by Lois Richer
Why did You bring me to The Haven, God?
Chapter Twelve
“Not exactly your typical Easter sunrise service.” Out of habit, Victoria grabbed Ben’s arm for support as they crunched over the crusted bits of snow, not worried in the least that they trailed the end of the line of people who ranged in a line from the mountain’s summit to The Haven.
“But great just the same,” Ben said. “Very memorable.”
“I’m glad they extended your leave.” She couldn’t help admiring the sharp angle of his jaw and his regal bearing as they walked through the brilliant April sunshine. “I don’t think I could have managed a trial weekend for all these kids without your help.”
“You’re kidding. You, the no-problem lady who thinks forty people for dinner is a breeze?” he said, tongue in cheek, eyebrows raised. “You were worried about fifteen giggly preteens? I don’t believe it.”
“Believe that I was scared stiff they’d beg to go home after the first half hour.” She grinned, thrilled by their accomplishment. “But they didn’t, thanks to you, Ben.”
“No thanks needed,” he said with that whole-face-grin that made her pulse gallop. “It’s a relief that some of the snow lasted long enough for us to go through with sliding, skating, cross-country skiing and hayrides. But being here with you, watching spring make her melting debut on Easter morning, is amazing.”
There was a certain intimacy in his words that reminded her of his kiss after Mikey’s birthday and of the hours they’d spent at the kitchen table planning this Easter retreat weekend for foster kids.
“Watching you ride that horse yesterday was more than enough repayment,” he added, blue eyes crinkling at the corners. “Your face lit up like a Christmas tree. You might have noticed I couldn’t stop staring.”
Victoria blushed, heat stinging her cheeks, but she couldn’t look away because his gaze held hers. “I did notice,” she murmured. “I thought my mascara had run.”
“You always look gorgeous to me, Victoria.” Ben turned to wave at Mikey who had scooted ahead of them and was now jumping off boulders along the pathway. “Later, after the kids have gone, can I talk to you? Privately?”
“Sure.” She was surprised by the request. “Is anything wrong?”
“No. It’s just that I’ve been reading Neil’s journals and doing a lot of praying and I want to run something by you.”
“Why me?” she asked with a blink of surprise.
“Because I trust that your answer will be honest, not just what I want to hear.” His fingers slid to hers and threaded between them. “Because I trust you, Victoria.”
“Well, thank you.” Funny how much pleasure she found in those words and his touch.
She was curious to hear his thoughts, but at The Haven, with the clamor of the kids over breakfast, there was very little time for any personal talk. After that, they loaded together into a large van and Ben drove them all to church, except the aunts who’d already left because they were performing a special Easter duet. The little white church now felt welcoming, especially as the heady fragrance of potted lilies filled the sanctuary, punctuated here and there by groupings of daffodils and hyacinths. Ben had never felt so perfectly at home.
“Such vivid displays make Easter even more special,” Ben whispered as they took their seats.
“I can almost guarantee those are from Aunt Margaret’s greenhouse. She has ten green fingers. Probably toes, too.” Victoria spent the next few minutes explaining to Mikey that she didn’t mean her aunt actually had green fingers and toes. She also assured him that he wasn’t missing kids’ church because there wasn’t any today. Then the choir entered and the service began.
As they sang the beautiful, timeless hymns, the congregation seemed to experience the same reverence she did. The music touched Victoria’s soul as it delineated the Easter story. Then the aunts rose to perform their duet. Victoria had heard it several times over the years, yet the beauty of their perfectly blended voices brought tears to her eyes as they told the story of Christ rising from the dead.
“Are you okay?” Ben whispered.
Victoria could only nod. As if he understood, Ben slid his arm around her shoulders, comforting her. But comfort was hard to come by as her guilt swelled.
How could she have betrayed her Lord and what she believed? How could she have let herself think she could have a future with a man who didn’t believe Jesus had lived or died? Shame swamped her so she couldn’t bear to look at the two women who’d given her nothing but love. Despite everything the aunts and Ben had helped her understand, she still felt utterly unworthy.
“The message of Easter is forgiveness. No matter what or where or when or how, your Father forgives you. Because He loves you. Period. That is the meaning of Easter. ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only son.’” The pastor’s voice echoed around the sanctuary. “He came so that you don’t have to experience the same forty lashes He received, so that you don’t have to be hung on a cross, no matter how much you believe you deserve it.”
Shocked, Victoria stared at the man behind the pulpit. She’d heard this sermon before. And yet, it was as if the words rang through the building new and fresh, like the spring flowers.
You are forgiven.
“You messed up, dear one. But God isn’t mad at you. He doesn’t hate you or expect you to endlessly suffer for your mistakes. God feels your pain. His heart hurts that you’re suffering for your mistakes.” The pastor’s voice softened. “But the hurt, the pain isn’t His primary concern. What our God is most concerned about, what He desires more than anything, is that you repair your relationship with Him.”
A bubble of joy built inside Victoria as those words penetrated her heart and began to thaw the icy barrier that had grown inside.
“The desire of God’s heart is that you and He rebuild that sweet communion you used to share. That’s what really matters to God,” the pastor insisted. “He’s not after His pound of flesh. He couldn’t care less about retribution. He’s after your heart. That’s why He gave us His only son. Out of love. What do you want from God this Easter, friend?”
The words hung in the air, challenging yet full of comfort. As they rose to sing a familiar Easter hymn in closing, Victoria felt as if she’d emerged from a cocoon. As if spring’s breath had pushed away her chrysalis so that she could breathe and live and feel worthy once more.
The freedom of forgiveness clung to her all through the meal the church put on for the visiting youth. It stayed stuck in her heart as she said goodbye to each precious child and watched them board the bus with smiling faces. It remained through Mikey’s chatter as Ben helped with cleanup.
God forgave her. The message sunk its roots deep into her head and played round and round in the sweetest refrain. Not guilty. While Ben and Mikey played checkers, Victoria slipped out for a walk, ending up on the summit where they’d held their sunrise service.
“I’m forgiven,” she whispered to herself, stunned by the enormity of God’s love for her. “Thank You. I do want our relationship restored but my emotions are all over the place. Maybe that’s why I’m so confused about Ben. I’m attracted to him, God. But I don’t want to be. I want my focus to be on You, on repairing our relationship. Besides, Ben’s leaving.”
But even as she said it, she knew that wasn’t the biggest problem she faced.
“I don’t want to get involved with anyone until I know for sure that’s Your will,” she said out loud so the words would stick in her mind. “I love being with Ben. I enjoy his touch, his kisses. And You know I love Mikey. But I don’t want to make another mistake. So I’ll trust You. In all my ways, I’ll acknowledge You and You will direct my paths.”
Trust. That was the bottom line.
Victoria spent another twenty minutes talking to her Heavenly Father. Then she headed back toward The Haven, relishing the warm kiss of the sun on her face and the longer hours of daylight. She was surprised to find Ben waiting for her at the be
ginning of the path.
“Am I late for dinner?” she asked with a laugh that quickly died at the seriousness on his face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I just need to talk to you. Are you frozen or can you walk a bit longer?” he asked quietly.
“Frozen?” she scoffed. “Ben, this is springtime in the Rockies. Perfect weather.” She debated whether to pull her hand from his when his fingers closed around it but decided not to. “What’s up?”
“I want to talk to you about Mikey.” The seriousness of his voice told her he’d come to a decision. Victoria sent up a silent prayer. “I still feel he needs a family, two parents and a home. And I still feel I can’t give him that. I want to, more than anything. But I can’t.”
“Oh, Ben.” She wanted to cry for both of them.
“Hear me out, please?”
She sniffed then nodded.
“Everything I’ve read in Neil’s journals so far makes me believe my decision to find Mikey a home is the right one. Neil talks a lot about his family, how much he loved them and wanted Mikey to have the childhood he didn’t.” He swallowed hard. “The parenting I didn’t give.”
“I doubt he said that,” she butted in.
“Maybe not in those exact words but that’s what he meant,” Ben sighed. “But I’m also aware that to try and place Mikey in a home in as rushed a fashion as I’ve been attempting is wrong. That kind of decision needs to be carefully thought through. So what I’m asking you for is time.”
“Me?” She stared at him.
“Yes, you, Victoria. You’ve shown me in so many ways these past few months that you are a great parent. You love Mikey, which is most important, and you are extremely adept at understanding what he needs.” He exhaled before continuing. “I am asking if you will care for Mikey while I return to Africa. Be his guardian, love him as if he’s your own until I can come back.”
“But—” She frowned. “Ben, you sound as if you’re leaving tomorrow. Your leave was extended. You’ll be here for months yet.” The slow shaking of his dark head tied her stomach in knots. “You won’t?”
“I’ve been recalled, Victoria. I can’t give details but there was an uprising and I’m needed. I don’t want to go. We’ve got so much left to plan.” He smoothed her hair back from her face. “I’ve just begun to know you. There’s so much I want to share with you, for you to share with me. But—my friends are in trouble and they need me.”
“When?” she whispered, afraid to hear it.
“They’re sending someone to pick me up tomorrow.”
She caught her breath, aghast at the news. Ben couldn’t go. He might be injured, even killed. She couldn’t lose him.
“I’ve come to care a great deal for you, Victoria Archer. You’re very special to me.” He’d let go of her hand so his palms could frame her face. “I want to stay here at The Haven, to work on the project with you, to share the changing of lives. But apparently that’s not what God wants, so I need someone to look after Mikey and you’re the one I trust. Will you?”
“Of course. I love him, but Ben, how—” She didn’t get a chance to finish because his lips covered hers in a soft but firm kiss.
“Thank you. I appreciate that. You have no idea how much easier it will be to leave knowing Mikey is safe here with you and your aunts. God has provided the very best caregivers he could have in you three.”
“Please don’t go, Ben.” The words tumbled out despite her resolve not to say them.
“I have to. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t help my friends when I’ve been asked.”
“Help how?” she demanded.
“I’m sorry. I can’t tell you.” Instead he snuggled her against his chest, pressing her head close, murmuring the words he thought would help her understand.
Except Victoria didn’t understand.
“I’ve been in Africa longer than any of them. I know the language, the locals and the customs. I know how to get information.” Ben’s expression turned grim. “I have to go. But I’ll only go knowing Mikey’s with you, that you’ll love him and care for him.”
“Of course I will. But what if—?” She could hardly bear to say it.
“If something happens to me, you will become his permanent guardian. The papers are being drawn up now and we’ll sign them before I leave tomorrow morning. Okay?” He drew back, studied her face, blue eyes dark, intense. “Victoria?”
“Yes, but you must come back, Ben. You have to.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on as tightly as she could, wishing that would make this nightmare go away. “We need you here.”
“We have to trust God, Victoria.” Ben’s solemn tone stopped her cold.
Wasn’t that what she’d just told God, that she’d trust Him? So was this a test?
“We have to trust that He has a reason for this, a reason we can’t understand. And that He is working it out through us.” He brushed his lips against her forehead then continued. “I’ll email you when I can. We’ll do Facetime and your aunts will write to me every day. We’ll keep in touch. You’ll tell me all about the project and I’ll give you suggestions, which you probably won’t take,” he teased, bussing her nose.
“I will.” She put on a happy face despite the deep misgivings inside. “Then if your ideas don’t work out, I’ll blame you.”
“I know.” He didn’t smile as he studied her. Instead his face was utterly serious. “I care about you, Victoria. I don’t know where that’s leading, but I want you to know that you’re the person I trust most. Maybe when I come back, we can talk more.”
“I’d like that,” she said, hoping they’d do more than talk. Then, “Do the aunts know? Mikey?”
“No. I only just got off the phone with headquarters and came to find you.” He cupped her face again, his blue eyes holding hers, peering into their depths. “I don’t want sadness, Victoria. I don’t want crying or Mikey upset. I don’t want him to get nightmares thinking I won’t be back.” His hands slid down her arms and grasped hers tightly. “Because I will return.”
“I know,” she said quietly. Turning, she walked with him toward The Haven.
But she didn’t know. Her world had been totally upset and now the one man she’d come to trust, her rock, was leaving.
Ben ushered her inside, helped with her coat and then led her toward the kitchen where they could hear Tillie and Margaret talking to Mikey.
“Trust, Victoria,” Ben whispered, his breath moving her hair and grazing her skin. “Trust God and me.”
Hand in hand, they entered the room to tell the others the news.
*
The next morning, Ben took a deep breath before he walked to the kitchen. With sleep elusive, he’d spent hours in prayer, using every breath to beg God to keep Mikey and Victoria safe, to care for them when he could not, to bring him back. But he still didn’t feel the assurance he wanted before leaving.
Breakfast was a difficult meal for Ben. Victoria tried to pretend normalcy while Mikey was subdued. Only the aunties seemed relaxed. Part of him wanted to leave quick and fast, as he always had before. Get the goodbyes over with. But a different part, a new Ben, wanted to savor every last second with Mikey and the aunts, but especially with Victoria. He wanted to glue the memories into his brain so he could take them out later and remember every detail. As if they were his family.
“I don’t know when I’ll have such a delicious meal again,” he said after thanking Tillie and Margaret for the waffles with fresh strawberries.
“C’n you send me letters, Unca Ben?” Mikey asked solemnly. “Ones with pitchers like you sended Daddy.”
“Postcards. Sure, but it takes a long time to get from Africa to here,” he explained. “You have to be patient, Mikey.”
“’Kay.”
“Keep in touch with us, also,” Margaret said. “We’ll use my computer just like you showed me. I’m very glad I got it.”
“So am I,” Ben told her with a chuckle, knowing sh
e especially liked the games. As he sipped his coffee with the morning sun streaming over Victoria, time seemed to lag. And then, suddenly, a knock came and there was no time left.
The papers granting Victoria full custody of Mikey in Ben’s absence were presented. Ben signed them then waited for Victoria. As his eyes met hers he saw fear and hesitation.
“You’re going to do just fine,” he said softly so only she could hear.
“I’ll do my best, Ben.” Her gaze met his, clear, focused. Then she scrawled her signature.
“Thank you.” He asked the driver who would take him to the airport to sign as a witness. That finished, he folded the sheets and tucked them into Victoria’s hand for safekeeping. “I guess you get to practice motherhood early,” he joked. Face solemn, she nodded. Ben turned to Jake and shook his hand.
“Thanks for all your help, man.” Jake slapped him on the shoulder. “Be safe.”
“I’ll try.” Ben then wrapped Mikey in a bear hug. “You take care of these ladies, son. I’m counting on you.”
“I c’n do it, Unca Ben. I’m five now, ’member?” Chest puffed out, the little boy hugged him back, his embrace so sweet Ben had to blink away tears. How it hurt to leave this child.
“I love you, Mikey,” he whispered as he set his nephew down.
“Love you, too, Unca Ben.” Mikey’s hand reached to grab his as he asked anxiously, “You’re comin’ back here, right, Unca Ben?”
“You betcha.” Ben ruffled the boy’s hair, praying he’d be able to keep this promise. “You help Victoria and practice with Garnet on your helicopter. You’ll be an expert when I return.” He couldn’t think how else to reassure the boy so he moved on to the aunties. “Thank you so much for your hospitality and for letting Mikey stay. You have no idea how much it’s meant to us to be here.”
Tillie smiled, glanced at Victoria and then nodded at her sister who said, “I think we have some idea, Ben. Come back soon. You’re part of The Haven now, part of our family.” They both embraced him, prayed a quick prayer and wished him Godspeed.
Victoria stood at the end of the line, this precious woman who’d slipped her way into his world and become so much a part of it.
