by Cassie James
“No, I’m sorry.” She glances over at me nervously, and I’m about to tell her it’s not her fault what happened, but then we turn onto our court and I realize she’s not apologizing about Jax. The court is flooded with cars, half as many as the first time I saw the place, but it feels like déjà vu nonetheless.
I look down at what I’m wearing, my old, ratty discount store jeans and Jake’s Nikon Park High sweatshirt tucked under a bulky winter coat. The coat is new, but in my other clothes I look like I’m showing up here for the first time all over again. Sadie did try to convince me to change into something a little nicer before we left, but I was adamant that I was comfortable in what I had on. I’m sure regretting that decision now. There’s nothing technically wrong with the clothes I have on, but experience has taught me it’s a lot easier to face these people when I look like I’m one of them.
“I tried to convince Pearl that this was a bad idea, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She wouldn’t let me have any input on the guest list, either.” Sadie winces, and I know that’s not a good sign for me. “If you want, I’m fully willing to ask this guy to turn around and drive us as far away as his contract will let him. I mean, Pearl seems like the kind of lady who would murder me in my sleep, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take for you.”
That is so, so tempting. Running away won’t fix anything, though. In fact, if all these people are here and I don’t show up, I’ll never live that down. I’d rather just get it over with. I’m also curious to see what the hell Pearl is up to. The day I came home early from school, I let the whole sordid story come spilling out. She knew what these people did to me. If she’s inviting them into our home, I hope it’s for a good reason.
“I can do this, but thank you.” I reach across the seat and squeeze her hand in reassurance. The driver maneuvers a path through the parked cars to get us to the driveway. I don’t bother waiting for him to get out and open our door, I open it myself and practically leap out. If I give myself even a second to breathe I’m going to chicken out.
Sadie’s right behind me as I head up the stairs and push the front door open. Pearl’s right there in the entryway waiting for me. She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She steps closer so she can pat me on the shoulder and I understand the gesture. She knows I don’t want to do this but for whatever reason, she wants me to do it anyway.
“I should change,” I tell her with a smile that I’m sure looks as pasted on as hers does. Sadie starts to follow but I don’t need her to. Not this time. “Thanks, but I have an idea and I’m gonna run with it.”
She lets me go alone, I’m sure wondering if I’ve lost my mind somewhere along the short walk from the car to the front door. I just think if I’m going to be on display tonight then I’m going to do it my way. That first time I stood up to Jax I told him if people were going to talk it was going to be because I earned it. I felt strong when I did that and now that’s a feeling I want to rekindle. I slip into the room with all of my clothes and go straight to where I know the dress I’m looking for is hanging.
It’s the one I wore my first day here, the one that Sadie gave me. I tear out of my clothes and slip into the familiar dark lace. I put the same shoes on, too, hoping to zap some strength out of their red bottoms. I want to believe that a girl can do anything if she’s got the right pair of shoes.
When I step out, I do feel slightly more fortified for what’s to come, but I still need a minute to myself. It’s pure instinct that leads me to the second-story balcony. Apparently, I’m not the only one.
“I was hoping you’d find your way back here.” Smith whistles. “Same dress and everything. Bold move.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, looking more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him. It would be so easy for me to turn around and leave him there. I don’t. I close the door behind me and take a couple steps towards him. He meets me halfway.
“What are you doing up here, Smith?” It’s too cold for him to be waiting around out here for me, especially without a coat.
“There’s something I never got a chance to give you. I wanted to give it to you a while back, back when Brent had that party on his dad’s yacht, but…” He trails off, and I know we’re both remembering how quickly that night went to hell. I’d forgotten all about him telling me had something for me. Honestly, at the time I’d just assumed it was a gimmick to try to get me alone and put the moves on me.
Smith reaches for something on the balcony ledge and then hands it to me. It’s a book. I take it carefully in my hands, studying the worn leather cover as I turn it over in my hands. “What is this?” I study the spine but I’m even more confused when I see the title Moby Dick. “Why are you giving me this?”
He puts one hand over mine on the back cover to steady the book and then opens the front cover with the other. There’s a handwritten note on the title page: It is not down on any map; true places never are.
“I don’t get it.” I know this isn’t Smith’s handwriting. I’ve heard Sadie giving him crap for his terrible handwriting on more than one occasion, and this handwriting is pristine.
Smith flips the book over in my hands and opens it from the opposite side. There are two words written in the same handwriting, but they aren’t so much words as they are a name. Hollis Lexington. I don’t know if that means the book belonged to him or if it was meant as a gift to someone else, but either way it begs the question, “Where did you get this?”
For a moment, I worry Smith isn’t going to answer me. He grinds the toe of his shoe against the ground, staring down at the spot as he blows out a long breath. “This book came from your grandfather’s study. I have it because I stole it.” My eyes widen as I gape at him. I’m really more surprised that he’s admitting to it than the fact that he did it in the first place.
I flip from the back to the front several times in a fruitless effort to make sense of this. It feels important somehow, like a piece of a puzzle that I’m trying to solve without knowing what the picture is supposed to be. Deep down, I do know that Smith wouldn’t be giving me this if it didn’t serve a purpose.
“It’s a quote from the book.” Without even looking at the page, he’s able to recite it, “It is not down on any map; true places never are.”
“What does it mean?” I trace my index finger over the words.
Smith shakes his head. “I have no idea. I was just a kid when I took it right off your grandfather’s desk. He was having a Christmas party and our group was just old enough to be left mostly to our own devices. It was the first year they didn’t make us stay with nannies. We were playing hide and seek and I hid under Old Man Lexington’s desk. Patrick was the one that found me. He knocked the book off the corner of the desk when he was running to go look for someone else. We all knew about the rumored treasure, even then. When I saw the inscription it just seemed important, so I took it. I tucked it under my shirt to hide it until I got home. I kept it all this time because I’ve always felt like maybe there was a hint there, and if I could just figure out what it meant I would have a clue no one else had.”
“But now you’re giving it to me.” I close the book, reveling in the feel of it in my hands. This is a seriously amazing gift he’s giving me. It makes me feel guilty for assuming the worst of him the first time he tried to give it to me.
“We all hated it when the story broke that you’d been found. Everyone knows Pearl has no interest in solving the Lexington mystery herself, but all of us figured you’d be hot to solve it as soon as you found out. You didn’t have anything, we figured you’d come rolling in here desperate to get your hands on anything you could.”
“That’s not fair.” That isn’t me at all. Even now that I know the mystery exists, I care less about the monetary value and far more about the fact that it’s part of my family legacy. It feels like a mystery that rightfully belongs to me.
“Yeah, I figured that out pretty quick. That’s why I wanted to give you the book. You didn’t seem to know abo
ut your whole family history and I wanted to be the first to tell you. I thought doing that might mean we could be on the same team, solving the mystery together.” He shuffles his feet again. “I don’t know, it was stupid.”
It’s not stupid. I clutch the book to my chest, trying to ease the ache building there. For all the thoughtless things Smith has done, this goes a long way towards making up for all of it. With all the care in the world, I put the book back down on the stone ledge of the balcony. When I turn back, I snake my arms around Smith’s necks and pull him closer to me. This hug feels a hell of a lot better than our last one.
“Is it—” He’s angled his head towards mine to talk, but whatever he wanted to say is quickly forgotten as I turn my head to meet his. I know he wasn’t expecting it but it’s the only way of saying thank you that seems fit for a gesture this major.
It’s more than that too, of course. There’s something about Smith when he’s being this open and honest that I just like. This version of him is a far cry from the pot smoking wannabe rebel that I first met. I know that version of him is still there, but at least now I know for certain there’s more to him than that. With all of that in mind, I kiss the hell out of him. We kiss for so long that I forget all about the party I was supposed to be returning to.
After some time, the balcony doors open, startling us apart. I turn, Smith’s arm still around me, and come face to face with Jake. He looks between the two of us with an uncharacteristically blank face. None of us say anything right away. Smith tightens his arm around me so slightly that I almost miss it. Somehow, Jake doesn’t. He jerks his chin down to stare at where Smith’s hand is resting on my hip.
Jake is the first to break the silence. “I asked your aunt where I could find you. I guess I should have asked if you were alone.” There’s so much disgust written all over his face that it’s hard to stomach.
I take a step towards him but he shakes his head and storms back inside. This is the worst possible timing. I know that there are still feelings lingering between Jake and I, there’s just no reality where it can work between the two of us right now. The three hour distance isn’t nothing, especially not when Jake’s been working two jobs now to try to save for his own apartment.
“What are you doing?” Smith tugs me back when I start to follow Jake inside. Now he doesn’t look happy with me either, but Jake has been my friend for so long that I can’t just let him leave mad. If he walks away right now, I’m scared there won’t be any coming back from this.
I smile sadly as I shake my head at him. “I have to talk to him. You don’t have to understand my friendships just like I don’t understand yours, but you do have to let me go talk to him.” I hold my breath waiting for him to respond because if he doesn’t understand this then he doesn’t understand me. The people I love are not expendable.
He leans in and gives me one more quick kiss. “Go.” He says it breezily but I can tell from the pinched skin between his eyebrows that he doesn’t like sending me running after another guy. That’s a problem for another time, I guess.
Sadie’s the only one waiting for me at the bottom of the steps when I jog down them. I can hear Pearl’s voice carrying from one of the rooms, but lucky for me she’s out of view. I turn my head both ways, looking for any sign of my angry friend.
Feeling close to hopeless, I ask, “Did you see where Jake went?” Sadie looks like she’d rather not answer but she raises one hand and points limply towards the front door. I rush out, ignoring the stares coming from everyone close enough to see what’s happening.
Jake’s already climbing into his brother’s truck in the driveway. I run to him, grabbing the driver’s side door just as he starts to close it. He tries to tug but with all the adrenaline rushing through me I manage to tug harder. The door flings open, squeaking on its hinges.
“What?” he snaps.
My head jerks back. Jake’s never once snapped at me. Not even the time I accidentally caught him on fire at his family’s Fourth of July barbecue. He’s never looked at me like this before, either. We’ve never been on opposite sides before, but that’s how it feels now.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” I would never have risked him walking in on that if I’d known. No matter where things stand between us right now, he never should have had to be surprised by the sight of me with another guy like that. Especially not one that I was still angrily ranting about the last time we talked.
Jake laughs sarcastically. “Yeah, no shit, Jess.”
“Juliet,” I correct automatically. Right away, I know it was the worst thing I could have said in this moment. Jake’s face turns bright red as he fists his hands on either side of the steering wheel. He stares straight ahead, doing his best not to look at me now. “I’m sorry.” I’m not even totally sure which thing I’m apologizing for.
“No, you’re right. You’re not Jess anymore. Jess from Nikon Park? She was the best friend I’d ever had—and the only girl I’ve ever loved. But Juliet from Patience? I don’t know who the hell she is, and from what I’ve seen so far I don’t want to. You’re different here, and I don’t think it’s in a good way.” I try to get a word in, but he’s not done. “Every time you text or call me now it’s about these people and their problems. And now their problems are your problems because you’re one of them. You don’t remember where you came from anymore. Or maybe you just don’t care. But I’m still the same old Nikon Park trash and it’s clear there’s no room for me in this new life of yours.”
“Don’t say that.” Jake’s never been trash, not to me. None of what he’s saying is a reflection of how I feel. His words sting worse than if he’d hit me.
I try to reach for him but he flinches. “I am done. I can’t do it anymore.” He shakes his head and I want to argue but his jaw is set like his mind is already made up. “Now get out of the way before you get hurt.” A little late for that.
Wordlessly, I take a step back. Jake slams the truck door and starts the engine. I watch him pull away, shamelessly waiting even once he’s gone in the hopes that he’ll change his mind and turn back. He doesn’t.
Chapter 18
Sadie and Smith are waiting for me when I step back through the door. Their heads are close together talking but they fall silent when they see me. Sadie steps forward to offer me a hug and I take it gratefully. There’s a niggling thought in the back of my mind, though; is this me exchanging one friend for another? Is Jake right and given the choice I chose this new life in Patience over him? I wish now that all these people waiting for a party would disappear so I can digest what just happened. That’s just not an option.
I only now remember that I left Moby Dick on the balcony. “I need to go upstairs and get—”
“I put it in your room for you,” Smith cuts me off.
Sadie makes a face. “Ew. Don’t wander into people’s rooms by yourself. It’s creepy.”
Smith rolls his eyes at her at she sticks his tongue out at him. When something else grabs her attention he sends me a wink over her head. He was quick to cut me off before I said too much. She must not know about the book. Interesting.
“There you are.” Pearl steps out from the ballroom, her eyes cutting a quick glare to the Harringtons. “Come greet the rest of your guests.” She shoos me away from Sadie and Smith, the two of them not even attempting to hide their laughter as I’m dragged away to play host for a party I didn’t want.
They don’t leave me alone for long, though. The second Pearl leaves my side they both flank me like a protective service. Based on the snide comments I’m forced to endure from some of my guests—I need it. People are still talking about what Jax did, though of course it’s only actually my name that comes up even though he’s responsible for what happened. At one point, I lock eyes with Ace just before he disappears out the back door of the kitchen. He’s the first to look away, ducking out when no one else is paying attention. I imagine he’s going back to the same hiding spot where we first met. This time, I have
no intention of sharing it with him.
I’m just grabbing drinks for Sadie and me—non-alcoholic ones—and then I return to the ballroom where we’ve been standing around chatting with some girls who aren’t quite high enough on the social food-chain to get away with making the same underhanded comments other have made. I don’t think Sadie typically spends much time with them but we settle into a comfortable enough conversation that we stay with them awhile. Smith sticks close, too, popping around to talk to other people but never going far enough away that he can’t be back by my side in a matter of seconds.
There’s a moment where the girls are talking about vacations when I start to aimlessly examine the room. I’ve never been on vacation so I don’t have anything to add, but I’m trying not to let my mind go back to what happened with Jake. I know I won’t make it through the rest of the night if I let myself start thinking about it. As I’m looking around, my eyes land on Jax from across the room. It’s the first time I’ve seen him all night. I was starting to think he wasn’t here. But there he is, leaning against the wall while Allie Townsend practically rubs herself against him. I tell myself that’s not jealousy turning my gut. It has to be disgust. Disgust for him and what he did, but also for the fact that any girl would want someone like him. Forget the times I nearly fell prey to him myself, in my mind I’m doing my best to pretend those never happened.
He hadn’t noticed me at first, but then he happens to look up and lock eyes with me immediately. I don’t actually think it’s a coincidence. It looks like he knew exactly where I was before I caught him looking. With his face trained on mine, I notice something I didn’t when his head was angled. Jax has a horrible black eye with his left eye nearly swollen shut from it.
Smith touches my arm to get my attention. He frowns seeing my face and looks across the room to where I was just looking. When he looks back to me, I’m wondering if he had anything to do with that. He runs his hand down my arm, brushing the lace of my sleeves. “I really wish I could take credit for that, but, uh…” He nods his head towards a group a few feet away. I look over there but I don’t know who he would be talking about. “Patrick.”
