Muscling Through

by J. L. Merrow

  Mum knew, though. “Alan’s dad? Gawd knows. Ain’t seen him in years.”

  “Oh? But what about Al’s nieces and nephews? Doesn’t he want to be involved with his grandchildren?”

  “Oh, Lauren’s kids ain’t nothing to do with him. I met her dad when Alan was a toddler, we got married and everything. He lives down in London these days—reckons the money’s better. He’s a plumber. Gave my pipes a good seeing to, didn’t he?” Mum laughed, and so did Larry. “Lazy bugger, but at least he always sent the Child Support regular. Now, are we having the works, or just tea and a slice of cake?”

  “Oh, I thought we’d go for the full afternoon tea, if that’s all right with you?” Larry said all polite like. “I’m sure Al can help us out if we have trouble finishing it all.”

  “Too bloody right! Et me out of house and home, this one did, didn’t you, love? I swear, the day he moved out, the Tesco’s down our way had to lay off half their staff!”

  We had sandwiches cut in fingers and posh cakes and scones with jam and cream. Mum said she wouldn’t be able to eat for a week afterwards, but I was still a bit hungry. I don’t know what they did with all the crusts from the sandwiches. Maybe they put them out for the birds after everyone had gone home. I hoped so. It’d be a shame to waste them.

  Afterwards, Mum and Larry and me went for a walk down on Midsummer Common. It’s really pretty down there, with the trees and the river and everything. There were kids playing football and Frisbee with their dads.

  “You’re quiet,” Larry said to me. “That means you’re thinking of something.”

  I think I’m quiet lots of times, but it doesn’t mean I’m thinking about nothing. But I was that time. “My dad brought me down here sometimes when he came to visit,” I said. “We used to kick a football around a bit while Mum was looking after Lauren.”

  “She took a lot of looking after, the little madam,” Mum said. “I was glad enough to get one of you off my hands for an afternoon!” She gave me a dig in the ribs with her elbow, but I’m used to it, so it didn’t hurt or nothing. “Oh, but you were no bother, love. Always happy with your pencils and your paints, weren’t you? Some of them pictures weren’t bad.”

  “I’ve seen some of Al’s pictures, and I think they’re very good,” Larry said. “In fact, I’ve got a friend who owns a gallery not far from here, and I’m thinking of asking him to take a look at them.”

  “You’re never!” Mum stopped walking, she was so surprised. “Get away!”

  Larry smiled at her. “Oh, Al’s not just a pretty face.” Then he stopped smiling, ’cause Mum had dug her elbow in his ribs again.

  “Not just a pretty face? Gawd, you crack me up, Larry, you really do!” Mum was laughing like it was the best joke ever. “Bloody hell, I think I wet myself. Not just a pretty face! Sweetheart, you know I love you, but Gawd! I’ll never forget the time Lauren’s Chloe asked if you was an ogre like Shrek!”

  I laughed too, ’cause I remembered that. Larry didn’t laugh. He was rubbing his side. He muttered something, but I didn’t hear it.

  Larry didn’t seem to want to talk to my mum much after that. When we said goodbye to her, she said, “Now, Larry, you seem like a nice bloke and all, so I’ll give you fair warning: mess my boy around, and you’d better stop shopping at Sainsbury’s. Unless you fancy a bit of rat poison in your fruit and veg.”

  I was worried Larry would be pissed off with Mum, but he seemed to cheer up after that.

  That night, we were cuddled up in bed, and Larry asked me, “Do you miss your dad?”

  I nodded. Then I remembered it was dark, so Larry wouldn’t be able to see me. I mean, he probably felt my head move ’cause he had his head on my chest, but he probably couldn’t tell if it was a yes or a no. So I said, “Yes.”

  “When was the last time you saw him?” His voice made the hairs on my chest tickle.

  “When I was thirteen. I showed him my paintings and stuff, and he was dead proud of me. He taught me some boxing moves and said he’d see me next birthday, but he never turned up. Mum reckoned he must’ve been back in the nick.”

  Larry kissed my chest. “My poor darling.”

  “I kept hoping, but he never came again. Not on any of my birthdays. He’s probably dead or something.” My chest felt all tight when I said it.

  “You don’t know that,” Larry said, and he scrambled up the bed a bit and looked at me, but he didn’t turn the light on, so I don’t think he could’ve seen much. He kissed me on the lips that time, so I pulled him on top of me, and we kissed some more. I got hard like I always do when Larry’s on top of me, so we rubbed off on each other, really gentle at first, then harder and faster. I never met anyone who made me feel like Larry does. I don’t mean just the fucking. He makes me feel special, like I’m not just a set of muscles and a big cock. Larry ground down against me, and it was fantastic, so I grabbed hold of his arse with both hands and pressed him into me again. “God, I’m not going to last long,” he said.

  I thought that was good, ’cause I wasn’t going to last long either. I didn’t get to say it, ’cause Larry kissed me, pressing his lips into me like he wanted to eat me up, and I pushed up against him again and again, our cocks bruising each other, and then I was coming, and I groaned into his mouth, ’cause it felt like heaven. Larry rubbed against me till it was almost too much, almost painful, and then he said, “Oh God!” and he spurted hot come between us, mixing it with mine on my belly.

  Chapter Five

  I wanted to practise faces a bit, and seeing as it was just practice, I thought I might as well just draw my own face. I mean, it’s got eyes and a mouth and a nose just like everyone else’s, even if it is a bit squished. I thought it wouldn’t matter that I’m not good-looking or nothing.

  So I got out a mirror and started drawing. It was weird at first, but when I got into it, it wasn’t like I was drawing me, if you know what I mean. It was like it was just another face. So I did a sketch, but I wasn’t happy with it ’cause I thought I’d made my scar too big. I mean, it ain’t small, but it ain’t that big neither. So I had another go.

  After a while, Larry came up to see what I was doing. I told him it was just practice stuff, but he still wanted to look at it. So I showed him my sketches. “These are great,” he said. “Are you planning to do anything with them?”

  “Nah,” I said. “I was just going to bin them. They’re just practice.”

  “You can’t do that!” he said like I’d told him I was going to go to one of his posh college dinners with no tie on.

  I shrugged. “’S not like anyone’s going to want to see them.”

  “I want to see them!” Larry handed me back the first one I did. “I’m keeping this one,” he said, looking at my second sketch with this funny smile on his face.

  “You don’t want that,” I said. “’S bad enough you got to look at the real thing.”

  “What? Al, what on earth are you talking about?”

  I didn’t say nothing. I mean, Larry’s really clever, and we’d been together for months. He must’ve noticed what an ugly mug I got by now.

  Larry stepped closer. He still had that funny smile on his face, but he looked a bit sad too. “You know what I like about this sketch? I like all of it, but the eyes are particularly good. You’ve got wonderfully expressive eyes, and you’ve captured them beautifully here. There’s the tiny furrow between your brows you always get when you’re concentrating—just a suspicion of it, really. I don’t suppose everyone would notice it… And here, at the corner of your mouth—that bit that quirks up when you’re pleased about something. A sort of embryonic smile.”

  I shrugged. “Don’t like my smile.”

  Then I wished I hadn’t said it, ’cause Larry stopped smiling. “Let me guess—some idiot once told you it was sinister?”

  I didn’t say nothing, ’cause it was him what had said it. I think he remembered he’d said it. Sometimes Larry says stuff like it’s a question when it’s not really
. I don’t think he does it to be confusing on purpose. It’s just the way clever people talk.

  “Al, listen to me. You have a wonderful smile. No one who knows you could think anything but that.” Larry reached up and ran his fingers over my face. Even my scar, and my nose where it’s all squashed. “Don’t ever think I don’t like the way you look. I love the way you look.”

  My chest felt all funny, like it needed Larry against it, so I put my arms round him and hugged him tight.

  Larry was right about the students wanting to model for me. Larry’s always right. We had so many, I got to choose the ones I wanted, which was good, ’cause a lot of those students really aren’t that fit. I think they don’t get enough fresh air and exercise with all that studying and all. But Larry knew which ones were into rowing and stuff, so I knew which ones to choose. Larry always says he likes to look at fit bodies, so I thought if I did those, he’d like them even if no one else did.

  One of them was this Japanese guy, Ren. He was short like Larry, but he had lots of muscles. You could have made two of Larry out of Ren, easy. It’s not the kind of thing I go for, but I thought he’d be interesting to paint ’cause he was so different to Larry.

  His skin colour was really tricky to get right. It was really nice, ’cause he’d been out in the sun with his shirt off and got a tan, but it was a different shade from when I get a tan. More warmer. So I had to play around with the colours a bit, ’cause I didn’t want to make him look like he’d got jaundice. My nephew Jayden, that’s my sister Lauren’s second baby, he had jaundice when he was born. They had to shine a special lamp on him to make him get better, but it wasn’t to give him a sun tan or nothing, ’cause that’s bad for babies. I know ’cause I asked the nurse.

  I got Ren to pose standing up for me, so he could show off his muscles. When he flexed, he looked kind of mean, and I didn’t want to paint mean, so I got him to pose with his back to me. He was really good at keeping the pose and everything. I got him to come again ’cause it was working out so well.

  I think it was the third or fourth time Ren posed for me that it all went wrong. Larry said later he called out, “Al, I’m home! Are you upstairs?” But I didn’t hear him, ’cause it was two stories down, and I guess I was concentrating. I was finding Ren’s arse really tricky to get right, so I was crouching down behind him looking at it really close.

  I guess Larry came up to look for me, ’cause all of a sudden I saw his head as he got to the top of the steps. So I smiled at him, but he didn’t smile at me. He was looking at Ren, ’cause he was in front of him. I mean, Ren was between me and Larry, with his back to me and his front to Larry. Larry went a bit red, and Ren said, “Oh, hello, Dr. Morton.” His hands wobbled a bit, like he wanted to cover himself up, but he didn’t want to get out of the pose.

  “I’ll—I’ll come back later,” Larry said.

  I didn’t want to see him go when he’d only just got in. “Hang on, I’m nearly finished. I just got to finish his arse.” I was looking at it carefully, ’cause the light was kind of tricky on the curves of it and I wanted to get it right. So I didn’t see Larry go, but I heard him walking down the stairs. He was walking really slow, like he was tired or something.

  I wanted to go after him, but I didn’t think Ren would want to wait around. So I worked on Ren’s arse till I’d got the lines just right, then I put down my pencil. “Thanks, Ren.”

  “Anytime!”

  I gave him the money for modeling, and he gave me a kiss, which I wasn’t expecting. ’Specially as he hadn’t got his kit back on. “I, uh, I gotta talk to Larry,” I said.

  Ren said, “Okay, same time on Friday?” I nodded. He smiled and said, “Give me a call if you need me back here sooner. For anything.” His voice went all funny, like he had a sore throat, and then he gave me another kiss.

  I was going to ask him not to do that again, ’cause I’m with Larry, and anyway if he’d got a sore throat he shouldn’t go passing his germs around, but then I saw Larry had come back up the stairs. I gave him a big smile. “Hey, Larry,” I said. “I’m all done. Ren’s just leaving.”

  Larry had this pissed-off look on his face, so I thought maybe he’d been talking to Dr. Hardwicke again today. “Good. Dinner’s ready.” After he said it, he pressed his lips tight together and watched while Ren got his kit back on. Ren didn’t try and kiss me again.

  We went downstairs and ate. Larry made risotto, but it was a bit burnt. Usually he’s a better cook than that. I guess he just had a really bad day at work. “You should’ve let me cook,” I said.

  Larry gave me this tight little smile. “I didn’t want to interrupt you. From what I could see, Ren was keeping you quite busy.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “His arse was kind of interesting.”

  He didn’t say much after that.

  After we had our tea, we went and watched TV. There was some boxing on one of the satellite channels. Usually we cuddle up on the sofa, but that night Larry didn’t seem to want to. So we sat at opposite ends. I didn’t like it so much, but I know some guys like their space, so I didn’t say nothing. Even though Larry doesn’t usually like space. When the adverts came on, Larry sort of huffed and said, “I’m going to bed.”

  I got the remote, and I was going to switch the TV off, but he said, “No, no, you stay down here and watch the rest of the fight.”

  So I did, but I didn’t enjoy it like I usually do.

  When I got to bed, Larry looked like he was asleep, so I didn’t try to cuddle him or nothing. I knew he’d had a hard day. So I just got into bed, but I couldn’t get to sleep, and I didn’t want to wake him up by moving about when my legs got restless, so I went back downstairs and put the TV back on. That just made me more restless, so I went down to the basement and I punched the shit out of my punch bag, and after that I came back up and fell asleep on the sofa.

  When I woke up next morning, I was still on the sofa. Larry was already dressed. He was rushing around and muttering like he was late for work, and the kitchen smelled of burnt toast.

  I tried to grab him and give him a kiss, but he wouldn’t let me. “Sofa comfortable, was it?” he asked. His voice sounded a bit like it does when he talks about Dr. Hardwicke.

  “Not really,” I said. “I got a stiff neck.” I yawned and rubbed it a bit. Usually when I get a stiff neck, Larry gives it a rub, but I guess he didn’t have time.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” he said, and then he was out the door. I felt sad, ’cause it was like we hadn’t really spoken or touched or fucked or nothing since he’d been at work yesterday. But I know he’s got a really important job, and he has to work hard.

  I hoped he’d have a better day and be back to normal when he came home, but he was still really quiet when he got back for dinner. I cooked pasta, but he didn’t eat much. Then he said he had a meeting to go to, and I shouldn’t wait up.

  I waited up anyway, but it’d been a really busy day on the punts, so I fell asleep on the sofa. I don’t know when Larry came home, ’cause he didn’t wake me. I woke up at six a.m. and went to bed, but Larry was fast asleep, so I didn’t like to wake him.

  When he was still really quiet and wouldn’t let me touch him or nothing on Thursday, I knew something was really wrong. Something bad. I tried to think what it was, but I guess I’m not very good at thinking. I was going to ask Larry, but his mum rang. She always rings on Thursdays, ’cause that’s my night with Phil and Daz at the pub, but this Thursday I didn’t feel like going out or nothing.

  I don’t know what they spoke about, ’cause he went into the kitchen and shut the door, but I don’t think she cheered him up or nothing. He was even quieter when he came out. I wanted to say something to make it better, but I’m no good at that. I can never think of what to say. So I tried to cuddle him, but he wouldn’t let me.

  I couldn’t stand it, so I went out to the pub anyway. Phil was there with Leanne from Lidl, but they had a big fight and split up again. Daz said he found out she was cheating
on him. I don’t know how people can do that. Either you want to be with someone or you don’t.

  Then I thought, what if they don’t want to be with you?

  I probably drank a bit too much after that, ’cause I felt a bit pissed when I got home. I knew Larry’d be asleep, so I just slept on the sofa again. I think I made a bit of noise when I got home, ’cause I think Larry came out in his dressing gown. But maybe I only dreamt that, ’cause if he’d really come out, he’d have asked me to go to bed, wouldn’t he? And he didn’t, he just frowned, so I think it was just a dream.

  Friday morning Larry was gone before I woke up. I felt really bad. Not just hung over. I felt like I wanted to smash something, and it scared me, ’cause I never feel like that. Work helped a bit, ’cause I had stuff to do, but my boss kept telling me not to look so bloody scary ’cause it was bad for business.

  When I got back home, I remembered Ren was due. I didn’t feel much like painting or sketching or nothing, but then I thought, maybe if I painted something really good, Larry would like me again. So I worked really hard on it. I was just putting away my stuff when Ren came over to me. I’d thought he was getting his kit back on, but he hadn’t. He was still in the nude.

  “Can I see?” he asked.

  “Nah,” I said. “I don’t want no one to see it till it’s finished.”

  Ren smiled. “I could make it worth your while.”

  I was thinking about that, ’cause I thought he meant he’d pay me to see it, and that was really weird ’cause I was paying him to pose for me, and I thought the sums were going to get really difficult, and then he kissed me again.

  I hadn’t realised till then how much I’d missed being kissed. Larry and me used to kiss all the time, but just lately we hadn’t kissed hardly at all. It was nice, the kiss was, and I guess I started kissing him back.