Shy Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  After a few very uncomfortable moments, Adrian is the first to speak. “Keegan… did you just fart?”

  Keegan simply shrugs and turns to Gemma and I. “Come on, don’t look so shocked. You knew this was going to happen, what with all the time we spend with them.” She continues smiling and looks to the guys. “I fart. Girls fart. Get over it.”

  Neither Kade nor Max speaks. Actually, I’m pretty sure they are holding their breath, concerned that Keegan’s ass created more than just sound.

  Adrian jumps to his feet, eyes wide, shaking his head. “I can’t fucking do this anymore,” he says, just before he practically runs out of kitchen and into his bedroom. After just a few seconds he returns with something in his hand. He rushes around the table and drops to his knees next to Keegan. She looks down at him, the questions clear on her face.

  Adrian reaches up and takes one of her hands. “I know I told you I wasn’t going to propose yet, but holy shit, Keegan. You just farted, out loud, in front of our friends, while we were eating lunch.” He lifts her hand and kisses the back of it. “I started to fall in love with you the first time you mentioned the zombie apocalypse. I fell a little more when you stuck a metal object in toaster while it was plugged in, and just now, I fell completely in love with you.” He lifts his other hand, showing Keegan a cheap pink ring with what looks like skull and crossbones on it. “I picked this out after you stuck a knife in the toaster.” Adrian’s smile gets wide when he looks from the ring back up to Keegan. “Keegan Marie Hughes, will you marry me sometime in the far-off future?”

  As Adrian stares at her with awe in his eyes, Keegan stares back like he has lost his mind. “You are one seriously fucked-up individual. You know that, right?”

  Adrian just nods.

  Keegan’s expression changes to one of curiosity. “Do I have to have sex with you?”

  Adrian shakes his head and answers instantly, “Not for at least two months.”

  What the hell? It’s like he had that answer planned out. I can’t pull my eyes away from the train wreck happening right in front of me.

  Keegan looks down at the ring, then back up to Adrian, and shrugs. “Whatever.” Then she turns back around to finish her lunch.

  Adrian stands, lifts her chin with his thumb, and kisses her like they have been dating for months. “I have to get to class. Love you, babe.” Then he grabs his backpack and walks out the front door.

  While Keegan eats her lunch, the rest of us look around the room, waiting for someone else to speak first.

  Gemma tries. “Um, Keegan…” is all she can manage.

  I decide words will get us nowhere, so I reach over and smack her across the back of her head. Keegan sputters. “What the fuck was that for?”

  Seriously? “Keegan, do you not see how the last fifteen minutes were like an episode of The Twilight Zone?” I throw both my hands up. “Sweet Zombie Jesus, you just accepted a proposal! From Adrian!”

  Keegan shrugs as she rubs the back of her head. “It was kind of sweet.”

  “Keegan, he asked you to marry him because you farted in a room full of other people,” I remind her. I glance around the room to be sure I am not the only one who thinks this is crazy. Sure enough, Kade, Max, and Gemma are all nodding their heads in agreement.

  Keegan looks at me, and with complete sincerity she says, “I’m pretty sure I could do worse than a guy who tells me he has fallen in love with me because of all my negative qualities.”

  The truth in her statement causes me to flinch. I look around the room again to see that everyone has stopped nodding and now they all look thoughtful.

  Kade reaches over and grabs Keegan’s hand. “I have never heard a truer statement. We should be loved because of our flaws, not in spite of them.” He releases her hand, leans back in his chair, and meets my eyes. Then he winks at me.

  Keegan breaks our moment by finally showing her true self again. “Let me be clear. I have no intention of marrying that pencil penis. I’m just going to enjoy playing the cute couple and having makeout sessions whenever I get bored.” We all groan, and a couple of us gag. With a wink, she adds, “Don’t knock it. He is a surprisingly good kisser.”

  That is our cue to evacuate the premises.

  Chapter 16

  That evening when Kade is cuddled into my bed again, my back to his front, he pulls me close and interlocks our fingers, which is something he does every night.

  “Why do you do that?” I ask, lifting our hands.

  I feel him shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I just like to keep you as close as I can.”

  I smile, even though he can’t see me.

  “Did you know that sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart?” he asks.

  “Yes, Kade, actually I did know that,” I lie.

  “Really?” He sounds incredibly surprised, as if no one ever replies with that answer.

  “No, Kade. I did not know that.”

  After a few minutes of comfortable silence, he asks, “What do you want to do? You know, when you grow up.”

  “Where is this coming from?” I ask, curious where his mind is wandering now.

  “I was filling out some paperwork today, for my plans, and it made me think of you.”

  Um… what? He was working on his future plans and he thought of me?

  “Well, I haven’t thought that far,” I tell him honestly. “What about you? What was the paperwork for?” He pauses for a long time, so I finally roll around to face him. I can tell by his expression he is considering whether he should tell me. “Come on,” I say, trying to coerce the answer from him.

  He bites the inside of his cheek and draws in a dramatic breath. This means he has come to a decision.

  “Okay, but please don’t let this change anything between us. The only other people who know this are Max and Adrian, because people act weird when I tell them.”

  Now I’m extremely curious. “Okay,” I promise, having no idea what I’m agreeing to.

  “I’m going into the FBI,” he states, very matter-of-fact, as if he didn’t just drop a brick on my heart.

  Confused, I state, “But you’re a computer geek.”

  He laughs and I want to punch him. Can he not see how this ruins everything?

  “Yes, computer science is my major, but I’ve got a minor in criminal justice. I want to be a computer analyst for the FBI. I did an internship with them, over this past summer, and it was amazing. They actually let us be involved with real cases. Anyway, the paperwork was my application. My supervising agent from the internship said I’ll have no problem getting in, as long as I stay clean this year.”

  I can almost see all the pieces fall into place. “You don’t drink. You don’t go to parties. You don’t get mixed up with the wrong people.”

  “Exactly. I decided in high school that this was what I wanted to do, so I started making changes in my life. I don’t want there to be any obstacles when I begin the application process next spring.” His voice reveals his excitement.

  “Obstacles?” I ask, not sure I want the answer.

  As if he can feel me pulling away, Kade reaches for my arm and lays it across his chest, then he caresses it with his fingers. “Part of the process is a very extensive background check, which includes family and close friends. So, if I were to associate with people who have run-ins with the law, even minor things like drugs possession, that would reflect poorly on me. I had to pass the security clearance for the internship, which meant they looked into my friends at that time. Adrian was nervous as hell.”

  Of course he was nervous. Who wouldn’t be a little twitchy having the FBI look into your past—especially when you’re hiding a murder back there! Crap, I need to calm down. Kade can probably feel my heart pounding against his side. I need to keep him talking until I can collect myself.

  “So, that’s your plan huh? Right out of college… straight to secret covert operations,” I say, sounding like a dipshit.

  Kade doesn�
�t seem to notice. “Yep. That’s the only plan I’ve ever had, and this past summer made it feel so real. I can finally put all this useless information to good use,” he says, tapping his head.

  I try to laugh, but it’s a pretty bad attempt.

  “So, I told you mine. What do you see in your future?”

  Not you for much longer.

  “Lots of horses. You know how single women collects cats? Well, I’ll collect horses instead.” I just made that up but I’m thinking it sounds pretty accurate.

  “So… you don’t want to get married?” Kade asks.

  “Have you met me? I don’t exactly have the most positive thoughts on relationships.”

  “And why is that? I mean, look at Keegan and Adrian.”

  I let out a long sigh. “Kade, in case you haven’t noticed, I live in a different world from all of you. I don’t believe in unicorns and leprechauns.” I can’t help the bitterness in my voice.

  I feel Kade’s soft chuckle. “I don’t think you have to believe in mystical creatures to believe in love.” After a pause, he goes on. “Actually, a hunter in Slovenia recently shot a roe deer which had a rare deformity. It had only one antler, which protruded from the top of its head, resembling a unicorn. Of course, it’s not likely that the deer had magical powers like the mythical unicorn.”

  “Of course,” I say dryly. Sometimes his tidbits of worthless information are cute—now is not one of those times. “Anyway, what do you think will happen between Keegan and Adrian? Do you think they’re going to start treating each other with kindness, go on typical dates, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after?”

  Kade’s expression becomes more concerned. “If that’s what they want, then yes, I believe that can happen.”

  “So you still believe in fairytales?” I laugh sardonically.

  “No, fairytales are overrated, but I do believe in love.”

  I give in, leaning back so that he can see my face. “I’m not going to suddenly believe that I can a have happily ever after. There are things in my life that are out of my control, things that prevent me from being able to see a future.”

  I watch the muscle in his jaw as he clenches his teeth and stares into my watery eyes. “Then tell me what it is. Even if it can’t be changed, at least I know what I’m up against.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t, and besides, it doesn’t matter. You are going to go on to be a super agent, and I’m going to live with a herd of horses. Those two paths don’t intersect.”

  He leans his forehead down until it’s resting on mine, and he pulls in a long, tired breath. “Shy, we have to fix your fucked-up line of thinking.”

  I push at his shoulders with both my hands. “I don’t want you to fix me. As a matter of fact, I don’t want you here. Go back to your place, please.”

  He pulls back far enough that I can see the smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He’s fucking laughing? I don’t get this guy. I try to push him away, but it’s like he doesn’t hear anything I say.

  He leans down and kisses the end of my nose. “Damn, you’re cute when you’re trying to be mean.” He drops onto his side, uses his hands to turn me so that I’m facing away from him again, then wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against his chest. I feel him kiss the back of my head. “Go to sleep, Filly. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  I hate Kade Cross. At least that’s what I tell myself. Then I wonder: of all the people in this stupid town, how did I find the one guy who is trying to avoid obstacles to getting into the FBI?

  Chapter 17

  I wake up tucked against Kade’s side. After a few moments of clarity I remember our conversation last night. I need to get out of here immediately, before he does that thing with his thumb that makes me forget everything. I lift his arm and wiggle out just before he wakes and realizes what’s happening.

  I’m standing at my dresser digging for clothes when I hear his sleep-dazed voice. “Come back, Shy. Please stop running.”

  I cringe at his perfect interpretation of what I am doing. I don’t disagree, because what’s the point. “I need to get to the barn.”

  He sighs loudly then drops back into the bed. “I’ll go with you,” he says, sounding like he already knows the answer.

  I give him the answer he expects. “I need time alone. I need time to think.” I turn and lean against my dresser, looking at Kade lying in my bed. “Stop looking at me like that.”

  He sighs. “Like what, Shyanne? Please, tell me how I look.”

  “Condescending. Like I’m overreacting.”

  “Well…”

  “Jackass,” I mutter as I turn back to the dresser, searching frantically for what I need. I hear him get up from the bed, then I feel his hands at my waist and his mouth at my ear.

  “I’m sorry, Filly. I was just teasing, but I can see you’re not in a teasing mood.”

  I close my eyes and relax into him. “No, I’m not.”

  He places a kiss on my shoulder then places his chin over the kiss. That simple, yet intimate, gesture feels so natural.

  “You go get your therapy so that tonight we can talk this out without you feeling the need to run. We are going to talk tonight. No negotiations. Agreed?”

  I look away and stand, unable to agree with his non-negotiation. I grab a pair of jeans from my dresser. “I’m going to change, then head out.”

  ***

  On my way to the barn I text Ryder, asking if he’ll be around later. I need to talk this out with him. He’ll understand how Kade’s career goals and my current situation do not mix. I get a text right back confirming he is in town and will meet at his house for lunch.

  The morning at the barn is a disaster. My mind is filled with a giant whiteboard showing all the ways this relationship with Kade doomed, so I’m not focused on my job. Halfway through the barn, I realize I’ve given the wrong feed to almost every horse. I had planned to work with Tanner today, but I decide that may lead to loss of limb. So after all the horses are out, I spend my free time with Walker.

  When I get to Ryder’s, I let myself through the back door. Ryder is leaning against the wall in the kitchen, talking on the phone. I pace the length of the kitchen, waiting for him to end the call. As soon as I hear him say goodbye, I stop and face him.

  “He wants to go into the FBI,” I yell.

  With a tilt of his head, Ryder says, “Well, hello, Shyanne. It’s good to see you too.”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”

  He laughs, kinda hard. “Me?” When I give him a nasty look he clears his throat. “Okay, I’m sorry. Please, tell me why this is so upsetting to you.”

  I walk to the living room and drop onto the couch, with probably a little more drama than necessary. “He has lived his life, for the past eight years, avoiding anything that could be an obstacle in his security clearance for the job.”

  Ryder follows me, opting to sit in the chair furthest from me. “And?”

  I whip my head towards him. “I’m and obstacle—a huge obstacle,” I yell, pointing both hands at my chest.

  “Okaaaay,” he says, dragging out the word. “I think you may be overreacting.”

  “Oh my gosh, Ryder. How do you not see this? I’m in the witness protection program because I killed a man. Kade said the application process, which will begin as soon as he graduates, includes research into his closest friends and family.”

  Ryder interrupts. “Okay, slow down. First, you’re jumping way ahead. Assuming the two of you are together in eight months, your file cannot be seen by the FBI. If they look you up, they will see the past the Marshal Service has created for you.”

  Hmm, I guess that’s true. Kade and I aren’t even in a real relationship right now, so why would I be thinking about eight months from now? I purse my lips, trying to remember my other concerns. Unable to think of any, I continue with the first one.

  “What if they give me a lie detector test? No way I would pass one of those. I’m lucky if I remembe
r my fake parents’ names, let alone the rest of the past they created.”

  Ryder raises a brow. “Really, Shy? A lie detector?” He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “What are you really worried about, baby?”

  “What? Nothing… that’s why I needed to talk to you. Kade told me about this last night and I freaked. I mean, I don’t want to interfere with something he has worked so hard for. I think I should put some distance between us.”

  Ryder just stares at me, saying nothing.

  After a few seconds of this, I ask, “What? Say something. Don’t you agree?”

  “I’m not making it that easy for you Shyanne.” He shakes his head and leans back, getting comfortable for the speech I see coming. “Here’s what I think.”

  Here we go.

  “I think you like him. I think Kade was talking about his future last night and maybe said something about you being in it.”

  How the hell?

  Ryder’ s not done with his mind reading session. “When he starting talking long-term, you freaked. You don’t like to think about long-term with anyone, not even friends, because that means you care about them. So you realized you’ve let your guard down and you’ve let him in. Now you want to push him back out.”

  Damn, I hate his ninja mind reading abilities.

  “Whatever,” I say, slouching back into the chair.

  “Tell me I’m wrong,” Ryder challenges.

  I scrub my face then gesture frantically. “I’m going to have to move, and you know that. Something will happen, and I’ll have to be relocated. Then what? I’ll tell you what. I’ll lose everyone again. So, yes, I don’t like thinking about the future because I have no control over it.”

  Ryder gets up to sit next to me on the couch. “You’re right, that could happen, but you can’t live your life waiting for it to happen. There is a chance you’ll never have to be relocated, and there’s a chance Marco could be caught next week. So, you to decide how you are going to live the life you have now. Are you going to embrace it, or are you going to hide from it?”

  I know hiding is safe, but is safe how I want to keep living?