Full Circle

by Lynne, Donya

  “I’ll draw you a bath,” Mark said, trailing barely a step behind her on the stairs. He hadn’t stopped holding her hand since they left the hospital, not even in the car during the drive home.

  She was exhausted, but a bath sounded good. She caught his eye over her shoulder. “I’d like that.”

  They turned the corner and entered their bedroom.

  As he disappeared in the bathroom and started her bath, she went to the closet and changed out of her clothes, pulling her pink and cream robe around her.

  The scent of lavender greeted her as she stepped into the bathroom. Mark hadn’t just started her a bath, but a bubble bath. And the foam covering the water’s surface was as thick as insulation. Talk about an indulgence.

  He caressed her fingers without taking hold of her hand. “I’ll go make you some chamomile tea.”

  Before she could form a coherent response, he slipped out of the bathroom.

  She wasn’t sure what to make of this new Mark. He didn’t appear to be afraid anymore. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that made her think that, but it was . . . something. His energy, maybe. The crisp, clear focus of his eyes. The way he held his shoulders, taller, prouder, more self-assured. As if he had a purpose and was transforming back into the Mark who had sat down beside her at the blackjack table two years ago, brimming with confidence. Only this time, it wasn’t a façade.

  She eased into the large, oval Jacuzzi tub and sank into the foamy water with a sigh, closing her eyes as she leaned her head back on the rim. The water was the perfect temperature. Hot, but not scalding. Warmth seeped deep into her muscles.

  Mark returned a few minutes later, and she dragged her eyelids open as he set her cup of tea on the tub’s deck.

  “Mind if I join you?” His expression wasn’t sexual or suggestive. He simply looked as though he didn’t like being so far away from her, even if it was only a few feet.

  “No, I don’t mind.” She didn’t like being so far away from him, either.

  He undressed, tossed his clothes in the hamper around the corner from the vanity, then slipped in behind her as she scooted forward.

  The water sloshed and burbled around them as they got situated, and then his arms enveloped her. She relaxed into the cradle of his body.

  “Are you doing okay?” He rested the side of his head against hers.

  “I’m better now.”

  He was her haven. Her safe place.

  “It sounds like your dad’s going to be okay.”

  She nodded. “I was so scared I was going to lose him.” Strangely, her words held double meaning. Not only had she been scared she was going to lose her dad, but Mark, too. She’d almost lost the two most important men in her life in one day.

  His arms coiled more securely around her. “You won’t lose him.”

  Did his words hold double meaning, too?

  For a while, they remained silent, holding each other, breathing together, finding their way back to one another.

  “I’m sorry for how I behaved last week,” he said softly. “It wasn’t you. None of it was you.”

  The corners of her mouth lifted, but she didn’t say anything. Just nestled more firmly against him.

  He caressed her arm under the water. “When I saw Carol and Antonio last weekend, it threw me. I wasn’t expecting to see them there. They weren’t on the attendee list.” His scruffy cheek rubbed against hers. “What I did to you after . . .”

  “Mark, it’s okay. I’m not mad, anymore.”

  “No, I need to say this, Karma.” His embrace strengthened. “The way I was with you . . . the way we had sex . . . that never should have happened. I wanted to make love to you, not fuck you. Not use you.” He shook his head. “I never want to use you.”

  “Sometimes you just need that release,” she said. “And I’m okay with that.”

  “Well, I’m not.” He brushed his lips against her temple. “You’re too precious to be treated like that. And you are not a conduit to connect me to my past. Okay? At no time during having sex with you did I ever see Carol instead of you. I never once imagined that you were her. I knew exactly who I was having sex with, which was why I reacted so badly. I hated myself for letting that happen. For letting myself take without giving. That’s why I got sick. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. That’s why I couldn’t look you in the eye. Because I was ashamed. And then I was afraid I was going to lose you, which just made me feel even guiltier, and then I spiraled out of control.” He squeezed her. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for making you think you were just a connection to Carol and that I wanted her, not you. Because I don’t want her, Karma. From the moment we met, you became the only woman I could ever want for the rest of my life, and I hate that my actions upset you.”

  Mark was nothing if not an eloquent apologizer.

  She rolled her head on his chest, angling her face toward his. “And I’m sorry for blowing up at you the way I did. I hadn’t been sleeping, and all the insecurity from my past came back, and the combination sent me off the deep end. Lisa helped give me some much-needed perspective, and then when my dad . . .” She closed her eyes as the image of her dad clutching his chest on the kitchen floor slammed into her mind.

  “Ssshhh.” He rocked her.

  But just as he’d needed to get all of his apology out, so did she. “Thinking he might die made me realize what was really important, Mark.” She lifted her head and looked at him. “After praying he would be okay, all I could think about was you. I just wanted you. You’re my rock.”

  “And you’re mine.” He gently kissed her.

  Then she settled against him once more, letting the warm water and lavender bubbles seep into her skin, her mind flickering over the events of the past two days. Mark had left for Chicago on Friday as one man and had returned home as another.

  “You’re different,” she said.

  “Different?”

  She turned her head so they were looking at each other again. “Yes.”

  “Different how?”

  “I don’t know. It just feels like something’s changed.”

  His expression softened into one of pure love. “Something has changed.”

  * * *

  Her delicate eyebrows twisted in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  He glanced down at the layer of bubbles and shifted beneath the water so his legs wrapped around the top of hers as if he were shackling her. Then he met her gaze again.

  By now, she had to know why he’d gone to Chicago. She was too smart not to. Even so, he needed to tell her.

  “I went to see Carol.”

  As expected, she didn’t seem surprised.

  “And . . . ?”

  “I gave her the rings and the necklace. I don’t want them, anymore. I don’t need them. I have everything I need right here. And I won’t let anything take you away from me, not even my own fears.”

  The jewelry had been like a talisman, holding him in the past, influencing him through fear, its presence a constant force working against him. No more. By ridding himself of the rings and necklace, he’d rid himself of what they symbolized. Failure, fear, and heartache.

  “You know what’s so amazing?” He touched the side of his forehead to hers.

  “What?” She turned slightly toward him.

  “I spent two hours with Carol and Antonio. Two hours getting to know them and their adorable little girl, Krissy. And she is adorable.” He smiled, and Karma smiled with him. “But in two hours, we released so much leftover . . .” He paused, searching for the right word. “Guilt,” he said a moment later. “Guilt and regret and shame.” He sighed. “If only we’d talked years ago. If only she and I had faced all this a long time ago, maybe you and I wouldn’t have gone through so much hell.”

  She pulled away and turned to face him. “Mark, I wouldn’t trade a moment of what we’ve shared.”

  He frowned. How could she say that about the roller coaster ride of their relationship? He hadn’
t made things easy for her. He’d hurt her, left her, made her feel inferior.

  “Karma—”

  “Sshh.” She pushed her way onto his lap, placing her warm, wet hand on his cheek. “We wouldn’t be who we are today—as a couple, I mean—if any one thing about our time together had been different.”

  “But I almost lost you. Twice. I let you go after falling in love with you.” The backs of his eyes prickled. He wasn’t used to showing his feelings, but the last twenty-four hours had tapped out his emotional stamina. “It’s only by the grace of God I got you back. And then Friday . . . I thought you were gone. I thought I’d lost you for good. I—”

  She placed her wet, lavender-scented fingertips over his lips. “You never lost me.”

  He blinked several times, searching her eyes. He’d won the lottery when he’d found Karma. She was the most remarkable, most understanding, most forgiving woman he’d ever known aside from his mom.

  “I love you,” she said. “I’ve never stopped loving you. In the year you were gone, I tried to, but I couldn’t. You were everywhere I looked. You were in my every thought. Even when I was with Brad, it was you I saw when I kissed him. You I felt when he touched me. It was always you.” She rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes. The gesture made his heart swell, full of love and honor . . . peace. “And Friday . . .” He wanted to put Friday behind them, probably as much as she did. “Friday’s in the past.” She slid her arms around his shoulders as he wrapped his around the small of her back. “We don’t have to have a big, fancy wedding. I just want you, Mark. However I can have you. We can go to the Justice of the Peace. We can go to Vegas. We can wear jeans and T-shirts for all I care. If that makes it easier for you, then let’s do that. Let’s not make this a big deal, because all that matters is that I love you. Who cares about a big fancy wedding with a big expensive cake and—”

  “I do.”

  She abruptly halted and pushed away. “What?” Her eyebrows furrowed, wrinkling the skin over the bridge of her nose.

  He brushed his palms up her arms. “I care, Karma.” He had no interest in diminishing their wedding . . . or putting it off any longer. “I want the big wedding. I want the big, expensive, overly flamboyant cake. I want the church. I want a dozen bridesmaids and a dozen groomsmen if that’s what you want. I want to stand at the head of the aisle, in front of God and everyone, as I wait to become your husband. I want to lose my breath when I see you in your wedding dress for the first time. I want to see you smile under your veil in that way you do that makes my heart beat just a little harder. And I want to say vows with you and dance with you at our reception. With you, Karma. I want to dance with you and cherish you for the rest of our lives. Will you let me do that?”

  As he revealed his heart, Karma’s eyes misted over, her tears balancing on her lower rims as she covered her mouth with one hand and nodded.

  “Is that a yes, Miss Mason?”

  She let out a tender sob and threw her arms around his shoulders. “Yes.”

  He held her for what felt like a very long time but not nearly long enough. Then he pushed her back, helped her from the tub, and dried her off before wrapping her robe around her.

  In the bedroom, after changing into their pajamas, he eased her down to sit on the edge of the bed, fished the ring from the pocket of his jeans, then got down on one knee in front of her.

  “Officially this time,” he said, ready to make their love forever. “I have a question for you, Miss Mason.”

  She trembled, holding her breath as she bit her bottom lip.

  “Will you marry me? Will you be mine forever and let me be yours? No more fear? No more walls between us?”

  She nodded, obviously too emotional to speak as he slipped her engagement ring back on her finger.

  Back where it belonged.

  And this time, he was ready. This time nothing held him back.

  This time really was forever.

  Chapter 38

  To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

  -George MacDonald

  The diamond caught what little light filtered into the bedroom through the window, sparkling like her own personal star. She couldn’t stop staring at it, her hand resting on his chest.

  “I can’t sleep,” she whispered.

  Too much had happened in the last twenty-four hours to allow sleep, even though exhaustion pulled at her body, as well as her mind. Her dad, Mark’s return, her re-engagement. Her brain wanted her to fall into dream land, but her spirit wanted to dance.

  “Neither can I.” He shifted and turned on the light on his nightstand then secured her in his arms again.

  “I’m too happy to sleep.” She snuggled against him. “My dad’s going to be fine. You’re back. What more could I want?”

  If she’d been happy before, she was practically ecstatic now. She’d forgotten all about the very thing that had upset her so much to begin with.

  “Well, there is one thing left for us to discuss.” He reached behind him and grabbed his phone from his nightstand. “Might as well make use of our insomnia and do it now.”

  “What’s that?”

  He rolled his head toward her and kissed her forehead then pressed his lips to hers. “Set our wedding date.”

  She smiled against his mouth. “Okay, Mr. Strong.” She kissed him again. “I’ve been thinking about this already. How about September? That gives us plenty of time to plan and—”

  He shook his head. “September’s not soon enough.”

  A shiver rattled up and down her spine at the decisive glint in his eye. “Well then . . .” Her voice whispered between her lips. “What did you have in mind?”

  He grinned. Tiny laugh lines broke around his eyes. “June, Miss Mason. I want June.”

  “June?” Her mouth fell open. “That’s, like, only a month away!”

  “Not if we shoot for the end of the month.”

  “Still, that’s barely only two months. How are we going to pull off a big wedding in two months?”

  “Anything’s possible when you throw enough money at it.”

  She smirked. “And I suppose that’s what you plan on doing?”

  He rolled onto his side, facing her. “I do.” His eyes opened wide as he sucked in his breath, making an O with his mouth. “See what I did there? I said, ‘I do.’ I’m practicing.”

  Mark had never spoken so lightheartedly about getting married.

  “Are you okay?” She pressed her palm to his forehead.

  He laughed then pulled her against him, sighing as he buried his nose in her hair. “I’m not sick.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m just ready to marry you, Karma.”

  She smiled against his chest. “That must have been some two-hour conversation you had with Carol and Antonio.”

  “You could say that.”

  “It feels like you’ve let go of a burden.”

  “I have. One I’ve been carrying far too long.” His hold tightened. “Now it’s just you and me. No more Carol. No more fear. No more panic.” He patted her rump. “And I want to get married. The sooner the better. So, let’s set that date.” He released her and rolled to his back, lifting his phone and opening his calendar to June.

  She shimmied up against him and rested her head on his shoulder as he scanned through the weeks to the end of the month.

  “If you want a Saturday, we’re looking at either the twenty-second or the twenty-ninth,” he said.

  She shrugged. “If we can get a Saturday in June, either day works for me.”

  His index finger pointed back and forth between the two days as if he were playing eenie-meenie-miney-moe in his head. “How about the twenty-ninth, but we keep the date open? That way, if we find a venue that’s available on the twenty-second, we can grab it.”

  She lifted her head and set her chin on his chest. “I think we have a date, Mr. Strong.”

  His gaze drove deep into hers. So deep she could feel the love pour from his so
ul into hers. “I can’t wait to be your husband, Karma. To start a new journey together as husband and wife.”

  She swirled her fingertips over his chest. “This new you is going to take some getting used to.”

  “Well, get used to it, because I’m not afraid anymore.”

  This was the Mark she’d fallen in love with, with one exception. He was all hers. And his confidence was real, not a mask hiding a secret fear.

  Carol no longer haunted his memories. Her shadow no longer fell over his face. She was gone for good.

  “What did you and Carol say to one another that brought about such a drastic change?”

  He reclined once more against his pillows. “It was simple, really.” He shook his head as though he couldn’t believe how simple it had been. “We both just . . .” He blew out a cleansing exhale. “Apologized.” He set his phone back on his nightstand. “She had been holding on to guilt, and I’d been holding on to resentment. Once we both apologized and forgave the other, the smoke cleared.” He frowned as he turned his gaze to the ceiling. “Actually, that’s not entirely true. The moment I realized she’d been living in her own self-imposed hell the same way I had, even if hers manifested differently than mine, all the resentment I’d been carrying all these years just sort of evaporated.” He met her gaze again. “The reality was that we were both too young to get married. We started dating and, after a while, thought we had to get married. Like we couldn’t possibly have grown apart and were only meant to be temporary stops in our journey to find The One. Instead of seeing that neither of us was right for the other, we tried to force it. And then she was too afraid of telling me she didn’t love me, anymore, and really . . .” He rolled his eyes at himself. “I was too one-track-minded to have listened. I wasn’t a good listener in those days and probably would have convinced her to still marry me, and then we both would have been miserable, because she still would have loved Antonio and would have been seeing him in secret.” He shifted so he faced her again. “You know, the three of us had dinner while I was there, and it was actually . . .”