by Lois Richer
“I don’t know what to say to you, Victoria,” he admitted softly. “Except, remember that according to God you’re worth loving.” But he couldn’t stop there. “Know that I admire and care about you and want only the best for you. Take care of yourself and your little one.”
He stopped because he’d skated as far as he could around what his heart was screaming to say. But he could not, would not say it. He couldn’t take the risk of that responsibility. Victoria silently studied him, her gaze holding his until his driver cleared his throat.
“You’ve been a true blessing, Ben,” she finally said in a strong, sincere tone. “Go with God and then come back to us. We love you.” Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him so sweetly his knees almost buckled.
Ben’s heart galloped as his arms swept around her. He kissed her back, pouring everything he couldn’t say into that kiss, holding her and wishing he didn’t have to let go. Her response almost made him believe he could take on the responsibility that love brought.
But then Victoria drew away, smiled and said, “Don’t worry about Mikey, Ben. He’s part of our family, just like you.”
Part of our family. The repeated words resonated inside him.
To be part of a family, risk the responsibility that came with that—was that what he really wanted? The quick denial that had risen so swiftly when he first arrived at The Haven just wasn’t there anymore. He loved this place, cared deeply for the people who lived here but—
“Sir? The commander said you cannot miss that plane.” The driver glanced at his watch meaningfully.
“Right.” Probably best not to say anything about his feelings when he didn’t know what the future held, when or even if he’d return. Ben let his gaze rest on each precious face, the longest on Victoria’s, imprinting every angle, every nuance, every beloved detail. “Goodbye,” he said, his voice breaking on the last syllable.
Then he climbed into the car and waved as they called goodbye while he rode away. It was only as the car turned onto the highway that his brain replayed a single word.
Beloved? Victoria?
Absolutely beloved. But—
Good thing he was leaving. It would give him time to sort through the miasma of emotions roiling inside. And keep him from making promises he couldn’t keep.
Chapter Thirteen
Without Ben, Victoria’s days slid into weeks and turned into months of endless activities as a parade of young guests visited The Haven. While spring melted most of the mountaintop snowcaps, summer heat lent a lushness to the valley that quickly became the retreat her aunts had envisioned. Some were long-term guests. Some stayed a day or two, a weekend. Sullen, troubled kids who desperately needed care, kindness and most of all, love. Victoria strove to find a way to touch each heart. Most of those who visited left with a smile or at least happier than they’d arrived, proving that the aunties’ vision of a refuge for foster kids was sorely needed.
Victoria got through the warm, busy days and the growing encumbrance of her pregnancy through prayer, through showering love on Mikey and leaning on the aunts and Darla. But mostly through trusting God. Time after time, she fought back her fear for Ben, refusing to admit how afraid she was to open the computer each night and find no word from him. Just a line or two, that’s all she needed, she told herself. But what she craved was Ben’s voice, his support, his reassurance. What she received were short, terse emails that said nothing about what he was doing.
For Mikey and the aunts’ sake, she kept a brave face. And for Ben’s. By tracking the news, she guessed he was involved in some type of rescue mission, as first one and then another compatriot of his was mysteriously “found.” But her private fears mushroomed when his two-month absence turned into three, four, and then he no longer mentioned his return.
Caring for the aunts, raising Mikey and waiting for the birth of her child—all Victoria had to cling to was the same message she gave to the kids who came to The Haven: Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Those words were how she chased away fear, how she clung to her hope for Ben and their future. She loved him—there was no point denying it. But whether he dared love her was another question.
“Victoria, come quickly,” Tillie called. “Ben’s on Facetime.”
Weary from the late August heat and her pregnancy, heart in her throat with anticipation, Victoria moved as quickly as she could toward the study. Mikey was laughing and chatting with a shaggy-haired, bearded man who looked nothing like Ben. Then she heard that wonderful voice. For a moment, Victoria was content to just stand there and bask in relief.
Ben was okay.
“Is Victoria there?” His question snapped her back to awareness.
“I’m here.” She moved into his sight line, aware of her ungainliness, messy hair and the ugly maternity dress she wore. What did they matter? “Hello, Ben.” She forced down her tears. She might look awful but he wasn’t going to see her cry. “How are you?”
“Better now that I see you.” Lines around his eyes made him look tired. “You’re so beautiful. How’s the baby? Still kicking you at night?”
“Morning, noon and night,” she responded before adding, “We’ve heard of a lot of fighting in your area.” Be fine, she wished silently. Come home.
“I’m safe. Just tired of the heat and humidity.”
They chatted for a while about inconsequential things like the weather and she realized they were alone. Still unable to voice the love she felt for him, Victoria told him about all the programs now fully operational at The Haven.
“Our activities are more successful than we even imagined. The kids get so worn out they’re glad to relax. That’s when they open up about their problems.” Victoria savored every detail of his dear face, suddenly uncaring if he saw the love on hers. “The Haven’s refuge is working, Ben. Kids are on a waiting list to come here. Even Thea and her sisters came for a weekend.”
“I’ve been praying God would bless you.” He fell silent. “I miss you, Victoria,” he said in a much quieter voice. “I miss our walks and our discussions. I especially miss not being there to make sure you don’t overdo it.”
“I can’t overdo it.” She forced a laugh though her throat felt clogged with tears. “We have so many staff they’ll hardly let me lift a finger.” She hesitated before adding, “I miss you, too, Ben. Very much.” She inhaled, forcing down the words of love she longed to say.
As Mikey’s guardian, the military had sent her a letter emphasizing the need not to burden Ben with anything that could divert his attention from the work he had to do, though they’d not explained what that work was. Telling Ben she loved him would certainly divert his attention so Victoria kept mum.
“Another week or so and Mikey will be going to kindergarten.” She wondered if Ben would be home for that.
“And you’ll be having your baby,” he whispered. “I’d hoped to be there in time for that but now—it’s not looking good, Victoria.”
“Darla’s going to be my labor coach. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about us. Take care of yourself.” She had to stop, swallow and find her control before she could continue. “Folks at the seniors’ center keep asking when you’re coming back. They want you to start a weekly class with a different topic every week.”
“Victoria,” he paused, worry in his voice. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay and set up my store when I come back. I’m not sure there will be enough money for—”
“I’ve been thinking about that.” She couldn’t listen to why he couldn’t stay nearby. She loved this man. She wanted him here so she could convince him that they had a future together.
“And?” his voice prodded her back to the subject at hand.
“Perhaps believing there isn’t enough money for your start-up business is an excuse you’re using so you won’t have to take the chance. Maybe you really don’t want it enough to risk it, Ben.”
Maybe you don’t want me.
Victori
a waited for a response, but none came.
“There are loan programs available,” she continued to fill in the silence, deliberately ignoring the military’s letter now, for Mikey’s sake and for her own. “Chokecherry Hollow has a special program to encourage new business. Do you truly want to open a computer store, Ben? Or is that another risk that’s too big—like parenting Mikey? Like loving me?” she added very softly.
Ben was silent for several minutes, and then suddenly he had to go. Their goodbyes were rushed, not at all the way she wanted to end things. Victoria shut down Aunt Margaret’s computer then went to sit on the patio to pray and to think.
But the baby kept kicking her in the ribs and the light lunch she’d eaten wasn’t sitting right. On top of that, the questions circling inside her head were growing louder. Could Ben love her as she loved him or had his time in Africa broken the fragile bond they’d shared?
“Vic?” Mikey stood by her chair, his face thoughtful.
“What is it, sweetie?” He asked so little. Victoria thought she might resign herself to never having Ben’s love if only he’d reconsider and take on parenting this precious child.
“Is God gonna let my Unca Ben die like He did my mommy and daddy?” One big fat tear coursed down each cheek.
“Oh, sweetheart.” She lifted Mikey onto what remained of her lap and hugged him close. “God’s with Uncle Ben just like He’s here with us. Nothing’s going to happen to your uncle without God’s permission and you know who God is, don’t you?”
“God is love,” he said proudly.
“That’s right, darling. I have an idea.” Unable to give Mikey more reassurance because of the fear that gripped her, Victoria tried another tack. “I think we should plan a party for when Uncle Ben comes back.”
“Okay.” He jumped down, started toward the door. Then he turned around and studied her. “Will your baby be here then?”
“I’m not sure. Why?”
“Garnet said your baby is inside your tummy.” Mikey’s forehead pleated.
“That’s right. Just like I explained.” She waited. “Remember?”
“Yeah.” Mikey frowned. “But how come you eated your baby, Vic?”
“What?” Startled, she gaped at him before bursting into laughter. “Why would you think that?”
“’Cause how’d it get there?” Mikey sighed. “Maybe you better ’splain ’bout babies again, Vic.”
“Okay. Let’s go get some lemonade first.” As she walked toward the house, her heart brimmed with thanksgiving that she had a chance to love this dear child, but that was offset by the pain of not having Ben’s love. Oh, Lord, I’m trusting You to bring Ben home safely. But please, could You make him love me, too?
*
Maybe it’s an excuse—too big a risk—like loving me.
Victoria’s words cycled through Ben’s brain no matter how he tried to stuff them away.
“You got a girl back home?” Charley, the unit medic whose freedom Ben had bartered for just two hours ago, guzzled down more water then swiped his hand across his face, fully visible in the moonlight.
“Sort of.” Was Victoria his girl? Yes!
“Wish I did. But lying in that hole for days on end, wondering if I’d die there made me realize something.” Charley’s eyes were bright in his dusty face. “I get home, I’m telling everyone I care about that I love them. Always kinda figured it wasn’t necessary, that they knew. But I realized I haven’t said ‘I love you’ to my mom in years. Nor Dad. How could they know?”
“Why haven’t you told them?” Ben asked, curious about the reason.
“Seemed silly to go blabbing ‘I love you.’ Didn’t want to take that risk, you know?” He shrugged, took another swig of water. “But you’re dead, you never see them again, who cares if you looked silly? Some risks are worth it. You only get one life.”
You only get one life.
The words resonated as Ben walked with him toward their camp. What if he didn’t make it back? What if he died out here and Victoria never knew that he loved her? That he’d never felt as happy and complete as he did when he was with her? What if Mikey heard about his adoption plan and spent the rest of his life believing that Ben didn’t love him?
“So you risk something and you fail. Or you get hurt. Or you mess up.” Charley shook his head. “At least you did something with your life. You didn’t just hide out and miss all the things you might have enjoyed. That’s what I think.” Charley grinned at the gatekeeper then clapped Ben on the shoulder. “Thanks a lot for getting me out, man.”
“My pleasure.”
“I need a shower. Then I’m calling my family. I got some things I gotta get said. Before it’s too late.” Charley hurried away.
After he’d been debriefed, Ben showered, too, before filling out tons of paperwork. It was quarter to seven in the morning by the time he’d finished. Too late to call home. The Haven—home?
Yes, it was. If home was where the heart was, The Haven deserved the name. But it was night there. And what could he say? “I can’t come home yet because there’s still a man missing?”
In a few hours, he’d head out again, try to find that man. But would he come back?
“I don’t know what to do, God. I love Victoria. Have for ages. But I’m scared. It’s not just her and me. There’s Mikey and probably by the time I get back, she’ll have her baby. I’ll be responsible for a lot of people.” That scared him.
But what was the alternative—life alone? That didn’t bear thinking about.
Circular reasoning kept him going round and round until, out of sheer desperation, he grabbed his iPad and clicked on Neil’s last journal, the only one he hadn’t yet read.
Ben’s always tried to be the father we never had. I sure didn’t make it easy, but now I have my own son, I understand what he was up against. This kid, Mikey—I’m responsible for him and it’s scary. He messes up, it’s my fault. He makes the stupid choices I made—how do I stop him? I feel helpless just thinking about it. Poor Ben. What he must have gone through. But he stuck with me. No matter what I did to him, Ben was always there for me, trying to straighten me out, get me back on the right path. Because he loves me. It’s only now, thinking about the future with Mikey, that I can begin to fathom how much he loved me. Enough to keep pushing me. Thank You, God, that Ben kept taking a chance on me.
Tears welled as Ben read his brother’s words. They’d seldom talked about the past. Now he wished they had, that he’d known Neil’s feelings. His gaze slid to the next paragraph.
Alice agrees with me—we’re naming Ben as Mikey’s guardian. If something happens to us, we both know Ben will do everything humanly possible for our son. That’s the kind of man he is. Brave, courageous, fighting for what’s right, no matter what. Ben doesn’t run away from hard things. Responsibility is a trust he doesn’t shirk. If he fails, he tries again. He’ll help Mikey face the future because my big brother is an amazing man, worthy of our trust. I hope I can be even half of the man he is.
Doesn’t shirk responsibility? Wasn’t that exactly what he’d been trying to do with Mikey? Isn’t that why he’d come up with the whole adoption idea—to escape his duty to the boy?
Ashamed, Ben bowed his head and prayed for forgiveness. Then a thought occurred. Was shirking what he was doing with his feelings for Victoria? Was he such a mouse that he ran away from love and all that it entailed? Was he afraid to be a father?
Yes!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.
Trust. That’s all Ben had to do. Because God was in charge. Not him. God.
God had sent him Aunt Tillie and Margaret. And put Victoria there. God would take care of Mikey and Victoria’s baby.
What in the world was he so afraid of?
Someone called his name.
“Major Adams, meet with the CO in ten minutes. Recon following.”
“Has
Jared, Sergeant Peel, been found?” Ben asked the soldier delivering the orders.
“Believe that’s what the meeting’s about, sir.”
So he was going into harm’s way again. Ben didn’t hesitate. He pulled up his email account and shot off a note to Victoria. I love you.
Then he reported for duty, without fear, without hesitation.
Chapter Fourteen
For the first day in eons, The Haven did not have guests so the staff was taking a much-needed break. Even Tillie and Margaret had headed into Chokecherry Hollow for an afternoon of fun at the seniors’ center, dropping Mikey at Garnet’s.
Victoria hummed to herself as she wiped down the last of their newly delivered patio furniture, lovely wrought iron pieces that were answers to Jake’s plea for replacement chairs that didn’t require continual fixing. As usual, her thoughts turned to Ben. She hadn’t heard from him in over a week.
“‘Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on’—ow!” She gasped, slowly straightened and laid a hand on her stomach. “I’m not really liking these—oh.” The fierce cramping forced her to sit down and inhale.
Time passed and nothing more happened so she resumed cleaning, admiring the look of the metal furniture on the weathered patio stones.
“Keep Ben safe, will you, Father?” she asked.
“Victoria.”
That voice. She froze in place, unwilling to believe, certain it was a figment of her dreams.
“Aren’t you going to speak to me?”
The voice was mixed up in her yearning for him and excruciating pain as her abdomen tightened again. She grasped a chair, sat down and slowly turned. Ben stood at the corner, holding a bunch of flowers.
“It’s you,” she whispered. “It’s really you.”
“In the flesh. Well, most of it. I got nicked by a bullet last week, but I’m fine and all the team is accounted for.” He walked slowly toward her, limping just a little. “Are you all right?”
