Our Time

by Jessica Wilde

  I heard Olivia's muffled voice say "Mommy, okay?" then Monty started to whine.

  "Mommy." Again. Then she started crying and Monty started howling.

  Strange. He is usually pretty good in the morning, always patient to be let out. I didn't hear Jocelyn speaking to Olivia like I usually did and I waited a little longer, straining to hear everything, but Monty continued to howl and whine and Olivia continued to cry.

  Something is wrong.

  I jumped out of bed and threw on my sweats and t-shirt, grabbed the spare key and darted out the door. I still heard Monty whining but now it was downstairs and he was right at the front door scratching at it. "Hold on, boy. I'm coming." My hands were trembling. Where was Jocelyn?

  I pushed the door open and Monty went running up the stairs ahead of me. Olivia was crying harder and screaming, "Mommy! Mommy up!"

  I took the stairs two at a time and ran into Liv's room then I froze as white spots flashed in front of my eyes when I took in the scene.

  Jocelyn was lying face down in the middle of the room with a pile of towels under her. Olivia was lying on top of her with her face buried in Jocelyn's back, soaking her shirt with giant tears. Monty was lying next to her and nudging her with his nose, crying softly. My heart dropped to my stomach and forced me to move.

  "Oh my God!" I flew into the room and dropped down to Jocelyn.

  "Adoo, Adoo, Mommy! Mommy up." Liv was trying to lift Jocelyn up by her shirt and was becoming more and more frantic.

  I tilted Jocelyn's head and saw that her face was pale and she had vomited, the towels had covered up some of the vomit but she was lying on top of it with her arms underneath her.

  "Come on, baby. Open your eyes." I rolled her onto her side and made sure her mouth was clear. I checked her pulse, it was faint and slow, but she was still breathing. My hands shook and I kissed her forehead, her skin was cold and damp.

  This can't be happening.

  Monty moved in closer to Jocelyn and rested his head on her chest. My phone was still in my house and I quickly looked around the room and found her cell phone lying next to Olivia's crib. She usually let Liv play with it while she changed her diaper and got her ready for the day. I dialed 911 and lifted Liv into my arms.

  "It'll be okay, love," I whispered shakily in her little ear as she cried and squeezed my neck so tight to hold on to me."Shhh, it's okay beautiful girl. We are going to get help."

  I gave the dispatcher all the information she needed and was told to sit tight. Olivia stayed right next to me as I leaned over the love of my life and begged her to wake up.

  "Please, Joss. Baby, you gotta wake up." She didn't move, but she was still breathing and I continued to speak to her and hold Liv close. "God, what happened? It's okay, Liv. Help is coming." Why aren't they here yet? My chest started to cave in with each gasp I took making it harder to breathe and my lungs burned with the effort.

  Liv's crying seemed to have slowed as I cradled her in my arms and murmured to her. The sound of sirens drew close and I kissed Jocelyn's forehead again before running down the stairs to let them in with Liv still holding onto me. Monty hadn't moved away from Jocelyn and I realized that I needed to get him out of the way so he didn't block the paramedics.

  They came in with a stretcher in tow and I ran ahead of them to intercept Monty. He was still lying next to Jocelyn but he was licking her face mercilessly and whining like he was talking to her. She was awake but hadn't moved and I dropped down to my knees next to her, "Joss, sweetheart, oh thank God."

  Her eyes were open and she was whispering to Monty, "It's okay, boy. I'm okay. Where's Liv?" She had tears streaming down her pale cheeks and finally focused on my face as I wiped them away.

  "The paramedics are here, love. Can you move at all?"

  "Andrew? What happened?" The weakness in her voice broke my heart and the lump in my throat doubled in size as moisture formed in my eyes. I hadn't cried since my parents died, and before that, I couldn't remember the last time, but now it felt like years of build up were trying to force its way out of me. My stomach knotted tighter when I saw the terrified look in her eyes.

  "I don't know, sweetheart. You must have passed out or… I don't know."

  At that point the paramedics had entered the room and Monty was now very attentive of them.

  "Sir, we need you to remove your dog so we can get to her."

  "Monty, come here boy." Olivia was wiggling in my arms and I struggled to hold her and Monty.

  "Andrew, let him go. Monty, please stay," she said in a firm voice and after a groan of disagreement, he laid down with his ears perked and held perfectly still as he kept his gaze on her. "He won't move," she said to the paramedic, "I promise."

  Her breathing was labored and she was starting to close her eyes, looking like she was in pain as the paramedics went through the motions. When they got her strapped onto the stretcher, Monty still hadn't moved and I couldn't stop moving. They had to push me out of the way a few times when I tried to get to her and Liv started crying again reaching out for her mother and confused as to why she couldn't reach her.

  After what seemed like a lifetime of questions, because she was in and out so much, they finally started toward the door. She kept her eyes on Olivia and me and the tears continued to fall down her face. Frustration coursed through me since I was unable to kiss them away and I felt like I died a hundred times over.

  Am I going to lose her? I kept thinking over and over again.

  She reached for my hand as we got out the front door.

  "I love you both," she whispered and squeezed my fingers.

  "We love you, baby." My arm tightened around Liv and she buried her face in my neck soaking my shirt with her big tears. As they loaded her into the ambulance, I locked the front door and my heart broke all over again when Monty started howling. "We'll get her back here, buddy. I promise."

  I strapped Liv in right as they pulled away. She was sniffling softly now, and had calmed down. The tears that had been lost to me for so long started to fall from my eyes and I kept telling myself to breathe.

  I called Madison on my way to the hospital and told her what had happened. I don't remember the phone call completely, but she assured me that she would get Monty settled and be over to the hospital as soon as possible.

  Next, I called Ben.

  "Hey Joss, what's going on?"

  "Ben, it's me. I have her phone. Something happened and we are on our way to the hospital."

  "What?" I heard a bang and some movement and then the sound of keys. "What happened? Can I talk to her?"

  "She is in an ambulance. We are right behind them. I don't know what happened, I-I found her in Liv's room passed out. It looked like she had vomited. Ben, she was so pale. I thought she was… I thought…" I couldn't stop the sobs, but couldn't care enough to even try to control them. Sometimes, a man just has to cry, especially when the love of his life is about to slip through his fingers.

  "Oh God, this can't be happening… not now. I'm on my way. Keep me updated."

  "Ben wait! Do you know what's going on? I'm not sure what to do."

  There was a long pause and then he spoke calmly, "Andrew, she is very sick. She was going to talk to you after her appointment on Wednesday."

  "I thought she was just going to get a physical." I was already pulling into the hospital and climbed out of the car to grab Liv.

  "Andrew, it's not something I can… just hold tight. I'll talk to you when I get there."

  He hung up and I was tempted to toss the phone as far as I could. What the hell is going on?

  Once we walked into the hospital, things started to get more confusing. I was not family, so the nurses hesitated to let me do anything, but I quickly explained that Olivia was her daughter and I was her boyfriend and that she doesn't have any family so if they didn't let me know what was going on…

  They called security, but Olivia started crying again and I calmed down enough to explain the situation to them a litt
le better.

  They let me passed the desk and into the double doors of the E.R. We waited for a couple of hours before Olivia started to squirm and get a little cranky. It was still early so I knew that Joss hadn't gotten a chance to feed her.

  "Are you hungry, baby girl?"

  She nodded her head as big tears fell down her cheeks. "Eat," she said in a voice so incredibly sad that I felt like I had just been punched in the gut.

  I ran out of the waiting room and got directions to the cafeteria, writing down Jocelyn's cell number and handing it to the nurse.

  "I will be right back. Please call this number if anything happens in the next few minutes with Jocelyn."

  She nodded and took the number from me with a smile filled with pity. The heaviness in my chest started to weigh me down and I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I felt like a caged lion ready to rip the place to shreds.

  After getting some food for Liv, we brought it back into the waiting room to find Madison and Tyler huddled together in the corner. When she saw me, she jumped up and closed the distance between us wrapping me in a hug that only a sister could give. I had been strong for her my entire life. She must have realized how close I was to losing it.

  I recounted what had happened as Olivia ate quietly, but quickly. I was cleaning her up when a doctor stepped out of the doors and made his way over to us.

  "Are you here for Jocelyn White?"

  I nodded, unable to speak from the anxiety boiling in my veins, ready to explode.

  "I'm Dr. Clayton, your wife's - oh um, excuse me - Ms. White's treating physician."

  Another nod.

  "She is stable and fully awake. You can go in now. From what she tells us, she threw up and when she came back in to clean it up, she blacked out. She doesn't remember anything until seeing you with the paramedics."

  I nodded yet again as Liv wrapped her tiny arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. "Can you tell me what is going on? Her friend said she was sick, but I have no idea what is wrong."

  He shifted on his feet and looked down, obviously not comfortable answering my question. "She said you would probably ask that, but she wanted to talk to you. I think it would be better if she did."

  I nodded again and adjusted Liv in my arms. Maddy gave me another quick hug and let me know they would be waiting. I just needed to get to Jocelyn and hold her in my arms, make sure she was really okay.

  He led me to her room and held the curtain open. I stepped in slowly and saw her lying in a hospital bed looking like she was about to cry.

  "Joss?" I hurried over to her side and Olivia turned in my arms.

  "Mommy!" she shouted, part laughing and part crying. She was just as relieved as I was to see her awake. "Mommy okay?"

  Jocelyn reached for her and I set her down on her lap. Olivia wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and kissed her face and shoulder saying again, "Mommy okay?"

  Jocelyn hugged Olivia tightly and closed her eyes. I sat on the bed next to her legs and placed my hand on her knee. I saw a few tears escape before she wiped at them and pulled back to look at Olivia.

  "My brave, beautiful girl. I'm so sorry Mommy isn't feeling good."

  She looked at me with a sad smile. "Thank you, Andrew. I'm not sure how to… I'm so sorry I… just, thank you. So much."

  I gave her a weak smile and put my hand on Olivia's back as she hugged her Mom again. "I would say anytime, but I really hope it doesn't happen again."

  She laughed weakly, "Me too."

  Unable to hold back any longer, I leaned forward, cupped her soft cheek, and kissed her. It took every bit of strength I had to pull away. Only the need to know what happened helped me do it. "Are you okay? What happened?"

  She hesitated for a moment and then pulled herself up a little more so she could face me completely. She still didn't speak and my heart pounded harder and faster. Whatever it was, it was bad and she had been hiding it.

  "Joss, has this happened before? I'm scared out of my mind. Ben said you are sick." Her eyes widened, but I quickly added, "He didn't tell me anything though and it actually really pissed me off."

  She hesitated and her eyes flickered with a memory. She was scared.

  "Jocelyn, tell me. Please."

  The look in her eyes frightened me even more and I had the feeling that maybe I shouldn't be asking for the information she was about to give me. That I wouldn't really want to know.

  Olivia laid across her chest and snuggled onto her shoulder with a hand reaching up to Jocelyn's face. She giggled when Jocelyn tickled her little feet and kissed her head.

  She looked back at me and asked, "Is Monty okay?"

  I nodded, understanding that she probably needed to work up to what she was going to tell me. "I think so. He was pretty upset when everything happened, but I think he was okay. Maddy checked on him."

  "Thank you. I know that you have kind of been dragged into--"

  I put my hand up to stop her, "I wasn't dragged into anything. I love you, Jocelyn. You know I would do anything for you. Please, talk to me."

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Andrew, I love you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you everything sooner." She opened her eyes and they were filled with tears. I heard the loud crack that ran through my chest and held my breath when she opened her mouth to speak again.

  "I had cancer… and I think it might be back."

  Shattered. Everything shattered.

  Jocelyn

  The look on his face broke my heart all over again. How many times had I seen this disease ruin everything and everyone around me? Too many times.

  His eyes never left my face, but I couldn't look at him anymore. I just ran my fingers through my beautiful little girl's hair and let the tears fall. She was playing with the bracelet on her wrist that Andrew had gotten her on the 4th of July. She didn't like it to be taken off and she tried to count all the little butterfly beads but kept repeating 'two' and 'three' and 'six'.

  "Jocelyn…" Andrew's voice was hoarse and sounded full of panic.

  I couldn't take the panic anymore. It was there the first time Ben told me I had cancer and it ruined the next few years of my life. After finding out I was pregnant with Olivia, the panic dissipated. I had a purpose and I wasn't going to let the cancer take that experience away from me. I couldn't let it take over me now.

  I opened my mouth to say something to him, but the curtain of my little room flew open and the doctor stepped carefully toward my bed. "Ms. White, how are you feeling at the moment?" He sat down on his little round rolling chair and moved in front of the computer.

  I cleared my throat of the lump that was determined to close off my breathing, "I'm okay for now. Just a little light headed… and emotional."

  He nodded and glanced at Andrew who was now looking at his feet with his head in his hands. Dr. Clayton gave me a sympathetic smile. He was a good looking man and a good doctor. He had been very attentive and constantly informed me about what was going on while they had run all the different tests.

  "I'll be quick about this if that is okay. I spoke with your previous oncologist, Dr. Moore, and he informed me that you have been dealing with quite a bit the last several years. He said you don't like to be coddled when it comes to treating this, am I correct?"

  I nodded slowly and forced myself to keep eye contact with the doctor knowing full well that what he just said would hurt Andrew.

  "Dr. Moore?" Andrew whispered. "Ben?"

  More tears came to the edges of my eyes, but I held them back and nodded again. I could hear the hurt in his voice and I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes that would come with it. I hadn't been honest with him.

  "We have the results of your MRI."

  "Hold on a moment," I said quickly and turned to Andrew. I lifted Olivia up and kissed her cheek, "Sweetie, Mommy needs to talk to the nice doctor now. Can you go with Andrew and explore for a little bit?"

  Olivia just smiled and said, "Adoo?"

&n
bsp; I lifted my eyes to him and asked, "Do you mind? I think it would be best if--"

  "No, I'm staying." His blue eyes were dull and sad. "I need to hear it, Jocelyn."

  I closed my eyes tightly, the headache I woke up with dulling a little at a time. "Why?"

  "Because I love you and nothing will ever change that." His voice cracked and his red rimmed eyes filled with moisture, but he didn't look away. Instead, he moved onto the bed next to me and took my hand in his as he pulled Liv onto his lap. "What's going on, Doctor?"

  ***

  "I don't understand. I've been in great shape for a long time now. I'm about to get my clearance, I just have to get established with a new specialist and… and…" My voice was strained and my heart pounded against my chest so wildly, I figured everyone in the room could hear it.

  This couldn't be happening.

  Oh, Joss, but you knew it would.

  The doctor bowed his head and glanced at the chart again, "I understand that. I do not specialize in this kind of thing so I cannot fully diagnose this. The imaging is very clear and further testing will be required I'm sure. I suggest you get in right away. I can call a doctor for you and try to persuade a work in visit. I will write up any kind of referral you need. Just let me know."

  "I already have one for Wednesday," I said and felt Andrew squeeze my hand. That was yet another thing I kept from him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, but he just lifted my hand to his lips and nodded.

  The doctor started closing down my record on the computer. "Good. You will need to get started on some treatment right away, I'm sure."

  There was a commotion right outside the room and I knew Ben had finally arrived. The curtain flew open and his wide eyes took in the scene.

  "Joss, thank God."

  "Ben. How did you get here so fast?"

  "I was at another stupid conference. After Andrew called me, I pretty much flew here."

  Andrew stood up to greet him, "Ben." He held his hand out to him and Ben hesitated for a moment before shaking it, obviously wary of the sullen looking man standing over him.

  "Andrew. I apologize for not… I just knew Jocelyn wouldn't have wanted me to say anything." He looked so shamefaced as he made eye contact with Andrew. I had forced him to lie to Andrew and I felt awful about it.