by Lucy Clark
‘I did. I do. I always will.’ Ethan tilted his head back and closed his eyes. ‘But she’s not here. She had swelling at the ankles, her blood pressure was up. She didn’t want to worry me. That’s what she said to me when we were in the ambulance, heading to the hospital. “I didn’t want to worry you as I know you’ve been hectic at work.” I felt so guilty. I still do.’ He dragged in a deep breath, then opened his eyes and looked at CJ. ‘Why didn’t she tell me? I could have helped her. Why was she so scared that she couldn’t tell me?’
‘Ethan, you can’t blame yourself. Even in today’s world, with all the medical advancements we’ve made, things still go wrong.’ CJ reached out her hand to him but he didn’t take it. Couldn’t. There was still something he had to tell her, something he hadn’t told anyone, something only he and the staff in the room at the hospital where his baby girl had been born knew. He clenched his jaw and sniffed as he felt tears begin to threaten. Not only were they tears of grief but also tears of anger.
‘Babies sometimes don’t make it through childbirth, especially with something like eclampsia,’ CJ continued.
‘And birth defects.’ The words were out before he could stop them and he sniffed once more.
‘What?’ The word was barely audible and she sat back up, her hand sliding from the table to rest protectively on her own child.
‘My little girl...’ No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the tears started to trickle down his cheeks. ‘Ellie—my little Ellie—she was...she had...’ He pursed his lips and accepted the clean tissue CJ fished from the pocket of her dressing gown. He dabbed at his eyes, then blew his nose.
‘Abigail had been drinking. I’d had no idea. None whatsoever. She’d been so stressed from her studies, with the pregnancy, with me not being there, and she couldn’t tell me any of that. She hid it all from me and then, when it was too late, when the eclampsia had taken hold, there was nothing to do but try and save the baby, but even then it was too late.’ Another tear ran down his cheek and before he knew it, CJ had somehow shifted her chair around so she was closer to him. She put her arms around him and he let her. She held him close and he let her.
‘Ellie lived for almost twenty-two hours. I changed her nappy, I held her, I told her... I... I loved her.’ The grief, the pain, the despair of losing his daughter came to the fore and he cried like he’d never cried before. CJ did nothing but hold him, support him. She didn’t ask questions. Instead, she cried along with him, sharing in his loss.
Eventually, he was able to ease back, looking around for more tissues. He spied the box on the kitchen bench and eased himself from CJ’s arms, before bringing the box back to the table and sitting down again. His legs weren’t strong enough to support him; every muscle in his body ached yet the relief at having finally told someone else about Abigail’s deception and the resulting consequences was overwhelming.
‘I gave Ellie a bottle and she wrapped her tiny fingers around one of mine.’ He blew his nose again and exhaled a calming breath. ‘I took photos of her but I’ve never shown them to anyone, I’ve never looked at them again.’
‘I’m so glad you took some pictures of her. She deserves that, she deserves to be remembered and loved by you for ever.’ As CJ spoke, a fresh bout of tears flowed down her own cheeks. ‘You’re an amazing man, Ethan, and you would have made an amazing dad.’
‘How could you possibly know that?’
‘Because of the way you talk about Ellie.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘You use the same tone my father used to use when he was talking about how much he loved me and my sister, and my dad was a great dad.’
He absorbed her words for a moment, then asked again, ‘Do you really think I would have been a good daddy?’
Her smile was bright and she nodded. ‘I know it. The way you look after me, the way you make me rest—it all makes sense now.’ It also explained the veiled anger and desperation she’d seen him convey towards Margaret. ‘I’m not going to do anything to jeopardise the health of this baby or myself. That’s why I brought you in, why I eventually agreed to hire a locum.’
‘I know.’ He reached out and brushed a few strands of hair from her eyes, tucking them behind her ear. ‘You’re willing to ask for help. You’re open and honest about your limitations. I like that about you.’ Whereas Abigail had hidden everything from him. She’d been drinking for months—he’d never known why—and whilst he carried his fair share of the blame in the situation, he’d also come to realise that Abby also bore that blame and had paid for it with her life.
Now, with CJ, it was as though a new world was being opened for him. A world with laughter and a tinge of hope on the horizon. Was it possible he didn’t have to keep punishing himself by working day and night, staring down the barrel of an early grave? He stared into CJ’s dazzling green eyes and cupped her cheek with his hand before leaning a little closer, the atmosphere between them changing from one of support to one of heightened awareness.
He couldn’t stop looking at her mouth and she couldn’t stop looking at his. It was as though leaning forward, bringing herself closer to him, to within kissing distance, was the most natural thing in the world.
‘CJ.’ He whispered her name, the sound soft, delicate and intimate. As he neared, their breath began to mingle, the pheromones blending to form a heady combination. When she licked her lips in anticipation, he exhaled slowly but continued to decrease the space between his mouth and hers.
Before she knew it, Ethan’s lips were pressed to hers, much the same as they’d been before, but this time there was more pressure, with the heightened need to figure out exactly what existed between them. She breathed in a deep, shaky breath before sighing into the kiss.
Bringing his other hand up to fully cup her face, he took his time exploring the tastes and flavours she exuded. She was sweeter than anything he’d ever experienced. She filled his senses completely. He could feel himself going under, wanting more, needing more, and she didn’t disappoint.
He’d thought that one kiss might get her out of his system. That one kiss might help him to sleep at night. That one kiss would be all he would ever need from her. He was wrong. Groaning, he leaned closer, sifting his fingers through her loose hair, the silkiness of the tendrils only adding fuel to the fire that was already burning wildly through him.
How was it possible to barely know someone yet feel such an undeniable attraction? How was it possible to trust someone, to experience the primal need to take everything being offered? And it was being offered, on both sides. Both of them were one hundred percent involved in the moment, in the heat and delight. What it meant, CJ had no clue but while the exquisite torture continued, she was going to ensure she savoured every moment.
This was passion as she’d never felt it before. How could he stir such incredible longing with a few teasing and exploratory kisses? It was incredible and she felt as though she were floating...lifted up on the wings of desire—desire she was thrilled to discover was mutual.
As though he wanted to continue the slow discovery of every part of her mouth and the secrets contained therein, he sighed with delight, his mouth moving over hers in a sensual caress—a lover’s caress. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to cope. She had thought she was on fire before with his testing kisses but now...now the flame had been fanned into something more—a fire that was taking her senses up on an internal climb so high, she felt as though she’d erupt like bright fireworks. Fire-stars, she’d called them as a child and now the term seemed appropriate to describe how he was making her feel. Fire-stars bursting brightly, one after the other as his mouth moved carefully and meticulously over hers.
It was as though he had to memorise every part of her. You do, he told himself, because this moment in time needs to last you for ever. Now that he’d done it, now that he’d given in to the urge to kiss her, he wanted it to be thorough.
The way she res
ponded, not holding back a thing, had him losing his head completely. It was just like her to be so honest with her emotions and he had a glimpse of the love and promises she would have offered to her husband. The man had hurt her, broken her, used her and discarded her. At that thought, Ethan’s hands slipped from her hair to her shoulders, somehow wanting to convey the information that he wasn’t that sort of man, that he wasn’t callous and calculating. If she’d offered him such a gift, he would do everything in his power to cherish it.
That thought was enough to break the hold the delightful taste of her had evoked upon his senses. He broke his mouth free and pressed kisses to her face. He shifted his chair, bringing it closer to hers before nuzzling her earlobe. Was that what she was offering? Was she offering herself to him? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t have a clear read on the situation. All he knew was that her hair was soft and silky to his touch as he brushed it out of the way so he could rain kisses on the sensitive hollow of her neck.
‘Mmm...’ she moaned, and shivered slightly as goose-bumps broke out over her skin. It was torture, sheer, sweet, torture, and she never wanted it to stop. With an impatience she couldn’t control she willed his lips to stop the pleasurable torment and return to her mouth. ‘Kiss me,’ she whispered, the words hardly audible, but he heard them.
Her words made him smile and helped those unwanted questions to be pushed to the back of his mind once more. It had been far too long since he’d felt this sort of desire, this sort of need, this sort of promise. Whatever this was, she was in it with him, side by side, clearly enjoying the ride as much as he. He pressed another round of kisses to the other side of her neck, enjoying the way she moaned and shivered beneath his touch. Finally, when he couldn’t stand it any longer either, he brought his mouth back to hers.
They both relaxed into the kiss, their lips eager to become reacquainted, eager to continue with the journey into the unknown, unexplored desire that had been building between them since that first day in the supermarket. Even though it was all still new, he felt as though he’d been kissing her mouth for ever. The taste of her was genuine and her scent was a powerful, natural aphrodisiac.
Never had he expected such a gamut of emotions when he’d given in to the urge to kiss her. Her tongue lightly outlined his lips and he heard himself groan, amazed again at how this woman could override all his warning signals, his brick walls, and shoot him straight through the heart.
The heart?
The thought was enough to make him pull back. He cupped her face in his hands and stared down into her eyes, both of them breathing heavily. Her green eyes were glazed with pent-up frustrations and desire. Her lips were slightly swollen and pink—irresistible. Just gazing at her now had him wanting her all over again.
He wanted to give in but knew if he did, there was no way he’d have the willpower to stop things from taking their natural course. They kept gazing at each other as their heart rates gradually returned to normal. Her eyelids started to close and she rested her head on his shoulder, sighing contentedly.
‘Sleepy,’ she murmured, and couldn’t help the yawn that escaped. She stayed where she was for a while, Ethan feeling her head become more heavier than usual. Eventually, he eased back, once more cupping her face in his hands as he looked down into her exhausted face.
‘Go to sleep,’ he murmured, and couldn’t resist kissing the tip of her nose. He’d wanted to kiss her mouth again, to press promises to her luscious and addictive lips, but thought better of it. Losing control once was something he could live with. Repeating the action again and again would just be asking for trouble.
‘Mmm...’ Her eyes remained closed and she smiled at his words. ‘I’ll just clean up and—’
‘Go to bed, CJ. I’ll take care of things.’
‘You always do that. You always say you’ll take care of things.’ As she spoke, she opened her eyes and looked at him. ‘But you also need to take care of yourself.’ Raising a tired hand to his face, she caressed his cheek. ‘You’ve locked yourself away for so long, you’ve been filled with so many different emotions—anger, pain, disappointment.’ CJ yawned again. ‘Be kind to yourself, too.’ Then she put her hands on the table in order to lever herself from the chair. Ethan quickly stood and helped her up.
‘Sleep. I’ll make some food and leave it in the fridge for you, ready for your early morning snack.’
‘You don’t have to—’ She broke off as another yawn claimed her.
‘Go lie down.’
‘All right, Dr Bossy, I’m going.’
He heard her chuckle as she shuffled from the room and disappeared down to her end of the house. He sat there, listening to the sounds as she went to the bathroom before getting into her bed. How could his hearing be so acute, so in tune with every move she made? More to the point, how could he have given in to the urges he’d been doing his best to resist ever since he’d entered CJ Nicholls’s world? He’d kissed her! He’d kissed his colleague...his pregnant colleague. What had he been thinking?
He hadn’t.
Plain and simple—he hadn’t.
The strange thing was, he expected to feel a world of guilt descend upon him again because he’d been unfaithful to Abigail’s memory, but it didn’t. If there was one thing kissing CJ had helped him to realise, it was that he had a right to be angry with Abigail. He hadn’t wanted to before. He hadn’t wanted to tarnish her memory, not when he’d been grieving the loss of both her and Ellie. His sister and brother had stood by him, his parents, too. They’d done everything they could to support him, none of them realising why he’d just shut everything out, why he’d moved into the apartment and why he’d never wanted to talk about it.
Lo and behold, six years later it was a caring and honest woman who had helped him to see the truth. Yes, he’d failed Abigail by not realising she’d found it so hard to talk to him when she’d started drinking. Yes, he’d failed their marriage by not paying more attention to her. Yes, he’d been so consumed with his own ideals of what his life should entail, namely career success and a stable home life. At the time, he’d had neither, so he’d thrown himself into achieving the former once he’d lost the latter.
CJ had helped him realise these things. Even if she hadn’t known it she’d been chipping away at the walls surrounding him; just by being open and honest and accepting, she’d provided him with the tools he’d needed to chip away at those walls from the inside.
Ethan dragged in a deep breath, realising he wasn’t able to completely fill his lungs. He frowned but rationalised it was understandable tonight. He’d stepped from the darkness into the light but even as he stood and began preparing a simple meal CJ could easily reheat later on, he felt imaginary shackles from his past start to fall away. The problem was that as they released him from their holds, new questions arose. If he wasn’t locking himself away, hiding from the past, it meant it was time to face his future—whatever that was.
As he put a container of food in the fridge for CJ then quickly tidied up the kitchen, he glanced towards her door. Was CJ part of his future?
‘No.’ The word escaped his lips almost as instantly as the thought had come. His world didn’t involve Pridham. His life was in Sydney, being a surgeon and saving lives. Wasn’t it? After everything he’d endured, he wasn’t the type of man to enjoy uncertainty but of one thing he was certain—there would be no more kissing the alluring CJ. She wasn’t the answer to his problems and he would be wrong to include her. She had her own issues to deal with and massive changes were about to impact her life. The last thing she needed was to be saddled with his baggage.
CHAPTER NINE
‘THIS IS THE third time you’ve been here in under a week, CJ,’ Donna said when CJ dropped around to see her on Friday evening. ‘How are you feeling tonight?’
‘Bit of back pain but a wheat bag will help with that. It’s as though baby’s running out of room in the front
so is starting to expand towards my spine.’ She chuckled ‘Or that’s how it feels.’
‘Come and see me tomorrow morning and we’ll do a check-up.’
‘OK.’ She nodded. ‘I just wanted to give you an update on the patient I saw today.’
‘I thought Ethan had taken over most of the house calls.’
‘I’ve done a few.’ CJ sighed, a frown furrowing her brow. ‘Ethan’s so determined to ensure I’m resting, I don’t think he wants me to do anything.’ Every time she’d seen him during the past week, all he’d expressed had been his concern for the baby and that she needed to rest. There had been no mention of their kiss, of what he’d shared about his past, about anything that had occurred that night, and all it had done was to confuse CJ even more.
He’d taken to being out of the house early and when he was home in the evenings, he worked in his room. Oddly enough, he still kept cooking food for her, although he’d do it either when she was in the shower or having a snooze. Yet every time she went to the kitchen to find something to snack on, there in the fridge was a balanced and nutritious meal that she could heat in the microwave. Considerate and confusing. That was Ethan.
‘Is that why you keep coming around? To show him you’re not completely useless?’
‘No. I come here because I need to tell you about the patients. Keep up, Donna.’ CJ snapped her fingers at her friend, then smiled. ‘And also because I miss our chats. When you go from being crazy busy and talking to people all day long to just lying around with your feet up, doing nothing but dozing, it’s surprising how quickly you become bored.’
‘So you decided to still drop in on patients?’ Donna checked.
CJ shrugged one shoulder. ‘Old habits...but I do it mainly to satisfy myself that my patients are OK. I saw Margaret today.’
Donna nodded. ‘She’s one we’re all worried about. How was she?’
CJ made the so-so gesture with her hand. ‘She’s not drinking, at least, not that she’s admitting, but she’s very depressed. Those two nights she spent in hospital made her realise that her situation is extremely serious.’ CJ shook her head.
