"Nobody does."
"Malavida is more than either of us thought when we picked him up at Lompoc. Aside from being handsome and smart, he's loyal and brave… but I don't love him."
"Karen-"
"Will you just shut up and let me do this? Okay?"
He fell quiet, waiting for her to finish. "I think I knew I was falling in love with you from the beginning. I told myself I wasn't. You aren't what my father would have picked. But I think it's time I started picking what I want. I didn't want to settle down… I was programmed to be my father's little genius. Live his dream. But I've learned something through all this: The demon chasing me isn't boredom, it's the lack of true commitment. I know now I don't need thrills, I need substance. I was trying to hold on to my old routine because it was all I knew. I was afraid of my feelings. So I used Malavida to try and destroy any chance I had with you."
Lockwood thought she looked beautiful in the orange light of the setting sun. He would have liked to find out what they could've had together, but he needed to take care of Heather before worrying about himself. The only thing he knew for certain was that the timing was wrong.
"No go, huh?" she said softly.
"If I'm ever going to be what I want to be, I have to stop breaking promises to the people I love…" It was all he could say. It was the only thing that still made sense to him.
The next day he flew to Minnesota. Rocky and Marge looked at him with distrust as he picked up his daughter and left on the next flight for Northern California.
They rented a white Ford pickup in San Francisco and drove along the coast to Drakes Bay. The road was wide and the day was bright, and they sat side by side on the front seat of the truck and sang: "Oh, give me a home where the hippos all roam, and Heather and the antelope play…" Lockwood and Heather smiled broadly as they sang, but they were both missing Claire.
The farm where Lockwood was going to be the caretaker was large and rustic. He had been hired because of a recommendation given over the phone by Bob Tilly. From the hill where the caretaker's house was situated, they could see the blue-gray Pacific Ocean in the distance. There were fifty acres of pear trees, and Lockwood was instructed on how to handle all of the equipment by the grizzled old man who had run the farm but was retiring. Lockwood was told that during the canning season, contractors would come in with crews and pick the crop for him. All he had to do was test the soil, make sure there was enough water, and light the smoke pots during a freeze. He got Heather enrolled in the Drakes Bay Elementary School and they settled into a life that was peaceful and quiet. Several times he found himself thinking of Karen. He finally decided she had been the right woman at the wrong time, but he pushed those thoughts away. He had broken his promises to Claire over and over. He knew she was up there watching and he didn't want to disappoint her again. On weekends he and Heather shopped around for a horse. They ended up buying a four-year-old gaited mare with a quiet disposition. Heather named her "Miss Muffet."
Two months later, Claire released him.
When the dream started, he was walking in a desert. He was alternately too hot and too cold… Then he came upon an oasis. Claire was waiting there. She was standing in front of a house and she led him inside. When he sat down, he could see that it was Rocky's living room. They sat on the faded print furniture. In the dream, Claire held his hand. She was even more beautiful than before. Her blond hair had grown long again, the way it had been when he met her.
"You can't be a good father if you're half a man," she told him. Her blue eyes looked at him with the same love that he had seen when they first married. "You tried to do the right things but I expected too much," she told him. "The things that shaped you, you couldn't control, and they drove us apart. But I will always love you, John. Always. I'm in a better place, darling. I can look down and see your pain. Whatever you do for yourself, you'll be doing for me. I know you won't ever again break your promises to Heather. Just don't break your promises to yourself."
When he awoke, he lay still in bed. He could hear the wind blowing through the cypress trees outside the house. The dream had been so vivid that he was startled by it. Claire's voice had been so clear, exactly the way he remembered it. He listened to the wind and the sound of the leaves rustling.
He got out of bed but became angry at himself. The dream was his own subconscious attempting to free him. He had taken so much from Heather and Claire; now was his time to give back. But in his heart he was lonely.
He heard a noise coming from Heather's room and slowly moved down the hall. He looked in. The light was on and he could see her sitting at her desk, writing in her school binder. She turned and saw him. "Oh, Daddy, just a minute, I want to put this all down…" she said, as she continued writing.
He entered the room. "Pumpkin, you should be asleep." He went to her and sat on the edge of the bed. "You have to get up early and feed Miss Muffet before school."
"I know… It's just… I had this incredible dream and I wanted to write it all down so I wouldn't forget," she said. Then she closed her binder and looked at him. "It was Mommy. She came to see me," Heather said. "She was just like before, Daddy. She was so beautiful. Her hair was long and, in the dream, she held my hand."
"What did she say?" Lockwood had a lump in his throat. "She told me you were in pain. Is that true, Daddy?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes I am. But I'll get better. We both will."
"She said that she loved us and that we had to let her move on. It was so clear, Daddy. So clear… like she was right in the room with me."
"I know," Lockwood said softly.
He took Heather's hand and led her across the room to her bed. He tucked her in and then leaned down and kissed her. Heather held him for a long time.
"Daddy," she finally said, "she wants you to be happy."
Lockwood turned off the light, went downstairs, and called Karen.
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Final Victim Page 33
