Hollywood Sins

by N. K. Smith

  The first time around, we got into so much trouble. Liliana’s mother yelled because she’d written something about tongues, and Peter’s dad lectured us about respecting other people’s property, and the production crew . . . well, let’s just say they called us a bunch of names people shouldn’t call children.

  My mom went off on me in private, but she went ballistic on the crew. She screamed at the director, she yelled at the producers, and even phoned the studio to complain about what the crew said to us. Then she got more money out of the ordeal when she threatened to sue the production company for mistreatment of children.

  My mother railed against the nerve of those lowlife nobodies who dared to challenge one of the most highly paid child actors in the world. All during her tirade, Elsie had her arm around my shoulders, and when my mother wasn’t looking, she took a permanent marker and wrote on the wall: Death to tyrants!

  It made me smile, but now that I’m old enough to look back at it with some perspective, I think she was trying to warn me about my mother. Maybe she knew back then that my parents were stealing my money, and my mother was soiling my reputation with her irrational stage mom antics. The crew shouldn’t have said what they said, but my mother put a black mark next to my name for the way she treated everyone because of it. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you, but I guess she was good at that. But the fact was we were in the wrong.

  I mean, my friends and I did deface company property. We should’ve been told to stop. We should have paid for the damages, but because my mother spun it to garner more money for herself, we were left alone to color, doodle, and mark all of my trailers after that. Liliana and Peter stopped doing it on theirs, but since we’d been given the go ahead, we continued tagging mine with whatever tickled our fancy at the moment.

  Eventually, during our fourth film together, we all grew up enough to stop. It just wasn’t fun anymore, so we just started hanging up pictures and notes.

  I wish Lili and Peter were on this film with me now. Well, I mean, maybe not. It’s not like showing them how much I’d learned in my pole dancing class would impress them or make them think better of me. I guess I just wish I had them near so I could feel a part of something again.

  My cell buzzes, and I’m startled out of my thoughts. It’s a text from Elsie. She says she got held up with another client, but that she’ll make it to the set tomorrow. I don’t get it. I’m her biggest client and the most important one. She should be here.

  I toss the phone down and stretch my arms above my head. After a little bit, a knock sounds and the door opens. Lenny Waters steps through. “Hey there.”

  “Hey, Lenny. How’s it going?”

  He smiles as he sits down across from me. “Exciting stuff, right? First day shooting. We’ll get you into makeup soon, but it’ll be minimalistic since we’re shooting the downward spiral first.”

  The downward spiral, I assume, is the part of the script when my character starts sliding into a depression because a new stripper has taken the top spot at the club. “Okay, great,” I say.

  “So today you’ll be shooting with Nathan Ferguson.”

  Never heard of him. “Who?”

  “Oh, he was in the television pilot The One and Only.”

  Never heard of that either. “Oh. What’s his role in this one?”

  Lenny gives me a toothy smile. “He’s playing Simon Madison.”

  In an instant, my stomach knots, and I feel sick. “I thought Maxwell Lang was playing that role.”

  Lenny blinks as he pulls his brow together. “Max had to back out of the deal. Scheduling conflicts.”

  My expression must mirror my internal agony because Lenny is quick to reach out and put his hand on my knee. “No worries though, Nathan is a fine actor. He’s been screen tested and—”

  “Why didn’t I get a call? I should’ve been informed and maybe even been there during the screen test. What if we have zero chemistry?”

  Lenny’s frown deepens. “We called your manager. Elsie said you wouldn’t be interested in helping determine who would replace Max. She said as long as he had sex appeal, you didn’t mind who the part went to.” He gives my knee a squeeze and I shudder.

  “I haven’t seen this in the entertainment news. Why wasn’t it reported?”

  Lenny gives me a tight-lipped smile which is a clear indication that he’s not happy about whatever happened with Max. “Mr. Lang has excellent lawyers, but so do we. We negotiated that we’ll leak the news as soon as we’ve got a few scenes with Nathan in the bag. The story about the scheduling conflict will be released and say that Max handpicked Nathan as a replacement.”

  “Why would he handpick someone if he didn’t care about the role and chose what—”

  “He didn’t.” Lenny’s quick words and narrowed eyes tell me to stop asking questions. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I don’t know that people pull out of movies all the time and lies are created to make it sound like it’s advantageous for all parties.

  I dig my fingertips into my eyes and try to relax the tightening muscles in my neck and shoulders. Now, not only am I committed to starring in a movie about stripping, not only do I have a total of eight scenes where my breasts will be bared, not only am I here on the first day without my manager, but now the film doesn’t even have the backing of one of Hollywood’s heavyweights.

  I feel like I could throw up when he squeezes my knee again, as if to tell me everything will be okay. I’m used to Elsie making decisions on my behalf, as it’s what I pay her for, but I’m not thrilled that she didn’t bother telling me about this. Hopefully, it’s only this one thing. “Has anything else changed?”

  “Not at all, Adra. I know changes like that can throw actors off, but you’ll do great. Let’s get you to makeup.”

  I follow him out of my trailer. It’s going to be fine. I’m a big enough star to carry this movie, and who knows? Maybe Nathan will turn out to be the next big thing. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it now.

  Chapter 8

  Jesus! I’ve been nominated for a fucking Golden Reel! And for This of All Things no less! I mean, it’s been one of the best roles I’ve ever had, so my heart is doing flips, and I’m hyperventilating at the recognition. I mean, I probably won’t win, but still, this is major!

  Liliana’s nominated, too. This is exactly what we dreamed of when we were kids! I’m excited and proud of her, but I’m really tired of competing against her. And not to be self-centered or anything, but I think my performance was better. I just don’t know if anyone else thinks so.

  This is too surreal. I’m going to the Golden Reels again, but this time I’m going to as a nominee. I cannot wait. I’m worried about my body though. Even though Roman’s been managing my nutrition, I’ve still lost a crazy amount of weight and I don’t think I look good in anything anymore. But I guess I’ll deal with that when I talk to designers.

  Anyway! I’m nominated for my portrayal of a character with cerebral palsy. My performance got rave reviews (as noted in length in previous entries), but I never thought I’d be nominated for an award. Okay, okay, so I hoped I’d be nominated, but I didn’t ever believe it would happen!

  ***

  Smoothing down my hair is something I do when I’m nervous. My hair is just fine, considering all I did was move from the makeup chair set up in my bathroom to the couch in the living room. I picked this room to be filmed in because it has a ton of natural light.

  Ronnie Reynolds sits across from me. She’s the best celebrity interviewer in the world, and she’s in my house! She interviews all nominated actors during the awards season. After learning I was nominated for a Golden Reel award, Ronnie contacted Elsie, and here we are.

  “Ready?”

  I take a deep breath, smooth down my blond hair one more time and smile. I need to relax. “Let’s do it.”

  The camera operator counts down until Ronnie’s bright smile almost blinds me, and she begins. “I’m here at the home of former child sta
r turned young actress Adra Willows.” She turns her eyes from the camera behind me directly to me. “Thanks for having me.”

  “My pleasure, Ronnie.”

  “So, first things first. Congratulations on your recent Golden Reel nomination for Best Actress for This of All Things.”

  “Thank you.”

  “It must feel great to be recognized.”

  I smile and nod. “Absolutely. And to be nominated with those actresses! I mean, some of them are Hollywood legends and—”

  “And one of them is your good friend, Liliana Addison. How does that feel? Competing against your friend? A woman you’ve costarred with, who has had such a meteoric rise to the top?”

  I frown for a moment before I recover the smile I know everyone loves. “I don’t think it’s a competition at all.”

  Ronnie raises her eyebrows and presses her lips together. “Do you think you’re a shoo-in or is she the sure thing?”

  I expected the question about being up against Lili, so I give my practiced answer. “Actually, I think Rhonda Taggert is going to win, but I said it wasn’t a competition because Lili and I are friends, and friends don’t compete with each other. We push each other to be the best we can be, so I’ll be excited for her if she wins.”

  “But maybe a little disappointed for yourself?” Ronnie voice is rich and practiced. She’s not a member of the paparazzi club who shout all kinds of random and hurtful things to get a response. Her reputation as an interviewer is of a gentler, subtler probing for the juicy details. I’m surprised she went straight to the Liliana versus me thing.

  “Sure. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to win for This of All Things. That was a draining movie to make, and it would be gratifying to have something to show for it more than just the money it made, but Liliana’s performance in Unlikely Friendships was amazing.”

  I know in my heart that Lili and I are in competition, so I don’t want to end on how great she was in her nominated role. “I think This of All Things is one of the best performances I’ve given so far, so it would be an honor to find out I won for it. The character was complex and challenging, and probably the hardest role to play. I’m quite proud of it.”

  Ronnie puts her hands together and brings her two pointed index fingers up to tap against her chin. “Before we move on to your character in the movie, do you ever judge yourself against her? Against Liliana? You’ve said in other interviews that you and she are two different people with different acting styles who like different types of movies, but I can’t help but notice how often your movies are compared to hers. Just with these two films alone—This of All Things and Unlikely Friendships—the box office numbers were compared in a trade publications, even though they were released three months apart and aren’t even in the same genre. Do you think the media is creating this competition to exploit your friendship?”

  Not much needs to be said in response. She’s pretty much hit the nail on the head, but I know she wants a fuller answer than just yes. “I think the media is trying to sell magazines and gain advertising dollars. The media totally pits us against each other, but both Lili and I are mature enough not to let it affect our actual relationship.” The last part a lie, but I think it comes off sincere enough.

  “But do you ever think it should be you with her kind of international stardom?”

  I swallow as I consider how to answer something like that. I can’t come off as an asshole and get mad at the question, but I don’t want to be considered some kind of loser or Lili-wannabe either. “Well, I’m happy with the success I’ve had in my career. None of my movies have bombed, and most critics have been very kind in their reviews of my performance. As for Lili’s international stardom,” I use air quotes to highlight Ronnie’s term, “not everyone has had the luck she has. I mean, who knew Tortured Desires would be so popular or that it would become such a worldwide phenomenon.”

  “Didn’t you audition for the role of Maya? The role that went to Lili?”

  I look off to the side at Elsie. She uses an index finger to make an upside down arch over her mouth. Smile. She wants me to smile, so I do. Then she mouths, just let it roll off you.

  “Yes. I did audition for the role. It wasn’t luck that Lili got it. She got it because she was the absolute right person for the job. The luck I was referring to was that the world responded so well to it. I mean, it was a low budget film meant for teenagers to go see on the weekends, but it became so much more, you know?”

  “Well, Tortured Desires certainly spurred a lot of new teen romance movies, which are very unlike most of the movies you choose.”

  “Yes. I think Lili has chosen a lot of mainstream films lately, while I’ve been enjoying independent features. While I’ve certainly done mainstream films—like the one I just finished, The Last Hope—they are not what I’m most interested in.”

  “Do you think that limits you in the amount of success you’ll have in your career? Certainly critically acclaimed films have their place, but blockbusters can propel careers to unbelievable heights?”

  “That’s true, and like I’ve said, I have some under my belt, and I’m sure I’ll do more. I just can’t see myself signing for one of these trilogies that are basically the same film with slightly different plots. If I had gotten the Tortured Desires series, perhaps I’d feel differently, but I think it all worked out for the best. I mean, I am nominated for a Golden Reel for This of All Things.”

  “Let’s talk about your turn as Dana in This of All Things. What drew you to the role?”

  I want to answer by saying that Dana only had to take off her clothes in one locker room scene, but I know Ronnie and her viewers want a meatier answer. “It was a different type of character; a different kind of script. Dana was limited by her physical body, so the script had to show the vast inner world she lived in. Sure, she lived at home with overbearing parents and went to school with bullies who would never let her feel normal, but when she turned within, she found a world of beauty that no one could destroy.”

  Ronnie nods and looks like she’s considering this. “Overbearing parents? That cuts a bit close to home for you, doesn’t it?”

  The question is like a blow to the stomach, and I almost can’t respond. After a few moments of strained silence, I regain my composure. “That wasn’t why I took the part.”

  I can see Elsie out of the corner of my eye. Smile. Smile. But I can’t seem to make that happen at the moment.

  “Your estrangement from your parents was widely publicized. Your mother was outspoken about the terms of the settlement, and what did she call you?” Ronnie looked down at her notes, then back up at me. “A greedy little child who will never understand the depth of what she and your father gave up to make her dreams come true. You’ve never publicly addressed this. What do you think about those hurtful comments?”

  I force my lips to curve into a smile as I wonder why Ronnie’s being so tough. She’s known for being a bit soft on celebrities. Sure, she might throw out some hard-hitting questions but not back-to-back and not so relentlessly. But I can’t just ignore these questions or shut her down. I can’t come off as a tightlipped, angry young actress. I need to be more like Liliana. She’s very skillful at presenting herself to the world the way she wants to be seen.

  “I think that,” I say, then pause for a moment to sit up a little taller in my seat. “Those comments aren’t hurtful anymore. People only have the power to hurt you if you give it to them.”

  Again, Ronnie studies me. Everything is exaggerated for the camera. It’s not like this is real. It’s not like she’s running through possible responses or follow-up questions right now. She already knows what she wants to ask. When she speaks next, her voice is soft. “But what about back then? You were young, and I would suspect you had given your parents the power to hurt you. How did you—”

  “You want to know?” I clasp my fingers together in my lap, take a deep breath, and hope to hell what I’m about to say doesn’t come out as a w
hiny kid, but as an adult with perspective who has thought about all of this from different angles. “I don’t think an eight-year-old can determine the course a family takes. I may have thought acting was fun, but having a famous daughter was my mom’s dream. Even if my mother believes acting was my dream, it was up to me to pursue it. I think she might need to see a therapist to help her understand that young children can’t make those kinds of choices. I also don’t think an eight-year-old can really make a career in show business a reality without help, you know? She wanted me to be an actress, so she made it happen.”

  I shrug, making sure the action isn’t exaggerated enough to come off as fake to the viewers. “I mean, maybe I said once, ‘I want to be her,’ in reference to some character on the television, but I don’t think anyone can call that a legitimate dream to follow. She knows she forced me into pageants, and that lead to modeling and then acting.”

  “Is there even a small part of you that is grateful to her for setting your career in motion?”

  I purse my lips and raise my eyebrows. It’s not like other people haven’t tried to defend my mother to me, but I’ll be damned if Ronnie’s going to turn this whole thing around like I owe my mom anything. I open my mouth to respond, but Ronnie speaks before I can. “Let me clarify why I asked that. You are a talented actress, you’ve been nominated for a highly sought after award. Had your mother not pushed you into pageants, modeling, and acting, as you say, you wouldn’t be here.”

  “No,” I say with a clipped tone. “Who knows where I would be. While you can look at it like she did this great thing by launching my career, I don’t, but maybe that’s because I’m too busy trying to put back all the little pieces she broke within me. I mean, if she hadn’t gotten me into show business, maybe I’d be in grad school right now. Maybe I’d be working my way through an entry level position in a Fortune 500 company but destined to become the CEO in twenty years. Who knows?”