by Skyla Madi
What changed my mind? Why now, after twelve months, have I decided to show my face? Because earlier this week I watched her climb into another man’s car dressed like a fucking angel—a gorgeous red dress—just like I always imagined she’d wear on our first date. I was furious, my blood boiling in my veins. It took everything in me not to pull the guy out of the car and murder him. Joel told me men were sniffing around her and I tried so damn hard to be cool with it, but thoughts of her with someone else tore me up. I never encouraged him to deny anyone that was interested in her, but I also never told him to stop.
I contemplated following Emily and her date to their destination, but I couldn’t bear the thought of what I might see. When they arrived back home, and he reached over to touch her…
My jaw ticks as I recall how mad it made me.
He continued to touch, to lick, despite her obvious repulsion. The look of disgust on her face sent anger blooming across my skin. I stepped out from beside Joel’s porch, uncaring if I exposed myself to Monique who sat ten feet from me, when Emily managed to get out of the car. She handled the situation herself, and that was the end of it.
She didn’t need me to fight her battles.
I stepped back into the shadows as she climbed the front steps, the heat on the back of my neck refusing to cool, and strolled around the side of the house. As the three of them chatted on the porch, all I could think about was what if? What if she fell in love with that random guy? What if they started dating? What if they had…
Sex.
I clench my teeth. It’s childish—selfish—but even in death I didn’t want to share her with anyone. I was playing a dangerous game with my future. With me dead, it meant she was eventually going to move on. It meant, soon, she’d forget about me and someone else would take my place. Skull or no Skull, I’d never allow it.
So here I am, back from the dead, ready to re-claim my woman.
Hopefully.
Kitten grasps Monique’s shoulder and places a hand against her own forehead, never taking her eyes off mine. I want to go to her, to wrap her up in my arms and squeeze her against me for all of eternity.
But I don’t…
…because, as much as I hate it, she needs space. She needs to adjust to the fact I’m not dead, that I was never dead.
I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
I’ve imagined this reunion fifty different ways and only one of them ends well.
In one heartbeat, I think she’s going to run at me, there’s so much emotion, so much relief in her face, and I can tell she wants to touch me, to make sure I’m real. In the next, however, she goes from standing up straight on her beautiful legs to collapsing against Monique.
Shit.
I jolt forward, breaking into a run as Monique cradles Emily’s weight as best she can, calling out for help over her shoulder.
“Take Jake,” Joel orders, grabbing Emily’s bicep in one hand as he passes the baby off with the other.
Jake cries and Monique wraps him up in her arms and turns away, bouncing him as she hums.
I clear the porch steps in one bound as Joel scoops Emily up and carries her inside. I follow him, tossing her birthday gift onto the kitchen bench—the first one I pass on the way to her living room. The smell of her house swirls around me, flowers and her—a scent I’ve missed. Though I’ve been away from Emily for a year, I haven’t touched another woman. I haven’t even thought about it.
I wanted Emily or no one at all.
I want Emily or no one at all.
I’m hot on Joel’s heels as he rushes over to her black, L-shaped leather couch.
“Move the cushions.”
I swipe an arm the length of the couch, knocking off at least thirteen decorative cushions, leaving a square silver one for her head. Who the hell needs so many?
Joel lies her down and adjusts her pretty dress, covering the golden skin of her bare thighs, before pinning me with a glare. “Are you happy now?”
He has every right to be mad. By showing up, I’ve made him look like a liar in front of Monique and Emily. I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive him for keeping my secret.
“I had to see her,” I tell him. “It’s her birthday.”
“And now you’ve ruined it.”
I absorb a flinch. It was never my intention to ruin her birthday. I’m sure once she calms down and understands what I had to do, she’ll be the happiest she’s ever been. They’ll see.
Worst case scenario, though? She’ll never speak to me again. Emily has held a grudge against me only once since we met. It was when she found out I drugged her opponent. She was devastated that I did it, but I had no choice. Marishka would have killed her. Regardless, Emily didn’t take what I did well, so there’s a small chance she won’t speak to me again for faking my death.
The amount of heartache I’ve caused her…
I wouldn’t forgive me either.
“If you brought Skull here…” he growls in a low tone.
Why else would I be here in Italy? I was in Beirut when I called Joel last. He knows I’ve been following Skull from country to country as he tracks the phony trail they set up to mislead him.
Piece by piece, though, Skull’s unraveling it. Now he’s in Italy and that’s too fucking close for comfort.
“He’s in Naples,” I shoot back.
Joel’s sharp features soften in fear. I’ve never seen him scared before, not even the day our parents died, but I get it. He’s a father now—a husband too. He’s got more to lose than I do.
“Where?”
I can’t look him in the eyes. “I don’t know where.”
He steps closer, lowering his voice further so Monique—wherever she is—can’t hear him. “I have a baby, Jai, a defenseless goddamn baby. Do you know what Skull will do if—”
“He’s not going to do anything. I won’t let him.”
I drag my attention back to him as he jabs me in the chest with a tattooed finger. “You were supposed to end him and then come home, Jai. You weren’t supposed to show up unannounced without the head of our enemy. That wasn’t the plan.”
“I know…”
He points at Emily. “Do you know how long it took me to get Emily back to neutral? To make her feel like what happened wasn’t the end of the world? She can’t see him. Neither can Monique. They’ll have fucking meltdowns.”
Does he think I’m an idiot? I’ve taken it all into consideration already. “I know.”
“Joel!” Monique snaps from behind me and I look over my shoulder. She holds Jake to her hip, her stance anything but happy. Her face is pinched in a scowl, her slender shoulders squared. “I need to talk to you.”
Joel pushes past me and follows Monique back the way we came, leaving me alone with Emily. I move in front of her and crouch low. I feel my pulse in my neck and in my wrists. It’s in my ears too, beating louder the closer I am to her.
I didn’t want to come to Italy. I knew I’d never be able to resist approaching her. I lost Skull’s trail in Naples and I thought Florence would be his next stop, but alerts have stopped coming through to my devices. Maybe he’s caught on to the real trail. I tried finding him myself, but I couldn’t and I wasn’t taking any chances, so I came here to the wine country.
Everything Joel told me about their life is true. He’d bought a failed winery and turned it around with Emily at the helm beside him. I noticed she put all the money she spent on my card back into my account, but not once did she notice that someone else was taking money from it too. Maybe she’d have known I was alive if she paid more attention.
I glance around her house, her awesome little house. I still remember her apartment in New York…it wasn’t fit for her. Nothing about her old life was fit for her, but what she’s built for herself is perfect.
During the day here in Italy, I spend the bulk of my time erratically searching for any hint to Skull’s whereabouts. Nights, I spend watching her. Emily thinks because
she lives on a winery in the middle of nowhere that she doesn’t need to close the blinds. If only she knew Skull is out there looking for her…
I managed to fight off making myself known to her for two weeks before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I figure since I lost Skull’s location, the safest thing for Emily, Monique, Joel, and Jacob, is for me to be at their side.
I reach out and push a long, silky lock of Emily’s hair out of her face. The majority of her face is still pale from the shock of my arrival, but pink is slowly creeping into her cheeks. I brush the back of my finger along her smooth cheek, along her jaw, to her lower lip.
I want to kiss her.
I’ve been through a lot in my life, but being away from her has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t realize how decayed I was on the inside until I didn’t have Emily there cheering me up or forcing me to express my emptions. She healed me. She made me look forward to the future—made me fight for a future.
I pull my hand back and watch her without touching. She’s put on weight—healthy weight. Her collarbones are no longer prominent, her cheekbones are less sharp. She looks younger, less lost.
“It’s probably better if I stay with her,” Joel says and I flick my eyes to the entrance. I assume my presence was the topic of conversation between him and Monique. I straighten my legs and draw myself to full height. “She’ll freak out if she wakes up and your ugly mug is leaning over her.”
I blow air out of my mouth, an apathetic laugh. “You’re probably right.”
Joel saunters forward, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black jeans. “You can stay here with us from now on since you’ve exposed yourself.”
I frown even though my heart swells in my chest. I’ve been gone for so long, I might as well have existed in another lifetime. I thought that, maybe, there’d no longer be any room for me in their lives. I felt like I’d be a redundant organ, an appendix, to them.
Apparently, I was wrong.
Joel claps his hand against my shoulder. “Don’t look so shocked, brother.”
“I just thought—”
“You’re family. No matter what.”
I smile at him and look away. If only I could tell him how much that means to me without making it uncomfortable.
“Thanks,” is all I manage.
“You’re welcome.” He clears his throat. “Monique has to feed Jake and take the chicken out of the oven. If you could help her while I’m keeping an eye on Emily…”
“With the baby?”
He cocks a tidy eyebrow. “With the chicken.”
I laugh, and I’m surprised by the sound. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it. “Right.”
“Put it in a dish and carry it to the orchard. It’s the last thing needed for Emily’s birthday dinner.”
Nodding, I brush past Joel, moving away from Emily. Distance gathers with every step and I feel less…just less.
“Joel?” I turn around, planting my hand on the back of my neck. I’ve never needed my brother’s help when it comes to women, but I’ll need it if I want Emily’s forgiveness. I know how close they are now, and the realization comes with a rough lick of jealousy. “Tell her I meant well, will you? That I was only ever thinking about her.”
Rubbing his inked hands over his face, Joel exhales as he sits on the glass and black wood coffee table. “And if she asks me about Skull?”
“Lie to her,” I say it quickly, without hesitation, and it sickens me.
“Jai—”
“I will deal with Skull, I promise,” I tell him. “She doesn’t have to know.”
I can see cogs turning in his head as he looks at me. He doesn’t want to lie to Emily. I can see it, and I hate that I’m forcing it on him after everything he’s already done for me. He sits forward, planting his elbows on his knees. “If she finds out we lied—again—she’ll hate us all. She’ll realize she can’t trust us like she thought, and then what’s keeping her here?”
“Lying is our only choice. If you’re going to tell her the whole story, tell her it ended in Beirut, all right?”
“Beirut, Jai? I won’t be able to keep up with your—”
“All I told you about my year chasing Skull was that it ended in a hotel Beirut. That’s all you have to say.” I lick my lips with a frustrated tongue. “Can you do that?”
The story would have been true, if not for that hotel maid in Beirut who stumbled into the hall between us, dropping her armful of fresh, white towels. It took Skull a second to snatch her and take her hostage. As he stood behind her, his knife in his hand, he managed to tie a rope around her torso and walk her toward the window. He said he’d spare her if I dropped my gun and kicked it away. I had no choice but to comply.
He ended up throwing her out the window of that damn vintage hotel and ran off as I dived for the rope that rapidly began to zip out the window as she fell. It burned my hands when I grabbed it and the maid broke a few bones when she was snapped to a halt mid-freefall, but I saved her…and, subsequently, Skull got away.
I almost had him.
Almost.
Fucking.
Had him.
“Joel?”
“All right. I’ll fucking lie to her face for you—again.” He shoots to his feet to pace. “Christ, Jai, at this point do you even deserve her?”
I bristle. “I’ve taken her well-being into consideration with every decision I’ve made since the moment I met her. Maybe I don’t deserve her—maybe I never have—but I won’t apologize for what I’ve done.” I slide my teeth together to relieve some pressure in my jaw, then release. “I will tell her the lie about Skull’s end every day for the rest of my life if it makes her feel better. Knowing he’s alive would destroy her. You said so yourself.”
I stalk out the door and onto the porch, where Monique waits in the cool evening air, bouncing a fussy Jake in her arms. Looking at him dispels my frustration, and I can’t help the small smile on my lips when he makes eye contact with me and stops his fussing. I’ve always been good with babies. Mom used to say I was a natural, that there was something about me that soothed a crying baby. I don’t usually go out of my way to communicate with the toothless little balls of meat, but Jacob isn’t just any baby. He’s my nephew.
My flesh and blood.
“Can I hold him?” I ask Monique, and I notice the confusion that wrinkles her forehead.
“Uh, sure.” She kisses Jake on the head. “Go to Uncle Jai.”
Uncle. Pride fills my chest like gas in a helium balloon. I’m an uncle. I hold out my hands and she passes Jake to me. Squirming, he stuffs his fist into his mouth and sucks on it as I pull him against my chest. He’s tiny in my arms and helpless.
“I’ll carry him back for you,” I tell her, holding him tightly against me.
“Okay.”
We leave the porch and walk side by side to the main house. They’ve built such a beautiful life here, all of them, even Jessica. I wish I could have been a part of it from the beginning. I’ve missed out on so much and it…it sucks.
I glance down at little Jacob and marvel over his full head of dark, straight hair. Joel was concerned the baby wouldn’t be his, given Monique’s physical relationship with Skull, but Jacob’s perfect, like a doll, and God, he looks like my father.
An odd feeling swirls in the pit of my stomach the longer I gaze at my nephew. I can’t place the feeling until thoughts of what my own child would look like are brought to the forefront of my mind.
I want a baby.
A ridiculous thought, considering the woman I want one with thought I was dead up until twenty minutes ago and she might never speak to me again. I crane my neck and plant a gentle kiss on Jake’s temple. “You’re a little cute, aren’t you?”
Monique snorts. “He’s more than a little cute.”
I smile at her. “You did good.”
“Thanks.” She tucks loose strands of blonde hair behind her ears. “Did Joel tell you when he was born?”
“Yeah. He sent me photos the minute he was out.” She looks torn by my response, equal parts happy and irritated. “I ordered gifts to be sent to your home. Obviously, I couldn’t state who they were from.”
Joel wanted to tell Monique I was alive the moment he knew. He trusted her to keep it from Emily, but to know I was alive was to know Skull was as well. I couldn’t put that on her. Not while she was pregnant.
“What did you send?”
“A few baby onesies with some ridiculously funny quotes on the front, an activity center, and a cream glider.”
She beams at me and it makes me feel…good. “Those were from you?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you. I never knew I needed a breastfeeding glider, but it’s my saving grace on those long nights when he won’t settle.”
“It’s the least I could do.” I clear my throat. “I wanted to be here, more than anything, but…I couldn’t move on knowing Skull was out there.”
Monique nods and turns her attention to the trees that entwine above us. “Can I ask you a question?” She pins me with a serious stare. “And you have to be one hundred percent honest with me.”
I already know what the question will be. “Shoot.”
“Skull is dead, right? We don’t have to worry?”
“He’s gone,” I lie, ignoring the painful twist in my stomach.
“How?”
“Shot him a few times in a hotel in Beirut.” I was a filthy goddamn liar. “He bled out.”
Relief floods her face, smoothing out all lines of worry and wrinkles of concern.
“Good,” she says on exhale. “Thank God.”
Silence falls between us as we walk the distance of the twisted trees and the smell of the air turns citrusy and fresh. This place is paradise after the shit I’ve been dealing with since New York. It’s a private country, a secret land that consists only of the people I love.
“She’s gonna be really happy you’re here,” Monique tells me as we stroll into their enormous backyard.
I can see Joel and Monique with a whole tribe of children, turning this backyard into their play zone.
Their battlefield.
Their kingdom.
“You think so?”
