Our Time

by Jessica Wilde

  Sundays were spent lounging around in our pajamas watching cartoons and Disney or Pixar movies with Olivia sitting between us on his couch. Andrew worked most Tuesdays and Thursdays and other random nights of the week, but he always made time to spend with us and Olivia expected an 'Adoo kiss' hello and goodbye with many in between.

  My headaches had all but disappeared by then, which pleased me greatly. I knew I was just being paranoid.

  By the time July 1st came, Olivia had looked forward to seeing Andrew almost every day and she would clap her hands and run to him whenever he showed up or when we walked into his house. It made my heart flutter and stop at the same time. She loved him and it brightened my soul to see her so happy, but made me anxious about what the future would bring. We were in this now and I admitted to myself that it wasn't only Olivia's heart that was in danger. Mine was, too. He was funny, charming, smart, sweet… everything a woman looked for in a man. We talked about anything and everything and he made me feel like I could finally look up.

  We skirted around each other carefully, only touching to give a brief hug or when he would lead me through a door at the small of my back. There was one time that he accidently brushed my breast when he took Liv out of my arms to carry her to bed. His cheeks had been bright pink when he walked up the stairs after a quick, "Oh, sorry," and he left quickly after that.

  I couldn't help but find amusement in his insecurity about it. He always seemed like a ladies' man to me just by his easy smile and charm. Then I realized that he never went on dates and never really had anyone over to his house besides us and his sister.

  Something I decided to ponder later.

  This was the first evening we spent alone together in the several weeks we had known each other. Madison came and picked Olivia up and took her to play with Tyler's niece, Ella, who had given her heart to Olivia that first time at the zoo. She was just over 3 years old and adored Liv, constantly asking about her and begging to see her. Madison was going to be with them and her sister-in-law the whole time, so I agreed to it.

  I immediately regretted that decision when Andrew came over just as Madison walked out with Liv and said that he had 'suddenly' been given the night off. My hands started sweating and I fumbled around for the first half hour trying to figure out how to spend time with just an adult. Time with Andrew. Alone.

  Nothing romantic or even remotely close to that had ever happened, but there was always heat between us and his hello hugs had gotten longer and goodbye hugs had made my skin heat to melting point. I would catch him watching me whenever I was busy cleaning or cooking. He would catch me watching him whenever he was playing with Monty or just watching TV. Neither one of us spoke about it, but both of us felt it.

  Even with all the time we had spent together and all the tension that electrified the room when we were together, I had held on to the pieces of my heart, but my grip was loosening and I was getting tired of holding on.

  Andrew seemed just as nervous when he first walked in after Liv left, but must have gotten over it quickly. That, or he just hid it really well.

  "So, what do you want to do?" he asked with a grin.

  "I have no idea."

  "Me neither."

  We both chuckled and decided to start with cookies and milk at the kitchen table.

  After three excruciating minutes of only the sound of chewing and swallowing, Andrew asked about my plans for the 4th of July.

  "I haven't really thought about it. Do they have a big parade around here?"

  "Oh yeah, I was actually planning on taking some chairs down the night before and saving a spot for you, Liv, and me. Does that sound okay?"

  I nodded and took a big bite of chocolate chip cookie and gave up a tiny piece of my heart to him.

  "Great. Then after, they have a big fair at the park with rides and booths and pretty good music. It might be pretty hot out, but we could check it out for a little while until Olivia's nap time."

  I nodded again and took a gulp of milk, giving yet another piece.

  "We could do a barbeque that night with Maddy and Ty, if you want, then go to the high school and watch the fireworks. Will Olivia like those?"

  I shrugged and struggled to hold on to what was left. He had obviously been planning a nice day for us and I was grateful we were always on his mind, that Olivia was his priority. "I'm not sure," I answered him. "She has never seen any. There is a good chance she will love them or just fall asleep by that time."

  "It's all planned then. I can't wait to see her face when she sees those fireworks for the first time. I'll have to make sure Maddy brings her camera to capture that." He was smiling and staring off into space, imagining Olivia's reaction.

  I couldn't take my eyes off of him and I watched his deep blue ones brighten when he looked at me. I thought about how much he had done for me already and how happy Olivia and I had been the last several weeks. He had slowly become an intricate part of our lives, something to look forward to, and that scared the hell out of me. Thinking of not seeing him every day was like a punch to my gut. The only problem was that he didn't know my secrets and hadn't really asked about them. I didn't really give him a chance to and hadn't really decided if I was going to just tell him or wait for him to ask, but looking at him now and seeing how much he cared about Olivia… I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping him in the dark when he was starting to mean so much to me.

  Our eyes were still locked and his smile had faded. I couldn't be completely sure, but I thought I saw his eyes shift down to my mouth for a split second. It made me consider that perhaps he was feeling similar to how I was.

  I forced myself to look away from those ocean blue orbs and studied my glass of milk for a minute. I felt like an idiot. I had made a whole speech about being nothing more than friends and now, I wanted to turn back time and slap my hand over my mouth.

  "You okay, Joss?"

  He didn't use the nickname 'Joss' for me very often, but when he did, it sent goose bumps up and down my body and a pleasant warmth in my chest.

  "Yeah," I said with a genuine smile. "Better than okay."

  He started to reach across the kitchen table and was moving toward my hand and my heart thumped wildly against my chest. When Saturday Night Fever started playing loudly from my phone on the counter, he stopped just short and I groaned in exasperation.

  "Seriously?" I said firmly to myself and stood.

  He chuckled softly, but followed me with his eyes. At least, the tingling at the back of my neck told me he did.

  I picked up the phone, "Hi Benjamin." As soon as I said it, I realized that even after all this time, Andrew had no idea who Benjamin was and his lips drooped into a frown. There was still so much he didn't know and I knew then it was time to come clean, for the most part.

  "I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks. Just wanted to check on you. Is this a bad time?"

  "Oh no, you're fine. We are doing great! Just been busy." I glanced over at Andrew and he was now studying the cookie in his hand and actually looked like he was counting the chocolate chips, trying not to listen. I wanted to somehow reassure him that Benjamin was not who he was probably thinking he was. "How are Linda and the kids?" I asked and watched Andrew's lips twitch up into a grin as his shoulders slumped in relief.

  Interesting.

  "They are really good. Linda has been desperate to talk to you. She said the last time she talked to you, you were with a friend? She has been anxious to get some details on this friend, but only if it is a man. She was very specific about that."

  "Ha! Well, tell her that as soon as I know more, I will give her a call."

  "Wait. He is with you right now, isn't he?"

  I forced myself not to look at Andrew and make him suspicious, "Yep."

  "Good. So, things are going well?"

  "Yep."

  He groaned, "Oh come on, Joss. You gotta give me something. She'll kick my ass if I don't get more than that and you know it."

  I laughed
at that because there had been many times that she had kicked his ass for not getting enough information. Poor Ben was whipped.

  "Anything, Joss. Hair color, eye color, a name… something."

  Andrew had moved to the sink and was slowly rinsing out his glass a few feet away from me and looking quite wary. My body was extremely aware of every move he made and when he turned to face me, he looked like he was deep in thought and that whatever it was, it was making him a little upset.

  "Listen Ben, you tell Linda that when you called, I was with Andrew and didn't want to talk to you about anything because you forget what I really tell you and that I thought it would be better to talk to her myself and give her all the details correctly. That should keep her out of your hair until I get the chance to call."

  "Well done. I wish you were still here. We miss you, you know?" his voice was a little shaky and I knew he was starting to regret things.

  "I know, Ben. I miss you guys, too. But don't forget that this is where I really want to be, regardless of how I ended up here. Don't fret okay?"

  He sighed and then cleared his throat of any emotion, "Okay, Joss. You be good. Let me know if you need anything okay?"

  "I will. Thanks."

  "Oh, and I am coming down there in a while for one of those boring medical conferences in Portland. I'll come visit if that's okay."

  "Sounds good."

  We said our goodbyes and I ended the call and stared down at my phone. Andrew was leaning back against the counter with his strong arms crossed over his broad chest and his gaze penetrating through the side of me. When I finally looked up and locked eyes with him, I knew that I needed to let him in. Keeping things from him would only hurt us both in the end.

  He beat me to it.

  "I know that I've never pressed you to talk about where you came from and what you left behind, and I never will. I figured it was probably a sore subject by the way you always avoided my questions." He saw that I was about to deny it, but cut me off before I could. "Don't even try and deny it, Joss. You are too obvious and you know it," he smiled. "I just hope you know that no matter what, I'll still be here. For you and for Liv." His voice was smooth and calming. I wanted him to keep speaking, saying anything, just to hear that voice a little longer.

  We stood there studying each other for a few moments while I pulled my big girl panties on and took deep breaths.

  "That was Benjamin Moore. He has been a friend since we were in junior high school. His wife, Linda, had moved to town when we were seniors and we all became best friends right away. I went to a local college after graduation and he moved out of state for school so he could become a doctor. Linda stayed with me until he came back for her the next summer and they got married, had a pair of twins 9 months later. He was like a brother to me. My parents died a year later and he was the only family I really had left."

  "I'm sorry about your parents. That must have been tough."

  I nodded, "Yeah, it was. Especially still being in the same neighborhood they had always lived in. Everyone always had something to say, so it never really went away with time. He talked me into moving to Seattle and being closer to them. Get a little distance from everything else."

  Andrew turned to face the counter and rested on his elbows. I saw the curiosity burning through his eyes, but his body language remained neutral. "I bet that was hard to leave them to come here," he said.

  "Yeah… it was at first, but it was necessary. I love them. Their kids keep them busy, though, so I'm not too worried, but if they were all that I was leaving behind, I wouldn't have moved away."

  He moved his hand on top of mine and the feel of his warm skin sent my mind into overdrive. "I know it may sound cold, but I'm glad there was more to leave. If not, I would have never met you or Olivia." We both heard a groan coming from the corner of the kitchen. "Or you Monty," Andrew chuckled.

  That made me smile but tear up at the same time. I pulled back the moisture and pulled on his hand, leading him back to the kitchen table. I sat down, but he didn't let go. Instead, he did the last thing I expected and it changed everything.

  He raised my hand to his lips and kissed it softly, making everything inside me turn gooey. The warmth of his lips on my skin was still there when he released my hand. No one had ever done that before. Kissed my hand. It was almost too much for me and it took me a few seconds to remember how to breathe let alone speak.

  "So, what else did you leave behind?" he asked, acting as if the intimate act he was just a part of was no big deal.

  I wiped the shock off my face and fortified my emotions. Just a friendly kiss on the hand. No big deal, I said to myself. But I knew better and the look on Andrew's face told me he did, too, but we both decided to just ignore it.

  "Oh, um, well… after I moved to Seattle, Ben introduced me to one of his old roommates, David Cross."

  He blinked several times, but stayed quiet and urged me to continue. "We dated and ended up married two years later. Thinking back on it now, I know I only married him because I thought that was what was expected of me. I thought I was in love with him, but David wasn't exactly the most compassionate man and I don't think I ever really got to see the real him until later. He liked to party and thought that would continue after we got married, but bills pile up so I ended up being the responsible one for a minute."

  I tried to keep eye contact with Andrew, but when his hand clenched into a fist, I had to look away. I didn't want to see his face and know what emotions were running through him.

  "About a year later, some stuff happened that forced me to stop working for a while and he said he decided it was time to start providing for me, but I know Ben chewed him out for putting me through what he did. David wasn't ambitious enough to come up with that on his own.

  "I stayed with him for a couple years, thinking that it would just take time for him to find his role in our lives. It wasn't the best marriage and he was distant most of the time, but he took care of me in his own way, I guess."

  Andrew huffed at that remark, "I don't think so." His voice was sharp and his eyes were dark. I hesitated to tell him what came next. "I'm sorry, Jocelyn. I couldn't help it."

  I started picking at a chip on the surface of the table. I remembered when that chip had happened, vividly. Ben had just found out that David had left me and punched the table as hard as he could. His ring had chipped the wood with the impact.

  "When I found out I was pregnant, everything changed." I smiled at the memory of reading that first pregnancy test. I had fallen to my knees and cried tears of joy and thanked God for sending me a child. "I was so thrilled and excited that I never considered how it might impact him. It wasn't planned, obviously, but a part of me had always hoped for one." I took a deep breath before continuing and met his eyes. They were warm when I told him how happy I had been to be pregnant. I liked them warm and happy, but I knew my next words would take that away.

  "When I told David, he just stared at me for a minute and then turned around and walked away. He was gone for two days and I was a wreck. Ben and Linda tried to come and get me and make me stay with them until someone heard from him so I wasn't alone, but I refused. The third day after he left, I got served the divorce papers."

  Andrew was still as a statue and both of his hands were clenched into fists. I didn't let him say anything, though. I had to get it all out and put it behind us. Once he knew, we could move on and forget it ever happened. There were more important things to worry about.

  "I can't really be that mad at him. He gave me Olivia. In a way, I'm grateful for him. I can't blame him for what he did either, I'm just glad that I don't have to deal with him anymore and Olivia wouldn't be as happy as she is if it were any different. He didn't want anything to do with the baby and immediately signed over all of his rights. The divorce didn't take long and I didn't ask for much and he didn't care as long as his hands were washed clean of me." My voice started to shake, but I got it under control.

  I wasn't sad about Da
vid ending our relationship. I was sad because Olivia didn't have a father at all. I thought it would be okay for her to grow up without one, but talking about all of this again made me question my previous beliefs.

  "How can you say you can't blame him for what he did? He left you because he didn't want the child that he helped create. That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard."

  I shook my head and spoke without really thinking, "No, he left me because he didn't want to be left with the responsibility of a child after--"

  I realized what I was starting to say and stopped immediately. I stood and walked to the other side of the kitchen and grasped the counter for support, unable to face him. I didn't want to get into this part. I wanted to keep doing what we were doing and not think about that.

  Andrew spoke slowly and his voice was low and calm, "After what?"

  I took deep breaths and tried to push through the shock of what I had just done. I wasn't prepared for this, yet. He wasn't prepared for this either.

  Andrew had already moved to stand behind me and was so close, his warmth radiated over my back and up my neck. I felt his breath in my hair before his hands rested on my shoulders and turned me to face him. "After what?"

  "I don't know," I breathed.

  "After what, Joss?" His hand cupped my face and I instinctively leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. He sighed loudly and his thumb traced circles across my cheek. "If you don't want to tell me, I understand."

  My eyes flicked open in surprise. He was giving me an out and I sagged with relief.

  "But I want you to know that you can trust me."

  I blinked a few times and thought about how much I did trust him already. If I didn't, I wouldn't let Olivia anywhere near him. I wouldn't think about him when I went to bed and when I woke up. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be falling in love with him.

  It was ridiculous really, to be falling in love with a man after knowing him for such a short amount of time.

  But I needed time. More time. It felt like that was what I was always asking for these days. I felt foolish after that whole speech I had given him weeks before about not expecting anything but friendship from me. He had done everything I asked for and never pushed for more and here I was wishing that he would just kiss me and force me to the next step.