Shy Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

Although I should probably be glad this meeting is over, I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness. He said everything a father should say, and acted completely selfless. This is the dad I wanted when I was a teenager, and now I have him. Accepting what I feel for him right now, and refusing to analyze it, I grab the folder and run out the door. I see him in the parking lot, so I yell to get his attention. When he looks up, and sees me running toward him, I can see the confusion on his face.

  I don’t slow my momentum as I barrel into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. With his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, I allow the tears to fall freely now.

  “I always loved you too, Dad,” I say between breaths. “Even though there were days that I hated you for not saving me, I always loved you.”

  The sound of his sobs and mine mix together as we hold each other, for the first time, looking forward instead of back.

  “Baby girl, you are the most amazing person I have ever known.”

  Chapter 41

  It’s day fifty-two of life number three. It’s also Christmas Eve. Angie has offered to let Ryder and me join her family for Christmas dinner tomorrow. This will be the first time in many years that I will celebrate Christmas with a family. I’m really starting to love life number three.

  Although I can say that I have made a lot of progress, there are some days that I still just focus on breathing. It’s been almost two months since the day Kade walked out of the barn, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. Many times I’ve come close to driving to the duplex to beg him to forgive me for not being strong enough. I want to show him that I’m better, and that I’m starting to accept who I am, flaws and all. I think about going, and I’ve even gotten in my car, but then I think about the pain I would feel if he tells me he no longer loves me. Although I’m stronger, I don’t think I could handle Kade Cross telling me goodbye again.

  So, yes, there are days that I miss Kade and days that I miss Walker, and I look at my tattoo, and just breathe.

  As I’m leaving the barn after checking on Espy, I see Angie running towards me. She is bundled tight in her winter barn coat, hat, and gloves.

  “Hey, I got something today that I think you’ll be excited to have.” She holds out an envelope, grinning.

  “What is it?” I ask, as I reach for the letter.

  Angie’s smile reaches her eyes. “Espy’s papers.”

  I blink in shock. “How did you get her papers? She was a rescue!” Registration papers, for a rescue horse, are virtually impossible to locate. It’s like getting a dog from the pound. You have no idea who owned it before, so learning its breed and history is just a guessing game.

  “I went through an agency to get her, since I had no idea what I was doing. Anyway, the agency has been doing large animal rescue for years, and they often help the police with animal cruelty cases, so the assholes go to jail. In Espy’s case, the owners did go to court. All the documents were seized during the arrest. The case against them just ended, and the agency called me to see if we wanted her papers.” Angie is still wearing a proud smile when she finishes the story.

  “That’s great, Ang,” I say, waving the envelope at her. “But honestly, I’m happier to hear the owners were prosecuted than I am to have her papers. I mean, it’s nice to have the information, but I’ll never breed or show her, so her papers don’t mean anything to me.”

  Angie’s smile gets even bigger, and she winks as she nods toward the letter in my hand. “Check it out, Shy.”

  Despite my protestations, we have been very curious about her breed, because she is unlike any of the typical breeds we are familiar with. So I remove the document. Across the top, it reads Lipizzan Association of North America. Confused, I look back to Angie. “She’s a Lipizzan?”

  Angie nods, still smiling. I’m not sure why she is so happy about this, so I ask, “Are you going to tell me why you look like Gemma, with your huge smile and feet ready to dance?”

  Her smile fades a little. “You aren’t familiar with the breed?”

  “Not more than the name,” I say, still very confused why this is so exciting.

  Angie’s smile returns. “Go home and look it up.” She leans in and hugs me, then spins and practically skips back to the house. I shake my head as I climb in the truck, heading home to Ryder’s.

  After I change into warm and comfy sweatpants, I get out my laptop and Google Lipizzan. What I find on the first website is very interesting information. It turns out there are only around 1100 purebred Lipizzans in the U.S. The breed is very closely protected to ensure proper breeding and care. So the fact that I have a purebred mare, and her baby, seems virtually impossible. How is it that this girl slipped through the cracks and ended up in the hand of an abusive owner?

  Although this is interesting, it doesn’t bring the level of excitement that Angie was exuding. So, I go back to Google and search some more. One link catches my attention. It reads, “Horse or Unicorn? Amazing Flying Lipizzaner Stallions.” I ignore the flip of my belly, and click on the link. After that one, I click on another. After some obsessive searching and reading, I’ve learned that the Lipizzan has the ability to perform a move called “airs above the ground.” When performed properly, the horse will leap from its hind legs into the air, then kick its legs out behind it, giving the appearance that the horse is flying.

  A flying horse.

  Now I understand Angie’s excitement. Recently she’d asked about my tattoo, and the necklace I never remove. I told her about the flying horse story.

  Kade got me a flying horse.

  Then I remember his exact words that night: “If you were paying attention, you’d know that if you tell me you want a flying horse I will go find you two.”

  Espy’s pregnant… he got me two flying horses.

  ***

  An hour later I’m showered, dressed, and waiting for a reply from Keegan. I just texted her asking for Kade’s address. I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I need to see him, now. I’m fully aware that I could get to his house and he could tell me to leave, but I’ve finally decided he’s worth that risk.

  A few minutes later, Keegan texts me the address. She says nothing more, no questions, nothing. She knows this is a decision I’ve had to reach on my own. Keegan also knows I would not be going to see him if I wasn’t absolutely sure.

  I send Ryder a quick text telling him I have something to do. I don’t tell him what, because Ryder would ask questions. Then I get in my truck and start driving.

  Two hours later I’m sitting in front his house, looking at all the cars in the drive and on the street. Clearly they are having a party, or a family gathering for Christmas. Of course I choose to come for him at the time we’ll have a giant audience and I’ll be forced to meet his family and friends.

  Then it hits me—Kade could have a girlfriend, and she could be in the house with him right now. I close my eyes and remind myself I’m stronger than this. I can go in there and tell Kade how I feel, and I can handle whatever his answer is.

  At least that’s what I tell myself.

  Chapter 42

  His mom calls out, “Kaden, sweetie, someone is here to see you.”

  As I enter the kitchen, I see several people are already staring at me. Then I see him, leaning against the counter. His grey eyes, which seem to be highlighted by his light blue button-down, are fixed on me. His expression gives nothing away, so I wait for him to speak.

  “Kaden,” his mom says louder, “Are you going to introduce her to everyone?”

  His smile, the smile that changed my life, spreads across his lips and releases the tension in my chest. He pushes off the counter, taking a couple strides to close the distance between us. While staring into my eyes, he lifts one hand and places it on the back of my head, then he pulls me near, kissing my forehead.

  “Hey, Filly,” he says on an exhale. “It’s great to see you.”

  I relax and lean into him, placing my hands at his waist. Wit
h my forehead pressed into his collarbone, I draw in a couple long breaths, then pull back. Our mouths are only inches apart.

  The sound of his mom clearing her throat next to us reminds me that we are standing in the middle of a room full of people.

  Kade winks at me and turns toward his mom. “Mom, this is Shyanne,” he says, while gesturing to me. Then he nods towards his mom. “Shy, this is my mom, Margret.”

  His mom extends both of her hands and takes both of mine. “It is so nice to finally meet you, Shyanne.”

  I furrow my brow and glance back at Kade, then quickly recover. “It’s great to finally meet you too, Mrs. Cross. And I’m so sorry for showing up uninvited. I can come back if this is a bad time,” I say, while taking in the faces of everyone in the room. Kade cringes when he realizes that everyone has stopped talking and they are staring at us.

  Margret tugs on my hands, pulling me close, then wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me like I’m a long-lost daughter. “Nonsense, sweetheart, you are welcome here anytime.”

  Kade gently pulls me from his mother’s arms and waves his hand in the general direction of everyone in the room. “Shyanne, this is my family. Family, this is Shyanne.” He tucks me under his arm and turns us toward the hall. “I’m sure she would love to meet all of you, but we have things to discuss.” Then he escorts me up the stairs to his room.

  As he closes the door, I turn to face him. I don’t look too closely for answers, because I’m not ready for those yet.

  He closes the distance between us and reaches up both his hands, placing them on either side of my face. He curls his fingers around the back of my neck and tilts my chin, so that my lips are just a breath from his.

  “I’ve missed you, Filly,” he whispers against my lips, just before he claims my mouth with his.

  Having been apart from him for so long, I cherish him more than ever.

  When he pulls back, we are both breathing heavily. Looking deep into my eyes, he asks, “Are you staying?”

  I purse my lips. He’s asking if I can spend the night? “Well, I have Christmas dinner at Angie’s tomorrow, but I can stay the night.”

  He wrinkles his forehead, looking confused. “Let’s try this again,” he says, smiling down at me. “What did you come here for?”

  I smile back up at him. “You got me a flying horse. Well, actually, two.”

  Looking no less confused, he says, “Filly, I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

  With a laugh, I realize I’m talking in riddles. Deciding to spell it out, I look him in the eyes. “I love you, Kade, that’s why I’m here.”

  His face lights up, but just as quickly it falls away. Holding my gaze, he asks the question I’d been expecting. “Are you going to stay this time?”

  “Yes,” I answer, without hesitation. “I don’t run anymore. I’m learning to fight for what I need, and for what I love.”

  He touches his forehead to mine. “Thank Christ.” He lets out a long breath, and lifts his head from mine. “Okay, so now tell me about this flying horse.”

  I spend the next fifteen minutes, talking fast and very excited, explaining to him about Espy’s breed. I even show him a YouTube video to help with the story.

  “You were right about me needing to fight for us, and for myself.” I admit. “Learning to wake up every morning with a positive attitude, has been my biggest challenge. Oh, and accepting myself for who I am. Yeah, that’s not been easy either.”

  Kade pulls me tighter against him. “I don’t know how. Loving you has been the easiest thing I have ever done.”

  I smile, almost unable to believe that getting back together with him could be so simple. “I missed you,” I tell him.

  With a crooked smile, he asks, “Oh, yeah? What did you miss the most, my constant recitation of facts?”

  I shake my head. “No, not at all,” I tease. “Actually, I miss how you always wrap your fingers in mine when we’re cuddling at night.”

  “Speaking of sleeping in the same bed,” he says, his expression becoming very serious. “Let’s get back to the point of you saying you could spend the night.”

  I explain that Angie invited me and Ryder to Christmas dinner tomorrow night. He takes my hand in his. “Come on, let’s go talk to my mom. We can do an early lunch here with her and still make it to Angie’s for dinner. There is no way I’m letting you leave here by yourself tomorrow. I just got you back; it’s going to be a long time before we sleep in different beds again.”

  I resist when he tugs at my hand, and he turns to look at me. My eyes fill with tears as I smile at him. He moves so that he’s standing in front of me again.

  “What’s wrong, Filly?”

  I shake my head. “They’re happy tears. It’s just that it’s been years since I’ve had a family to spend Christmas with, and this year I have two.” I don’t mention that my dad will be at Angie’s tomorrow too. I’m gonna need a little more time to fill Kade in on all those details.

  “Shyanne, did you just say something positive about your life?” he asks, trying to lighten the mood.

  I duck my head, embarrassed that he’s so used to my negativity. “It’s my new thing,” I tell him.

  Eyes wide in dramatic amazement, he says, “Flying horses really are magical creatures.”

  I laugh. “Espy has helped, but honestly, the things you said that day, well, that was the kick in the ass I needed. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been working on appreciating all the people in my life instead of fearing what could happen.”

  He pulls me in so that our lips are just a breath apart again. “No Christmas gift, for the rest of my life, will compare to this one right here,” he says, then kisses me one last time before we go tell him mom that Christmas plans have been changed.

  Epilogue

  Six months later

  “Kade, where are you?” I ask, feeling my heartbeat pick up.

  “At the store with Max, getting the things you said we needed for dinner. What’s wrong?”

  Pacing the aisle in the barn, I rub the back of my neck. “I just got a call from Agent London, the woman who conducted my interview. She’s on her way here.”

  “What? That doesn’t make any sense. They told me all the interviews were done and your past is not going to be an issue for my acceptance. Why would she need to see you again?” He asks it like I should have some clue.

  “That’s why I’m calling you. I’m freaking out here. I mean, it was bad enough the first time around, I can’t do that again.” I’m pretty sure I peed my pants a little when I met with the woman before.

  “Relax, Filly, I’m sure it’s nothing.”

  “Nothing,” I yell, cutting him off. “An FBI agent is driving all the way from her office to this farm.”

  Max says something in the background and Kade quickly fills him in. I hear Max ask a question then Kade repeats it to me.

  “So she’s coming to the barn now?”

  “Yes,” I say, starting to feel irritated that he doesn’t sound as hysterical as I feel. “She said she’s in the area and she wanted to ask me some questions about the program.”

  “The program? You mean, your horse program?” Kade asks.

  “No, my dog program, genius.”

  He tries to hide his laugh, but fails. “Okay, I’m sorry. I can see I’m not being helpful. So we’ll head over to you now. I don’t want you to be alone if she does start questioning you.”

  Just as he finishes his sentence, I hear crunching gravel outside the barn. I peek out the end of the barn and see what can only be an FBI vehicle.

  “Too late,” I tell Kade. “She just pulled in.”

  I hear him drop something into the grocery cart as he’s yelling at Max to hurry. “We’ll be right there, Filly. Don’t answer any question you don’t feel comfortable with, okay?”

  Sure, he can say that. He’s not so intimidated by agents that he wets his pants.

  “Just get here,” I whisper-yell into the phon
e. I end the call just as London rounds the corner of the barn.

  She’s dressed in the female version of a three-piece suit, with three inch heels to match. Perfect attire for a horse barn.

  She extends her hand. “It’s good to see you again, Ms. Adams,” she says, sounding just like she looks.

  I return her handshake, remembering I haven’t washed my hands since mucking the stalls. “Shyanne, please.” I don’t tell her it’s good to see her again, because… well, it’s not. She releases my hand, and to her credit, she doesn’t dust hers off on her pants.

  “I’m sorry to drop in like this, but I’ve been thinking about you since your interview, and when I realized I was in your town, I thought I’d try to catch you.”

  “Um… what exactly have you been thinking about?” I ask, needing answers before I have a repeat of the pee-gate incident.

  She begins walking down the aisle, checking in each stall, as if looking for horses. “Well, when you explained the program you’re getting started here, I was more than impressed. So, I did some research on the organization you’re getting your certification through.”

  “The organization I got it through,” I correct her. “I completed the trainings just last weekend and I’m now certified.”

  She turns to look at me, eyes wide with excitement. “So you’re able to provide the services now?”

  I nod. “Yes. Angie and I are both certified as equine specialists. At the training we met a therapist who lives a short drive from here, who is also certified. My dad helped with the business end, so we are now an official program certified to provide equine assisted psychotherapy.” I pause. “I’m sorry, can I ask why you have so much interest in this?” I ask, gesturing around the barn.

  She bites the inside of her lip while studying me. After what feels like the equivalent of an anal probe, she explains. “The reason I was assigned to do your interview, as part of Kade’s application, is because I run a task force that focuses on the rescue and treatment of sex slaves here in the U.S.”