being miserable with him wouldn’t be good for her,” said Cate.

  “It’s such a big step,” said Nessa. “When you read about it and see it on the movies and everything, it seems so simple. You find out your husband’s having an affair and you blow your stack. One minute you’re married, next you’re divorced. Then, amazingly, you find inner strength, lose seven pounds, start up a business and become rich beyond your wildest dreams. But life doesn’t work out like that, does it?”

  “It’d be nice if it did.” Cate sighed. “But in my case the man I love threw me out of the house and has seen nothing but improvement in his life ever since, while I moved into my sister’s flat and woke her up at the crack of dawn every day for a week with morning sickness.”

  “At least your life is simpler, Bree,” said Nessa. “OK, so your boyfriend nearly wrote you off but at least you managed to keep your heart intact, even though the rest of you was a bit bruised.”

  “Nothing to do with men is simple,” said Bree bitterly.

  “It depends on what yardstick you use to measure it, I suppose,” agreed Nessa.

  Bree and Cate exchanged glances.

  “What?” Nessa stared at them. “What’s going on that I don’t know about?”

  Cate smiled faintly. “Just because you were off having a crisis doesn’t mean we sat here and didn’t explore other issues.”

  “What on earth are you talking about?” asked Nessa. “Did Michael ring you last night, Bree? Is that it?”

  “Don’t be silly,” said Bree uncomfortably.

  “You’re in the right ballpark,” Cate told her.

  “What then?” asked Nessa again. “Oh, God, Bree, you’re not pregnant too, are you?”

  “No!” Bree looked horrified. “I never even got to sleep with Michael.”

  “Just as well,” said Cate. “Given your current state of mind.”

  “So why are you two exchanging knowing looks?”

  “Only that our baby sister is thinking of embarking on a relationship with Michael’s father,” said Cate.

  Nessa stared at Bree who flushed under her gaze. “You’re joking,” she said. “The lawyer? Declan? The man who wanted to sue you?”

  “He didn’t want to sue me,” said Bree impatiently. “And I’m not thinking of embarking on a relationship with him.”

  “So what’s all the fuss about?” demanded Nessa.

  “He said—I was talking to him a while ago and he—”

  “He asked her out,” supplied Cate.

  “No!”

  “He didn’t ask me out,” said Bree. “He just told me that he was, you know, kind of interested in me but he didn’t say anything before because of Michael.”

  Nessa’s gray eyes were wide with amazement. “And you’re thinking of it seriously?” she said. “The man’s old enough to be your father, Bree. Are you mad?”

  “I like him.” Bree looked at her de
fiantly.

  “I think it’s sick myself,” said Cate. “And I told her so last night. But she seems to want to take it a step further.”

  “But Bree, didn’t you say he had three children?” asked Nessa. “And how can you possibly go out with him when you snogged his son? That’s seriously weird.”

  “I never snogged his son,” said Bree flatly. “We never quite got around to it.”

  “Huh?” Cate looked astonished. “I can accept that you didn’t go to bed with him but don’t tell me you went out with him dozens of times and you never even kissed him?”

  “Not dozens of times,” said Bree. “Not that often actually. And, no, I never kissed him.”

  “And you think that helps?” asked Nessa.

  “I don’t bloody know!” snapped Bree. “I haven’t decided yet.”

  “We’re a right trio aren’t we?” Nessa looked at both her sisters. “Me teetering on the brink of divorce. Cate pregnant and on her own. Bree considering hopping into bed with an aging Lothario.”

  “He is not an aging Lothario,” said Bree furiously. “I wish to God I’d never said anything.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Nessa. “I was trying to lighten the mood.”

  “Don’t,” said Bree.

  They sat in silence.

  Then suddenly Nessa began to laugh. Bree and Cate looked at her in surprise.

  “I’m just remembering,” she told them. “Cate’s face when she got stuck in the mud. You and me after we pushed the car out.”

  Bree and Cate began to smile too.

  “I know that the holiday hasn’t exactly been what we planned,” said Nessa. “And I’m really sorry for my part in scaring the life out of you. But it’s been good to have you around.”

  “We’re family,” said Cate. “We’re supposed to stick together.”

  “Even in the mud,” added Bree.

  “Especially when things are muddy,” agreed Nessa.

  35

  Saturn in Leo

  Determined, organized, often arrogant.

  Adam was at the airport to greet them. Nessa saw him straightaway, looking casually handsome while Jill tugged at his hand. Nessa rushed over to her and picked her up. She held her close, breathing in her familiar scent, realizing how much she’d missed her.