by Rachel Lee
He arched his brow, feigning horror. “You like mopping a floor?”
“I didn’t say that,” she answered, a smile coming to her own face. “But I like what I see when it’s done. Such a sense of satisfaction. Do you feel that, too?”
“Around the ranch? You bet.”
“Thank you for the tea.” She reached for the cup, cradling it in her hands. “I’ve learned a lot about myself lately. And about others. It’s going to take some getting used to.”
“Take all the time you need.”
* * *
Cash had meant it, too, but as the weeks passed he wondered what was happening in his life, in Hope’s, in Angie’s. Things seemed to reach some kind of stasis, and he wondered if any of them were moving forward, or just waiting for the next bomb to drop.
Now that she had friends, Angie was a whole lot easier to get along with. She still had her moods, and sometimes blew up at him over what seemed like nothing, at least to him, but she was at long last settling in. She seemed to be fusing a deep relationship with Hope.
He wondered if that was a good thing. Hope would probably be moving on. While she seemed to be settling in at the ranch, and seemed to be mostly happy, he doubted she would want to stay once it became routine for her. Right now it was still fresh. He had only to think of Sandy to know what could happen when it grew stale.
Not that he wanted Hope to go. That worried him, too. Like his daughter, he was beginning to consider her an essential part of his life. Just having her there felt good, and he had no doubt that when she left he’d feel a big hole. He could handle it, but he wondered about Angie. She’d lost enough already.
Then there was his desire for Hope. That wasn’t waning at all. Despite his promise to make time for them, he hadn’t been able to, probably for the best. He had his own doubts about Hope, but he wasn’t the only one he had to worry about. Angie was around most of the time, and he worried what she would think if she knew her dad and friend were having an affair. The rest of the time, work demanded his attention. Unless he married Hope, he guessed he could pretty much forget taking her to bed again. Nor was he ready to consider such a thing yet. He couldn’t be sure Hope really wanted this life. How many times, after all, had she suggested she leave? Admittedly, she hadn’t done that lately, but that didn’t mean anything.
Hope’s belly began to swell until there was no hiding her pregnancy at all. Not that he thought it needed to be hidden, but it had certainly engaged Angie’s interest. The girl was as full of questions for Hope as a game show host.
Finally, as the days and weeks slid by, he decided he’d been a fool. He’d hired a nanny for his daughter because the girl needed help and companionship, and instead he’d got a whole bunch of other problems. Problems that had never crossed his mind.
Problems like developing emotional attachments that could be shattered the instant Hope decided to move on.
He couldn’t believe she would stay. This whole life was different from anything she was used to. Sandy had known what she was getting into and couldn’t handle it.
Why the hell would a Texas princess be any better?
At any moment, he half expected her to announce she was going home. Or just going away to someplace less dull.
Living on tenterhooks, wondering if he’d created the potential for another disaster, was killing him. Unfortunately, it was too late. He couldn’t protect Angie from loss. Or himself, for that matter.
Sometimes, life just stank.
Chapter Ten
Awareness came slowly, but Hope realized that Cash was withdrawing from her, trying to place a distance between them. After the burst of intimacy, after their lovemaking, things had at first seemed to be growing between them. Increasing closeness. Caring. Maybe it never would have amounted to any more than that, but what she felt now was a distinct chill.
He engaged her in fewer personal conversations. He seemed to be busier than ever, away from the house more than at the beginning. Apparently, he’d lost interest. Maybe that visit from her parents had convinced him that she was from another world and would never mesh with his.
She tried to be honest with herself. She was, after all, just his employee, hired to look after his daughter. Their brief fling had been the result of hormones and nothing else. Much as it hurt her to think of it that way, she reminded herself that he’d still given her a great gift, the gift of knowing Scott hadn’t ruined her for another man. He’d got her past the worst hump of her rape until these days she could look back on what had happened and understand it hadn’t been her fault or her failing. She was a good lover.
But apparently not good enough. Or maybe she just wasn’t right for Cash.
What was she thinking, anyway? This was a job. She’d needed it, she’d been given it and she should focus on that, not on some crazy illusion she had started to build that she could spend the rest of her life here.
Why had she ever dreamed of that, anyway? Just because Cash had been good to her? Protective of her? Because he took her to the doctor for her checkups?
She tried very hard to remember she was just a hired companion for Angie. She and the girl were getting along fairly well now, and Angie’s relationship with her father seemed to have settled a bit.
But as Angie came out of her shell and began spending more and more time with her new friends, Hope was beginning to feel useless in that role. She helped with cooking, she helped with cleaning, she even took over some of the accounting work from Cash, doing it during the days while he was out so he could have more free time in the evenings.
Despite that, he seemed to be finding additional reasons to work late, or disappear into his office.
She couldn’t mistake the wall he was building between them as if he had decided it had been a mistake to ever breach it.
She looked down at her swelling belly, as sorrow filled her yet again, and wondered if she should just leave now or should wait until the baby was born. It might be easier for Cash and Angie to settle into a routine before she became a bigger part of it. Yet Angie was so excited about the coming baby she rivaled Hope with her interest.
So she hesitated amid the growing chill. Her bank account could still use some padding, although Cash had been generous enough in paying her. She wouldn’t even have expected minimum wage for what she was doing around here, especially since she was getting room and board, but he paid her more than that while taking care of her medical bills.
It was just a job. They never should have crossed the boundary, as he was making clear. The only question now was how much longer she would be needed here. Or even wanted, at least by Cash.
She just needed to tough it out. Mostly for Angie. As for her own feelings for Cash, which seemed to have grown deeper despite everything, she just needed to put them on ice. They could go nowhere. Were going nowhere.
Just a job. She repeated the mantra to herself a hundred times a day and tried to stay too busy to think.
Six weeks after her parents’ visit, she answered the phone, expecting it to be Angie saying she wanted to bring a friend over, or spend some of the weekend at Mary Lou’s. Those requests were becoming more common, a good sign for Angie.
But instead, she heard her mother’s voice. In an instant everything inside her froze somewhere between terror and longing.
“Hope.”
For several seconds she couldn’t answer. Then, weakly, she said, “Hello, Mother.”
“I know...I realize... Well, this has all been terribly ugly.”
Something both her parents loathed. Hope braced herself, wondering if she should just hang up.
“We smoothed it over, saying you’d been taken ill and gone to a clinic. Everyone is moving on.”
Bitterness turned Hope’s mouth sour. “How good for you and Scott.” She nearly choked on that man’s name.
&nbs
p; “Yes. Well. That’s not what I’m calling about. It’s... Oh, Hope, I don’t agree with your father.”
Another wave of shock ran through her. She didn’t make a sound, merely tried to find a breath so her heart wouldn’t stop beating.
“The point is... He might disown you, but I’m not. I can’t. I...” Her mother’s voice broke then steadied. “I realize you can’t come back to Dallas, at least not for a long time but...I want to see my grandchild. I want to see you. So...I’m thinking of flying up there when the baby comes.”
Forever passed before Hope could manage to speak. Her heart was galloping like a horse in the Preakness, her breaths came in short gasps, and her entire universe seemed to be whirling. “I, um...I don’t know if I’ll still be here, but...it wouldn’t be my decision. This is Mr. Cashford’s home. I would have to clear it with him and...” Something inside her seemed to snap, just a little snap, but it freed her in some way. “I’m not sure myself. I need to think about this.”
“Of course you do,” Mrs. Conroy said swiftly. “Can I...call again in a few weeks?”
“I guess.” It was the best Hope could do. Once again her world was being thrown into a blender and she felt as if everything were topsy-turvy. When she hung up, her thoughts were so scattered she couldn’t gather them up.
Her mother wanted to see the child? Wanted to visit? The daughter she had been wanted that so badly. This was her mother. But another part of her resisted, reminding her of all the ugliness that had come before her flight. Her mother hadn’t defended her then. Not a bit.
She even felt a wave of suspicion. This could be some kind of ploy. Some new angle of attack designed to protect Scott.
God! She put her head in her hands and let the world spin, wondering where or when it would ever settle.
* * *
Angie breezed through the door at four, took one look at Hope and dropped everything. “What happened? Is the baby all right?”
“Everything’s fine,” Hope lied, wondering if her face had turned into some kind of neon sign. Hiding her feelings had long been demanded of her. A smooth, pleasant face at all times. Apparently she’d lost the skill.
“No, it’s not,” Angie said firmly. She tossed her jacket over a chair, disregarding the house rules she’d been following lately, and grabbed Hope’s hand.
“You’re coming with me. I know you always want tea, but I have something better.”
“What?” Hope asked distractedly.
“Hot chocolate. Chocolate is good for nearly everything that ails you.”
A little laugh, more nervous than anything, escaped Hope as she allowed herself to be dragged into the kitchen and plopped at the table.
“My mom taught me how to make the good hot chocolate,” Angie said as she began to rummage in the refrigerator. “Lots of cocoa powder, cream, sugar...” In no time at all she was heating the concoction on low heat. “Sorry, it takes a few minutes.”
“I’ll survive.”
“Of course you will,” Angie said stoutly. “Besides, we don’t have to wait for that to have chocolate.” She disappeared into the pantry and came out with a candy bar. Putting it in front of Hope she said, “Open it. I’m going to have some with you.”
Hope found herself wondering who was the adult right now. For the first time in a while she felt amusement flicker through her.
“So what happened?” Angie demanded as she stirred the pot on the stove. “Something did.”
A lot of things were happening, but Hope seized on the most immediate thing. “My mother called.”
“That witch?” Angie turned and looked over her shoulder. “What did she want? Your head on a platter?”
“God, you’re too much.”
Angie grinned. “And you love it. So?”
Hope hesitated only briefly. “She said she wants to come visit when the baby is born. That she wants to see her grandchild and doesn’t want to disown me.”
Angie astonished her then. “I bet an invitation to come home wasn’t included.”
“No. No, it wasn’t.” This thirteen-year-old was beginning to seem a lot smarter than her years.
Angie shrugged. “Must be fun to be the big family embarrassment. So far I haven’t managed that, although I think there were a few times Dad wanted to send me to Antarctica to cool me off.”
In spite of everything, Hope felt her spirits lifting. “He’d never do that.”
“Oh, I know. I finally figured that out. But I was pretty hard on him, wasn’t I?”
“I think he was getting to the edge of desperation.”
“Me, too. At the time I liked it. I don’t want to make him feel that way anymore.”
“You had a lot to be mad about, losing your mother and moving.”
“Yeah, I guess. But at some point I realized I wasn’t the only one things happened to. You helped me realize that. Bad things happen, right?”
“Sometimes, yes.” Inwardly, Hope uncoiled a bit. Apparently her time here hadn’t been wasted. She opened the chocolate bar and broke off a piece, then popped it into her mouth. She pushed the wrapper across the table for Angie to help herself.
“Oh, no,” Angie said, deserting the stove briefly. She pushed the bar back. “You need more than that to get the benefit.”
“You’ll make me fat.”
“Not a chance. Not even with that baby. Say, when are you going to find out whether it’s a boy or a girl?”
“When it’s born.”
“Got any names in mind?”
That provided a safe topic of conversation until at last Angie filled two mugs with frothy hot chocolate and joined her at the table. “I like it bitter, so if you want more sugar, let me know.”
Hope took a cautious sip. “This is great.”
Angie beamed. Then she dropped the hammer. “So are you going to let your mother visit?”
“It’s not my decision alone,” Hope said. “I mean, if I’m still here.”
Angie’s smile faded and she looked down. “You’re thinking about leaving?”
“I’m not sure I’m needed here anymore.” It hurt to say it, but it was true. Angie and her father were at last developing a workable relationship, at least when he was around. For Cash’s part, he seemed to wish she was already gone. Where did that leave her? Depending on a man’s charity until the baby came? Her pride rebelled at that. She was through being “kept” by anyone.
Just then the back door opened. Cash. She heard the familiar weight of his steps, the sound of him jacking his boots off and hanging his jacket. Time to change subjects, she thought. She sought for something safe to say, but as Cash entered from the mudroom, Angie leaped to her feet.
“Hope is thinking about leaving!”
Stunned, Hope couldn’t bring herself to look up from her mug. Silence filled the kitchen. Apparently Cash hadn’t taken another step.
“It’s your fault,” Angie said. “Yours!”
“What did I do?”
“That’s exactly it,” Angie nearly shouted. “She doesn’t feel wanted around here anymore, and it’s because of you.”
Hope began to tremble inwardly, but she knew this had to stop now. She didn’t want to create a rift between Angie and her father. “I didn’t say that,” she said as clearly and loudly as she could manage.
“You didn’t have to say it,” Angie went on. “You said you don’t feel needed anymore. Well, I know why that is. Dad has been acting like the last place he wants to be anymore is in this house. With you. I’m just a kid and I can see it.”
Cash didn’t answer. Hope felt his silence like lead in her heart. She was about to lose something else, and though she’d been wrestling with her own scattered thoughts, in that instant it all became so clear that she thought the pain of impending loss might kill h
er.
The baby poked her, hard, but for once she didn’t feel like smiling. She thought she had known pain after the betrayal of her parents and Scott, but this felt a million times worse.
“I want her, Dad. Even if you don’t. I like having her here. She makes me feel good. She’s a great friend. Don’t you dare send her away!”
“I’m not sending anyone away,” Cash said in a measured voice. “That’s the last thing I’m considering.”
“Then maybe you ought to stop acting like we have the plague in this house.” With that, Angie ran from the room. Her steps thundered up the stairs, then her bedroom door slammed hard enough to be felt throughout the house.
“What the hell?” Cash said quietly. After a moment, he pulled out a chair and sat. “What did you say to her?”
Hope’s hands tightened around her mug. Her stomach roiled until she thought she might vomit. “Very little,” she murmured. “That I wasn’t sure I’d still be here when my baby comes because I was feeling like I wasn’t needed anymore. You guys have a decent relationship now.”
“The relationship just blew up. Again.” A bald statement without even a hint of sarcasm.
No way could she bring herself to look at him. She had evidently just undone everything they had been working toward, all because she was drowning in self-pity. So the man wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention to her. She was just an employee, after all. He wasn’t required to notice her at all.
“I’m sorry.” She hated how small her voice sounded. “I don’t know why Angie’s blaming you. She really shouldn’t. I’m just an employee here and it’s not your fault you’re so busy.”
“It’s not busy. She’s right about that. I’ve been avoiding you.”
She felt as if a knife stabbed her heart. She squeezed her eyes shut and wondered if she would be able to draw another breath ever again. How had this become so important to her? For weeks now she’d been aware of disappointment that Cash seemed to be so busy, that he might be avoiding her, but hearing it from his lips made it all so real she wanted to scream from the anguish.
