The Right Song

by Shane Morgan

  Alex finishes the sentence. “You don’t love me. I figured it out last night. I guess… I wanted to believe that after you shared so much with only me that maybe somewhere in your heart, you felt the same way.” A short, harsh laugh escapes his lips before he utters, “I was wrong.”

  Sympathetic, I peer up at him. I don’t mean to cause him so much heartache. Still, there’s nothing I can do about it.

  He looks angry. Hurt. Betrayed.

  How do I fix this?

  I step forward and reach for his arm, only to stop myself before actually touching him. “I’m sorry, Alex. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but, I don’t want to give you any false hope, either.”

  Running a hand through his hair, he blurts out, “Can’t you just think about it? Maybe if we spend time together, alone, without the guys or Emma, maybe you’ll see that you and I can work.”

  I have no words. He clearly doesn’t understand that I don’t have those feelings for him. Not at all.

  Alex mistakes my silence for an opportunity to get closer to me. He angles his head to the side and edges forward for a kiss. I get a feeling of nausea that rushes over my body. He’s like my brother. I can’t stand the thought of having such an intimate moment with him; it’s not right.

  I lower my head fast and back up against the car, reaching for the door handle. “Alex, you know how I feel about Milo.”

  “I don’t give a damn about him!” he sputters through clenched teeth. “I’m talking about us. Are you sure that you feel absolutely nothing for me, besides being my friend?”

  The agony in his eyes makes me want to run like hell. I hate seeing him like this. It breaks my heart.

  I whisper, “I’m so sorry. I have to go.” Then I open the door and slip inside the car.

  My heart never anticipated hearing his next words. “I can’t be your friend now that I’ve told you how I feel. It’s too hard, Rora.”

  My hands freeze on the steering wheel. I can’t start the car. Hearing Alex tell me he no longer wants to be a part of my life crushes me. It’s like I’m losing another person I care deeply for all over again.

  It hurts so damn much.

  There’s a numbness overtaking me. It’s like a cold air blows in the window when he storms off.

  Just like that, our friendship is over? No. I don’t know how to accept that. It feels as if I’m back in my dad’s car, watching helplessly as my parents slip away from me.

  10.

  Pulling up on Wilson’s farm for the party, I shut the engine off and Emma and I sit quietly in my car for a while. I’d told her about what happened with Alex on the drive over.

  “Damn, I know I said to be honest with him, but I never thought he’d say that. I’m sure he’s just upset right now. He doesn’t mean it. Give him time to cool off.”

  I shrug. “Thought so too, but then he didn’t want to practice with us this evening.”

  “Well, maybe the guys will talk to him and bring him here so you two can work it out. I sure need to talk to Drew.”

  I turn to open the car door. “Oh Ems, you didn’t see the look on his face and the way he sounded. I’m not sure he’ll ever speak to me again.”

  We slip out of the car. Emma hooks her arm around mine as we make our way across the grassy field over to where the kids are by the barn. I’m not much of a partyer, but it’ll be good to take my mind off Alex for a while.

  There’s a bonfire going outside the red barn. It was once used as a workspace for threshing crop, until a year ago when the Wilson’s gave up on their farming business and relocated South. They haven’t gotten a sale on the property though, so kids throw parties out here now and then.

  It’s a good size crowd. Nearly half of the senior class is out tonight. Cloud Nothings’ ‘Wasted Days’ is blaring from the stereo of some guy’s truck, and fried cheese curds and beer are being quickly consumed. It’s not a Midwest party without those.

  Emma and I try to enjoy ourselves until the guys show up—a very tense looking Alex in tow.

  “Hey,” Emma says to Drew, her voice low.

  “Hey,” he replies. He gives her a quick kiss on the cheek. I watch their body language with each other and I can tell there’s tension. They’re barely talking.

  Alex glances at them then looks at me. I spin away, feeling uneasy.

  “How’s the party so far?” Chris asks, trying to lessen the strain in the atmosphere.

  I shrug. “The usual.”

  He bobs his head and helps himself to some cheese curds. We stand around, not saying much. Then a hot redhead points at us and squeals, “Hey, it’s Days End. You guys should totally do something.”

  She’s gawking at Chris in particular. He wipes his mouth with a napkin and puts down the rest of his food on the wooden table as she inches closer.

  “C’mon, it’ll be so cool since you guys are here,” she gushes, touching his arm.

  Wait, isn’t she the girlfriend of Milo’s friend, Ryan?

  “We don’t have our stuff,” I tell her. She flashes me a glare that says “who’s talking to you”.

  Nuzzling up to Alex now, she says in a flirty tone, “Well then, I guess you’re going to have to do a solo. We have a microphone with the karaoke machine inside the barn. C’mon.”

  He arches a brow and regards me as the side of his mouth curves into a sly grin. Then he says, “Actually, I have a better idea.”

  Ms. Redhead straightens in curiosity. “What?”

  Coming over to me, Alex grasps my arm. “Let’s do a debut performance by our lead guitarist.”

  My eyes expand in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?” I grunt under my breath.

  “Oh, I didn’t know she sings too,” the girl says, uninterested.

  “I didn’t know that, either,” Emma adds. Drew and Chris are giving me curious gazes.

  “Let’s hear it,” Drew prods.

  “Yeah, Law,” Emma eggs me on.

  “Let’s go then,” the redhead says, bustling over to the guy at the truck. He turns the music off as she yells, “Everyone, we have a surprise performance coming up! Let’s move inside the barn!”

  The crowd raves and does as she asks. I stay in place. There’s no way I’m singing tonight. I can’t.

  “Come on, Rora,” Alex pleads, trying to lug me inside.

  “You know I don’t sing in front of people,” I remind him.

  He scoffs. “If you sing in front of me, you can do it in front of everybody else. It’ll be fine.”

  “Yeah, I’m kind of jealous you don’t give us the same luxury,” Chris remarks. “Alex says you’re fantastic. Drew and I deserve to hear.”

  “Me too,” Emma giggles, excited. She strides up to me and pulls me away from Alex, tugging me inside the barn.

  Everyone’s waiting on me. They stand around, whispering, drinking, and getting anxious.

  “Here she is,” the redhead announces as I approach the karaoke machine.

  Emma and the cousins stand with the eager crowd. Alex comes up to me. “Just sing. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

  I narrow my eyes as I peer up at him. “I can’t believe you got me into this. I really can’t. You know I can’t do it in front of all these people.”

  “Oh c’mon already!” someone shouts. “You’re killing my vibe!”

  “Do it.” The redhead places the microphone in my hand and joins the impatient crowd.

  Alex whispers, “I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll put on a song you can sing along with.” He walks over to the karaoke machine and skims through the tracks, landing on P!nk’s ‘Try’.

  Oh. My. God. Why is he doing this? Is this his way of humiliating me for hurting him?

  The music kicks in. I hear P!nk’s opening harmonies. In no time, I’m supposed to be singing the first verse, but nothing comes out.

  Not a sound.

  My heart’s hammering inside my chest. Bile burns my throat. My hands are shaking. I feel as if I’m about to pass out.
>
  “Oh what the hell,” a guy sneers. “Sing already!”

  A hot shudder rushes through me. I look around the barn at their disappointed faces. The redhead’s recording it with her cellphone.

  Great!

  “Rora,” Alex murmurs at my side.

  I angrily turn my gaze to him. “Thanks a lot,” I hiss, shoving the microphone to his chest as I take off, out of the barn and away from the burst of laughter.

  Emma chases after me. She grabs for my elbow to slow me down. I brush her hand away, yelling, “Leave me alone!”

  She stops following me, surprised. I twirl around and continue to run through the field, getting as far as out by the train tracks where an old water tank is.

  It’s too dark to run any further. I sink down at the base of the tank and pull my knees up to my chest, panting, crying. I feel so embarrassed.

  Why couldn’t I just sing? It’s only karaoke. Gosh, I’m so lame. Why does it scare me so much to sing in public?

  My phone starts to blow up in my pocket. I pull it out to see a bunch of text messages and one missed call from Alex.

  Chris: u okay? Why’d you choke? Is it really that hard for you?

  Drew: Don’t sweat it. I couldn’t sing on the spot like that either. But I’m sure u don’t sound like a frog when you sing. I do.

  That one makes me laugh a bit.

  Emma: Please come back. u need to tell me what that was about cos there’s obviously something up with u.

  Alex: I wasn’t trying to embarrass u. u know that right? I was only trying to help.

  I don’t reply to any of them. I ignore them and slide my phone back inside my pocket. Pushing to my feet, I lean against the steel and stare out into the darkness. The sound of crickets fills the night like an orchestra. I haven’t been here during the day in a long while. I remember how beautiful it is. I should come here more often to write.

  Write. Geez. My whole life is a songbook.

  In no time I receive more texts.

  Emma: Gonna drive home with Drew. They think I should leave u alone for a while to clear ur head. Call me ltr ok.

  Emma: That was a shitty move by Alex, but I’m sure he didn’t mean to humiliate u. He looks really sorry. Call him.

  Drew: Taking off. U know my eyes are bad at nights so I can’t go looking for u. Text or call ltr to let me know ur ok.

  Chris: Look. Don’t go hooking up with some random person cos ur pissed. Trust me, u don’t want to do that.

  What? I can’t stifle the laugh that spews out of me. It’s definitely made me feel somewhat better. I release a razor-sharp breath and decide to head back to my car. As I turn to leave, I glimpse a male figure out of the corner of my eye coming from the brushes. He walks up to the tracks and shoves one hand inside his pocket, placing the other at the back of his neck.

  At first, I can’t see who it is and that makes me kind of nervous. But when he lifts his chin and looks up at the sky, the light from the post on the other side of the tracks glares faintly on his face, revealing his identity.

  Daegan Stone. I wonder what he’s doing out here.

  Slowly, I walk over to him. He hears my footsteps and swivels to see who it is.

  “Aurora? What are you doing here?”

  “I should ask you that?” I reply. “I was at a party over by the barn.”

  “Uh, the barn’s over there, why are you standing out here?” he questions, curiosity slicing through his deep, entrancing tone.

  I cross my arms at my waist. “What’s it to you?”

  He scoffs. “Nothing. Whatever.”

  Inching near enough to see his face fully, I ask in a subtle tone, “Are you okay?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  I shrug. “Well, after last night by the dumpster and seeing you out here…”

  “It’s none of your business,” he huffs. “Why the sudden interest, anyway?”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” I turn to leave.

  “Wait,” he calls after me. “I’m sorry.”

  I look back at him sideways. “It’s fine. Not everyone wants company.”

  “Actually,” he breathes out, “I do. It’s just, I’ve been alone for so long that I don’t know how to make friends.”

  I dip my head, surprised. “You want to be friends?”

  He cocks a brow. “Isn’t that what you want from me, now that you’re talking to me after all these years?”

  I feel guilty. I don’t know why I’ve never made the effort before. He’s obviously shy and it’s hard for him to reach out with the stigma that’s attached to his family.

  “I mean, you spoke to me by the soccer field, and you didn’t leave just now when you saw me here. Unless… I misunderstood?” He angles his head to one side, as if studying me.

  “I just thought you looked so lonely,” I joke. “I figure I’d let you know there’s at least one person who notices your existence.”

  Daegan lets out a short laugh that sends a wave of heat throughout my body.

  “How nice of you to notice me,” he retorts. “I feel honored.”

  He lingers his gaze on my face for a beat before turning away. “So why are you out here and not at the party? Did something happen?”

  Yeah, something happened all right.

  I shake my head. “No I was, um… I wanted to slip away from the crowd, I guess. What about you?” I ask, trying to avoid talking about it.

  “The same,” he replies. “I wanted to slip away, too.”

  From what? I want to ask, but decide not to.

  He spins his head as the train resounds in the distance, its loud treks consuming the once silent air.

  Unexpectedly, I have the thought that, what if he was here for another reason and not exactly to think. The scars on his wrist keep bugging me. I know it’s not my place, but everything about Daegan is like an exciting mystery waiting to be solved.

  He makes me want to know more.

  I think of ways to get him to open up; questions that aren’t too inappropriate. I wait for the train to pass before asking, “Are you going to study art in college? You’re pretty good.”

  “Yes,” he answers, looking at me. “What about you?”

  “Not sure where my life is going yet,” I tell him.

  Daegan appears stunned. He steps closer, his eyes never leaving me. “It’s either college or a music career for you, isn’t it?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Either choice is good. Which one are you leaning more towards?” he asks, sounding really interested.

  “A music career.”

  “That’s good. Are you going to sing?”

  “No,” I answer fast.

  His face morphs into a look of disappointment. “Why not? I’d paid to see you perform live.”

  “I’m a songwriter. I’ve already told you this.”

  He snorts. “There’s nothing wrong with being both.”

  “I don’t want to be both.”

  Silence passes between us. Daegan stares at me long and hard before lowering his gaze to the ground, kicking at the gravel.

  “I’m having trouble sketching you,” he confesses.

  “How come?” I ask, surprised.

  Peering up, he explains, “I can’t capture your genuine smile.”

  I purse my lips and fold my arms. “What do you mean? I smile all the time.”

  “Not genuinely,” he counters. “When was the last time you even laughed?”

  “I do that all the time, too,” I say in a sharp tone.

  He smirks. “Sure you do.”

  The idea of him noticing these things makes me ticklish in the tummy. That means he’s been watching me more than I thought.

  I shake off the feeling. “Anyways, what does that have to do with sketching me? Can’t you just make a serious portrait?”

  “How unappealing,” he replies. After a brief pause, he adds, “Sorry if it got you excited, but I won’t be sketching you after all.”

  “Whatever
.” I pretend as if I’m fine with it. Truth is, I was kind of looking forward to seeing his impression of me. I don’t know why. “Who was excited, anyway?”

  “Okay.” He grins, almost as if he can read me clear.

  “Well, enjoy the rest of your alone time out here. I’m going home.”

  I turn to leave. He reaches for my elbow. I feel a tingle at the nape of my neck.

  Daegan quickly moves his hand away, seeing that I winced at his touch.

  “Um, I’ll walk you to your car,” he offers. “It’s dark… and late.”

  There’s a thrill rushing through me, seeing he’s such a gentleman. “Cool,” I say evenly, trying to sound unfazed.

  My car is one of few left when I walk back. I glance over at the barn and see that only a couple of kids are still there. The music is lowered. Not much going on, aside from people making out.

  “Well, see you at school,” I tell him, climbing inside the car. I turn the keys as he moves away from the door.

  “Good night, Aurora.” He says my name so sweetly it warms my cheeks and makes my heart thud. I can’t stop the surge of unfathomable emotions I’m experiencing now.

  I back off the field fast, hurrying to get away from him. Daegan makes his way to wherever he parked his car in the dark, and I watch him in the rearview until he’s out of sight. Hopefully, these inane feelings stay behind on the farm as I make my way home.

  11.

  By the time Thursday comes around, I’m already anticipating the weekend, especially after that epic fail in the barn last night. There’ll surely be laughter to greet me today in school.

  I jump at the sound of a loud knock at my door. Aunt Leah peeks in and says, “Don’t even think about it. Get your butt out of bed and get ready for school, missy.”

  Darn it. I guess I have to face this eventually.

  Showering fast, I haul on my gray high-low top, black jeans, and put my hair up in the typical ponytail. I slip on my hoodie because it’s supposed to be chilly today, and then I stroll downstairs, knowing there’s no way I can escape another discussion about Berklee.