Sleeping with Paris

by Juliette Sobanet

  Please let Lexi be okay. Please.

  When I reached her room, I found Brad sitting by Lexi’s bedside, holding her hand.

  I knocked lightly on the door.

  “Hey,” Brad said, rising to his feet. His dark hair was a mess, his eyes bloodshot and exhausted. This wasn’t the same Brad I’d met at the hotel Christmas Eve night.

  I didn’t say anything. I just hugged him.

  “Thank you for coming.”

  I nodded as I peered around his broad shoulders. Lexi lay underneath a pale blue sheet in a metal hospital bed, her cheeks chalky white, gray circles lining her sunken-in eyes. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Yes, she’s stable anyway. She took a lot of pills. The doctor said it was a really rough night. I just arrived from Rome this morning.”

  I walked up to her bed and laid my hand on hers. Her skin was so cold it made me shudder. Gone were her beautiful, smoky eyes, her olive complexion, her gorgeous, silky black hair. Instead, she looked sick and fragile, like a withered up rose, void of life.

  Lexi was completely broken. I squeezed her hand. I was so glad she was still here.

  “I’m so sorry, Brad. I can’t believe this is happening.”

  Brad joined me at Lexi’s bedside, where we both took a seat. “This has happened before, you know. A couple of times.”

  I opened my mouth, but I had no words.

  “I’m the only one who knows about it though,” he continued. “She’s never told anyone else. I know she’d be mortified if she knew you were here, but I couldn’t do it alone this time.”

  I placed my hand on his arm. “I’m glad you asked me to come. You shouldn’t be alone right now. What about your parents? Do they know?”

  Brad shook his head, a look of frustration passing through his coal black eyes. “Lexi didn’t tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “When I was fifteen, and Lexi was only thirteen, our parents died in a car accident.”

  “Oh my gosh, but Lexi said . . .”

  “She doesn’t like to tell people the truth. She doesn’t like to open up or let people in. She’s too afraid she’ll lose them.” Brad blinked his watery eyes as he gazed down at his sister. “It’s no way to live.”

  As I glanced back at my friend, the wires sticking out of her arms, the beeping machines at her bedside, suddenly everything that had happened in my life this past year came into focus. I realized that life is a total mess. And in trying to avoid love, I thought I was avoiding that mess. But the events of the wedding weekend compounded with Lexi’s scary situation were both proof that avoiding love only made the mess that is life that much more unbearable. The only way we were going to get through this crazy journey was if we all stuck together. And the only way any of it would matter was if we opened ourselves up to love.

  Even if it meant getting our hearts broken from time to time.

  Because the alternative, as Brad said, was no way to live. And Lexi, lying here in the aftermath of her attempt to end her own life, was more proof of that fact than I’d ever needed.

  Brad left the hospital room to eat, so I stayed with Lexi, stroking her hair and telling her it was all going to be okay. I didn’t know if she could hear me, but I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to know that she mattered.

  A few minutes later, I noticed her eyes blinking.

  “Water,” she whispered as she cleared her throat.

  I reached for the pitcher and handed it to her. She sucked down three huge gulps before coming up for air and meeting my gaze. “Charlotte, how did you . . .?”

  Squeezing her hand, I smiled softly at her. “I spoke with Brad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”

  She shook her head, tears instantly spilling over her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. This is so embarrassing.”

  I leaned forward and hugged her tightly. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m your friend, and I’m here for you. This is what friends do for each other.” I knew I hadn’t always been the greatest friend to Katie, Hannah or Fiona this past year, but I figured I could change that streak now.

  “Thank you,” she sniffled as she plopped her head back down on her pillow. “God, I can’t believe I’m here again. I’m such a mess.”

  “You’re going to get through this, Lexi. You are.”

  She wiped her eyes and gazed up at me, the wall she’d built around herself completely torn down. “I’ve lied to you a lot this year, Charlotte. I’m not a good person.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Brad told me about your parents. I’m so sorry.”

  “It wasn’t only that though. I never slept with Marc that night. I don’t know why I told you I did. I just . . .” she paused to gaze out the window, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I push people away. And I know it’s stupid, but I don’t know how else to be. Like Christmas Eve night in the hotel room with Dylan. I know you heard me crying the next morning.”

  “What happened that night, Lexi? I was worried about you.”

  “Dylan and I, we have a history. We’ve dated off and on for years, but I always fuck it up. It’s what I do. I fuck things up. And that night, he told me he loved me. That he’s loved me forever. And what did I do? I told him I didn’t love him. Then I asked him to leave.” Lexi’s lip quivered as she continued. “I’m just so scared, you know. What if he leaves me one day for someone else? What if I’m not enough? Or what if something happens to him? I don’t think I could handle it, Charlotte. I know I couldn’t.”

  I handed Lexi a tissue, seeing myself in her eyes. We had a lot more in common than I’d originally thought. “I understand, Lexi. I really do. If it makes you feel any better, I realized I’m in love with Luc, but I screwed it all up this past weekend too.”

  “I knew you were falling for him,” she said, wiping underneath her eyes. “That’s why I wasn’t in touch these past few months. With you and Fiona both in relationships, I couldn’t handle it. But then where did that get me? Here. In a fucking hospital. Ugh. Sorry for being so pathetic. It’s so sweet of you to be here for me.”

  “If you’re pathetic, then I am too,” I told her with a smile.

  “Alright, so tell me what happened at the wedding? How did you screw things up with Luc? And did you trip that bitch who stole your fiancé?”

  One day after an overdose, and sassy Lexi was still in there. I laughed as I told her the whole story. She seemed to cheer up as she learned that she wasn’t the only one who consistently pushed people away.

  After I finished talking, Lexi’s eyelids began to droop and Brad returned to the room. I gave her one more hug. “You’re going to get through this, and I’m here for you the whole way. You can call me anytime you need to talk, okay?”

  Her lips formed a weak smile. “Thanks for letting me know that you’re almost as big of a screw-up as me. I think I still win the prize though. You’re the best though, really.”

  Brad stepped into the hallway with me to exchange cell phone numbers. “As soon as Lexi is a bit stronger, I’m going to take her back to New York for a little while. We have some family there, and her doctor is there too. This is going to be a long road, but hopefully she’ll get better.”

  “Will you keep me posted?” I asked.

  “Of course. Thank you so much for being here.”

  I hugged him once more. “Of course.”

  Leaving the hospital, I breathed in the warm spring air and decided to walk home. Seeing what had happened to Lexi, and even more so, seeing myself in her eyes, had really put things in perspective. It showed me that no one’s life is perfect. That no matter how thick the walls are that we build around ourselves, if we don’t let people in from time to time, those walls will crumble, and we will be left alone.

  Katie and Fiona’s words from earlier this year came rushing back to me as I crossed the Seine and took in the life that buzzed through Paris. I couldn’t hide any longer. I couldn’t keep looking at relationships as black or white.

 
I needed to value the people who had been there for me all along. I needed to make amends with everyone I’d hurt. I needed to get my priorities on track.

  And most of all, Lexi’s situation had shown me that there is no time to waste.

  ***

  Back in my room, with my computer mouse hovering over a round-trip ticket from DC to Paris, I dialed Katie’s number.

  “Hello?”

  “Katie, it’s Charlotte.”

  “Hey,” she said, her usual cheery tone masked with disdain.

  “I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but I hope you’ll at least hear me out.”

  She didn’t respond, so I kept going.

  “I want to apologize for not being there for you this year like I should’ve. You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry I wasn’t that kind of friend for you. I should’ve thought about how my actions and words were making you feel. I never meant to make you feel like your relationship with Joe wasn’t important, or that I wasn’t happy for you. And after what I did at the wedding . . . well, I completely understand if you need a break from me. But, instead of just telling you how sorry I am and telling you that I’ll be a better friend from here on out, I want to show you.”

  “What are you talking about, Charlotte?”

  “I want us to spend some time together, just the girls, like the old days. And I know you have your spring break coming up, so if you don’t already have plans, I’d like to fly you over to France, and then me, you, and my friend Fiona are going to take the train down to Lyon. I have the hotel and the train tickets reserved already. All you have to do is say yes, and I’ll have your plane ticket too.”

  “Charlotte, are you serious? How can you even afford this? This is crazy.”

  “Don’t worry about money. It’s all taken care of.” I planned on using the money I’d made from my Bella Magazine article to pay for Katie’s plane ticket. I figured it was the least I could do.

  “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I know I don’t, Katie. But I want to. I want to spend some time with you and show you that I’m still me. And that I’m sorry for being a crap friend. So please, just say yes.”

  She paused, her breath heavy on the other line. “When do I leave?”

  ***

  Dear Luc,

  I know you’re not ready to talk to me yet, and maybe you never will be after the way I’ve treated you. I just want you to know though that I’m so very sorry for the way I acted this past weekend, and for writing the article. I have no excuse for my actions, and all I can do is hope that someday you will at least want to be my friend.

  Even though I may not have always shown or expressed my feelings for you, I want you to know that spending time with you this year has been amazing. I’ve completely fallen in love with you. You are the most caring man I’ve ever known, and I only regret not giving you the chance to tell me earlier about your daughter. I know you will win her back.

  I’ll be in Lyon for the next two weeks with Katie and Fiona. I’ll have my phone with me though, so please call me if you’d like to talk. If not, I understand, but know that I’ll be here whenever, if ever, you want to be with me.

  Love,

  Charlotte

  After slipping the letter under Luc’s door, I lay in my bed, waiting for Katie’s arrival to come the next day and trying to remain hopeful. People make mistakes and ask for forgiveness all the time. Maybe this would blow over. Maybe leaving for Lyon and giving Luc some space was the best thing I could do. As I began to drift off, I desperately hoped that Luc would be waiting for me with open arms when I came back to Paris. But I couldn’t control the outcome. All I could do was hope.

  Twenty-three

  mardi, le 5 avril

  Don’t wait for love to come find you. Buy the train ticket, make the trip, and go get him!

  What have you got to lose?

  The next afternoon, Katie, Fiona and I boarded the train to Lyon. After Katie and I broke a sweat loading our gargantuan suitcases into the baggage compartment and Fiona effortlessly plucked up her mini roll-on bag and tossed it overhead, we took our seats and let out a collective sigh.

  Katie nudged me as she nodded to a skinny weasel of a man making his way down the aisle. “I see the French men are still sporting those excruciatingly tight jeans. What’s with that?” Katie had visited me in Lyon when I’d studied abroad in college, so she’d already witnessed France’s ball-hugging jeans phenomenon firsthand.

  Fiona laughed. “I thought the same thing the first time I came to France. That can’t be comfortable.”

  “I didn’t notice Luc wearing pants like that last weekend. Did you make him throw out all of his pants or something?” Katie asked.

  Masking the pang of sadness that ripped through me at the mention of Luc’s name, I laughed. “No, Luc was an exception to the rule . . . in more ways than one.”

  Katie patted my arm. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring him up. But while we’re on the topic, has anything changed? Have you heard from him at all?”

  I shook my head. “No, I left him a letter, hoping he might reconsider things. But I don’t expect him to. Not after what happened . . . but enough about that. This weekend is about spending time with my girls. Not about lamenting over a guy. I think I’ve done enough of that this year.” After seeing Lexi in the hospital earlier this week, I was determined to show Katie and Fiona a good time in Lyon.

  As the gorgeous French countryside zoomed past our window, the three of us got cozy in our seats and split a box of scrumptious Petit Écolier cookies. “So, tell me how things are going with your men,” I asked Katie and Fiona before biting into my milk-chocolate covered biscuit. “With all of my self-inflicted drama, I haven’t made enough time to get the scoop on your love lives. And I’m sorry for that. So it’s time to dish up.”

  Katie smiled. “Well, the latest on my end is that Joe invited me to come on his annual family vacation in Lake Tahoe this summer.”

  “Whoa. Meeting the fam. That’s serious,” I said. “Are you excited?”

  Katie hesitated. “Yes and no. First of all, it’s not just his mom, dad and three sisters. It’s his entire family. I’m talking like thirty people, kids included. So that’s a little overwhelming in and of itself. But the thing that really worries me is that I’ve met his older sister, Sophia, and she’s . . . how can I put this nicely? Well, screw being nice. She’s a raging bitch. She’s really protective of Joe, like he’s still a little boy or something, and she was grilling me all night. I mean, he’s a grown man and a doctor for God’s sake. I think he can handle himself.”

  “Did he ask his sister to tone it down a bit?” Fiona asked.

  “No, that was the other problem. Joe didn’t seem to think she did anything wrong. He told me that’s just the way their relationship is and I’ll have to learn to accept it.”

  “That’s tough,” I said, holding the box of cookies out for Katie. “But maybe she’ll chill out once she gets to know you. And if you and Joe keep getting serious, he’s going to have to listen to your concerns on this. It’s not fair for you to be treated that way when you haven’t done anything wrong.” I thought about how Luc had asked me to spend Christmas with his family, and how upset he’d been when I turned him down. If I had ignored my doubts and said yes, maybe things would be different now. I shook the thoughts away. There was no point in playing the “what if” game. After all, I couldn’t change the past . . . or any of the million mistakes I’d made. I could only move forward.

  “What about you, Fiona?” Katie asked. “Charlotte tells me you’re pretty serious with your boyfriend. Andrew, is it?”

  Fiona nodded. “Things are going . . . okay.” Fiona’s eyes darted out the window.

  “What’s up? Is everything alright with you two?” I asked.

  “Everything’s fine, really. He’s being a little weird, that’s all.”

  “How so?” Katie said.


  Fiona fidgeted with her hands in her lap. “Okay. This is really embarrassing, but I have to tell someone.” She leaned forward and peered around to make sure our train neighbors weren’t listening.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  A rose-colored flush crept up Fiona’s cheeks. “Ever since we got back together, Andrew has been wanting to do . . . interesting things in the bedroom.”

  I stifled a giggle. “Like what?”

  Fiona buried her face in her hands. “I can’t even believe I’m going to say this out loud. Please don’t judge me. And if you ever meet Andrew, don’t ever tell him I told you this. Promise?”

  “Promise,” Katie and I said simultaneously as we leaned forward in our seats.

  “Alright. He is completely obsessed with the arse.”

  Katie furrowed her eyebrows while I suppressed another laugh. “The arse? You mean, the ass? As in asshole?” Katie asked.

  “Shhh!” Fiona’s face turned lobster red as the flush spread up to the tips of her ears.

  “So he wants to have anal?” I whispered.

  “Yes, but it’s more than that,” Fiona whispered back. “He wants me to do things to his arse too.”

  “Oh, God. Like what? Finger it?” Katie asked, her eyes widened in terror.

  Fiona bit her lip. “Unfortunately for me, he quite likes that. I’ve only done it once. And I put gloves on of course. Oh, God. This is disgusting, isn’t it? Just horrifying.”

  I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Listening to Fiona’s prim and proper British accent talking about sticking fingers in her boyfriend’s arse was just too much. I burst out laughing.

  Fiona smacked me on the arm. “It’s not funny. This is a serious problem!”

  But Katie couldn’t keep it together either. She began giggling, and soon Fiona joined in until we all had tears streaming down our cheeks.