A Discovery of Hope (A Coming Home Again Novel Book 3)

by Lowe, T. I.

  I nod my head, but continue to just sit here. Overwhelming anxiety clamps down on me. Another tear escapes from my nervousness. Before I can swipe it away, JP gently glides his fingertips through the tear, causing me to wince at his unexpected touch.

  “You are so beautifully broken,” he murmurs.

  I brush his hand away in mortification. “Why would you say that? You don’t know me.”

  “No. I suppose not, but those golden eyes confess it. What I would give to capture them with my camera.”

  I glance at him but quickly look away when he tries to hold my gaze with his glassy eyes. I try mustering up some anger and snap at him. “I can’t believe you’re drunk.”

  He rests his head on the back of his seat and closes his eyes. “Me neither.”

  A tense silence settles between us as I continue to work up enough nerve to drive, but fail. Fear has paralyzed me at the thought of performing this task.

  JP rolls his head in my direction once again and stares. “You’re a dime holding up a dollar, babe.”

  I glare over at him. “You’re just going to have to be patient.” Taking a deep breath, I finally crank the Jeep and let it idle. If this man knew what I was sacrificing in this very moment to drive him home… I feel the pressure building in my head and know a migraine is on the way. I sling it in first gear, grasp the steering wheel with sweaty hands, and pull out of the parking lot.

  The drive home is painfully long and my tears won’t relent. JP tries to apologize a few times and offer some slurred support, but I just keep telling him to shut up. I’m so angry with him. He eventually passes out and leaves me alone in my misery. I have to pull over several times due to panic overtaking me. It’s nearing two in the morning by the time I park in the back and leave the snoring drunk in his Jeep to sleep it off.

  “Aren’t you going to wake him?” Hope asks as I make it to the back door on shaky legs. They seem to be teetering on the idea of giving out completely from underneath the weight of this horrible night.

  I cut my watery eyes at her. “No. I’ve done all I’m going to do for the night. Now, please leave me alone.” I rush upstairs and am relieved she doesn’t follow me for once. After redressing for bed, I only take the allotted dose of medicine for my migraine and hide under my quilt until the throb at my temples ebbs and sleep finds me.

  ~~~~~

  It’s past noon on this sunny Sunday, and I’m still laying here with no desire to face whatever may be on the other side of the door. JP has already knocked several times yesterday and this morning, but I keep ignoring him. I completely bailed on him yesterday. I figured the awkwardness wouldn’t be good for business, so I hid out in my room. It took the majority of the day to ward off the remnants of my nasty headache.

  Rolling out of the bed, I gather my bathroom belongings along with a fresh change of clothes. A quick peep in the hall finds his door shut, so I quickly shuffle into the bathroom, but freeze dead in my tracks when my eyes land on JP holding a towel in front of himself, dripping with water as he shuts the shower off.

  Oh. My. Gracious! First naked man in the flesh… Well, close enough to being naked.

  I can check that first off the list of firsts. All of this is making my head spin. I can’t look away for a few beats as I watch JP secure the towel a little tighter around his waist. The man’s build is very…umm…athletic.

  He clears his throat, snapping me out of my gawking trance. My eyes shoot up to his and cringe with him looking at me with an eyebrow quirked up in challenge.

  “Sorry,” I mutter as I practically break my neck to exit the bathroom. His deep chuckle follows me all the way back to my room. This whole bathroom sharing is something I can’t get used to. I’ve never had to worry if someone is occupying it before. I huff a bit. Well, he needs to learn to lock the door.

  A few moments later a knock hits my closed door. “Bathroom’s open now.”

  I sit tight until I hear his bedroom door close. The embarrassment is too great to see him right now… Good gracious.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The drunk and almost-naked incident is nearly a week in the past, but I still feel it in the present. JP must too, because he hasn’t had much to say. I try not to focus on that nor the anniversary of the accident, but I feel both sneaking up on me when I least expect it. My classes have been a bust with Jace, too. I picked up the latest Transformer robot and movie as a peace offering, but he didn’t acknowledge it on Thursday. Tony thanked me and took it with them once class was over. My time with him is almost up and I’m ready to give up on it. I just don’t feel very hopeful with anything. Life is an emotional roller coaster and I’m really questioning why God didn’t take me out of this misery last summer.

  JP left earlier this morning for a long weekend in Bay Creek. His mood shifted from embarrassment to some sort of deep hurt as the week went on. Something is clearly bothering him, but I’ve been too out of sorts to confront him. He’s closed the gallery for the weekend and won’t be back until Monday. I thought about going to Dad’s, but he had an unexpected request to help on a special surgery in Washington and flew out this morning. He called earlier and said he would cancel, but I heard the strain in his voice and understood the importance of the surgery. I brushed things off and encouraged him to go.

  Now, it’s early Friday evening and I am stricken with another migraine. My memories won’t leave me in peace tonight. Flashes of Mom walking out the door with her bag, Dad turning his back on me, and the argument with Mom while driving in that storm are haunting me relentlessly. I have no flashes of the accident itself, like it has been wiped completely from my memory. Maybe the injury is to blame. All I can recall in the jagged moments afterwards is that faint voice crying out to God to save me. I wish I could have mustered enough strength to have told whoever it was to hush and to just let God have me. I don’t think I will ever feel whole again.

  Hope appears beside me in the bed and quietly whispers Philippians 4:6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” She’s quiet for a few beats before adding, “It will take time to completely heal. Just trust in God.”

  My head hurts too severely to answer, but Hope seems to already know my thoughts.

  “It doesn’t matter what did or didn’t happen last summer. That time has passed. I’m not asking you to forget it. I’m sure that would be impossible, but I am begging you to move on from it.” She runs her hands gently through my hair in search of the scar. “Others need to understand this too, and I need you to help me show them.”

  My voice is barely a whisper. “How can I possibly help someone, if I can’t even help myself?”

  “You will in due time. Rest for now.” With this, my eyes drift shut and I’m swallowed by peaceful nothingness.

  ~~~~~

  I slowly wake and find a figure lying beside me, thinking it’s Hope as usual. I go to roll away, but the subtle hints of familiar male cologne cause me to reconsider.

  “You okay?” JP whispers. The faint light of a new day is barely filtering through the thick curtains I brought with me, but I can still see the worry in his blue eyes.

  “Just a headache,” I mumble. “What are you doing here?”

  “Duke said he couldn’t rouse you yesterday, so I headed back to check on you.”

  “Oh.” We keep lying here, staring at each other for a while. I feel hung-over and really don’t want to move. JP doesn’t look his best either. His baby-blue eyes look tired and he’s past due a shave. Even his beard stubble is blond, but still shadows his square jaw. I close my eyes to help resist the overwhelming urge to run my hands along his jaw. “I’ve had a cycle of migraines.” Stress related, but I keep that part to myself, knowing it would only bring on more questions. I wipe my eyes and cringe at what a hot mess I must look like.

  “You ne
ed a doctor?”

  “No. It’s passed now. I just had to sleep it off.”

  This doesn’t seem to appease him any. “But you’ve been in bed since I left. Two days ago.”

  My body protests, but I sit up with JP following suit. I try offering him a small smile, hoping to ease some of the worry from his face. “It’s normal. I’m okay now.” I stand and fight off the wave of vertigo slamming into me. “I’m due a shower though.”

  We stand on opposite sides of the bed. JP shakes his head. “How ‘bout you hit the shower, and I’ll go grab us some lunch?” He makes to leave but pauses. “You sure I don’t need to call your dad?” I rambled on and on the other day about my dad and him being a doctor while I sorted pictures. I guess JP was listening after all.

  “I’m okay. Promise.” I try to act normal and stumble to the bathroom. Once I lock myself in, I perch on the side of the tub. Normal? Will I ever be normal again? A wave of doubt and nausea slams into me and I have to hold in the dry heave wanting to escape. I see a shadow under the door and I’m pretty sure it’s JP. I quickly fumble with turning the water on and after a few minutes the shadow moves away. I strip and climb in the shower before remembering my toiletries are still in my room. Great. I scan the shower shelf and find a man’s body wash. I grab it up and sniff. It smells just like JP. I just hope he doesn’t mind me using his stuff. There’s no way I could muster enough energy to go back for my own now.

  I take my time massaging the spicy wash into my scalp, trying to rub the soreness away, then proceed to wash my body roughly with his body scrubber. It feels almost too intimate to be washing with his stuff and a peculiar emotion keeps passing through me that I cannot identify. After I’m done, I help myself to one of JP’s towels. Luckily, last time I forgot my toothbrush by the sink. I grab it up and dollop a generous squirt of his toothpaste and commence to scrubbing the cotton-mouth funk caused by the medicine and sleep out of my mouth.

  A quick glance in the foggy mirror, I find only a minimal shadow under each eye. Surprise registers in those tired eyes from the realization that my hair has grown out to almost meet my shoulders. When did that happen? After getting over this revelation, I hitch the towel tighter around me and peek into the hall and find it clear. I dart into my room and almost lose my towel in surprise.

  JP is already back, sitting at the small dinette table. He seems too large to be in this space. He is in mid-bite of a substantial sub sandwich and seems as surprised as me.

  “Umm…” He sits the sub down and heads to the door. “I’ll… I’ll just give you a few minutes.” He dashes out into the hall and secures the door behind him. I have to fan my flushed skin. I wasn’t expecting a man in my room.

  I make quick work of getting dressed, pulling on an oversized top and a pair of leggings. Hope is perched on top of the dresser, bubbling in laughter.

  “Oh, so you think this is funny?” I whisper.

  “Oh, yes. Very much. Human attraction is such a novelty to me.” She continues to giggle like a little girl and it’s tempting to knock her off the dresser.

  “That was a flash of unexpected embarrassment. You, my angel, are mistaken.”

  She shakes her head. “There’s no mistaking that.”

  Before I can rebuke, there’s a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” I say, running the brush through my wet hair. I look back at Hope and notice her hair has grown out to her shoulders, as well. Time is slipping away from me…

  JP cracks the door minimally and hesitates. “I’m decent,” I say quietly, feeling my cheeks warm.

  He comes in, sits back at the table, and digs into his sub. “I got you a plain turkey,” he says between bites. “I figured you didn’t need anything heavy with you being sick all weekend.”

  “Thanks.” I’m relieved it’s plain. There’s no way I could handle much of anything right now. We eat in silence for a bit before I comment, “I thought you wouldn’t be back until late tomorrow.”

  “I was worried about you.”

  I look up and find him staring at me. “Oh.” I busy myself with another bite, not knowing how to reply. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You helped me get out of my own head.” He crumbles the empty sub wrapper and tosses it across the room into the trashcan.

  “I’ve noticed something bothering you this week.”

  He shrugs his shoulders and averts his eyes away from mine now that I turned the concern towards him. It clearly makes him uncomfortable.

  “Are you okay?”

  He stands and heads to the door to escape my questioning. “I might as well be,” he mutters before closing the door.

  I’m still staring at in confusion when Hope appears before me. “The sorrow John Paul carries is such a burden on him.”

  “What sorrow?” I ask, but already know she won’t clarify.

  “That is a conversation you need to have with John Paul.”

  “Well, seems he has no desire to have that conversation.” I abandon my sandwich and stow it away in the fridge before stretching back on my bed. Hope joins me and we silently let the remainder of the day drift away.

  Odd noises nudge me back awake, revealing complete darkness blanketing the room. I lie still trying to decipher what woke me, but hear nothing. My eyes ease back shut, but abruptly reopen when a muffled yell comes from JP’s room. I bolt up in the bed as he lets out another scream. I scurry into his room and find him kicking and screaming in the throes of a nightmare.

  It’s startling to find him in such a state. I hurry over to his bed and shake his shoulder to wake him. This causes him to jump and his eyes flash wildly at me. He still looks asleep even though his eyes are wide open. Before I can say a word, he bursts out in a heartbreaking sob. My own heart breaks at his anguish, so I climb on the bed and hold him as he weeps. I’ve never seen a grown man crumble like this and it scares me. His bare chest is sleek with sweat and I feel it dampen my thin top as I hold tight to him. I rock him slightly and run my hands through his hair until he quietens a bit. He’s so much bigger than me but feels so vulnerable wrapped in my embrace. I have this overwhelming desire to protect him.

  Long moments pass when all of a sudden JP spins me onto his pillow. One minute, I’m holding him and the next I’m flat on my back wrapped in his arms. His tears are quiet now, but continue to rain down onto my own cheeks—warm and sorrowful—as he hovers mere inches from my face. His trembling reverberates through me, and he seems to be wrestling with more than the remnants of his nightmare. His screams were so filled with pain. Just thinking about it causes me to cling to his tense form more securely, bringing his face dangerously close. I see a change in his face as he loses some resolve he seemed to be holding tightly.

  JP shakes his head in a defeated manner before crashing his lips to mine as he starts kissing me frantically. New tears spring forth from him and sobs break between our lips as his body quivers against mine. It’s soul-touching and so emotional that I don’t know how to react. I find myself just being. Being what? I don’t know. I can’t think. I just let my instincts guide me and stop thinking altogether.

  I’ve been kissed sweetly and lightly and playfully before, but never have I been kissed passionately. It’s so forceful with the strong taste of anguish, lust, bitterness and acute need mingled altogether. My mind just spins as he fervently attacks my lips. I find myself being just as forceful. Our teeth and lips are colliding with such abandon, and I may have bitten down on the edge of his lip at one point. It feels as though I can’t get him close enough and I have an unrelenting need wash over me to never let go.

  Things are spinning out of control, when JP abruptly pulls away from me. He hovers over me again and is wearing a look of complete confusion—as though he just woke up from this bizarre dream. The look causes me to flinch. Maybe he was still asleep after all. He rolls off me and buries his face into the pillow next to my head. I watch his shoulders rapidly rise and fall from his heavy breaths and I worry he’s going to go back to
crying. I place my hand on his fevered shoulder, but he recoils from my touch.

  “Go back to your room, Willow,” he orders hoarsely.

  His rejection stings and confuses me, but I do as I’m told. I go straight back to my bed and flop down. The bed dips slightly so I know it’s just Hope.

  “That was so embarrassing,” I whisper, feeling close to weeping myself. My face is still damp from JP’s tears and my heart won’t calm down.

  “You gave John Paul comfort. It’s something he’s not used to and it scared him.”

  “More like my groping freaked him out. Or worse—grossed him out. Mercy, I’m so embarrassed.” I shake my head at the craziness that just transpired.

  “You offered him comfort and compassion. Nothing gross about those two words.”

  “All that hot-and-heaviness…” I pause, feeling ashamed. “Isn’t that a no-no?” I wipe his tears off my cheeks and keep my eyes averted. I am too mortified to look at her.

  “You two didn’t cross any boundaries. God is the creation of love, my child. He created it because it is such a beautiful pleasure. Humans are the ones to twist it into something unpleasant. You two kissed and held each other. You shared a raw love tonight that wasn’t tainted by any worldliness.” Hope pauses and places her hand on my shoulder. “It was beautiful.”

  I look over at her and find her smiling an approving smile. I don’t have any response, so I roll away from her and feel her disappear. Good. Because I need some time to come to terms with all these notions. I touch the tips of my fingers to my swollen lips. They feel purposely bruised, and I can’t help but agree with my angel. What I shared with JP is something so foreign that I didn’t even realize it was love. I play it back over in my head—all the way back to him coming home early to check on me. The comfort he showed me, and then me returning it to him later. And then us sharing in that comfort together as we held each other only moments ago. I don’t know if either one of us is ready for what we stumbled upon tonight. For now, I let the worry of it go and live in that moment until dawn touches my windowsill.