“I’m sorry.” I was saying sorry for so many things: sorry for crying on him, sorry for killing the mood, sorry for being in his space, when he clearly liked being alone. Sorry for doing this completely selfish deal in the first place.
He didn’t say anything, and I guess I wasn’t really expecting him to. Emotions like this were probably not his forte, but nonetheless, the tears flowed, until I felt the weight I had been holding onto start to lighten. I wasn’t ready to let it all out and vocalize everything. But I did feel okay to voice one thing out loud—not for him, but for me to just put it out into the world that I was accepting my fate.
“Lane, my ex, really wanted to make sure that if we got married that I could have his babies. Children of his bloodline. And he even hid my pills to make sure it would happen. When it didn’t, we went to talk to a specialist. I was so swept up in everything that I really didn’t think about whether I truly wanted children with him. I was focused on the fact that it might not happen for me. I finally checked my messages yesterday, and saw the doctor called. My chances of having a baby through normal means are very low, which makes me sad. But I’ll move on. It’s not the end of the world, right?”
Chapter Fourteen
Killian
How was I supposed to answer her question? My first thought was, her ex was a dick, and I should beat the shit out of him. That could possibly make her feel better. But I didn’t think she would appreciate me saying that out loud, at least not right now.
My arms squeezed her a little tighter. It was the only answer I could give her. I couldn’t promise things would be okay. Shit happened. You get a hand of cards in life, and you lived with what you were dealt. You just had to force yourself to get up every morning and do it.
“I’ll be okay,” she said, more for herself than me. That I believed. Whatever was weighing on her would eventually fall off, and she would be free.
“My family disowned me after I joined the Marines.” I didn’t say it to make her feel bad; it just felt like a moment for me to let a little out into the universe as well.
“I’m sorry, Killian,” she sniffed out.
“Didn’t tell ya to make you feel bad. You aired a piece of your soul. Figured I would, too.” Easy explanation, despite it not being the whole truth. Livia was burying herself inside me, and I didn’t want to truly acknowledge it. Denial at its finest. Ever since Joel had asked if I was going to marry her in Vegas, I realized I was developing feelings for her. I wouldn’t go as far as marrying her. We were leaving Vegas tomorrow morning after grabbing another set of cars, so no little white wedding by Elvis. But I could admit I cared about her, and now that I’ve held her body against mine, and tasted her lips on mine, there was no forgetting that.
Still not sure I wanted to officially break that dam, I thought back to being at the club with her, to hearing her gasp at my touch. My mind had gone blank; I couldn’t think of anything other than having her as mine for the night. But when she started to feel sick, everything cleared up some. I still wanted her, but what would have happened if we went back to the truck, or got a hotel room, and fucked till dawn, and then had to do business as usual? I still felt like I didn’t have anything to give to anyone, and wanting her didn’t change that reality.
She could want more from me, and then I would end up being another item on her list of worries. That, I couldn’t do. We only had three more weeks left. I couldn’t fuck it up. My job, and her fragile spirit, was on the line. One month was the deal, and then we’d part ways, hopefully not more fucked up than before.
“Thank you for letting me in a bit.” She was calming down, and her breathing was evening out. I kept holding her until her soft breaths told me she was asleep. No doubt those snores of hers would be showing up soon, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to hold onto her for as long as I could.
My alarm startled me when it started ringing, telling me it was time to wake up. I didn’t even remember falling asleep. My head was reeling from having actually slept a normal amount last night. Then all the memories came back to me in an instant. Kissing Livia, dancing with her, telling her I’d dry fuck her against a wall until she screamed my name. Then she got sick, and I told her a bit of my secrets.
Her body was snuggled against me, still asleep. She was breathtaking. Having her in my arms like this, feeling so right, scared the shit out of me. Without waking her up, I untangled myself and slipped out the door to get some fresh air.
My fingers ran through my hair in panic. Fuck. This girl was doing things to me, and I was not a fan of change. I stood in the cool breeze, trying to figure out what I was going to do. The only decision I could get on board with was, even though it would sting a little for her, I had to move on. She would think I didn’t want her and would go back to just being my passenger for the rest of the trip. We’d get along. I’d answer her questions, and neither of us would dig deeper. I had these thoughts before going to bed, and I felt it was the only way she and I were going to get out of this without serious trouble. Stick with the plan.
I went back into the truck and grunted as usual to her about getting up, doing her thing, and then we were going to head off. Long drive to Montana, and we were going to be doing a straight shot, with just a thirty-minute break here and there. Thankfully we picked her up thicker pants and a jacket in San Diego, so the snow we were bound to hit wouldn’t bother her. Montana in January was pretty brutal sometimes.
She yawned, but rolled out of bed. Fucking adorable.
Her ass was right in my face as she leaned over to grab her bag to go to the restroom, and I had the extreme craving to nip at it. Not giving in to my urges to fuck her into oblivion was going to be harder to resist now that I’ve tasted her. But I had to fight it. For both of us.
We walked together to the bathrooms and then separated to take care of business. I was done before she was, so I waited by the map of Vegas for her to come back out. Vegas was shady, and I didn’t want anyone thinking she was a lot lizard again. That indignity I could protect her from, for damn sure.
When she emerged from the restroom, she was still in her sweat clothes, but looked like she was exhausted. She really must not drink a lot, if she felt this horrible after only one glass of beer and three shots.
“I think I’m just going to lie down and read, or watch a movie, on this drive.” She yawned and I nodded. She looked at me, opened her mouth, then turned back to face the truck as we approached the doors.
I knew she wanted to talk about last night, but my disinterest was keeping her quiet. Maybe she was regretting her choice to make out with the “grumpy driver,” as she called me. Maybe she was the one that was actually disinterested. She had been drunk, maybe not quite realizing what she was doing. The thought immediately took me from faking a bad mood, to an actual bad mood. I took advantage of her being intoxicated. I was a fucking bastard, probably no better than her dick ex.
I started the truck as soon as we were settled, her, lying on my bunk with her Kindle in her hands, and me in my seat, brooding. I logged in my start time, and programmed the address in my GPS. We picked up the cars with ease, and then we took off towards Montana without any issues. She remained quiet.
She didn’t talk to me for a few hours. She nibbled on some bread, and finally spoke up when she had to pee. We stopped to take a short break and stretch, which this time she opted out of, then went back to the highway. She was off, and I was still in a shit mood, so the cab was very quiet. She fell asleep after maybe another hour and I just pushed on through, driving until she woke up again.
She slept for four hours. We were making good time, and only had about seven and a half more to go. Once she was up, we stopped for a late lunch.
“Sorry if I snored,” she mumbled after taking a bite of her sandwich. We chose turkey avocado sandwiches for our trip. It was a good choice.
“You didn’t.” She looked at me and then back to her sandwich, sullenly.
“What’s your favorite state?” I c
ould tell she didn’t want to be quiet anymore. This was an easy question that I could ask.
“Florida.” She tilted her head to the side.
“Interesting.”
My turn, back to asking her the same thing. She rolled her eyes, knowing what I was doing, but answered anyway.
“I love Florida, too. Although California was nice. Maybe after the month is over I’ll live somewhere different.” She seemed to be picturing it in her head. My first thought was her, in a purple bikini, lying out in the sun on my dock back home. The image was unexpected, but sadly, not unwelcomed. Sighing, I finished off my sandwich and decided to get out and walk off my frustration. So I did.
“Hey, Killian! Wait up!” she called after me. I turned to see her running my way, with a look in her eyes that said she was finally going to say something about last night.
Chapter Fifteen
Livia
He was avoiding me. Ever since he woke up this morning, he had been quiet. And while that was a normal thing for him, this type of quiet was a darker kind. He was upset, and turning into himself. Maybe he was mad at me for getting sick and ruining the moment last night? Maybe he really just didn’t want me; I was just a woman grinding on him. Or maybe he just changed his mind? I was tired of those thoughts, and more, going through my head today. I just wanted to talk about it. If it was all a mistake, then fine, it would sting, but I’d move on eventually. He looked at me jogging toward him without showing any emotions. Shocker.
“Look, I’m sorry if I enticed you last night, making you want female company. I haven’t had alcohol in years. You don’t need to beat yourself up about anything; it was all my fault. I get it. My pride may be stung a little, but I’ll be all right.” I watched his face for anything, any sign of what he was thinking, but got nothing. Just that stubborn piece of hair that fell into his eye.
“We’re good.” That’s all he said before he turned to walk away. I wasn’t sure what else I could say. I could tell him I was developing feelings for him, or that I wanted to continue what we started last night. I really wanted to do that, but I was scared. Not just of being with him, but of how badly it was going to hurt when our month was over. I still had no idea what I was going to do with myself at the end of the month, let alone try to figure out how to work another person into the equation. But I couldn’t help wanting him. I missed his arms around me, and it had only been just this morning that I woke up with them holding me, surrounding me in a warm bubble of safety. I felt completely at peace with him. He didn’t know I was awake when he fled the bunk earlier, but I was. It just felt too good, and too right, to be cuddled by him. I didn’t want to move. But obviously he did.
Feeling that sting in my pride, I bundled into my thick jacket —it was freezing outside and the wind blowing—and walked to the bathroom. Killian was standing outside the truck when I came back to it. He didn’t say anything as he hopped up into the truck, and I sighed. We were back to square one. I should just leave things the way they were. Less complicated.
I went back to his bunk and found solace in my books. In books you could be anyone, live thousands of lives without leaving your home. In that moment, I realized, I could do whatever I wanted. This whole crazy plan was a way to figure my shit out. Well, maybe I should continue to live more, and step out of the comfort zones I put myself in, and do that. Figure out who I am, and what I want to do with my life. I only had three weeks left, and dammit, I was going to make the most of my time going around the country.
Whenever we got to where we were staying in Montana, I was going to do what I wanted, and live in the moment, like I wanted. When Killian asked me my theme song, I told him “Living in The Moment” was my song. It was time for me to truly take that to heart.
First objective was going to be pushing him, once and for all. Either he wanted me and was holding back, or he truly was not interested. Getting him to his breaking point and giving me some sort of emotion was priority one. I couldn’t fail. My mind and body were tired of watching him without being able to touch him. I was addicted to the fire he created inside me, needing more until I was satisfied. My eyes roamed to him as he chewed on a Twizzler, watching the road without knowing I was plotting against him.
“What’s your theme song?” I asked, because I knew he would ask me the same question afterwards, and somehow I knew he would be completely honest with this question, even if he didn’t want to.
“'Way Down We Go’ by Kaleo.” That was not at all what I expected to come out of his mouth. I’d fallen in love with that band a few months ago. The song was so raw and deep. Most people saying it made them sad hearing it, but it had the opposite effect on me. The singer’s voice was so raw that I wanted to throw my panties at him. Maybe I was into tortured men. Killian was definitely punishing himself for something. But what?
Just like I knew he would he asked me the same question, this time I was going to shake him a little.
“'Hot Blooded’ by Foreigner.” How about them apples? I watched his fingers grip the steering wheel, and knew I wasn’t too far from getting him to the edge. I needed this to happen.
We arrived at a large log cabin, after what seemed like hours driving down a long driveway. Killian said the guy was a friend and millionaire who retired to the woods of Montana. He owned about two thousand acres. I wasn’t struggling financially, especially since I sold my business, but I could never imagine having that much. Honestly, I don’t think I’d want a house that big. Too much to clean and take care of. I’d be happy with a small little cabin, but not this gigantic thing before us. A man in a jacket came out. He was older, with a white beard cut close to his chin. Even in the darkness of the night, I could tell he was a nice looking older guy. Aged well. With the owner’s help, Killian backed the truck to a large warehouse, and they unloaded the trailer. I stayed in the heat of the truck until they were done. It was in the teens out there, with snow covering the ground. While I was in awe of it, having never seen snow in person, I wasn’t ready to leave the cozy cab yet.
Killian climbed back in and parked in a spot that seemed to have been made for his truck. Some of these people must use him a lot to transport cars for them, if he had his own parking spot and everything.
“Grab your stuff, and put your jacket and boots on.” He was brisk with his words, and then threw some clothes in a bag. I may or may not have intentionally brushed my breast against him, and bent down to grab things low with my ass in the air to make him look at it. When I didn’t hear any sharp intake of breath of anything, I tried not to let it get to me. Wasn’t willing to give up yet. I was going to get to him!
With my bag ready to go, I opened the door and hopped down into the snow. Thankfully without falling.
“Holy shit, it’s cold. Why would people live in this?” My nose felt like it was starting to turn into a Popsicle.
“Never been in the cold?” Killian asked with his bag over his shoulder, leading us towards the front door of the elaborate cabin.
“Nope, never left Florida until last week.” Something in my answer actually made him stop walking and look at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now; whatever it was, the look on his face made me think he was looking at a unicorn with the awe in his eyes. Stupid, grumpy, untalkative man.
He recovered himself and started walking again. I couldn’t help the sigh that came from my lips. I longed to hear him speak. Read me a book or something.
The door opened up and the old man was there, waiting.
“Get that girl out of the cold!” He waved us in and I automatically smiled. The man could probably be my grandpa. He looked like he worked a lot in his day, had sweet, smile wrinkles around his eyes, and a grin that was very welcoming.
“Lucas Lonsello. Pleasure to meet you, Belle.” He had a French accent. I wondered what he said.
“Livia Jones. Thanks for letting me in.” I shook his hand and then he pulled me in for a hug. I was caught off guard by it, but then hugged him back. I was a hugger.<
br />
“I know you both must be famished from the drive. I made lasagna and garlic bread. Please, come eat.” He smiled and gestured for us to leave our bags by the door and come eat. I was pretty hungry so I followed like a puppy, salivating mouth and all.
Chapter Sixteen
Livia
My stomach was so stuffed with food I thought I would burst open. I yawned as I held onto Killian’s torso while he drove us via snowmobile to another cabin we were going to be staying in. Yep. Another cabin, that Killian wanted to stay in, versus being in the larger cabin with Mr. Lonsello. Though the man had all his family coming in the next day, so I was grateful that Killian opted for the quieter choice. We plowed through the snow for five minutes until we reached a way smaller cabin than the one behind us. This one was probably more a studio-like cabin. It was perfect!!
Killian parked the snowmobile right by the porch and waited for me to climb off first before getting off himself, except I slipped on the patch of ice that I didn’t see, and started to plummet towards the snow face first.
His strong arms reached out and snatched me back before I touched the ground, thus putting me right in his lap. Not sure he thought that one through. Our faces were inches apart, and the magnetism between our lips was alluring. My eyes met with his, and you could see him fighting it. Excitement soared inside me, seeing that in his stormy eyes, he wasn’t as disinterested as he was trying to seem. I knew it!
His hands gripped me tighter and anticipation of what he was going to do next was making me bite my lip from waiting.
Then he picked me up and set me on the ground, dashing my hopes.
I huffed my disappointment and went around the back of the snowmobile to untie my bag and his.
Long Drive Page 7
