Hard Drifter

by Debra Kayn

She faced Yvonne. "Go home, open up a bottle of wine, and relax. You're ready to jump out of your shoes every time someone talks to you today."

  "I know." Yvonne moved her purse to her other hand and gave Lena a one-arm hug. "You try to relax, too. Call if you need to...talk or whatever."

  She nodded, spotting an older gentleman walking toward them. "That must be your dad."

  "I'll wait with you until you find your biker," said Yvonne.

  "No need. He's here." There was no reason to look for Thad. She could feel him watching her.

  She waved to Yvonne, pulled up the collar of her coat and thrust her hands into her pockets to hide her shaky hands while letting her purse swing at her side. A hundred excuses why she should delay the talk to a better time flashed in her head. She was tired after working a twelve-hour shift. Notus Motorcycle Club hadn't yet learned that she was Lena Grayson. One more night with Thad would be better than anything she'd ever given herself before. It was Monday. She was feeling lucky. He needed—"

  "Hey," said Thad, sitting on his motorcycle.

  She stopped in front of him. "I thought you were meeting me at the house."

  Her fingers curled around her pepper spray canister in her pocket and then she thought better of it, and let go. The way she shook and the nerves bouncing around in her body could have her squeezing and harming Thad or herself.

  "I thought I'd follow you home." He frowned and the lines around his eyes deepened. "Why haven't you kissed me yet?"

  To do so would only give him false hope. She'd been honest up front and outlined how their relationship would be. Somewhere in the middle, she'd gotten lazy and greedy, let him believe there was more. Because there was more.

  "I just got off work." She glanced behind her, not caring who witnessed her giving Thad a kiss but using the location as an excuse. "The department installed a new security camera that watches my car now, so they want me to park at the side of the building away from where the public parks. Will you follow me?"

  He continued to scowl. "Yeah."

  She made her escape with no idea how she'd get through the evening without touching him. If he reached for her, she'd fly into his arms. Despite knowing what needed to be done, she'd spent the last twelve hours looking for an excuse on how she could make this work.

  Unlocking her car door, she slipped into the driver's seat and started the engine. Thad idled his motorcycle off to the side waiting for her, and she backed out of the parking spot and drove away.

  Before she could muster her confidence. Before she could convince herself everything would be okay. Before she could think of a plausible excuse for what she'd put him through, she arrived home, and Thad parked behind her blocking her escape.

  "Well, here I go," she whispered under her breath, opening the car door.

  Thad followed her silently to the front step. She unlocked the door, tossed her purse inside, and pulled the handle toward her with a resounding click without going inside.

  "Can we talk out here?" she asked.

  "Lena, what the fuck is going on?" He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

  His shoulders came forward, and in the porch light, his frustration stared her in the face. She sat down on the concrete step and cupped her cheeks with her hands. The fall bite in the air would keep her from dragging their talk out longer than necessary.

  "I know you've never liked the conditions I've put on you to keep our relationship sort of like a business contract." She swallowed, and her stomach buzzed, upsetting her more. "I understand I don't see things like normal people do. Relationships are only one of the things I over manage."

  He sat down beside her, stretched his legs out in front of him, and crossed his arms, shoving his hands under his armpits.

  "I live the way I do because of how I was raised." Her heart pounded. "Have you ever heard someone say they're the black sheep of their family?"

  He nodded without saying a word.

  "It's usually not true for them. They just like different things and have different opinions, but they still are involved with their family." She sighed, getting off track. "For me, being a black sheep is true. I have nothing to do with my family and would be happy if I never see my mom or brother again."

  Thad whistled low and looked out in the direction of the street. She followed his gaze and gave the information time to sink in. He was close to his family and had lost his sister in an unimaginable crime. He was loved and close to his parents.

  To him, she probably came off as an uncaring bitch which would reinstate his first impression of her when she'd stated her demands on their second date. But, he'd pushed the doubts aside and went for it with her because of lust or attraction or curiosity. He was probably kicking himself now, knowing his first impression of her was right.

  She'd disappointed him. An emotion she caused in other people, and something she'd heard too often.

  "What did they do to you?" he whispered, roughly.

  She snapped her gaze to him and blinked. His anger aimed at her family in her defense surprised her.

  "It's not..." The skin between her brows pinched together. "I wasn't going to get into this part with you."

  Acid bubbled up into her throat, and she swallowed the bitterness. She needed to blurt out that she was the woman he was searching for and send him on his way because she wasn't strong enough to deal with the aftermath of his anger toward her.

  "Can you try?" he asked.

  He still hadn't touched her, and for that she was thankful. She needed the strength to get through everything. And, he made her weak. That weakness would only end up hurting him.

  "I wasn't wanted." She shrugged. "Living eighteen years knowing I'm a disappointment and not loved became toxic to me, and I left as soon as I graduated high school. My leaving wasn't about making my mom happy I was gone. I don't have any emotions toward her to care. I left for myself, to live my life."

  Thad uncrossed his arms and rubbed his palms together before putting them between his thighs. "That's a shit-ton of info you've given me, Lena. But, I think you're leaving a lot out."

  "It's history. I'm not going to resurrect that time of my life," she said.

  He stood and stretched his back. "Can you tell me how that information hooks into how you felt last night after we had sex? Tell me why you were crying."

  She rubbed the base of her neck. He had questions. She got it. She could tell him. She had to say it.

  "When I was twenty-two years old, I gave myself a present." She stood, unable to sit any longer. "I changed my name. I was healing emotionally and surviving. I felt comfortable and happy with what I'd achieved on my own. Most of all, I was proud of myself. I know this might not make sense to you, but I wanted to have something of my own—something that I stood for. So, I changed my name to Lena Hollis. I left my name and my past behind. I went forward using my new name knowing only I could bring shame upon it, and I've tried to sail through the years never disappointing myself. I was doing well, until..."

  He stepped closer and his mouth hardened. "What?"

  "Until you walked into my life and wanted more than sex." She worked her hands in worry. "I put boundaries up like I always do to keep others from growing closer to me. It's always worked for me. With you...I didn't stand a chance. I never meant to depend on you or enjoy spending time with you."

  God, she was making a mess of everything. She sounded insincere because it hurt. She wanted to scream that there were reasons she couldn't fall deeper for him.

  His gaze intensified and his eyes hardened matching his mouth. "What are you telling me?"

  She inhaled deeply. "I was born Jonelle Grayson."

  His shrug stopped midway through, and he tilted his head. She held her breath and exhaled when his brows rose, and he looked away at putting two and two together and coming out with the name of the woman Notus Motorcycle Club searched for.

  Her throat constricted. She tried to swallow, but her mouth had gone dry. "I overheard Wayne mentio
n my name last night at his house, and I realized that it was me who everyone is looking for."

  Thad ran his hand through his hair. "Your brother wants us to find you."

  "I want nothing to do with him." She shook her head. "I know you probably have some sort of contract with him, but is it possible for you to not let him know you found me? I don't want him knowing my name or where I live. I should have some kind of right to privacy, right?"

  He held up his hand. "You do."

  "Good," she whispered.

  "Anytime we're hired by a private party, if the person they're searching for is over the age of eighteen, all we can do is broach the subject of reconnecting with the client," he said.

  The tension binding her chest eased. "So, you won't give him my new name?"

  "No."

  "Or, where I live?" she asked, needing him to say it again.

  "He'll never find out." Thad stepped closer and stopped when she shifted her body. "All we're permitted to do is notify him that we made contact and the person, you, isn't interested in making contact at this time."

  "Ever."

  He dipped his chin. "Ever."

  "Okay. Good." She pressed her hand to her chest. The beats of her heart could be felt through her jacket. "That relieves my..." She shook her head and looked at him. "Thank you."

  That'd gone much easier than she imagined. Thad listened, and he'd keep her location and identity secret from her brother.

  "Lena?" Thad expression remained tense. "What else is going on with you?"

  She bowed her head. Her options to hide her past dwindled with the truth out in front of them. Everything she was feeling and needing came back on her. She had to take responsibility.

  "I can't see you anymore, Thad." She looked up at him, prepared for him to get angry, to demand why, and to hate her. "I'm sorry."

  He turned his head out of the glow of the porch light, hiding his reaction from her. Her stomach sank. If she could go back and have one more kiss, one more night, one more day spent with him, she'd...

  She'd be hurting even worse than she was now because even an hour more with Thad would draw her closer to him.

  He had an unimaginable pull she hadn't expected at the beginning, and she was falling in love with him.

  No, she could fall in love with him. If she was able to love someone else, which she wasn't. That's why she had to stop their relationship.

  Thad turned his attention to her and Lena almost shrank back at the strength radiating off him. She straightened her back and looked him in the eyes. She owed him and what they'd shared together that much.

  "If that's what you believe needs to happen." He walked away.

  She opened her mouth and silently scoffed, her throat muscle spasming at the rush of disenchantment coursing through her. He wasn't even going to tell her she was wrong or say he wanted to keep seeing her?

  Thad turned around before he reached his Harley and walked back to her, stopping within a foot of touching her. She stared up into his heated eyes. His breath fanned her face, and she trembled.

  "I'm sorry," she whispered.

  "I'm really tired of hearing you say you're sorry." His husky voice rolled over her. "You want to keep shit to yourself, think you can protect yourself from whatever you're afraid of, and that's fine. But, remember, I'm not the one who stopped things between us. I'm still here, falling in love with you, and when you pull your head out of your ass and let me be a part of your life, I'll be here."

  "Thad—"

  He shook his head. "Go inside, Lena, before I regret saying anymore tonight."

  She stared at him, wanting to know what he'd do and knowing whatever it was, she'd probably let him because she found it difficult to walk away from him.

  "Go," he said with a growl.

  Her body jolted into action. She spun around and stumbled inside the house, locking the door behind her. That was the end of her relationship with Thad.

  Pressure crushed her chest. She bent at the waist and gasped for air that seemed to have left with Thad. He was angry now.

  She only hoped she'd stopped their relationship before he could hate her.

  Chapter 18

  Jack Grayson sat on the couch in the living room of where he lived with his mother. Thad refused to sit and stood at the entrance of the room. After learning Lena's true identity five days ago, he searched for anything that would clue him in that Jack was Lena's brother.

  He wanted to believe Lena's story was false. She wasn't Jonelle Grayson. As if he could change the facts and get her back.

  Lena's hair was dark, and Jack had dirty blond hair. Lena was fit and topped out at five feet seven inches. Jack was under six-feet-tall and thirty-five pounds overweight and flabby. Even Jack's facial structure was different. Lena had brown eyes, and Jack had lighter eyes, maybe blue. He couldn't tell because he didn't trust himself to get any closer in the mood he was in.

  "We wanted to make contact with you to let you know the search is over." Wayne sat on the edge of a chair across from Jack.

  "You found her?" Jack's foot bounced against the floor. "Where is she?"

  "Your sister has no interest in making contact with you. As we informed you when you hired us, we addressed her, and she has chosen to not participate in a reunion. Your sister has the right to her privacy," said Wayne.

  Jack curled his lip. "I'm not surprised."

  Thad's spine stiffened. He didn't like Jack's attitude. His inability to read the situation frustrated him. He'd gone into the case like the other Notus Motorcycle Club members believing a family member wanted to find a loved one. Now, he could see that something was off.

  The entry wall had at least a dozen framed family pictures of Jack. There were no photos of Lena. The mother Jack talked about never showed herself, but there were signs of her in the room. The books stacked beside the chair. A woman's coat on the coat tree by the front door. The pillows on the couch stitched with pictures of ladybugs.

  "Can I have her address to contact her?" Jack stood. "I'll get you a pen and paper. I can contact her myself."

  "No need." Wayne stood, reached behind him, and pulled a paper from his pocket. "This is a copy of our contract we agreed to with you and you signed, which details that we're not liable to hand over any details."

  Jack's cheeks inflated, and he blew out his breath. "This is an emergency, man. I need to talk with my sister."

  Wayne looked across the room. Thad shook his head. He'd already told every Notus member not to hand over any information that would give Lena's location away. While he remained oblivious to the reasons why Lena wanted to cut all ties, he had to respect her decision. She had a right to live her life the way she wanted when it came to her family.

  But, he wasn't going to give her a choice when it came to him.

  "Let's go," said Thad.

  Wayne dipped his chin and stepped in front of Jack taking his leave.

  Jack moved to stay with him. "Listen, our mom is dying. Hospice comes in every day, taking care of her. They say she could die within the next two weeks, if not sooner. Colon cancer. My sister needs to know."

  "Sorry." Wayne motioned toward the door.

  Thad followed his president outside, shutting the door behind him. He inhaled deeply, shaking off the stifling air inside the house.

  He'd need to tell Lena about her mom, even if she refused to make contact. Her mother was dying.

  "I get the kid is stressed with his mom dying, but he's a punk ass." Wayne threw his leg over his motorcycle. "Were you hearing what I was hearing?"

  Thad slipped on his helmet. "Yeah, he doesn't give two shits about Lena."

  "Maybe getting her back here has to do with their mom's last wish to see her daughter." Wayne zipped up his leather Notus jacket and put on his riding gloves. "Out of your hands now that you two broke up."

  "We're not...," mumbled Thad, regret over telling the club his personal life when they were dealing with business left him irritable. "I'll ride over and talk to
Lena when we roll back into St. John's. Tell her about her mom, though I doubt it'll make a difference."

  Wayne toed the kickstand. "If we go now, we'll be back in two hours."

  "Lead the way, Prez," said Thad.

  As far as he was concerned, Lena could say what she wanted about their relationship and refuse to see him, but she still belonged to him. He wouldn't accept her wanting to drop what they had going on until he understood the reason why. What they had together had nothing to do with her family wanting to find her or her changing her name. He didn't give a shit about all of that.

  He rode to the right and a bike length away from Wayne through downtown Eugene. Since he had to work all week and knew Lena's schedule had her off on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, he'd stayed away this past week. Hoping distance would give her time to screw her head on right, he wasn't going to let today go to waste.

  Wayne accelerated and took the entrance to I-5. Thad checked his mirror, gave some throttle, and merged with the traffic, sticking with Wayne.

  A couple of hours riding through constant traffic, Thad exited the interstate into the south-side of St. John's. At the first stop sign, he motioned to Wayne the direction he would go. Wayne lifted his chin and pulled away going in the opposite direction. Once traffic broke, he headed toward Lena's neighborhood.

  On the last turn, he spotted her ass. She jogged on the sidewalk one block from her house. He pulled over ahead of her, planning to give her a ride, and she jogged right past him.

  "Stubborn woman," he muttered, pulling away from the curb.

  The idea that talking to her would be fucking easy disappeared.

  He pulled into Lena's driveway and was off the motorcycle before she cut across the front lawn. He made it to the front door before she could go inside and shut him out.

  She came to a sudden stop and planted her hands on her hips. His gaze went to her breasts hidden underneath her sweatshirt. Her chest rose and fell with her heavier breathing.

  He looked back up at her face. Her skin glowed, and her cheeks were red, reminding him of how she looked after he'd fucked her.

  Lena ripped the earbuds out of her ears and let them hang over the collar of her sweatshirt. "What do you want?"