by Tanya Mindo
Her phone beeps. Jesse sent a message on the group chat.
Jesse: Anyone managed to come to school?
Zoe: Not me. This hangover is bad. Never again!
Jesse sends a laughing emoji.
Kaito: I’m here in Komaba.
How could he go to school? So he wasn’t drunk?
She winces to herself again and chokes on a chunk of noodles. She hurriedly drinks water.
Marie: I needed to pass a reaction paper. I’m also here.
Taylor hasn’t viewed the messages. He’s probably still passed out.
Naoki: I didn’t come to school. My Professor couldn’t make it.
Jesse: Lucky.
Zoe finishes her bowl of noodles. She washes the used dishes and lies on the bed. Kaito asks about everyone’s hangover. Everyone else replies except Zoe and Taylor.
She doesn’t dare to have any direct interaction with Kaito. She embarrassed herself in front of him.
She squeezes her eyes shut. Her phone beeps once more.
Kaito: Zoe? How about you?
She gulps. He specifically mentioned her! Why would he talk to her? Did she remember it wrong?
No. It did happen. She clearly remembers that she pushed him away like a drunk idiot. It was pure luck that she didn’t blurt out her feelings for him, or else she would have flown away back home.
She chews her lips nervously.
Zoe: I’m okay.
Then she locks her phone and hides it under her pillow. No more talking.
I need to figure out what to do next.
She turns her laptop on and sends a message to Elle. She is offline. Then she glimpses at her list of friends, and there is Seth. She contemplates whether to talk to him about this. He is her ex… But he is also her friend.
Before she can decide, Seth has already sent a message.
Seth: Zoe, hello. Sup?
A surge of relief flows through her body.
Zoe: Hi, Seth. I’m alright… Suffering from a hangover, but I’m okay.
Seth: Oh, wow. You drink now?
Zoe: Just last night.
Seth sends a wow emoticon.
Seth: Pretty big changes in a new city. Good for you, Zoe.
Funny how Seth as her boyfriend will be frantic about her drinking. She can imagine how they can get into a fight over it. It’s crazy that things have completely transformed between them.
Seth seems… Happier. Maybe he has accepted the truth about himself and has become less angry about the world. Perhaps he has found the love that he needed and wanted in Connor. Surprisingly, Zoe isn’t hurt even the tiniest bit. She is genuinely happy for him.
It was the best decision they had ever made for each other.
Zoe: Thanks, Seth. Can I call you?
Seth: Go ahead.
Then soon, Seth’s face flashes on the screen. He is home.
“Hey,” she waves her hand.
Seth squints at his laptop screen, then a smile breaks across his face.
“I can see the dark circles. I guess you went crazy already for your first time.”
“Yeah. I had no control. I won’t do it again.”
“I doubt it. I think you had a good night.”
Zoe half-smiles. Despite all the jealousy and bad feelings and the mess she made with Kaito, she had fun last night.
“Anyway…” she mutters, unsure of how to open the topic about Kaito. She is reluctant to talk to Seth about it, but she needs advice.
She and Kaito will most likely bump into each other tomorrow since they have the same schedule. She doesn’t know if making an excuse not to go to school with him will be the best course of action. Kaito isn’t dumb. He’s gonna ask her what’s wrong. Or he can be angry. Maybe he was just too polite to ignore her on the group chat earlier.
“So, how are you?” asks Zoe.
“I’m alright. Elle told you about our trip to Japan next week, right?”
She nods. “Yes. I’m glad you guys are coming. I haven’t been to a lot of places, so I’d gladly join you. We can be tourists together. I’ll have classes sometimes, but I’ll make it a point to go with you when I’m free.”
“That’s cool. I’ll send you our itinerary later,” Seth says happily. “Thanks for not being weird about this.”
“Of course not. But is Connor okay with it? You're coming here to see me,” she asks. Seth chuckles.
“Yes, of course. Connor is… Still apologetic to you. Like I am, honestly. I thought coming to see you will be the right thing to do…” he mumbles, lowering his gaze.
“Seth, it’s alright. Tell Connor that there’s nothing to worry about anymore. You should move on free of guilt. I’m alright,” she replies. “Are you guys doing well?”
Seth nods. “Thanks, Zoe. Yes, we’re okay. It’s difficult to hide it from everyone. But we’ve decided to come out of the closet after graduation.”
Zoe smiles encouragingly. “That’s brave of you guys.”
Seth grins, a tinge of anxiety visible in his eyes. “Anyway, what about you? I know you wanted to call because of something else.”
Her cheeks turn pink. “Well… Yeah. It’s weird to talk to you about this, but Elle’s not online. I need someone to talk to.”
He narrows his eyes. “It’s fine. I’ll listen to you. Is this a guy problem?”
She blushes. “Mmm.”
“Kaito?”
She gulps. “How’d you know?”
Seth leers at her. “Come on, Zoe. I wasn’t wary of him over nothing.”
Zoe smiles, remembering how Seth used to be annoyed when she talked about Kaito.
“He’s too attractive to ignore,” he adds. “Not my type, but still.”
They both chortle.
“The thing is... I was drunk last night. Then early this morning, I remembered telling him to go away...” she sighs. “Now I don’t know how to face him. How can alcohol make you say things you don’t mean? I didn’t want him to go away.”
“Alcohol usually makes you say things that you do mean, Zoe.”
“No, I didn’t mean it… I think it was because I was jealous of him and our friend, Marie. And because I was frustrated that he’s probably not into me. He’s simply nice to everyone.”
Seth’s lips part.
“Wait, you like him?”
Zoe reddens. “Yes. It’s okay… Right?”
Seth nods, smiling. “Of course, it is.”
Zoe feels as if a boulder got lifted off her shoulder.
“Marie and Kaito sort of had a thing between them last winter, and I learned about it recently so I... I was jealous. They’re only friends now. And I like Marie. It’s just that… I hate seeing them close.”
She presses her palms against her cheek. “I hate feeling like this, Seth. I don’t like this.”
“Hey, hey. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s normal to feel that way if you like him. Just don’t act on it.”
“Another thing is... I think what happened to Marie is happening to me, too. She thought she was special, but Kaito rejected her.”
“But you still get jealous?”
Zoe nods bashfully. “Marie is too awesome. I… Well… Anyway, what I’m feeling right now is my problem. It’s not Kaito’s fault. He clearly said before that he’s cynical about relationships, and we all know that he’s just always protective of everyone.”
“Are you sure that he’s like that with everyone else?”
“Yes…? I think so. It’s just that we’re always together because we stay at the same dormitory, so I guess he looks after me more. I hate this. You always looked after me, too.”
She clicks her tongue.
“Maybe I really just have this take-care-of-me vibe.”
Seth scratches his head.
“Okay, wait. To summarize it: You like him. You think he doesn’t like you since he’s nice to everyone. And then you were drunk last night and you told him to go away because you were jealous of Marie. Did I get that right?”
&nbs
p; Zoe nods. “Yes.”
“Alright. I think what you should do is apologize for last night and clear things up with him. Then next, you should just ask him his feelings, Zoe. Get this over with.”
“No way! I’ll get rejected!”
“We’re not even sure about that. And if he does reject you, then so what? He’s still gonna be your friend.”
“He rejected Marie, too. It’s gonna be awkward.”
“You and Marie can bond over it.”
Zoe cringes while Seth laughs out loud.
“I’m just kidding. Just apologize to him first and tell him that it was because you were drunk and stupid.”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to date him?”
“D-D-D-Date?” she stammers.
“What do you want to get out of it? Are you satisfied with being just his friend even though you like him?”
Zoe ponders about it. It was the same question that Elle had asked her.
“I haven’t thought about it.”
“Then think about it for now. Because no matter how jealous you are, no matter how much you don’t want to be just a friend to him, if you don’t want to confess with dating in mind, then you’ll just be stuck. And it’s gonna hurt.”
Kaito finishes eating ramen for lunch at the cafeteria, sleepy and drained. He forced himself to get up this morning even though he barely had a wink of sleep. What Zoe said troubled him. She was drunk when she told him to ‘stop caring’ and to ‘go away’, but people always say what they truly want to say when they’re intoxicated.
Maybe she got pissed because he constantly nagged her last night.
My bad.
But Kaito was only worried about her. Did he overstay his welcome?
He thinks about Marie, and wonders if Zoe was angry at him for what happened. Was she mad because he rejected Marie? Or was she jealous?
He clicks his tongue. He’s getting ahead of himself. It can’t be. Zoe would never feel anything for him.
Kaito feels his throat close up, his chest tightening.
The only thing that makes sense to him is his feelings. He likes Zoe. He likes her more than anyone. But he’s also aware that there is no point. He might not be good enough for her. For her family. He might not be able to give her the life that she is used to living.
The image of his mother walking out the door comes back to him. His heart throbbed like crazy, sheens of sweat appearing on his temples.
“Why so serious?”
Kaito looks up and sees Marie. She sits in front of him.
“Oh, hi,” says Kaito, temporarily forgetting the harsh memory. “Have you eaten lunch?”
“Yeah, I was just finished,” she replies. “What’s wrong? You look bummed out.”
Kaito presses his lips together. “It’s nothing. Lack of sleep, that’s all. Did you sleep well?”
Marie shakes her head, wincing. “Not really. My head still aches, but I’m fine. I just passed my papers.”
“Are you going home now?”
“Yeah,” she answers, yawning. “But I saw you and well...”
Marie averts her gaze and leans back in her chair.
“Marie? What is it?”
She sighs, “It’s just that… I told Zoe about what happened last winter. She heard from Taylor, so I figured that she should hear the truth from one of us.”
Kaito’s stomach hardens. He clears his throat. “What did you tell her?”
“I told her about my breakup, and you being there for me. I swear I didn’t make up any lie. Just the truth…” Then she forces a grin. “You know... That I took you the wrong way... And we’re only friends now.”
Kaito rubs the back of his neck and asks, “Then what did she say…?”
“She didn’t say much. She only said that she was just curious.”
He feels a tinge of disappointment.
“So she’s okay?”
“I guess.”
“I see.”
Then he is relieved. It’s more important to him that she’s okay. She’s still going through something with Seth, and he’s unsure whether they’ve truly broken up since she only said that they are “pursuing different paths”—whatever that means.
But why did she sound so mad at him earlier? Because he hurt Marie?
But she said she doesn’t care about that, too.
He runs his hand through his hair, his eyebrows squishing together.
“Kaito? You okay?”
Kaito looks back at Marie who squirms in guilt. He smiles at her.
“Yes, I’m alright.”
“Are you… Worried about what she might think about us?”
He pats her shoulder. “No, it’s alright. It doesn’t matter.”
“You’re only saying that,” says Marie. “You’re just being nice. I know you’re worried because you like her.”
“Marie, it’s alright,” he answers. “You know that I’m not into relationships. I already have a lot on my plate. Besides, Zoe doesn’t feel anything for me so this shouldn’t be a big deal.”
Marie blinks rapidly. With a toothed smile, she asks, “Are you sure?”
He tilts his head. “What do you mean?”
“Are you sure she doesn’t feel the same?”
Kaito raises his eyebrow. “Huh?”
“I gotta go. See you later,” Marie says, then she gets up and walks away. Kaito watches her leave the cafeteria, even more confused than earlier.
Zoe stands in front of Building C, her eyes on the glass door. She clenches her fists. She is there to apologize to Kaito, but heck, she doesn’t even know where to start. She’s also scared of what he might say to her.
Seth told her that she should confess since even if she gets rejected, there is a good chance that they will still be friends. But she doesn’t want to get rejected. And she won’t be fine with being just friends after that.
But what if he accepts her feelings and then they break up?
Her heart pounds. Okay, there are too many ‘what ifs’, too many irrational thoughts. She has to clear her head.
Zoe takes a deep breath. She isn’t ready. She should sort things out first. Nothing good will come out of this. There are a lot of things she still doesn’t know about him.
She turns around and sees Kaito approaching. Her pulse races. She attempts to hide, but Kaito sees her. His eyes widen as he inches forward to her.
“Hey,” he says.
Zoe shifts her weight from one foot to the other, biting her lips. She heaves a sigh.
“About this—”
“I’m sorry—”
Their gazes meet.
“You can go first,” Kaito says.
She exhales.
Okay. I can do this.
“Well… About earlier. I’m unsure of what happened since it was all so… Fuzzy. I was drunk. I drank too much when I shouldn’t have, so whatever it was that I did… Or said… I hope you don’t take it seriously.”
Kaito pokes a tongue in his cheek.
“You said that I should stay away. And that I should stop caring too much.”
She winces. “Y-Yes. I think I remember that. I think it’s because I was having fun last night, and you often told me to take it easy.”
“I see. So that’s what it was.”
He cocks his head to the side then smiles wryly.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“N-No, it’s alright. You were only looking after me. Like how you’ve always done with everyone else. Like I said, I was only drunk. Sorry, Kaito.”
She sincerely hopes that he believes her. She wishes that it will stop right there. That he’ll just accept her apology, then they would return to normal.
However, Kaito presses further.
“I heard that Marie told you everything. And you mentioned it earlier, too.”
Her insides turn into a knot. Kaito, as usual, is digging into every single thing.
