I was the one who needed to gather my thoughts now. And when I was done, she and I were going to sit down and I was going to get some fucking answers.
I found myself back at the boat landing. I was lying on the end of the ancient small dock that jutted out into the lake, staring at the pale blue sky with the clouds drifting slowly past. The color reminded me of the sheets we wrinkled and scattered off the bed that night so long ago. I imagined them tucked around her full tits in the pic I still carried with me on my phone’s memory card. What a pathetic piece of shit I was. No matter what I did, I couldn’t fucking reconcile the angel of my memories with the woman she really was, and it was fucking killing me. I slammed both fists down to the dock beside me, feeling the ancient boards rattle and shake with the force of the connection.
I sat up, leaning my head on my crossed arms as they rested on my knees, and closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of the birds, the water lapping gently against the pilings of the dock and the shore, and my breath as it entered and exited my body. It felt like I had been transported back to my time in the hospital—feeling dead and disillusioned inside, but knowing I was alive by the sounds around me.
After my mind calmed, I felt a little guilty for the way I treated her. I was a real dick. Sometimes I just couldn’t control my anger, despite working so fucking hard at holding that part of my wicked inner demons at bay. It was as if the dam didn’t just burst, it fucking exploded.
I pictured the little girl… my little girl. Damn, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was a father. She had my dark hair and the same fucking dimples that chicks seemed to go apeshit over, not that I had ever used that to my advantage.
Yeah, whatever.
Her eyes were the same blue as mine, not pale and soft like her mother’s, but clear and vibrant, with the darker blue flecks I saw every time I looked in the mirror. More than those few things, I couldn’t recall because I began seeing red soon after she had climbed up to the table with me and things clicked into place.
One thing I knew for a certainty was I wanted to have a relationship with her. Tough shit if her mother had replaced me in her life. My child was going to know me. I would never have her growing up like I had, not knowing her father. I needed to talk to Stephanie now that I had calmed the fuck down and pulled my stupid hot head out of my ass… sort of.
I removed my phone from my back pocket and pulled up the message she sent me. I shot off a reply and stuck it back in my pocket after I received her brief response.
Me: We need to talk. Tonight. Meet me at the Oasis. Dress for a ride.
Stephanie: I’ll see what I can do.
I needed to get back to the clubhouse and talk to Hacker. We needed to fix that shit from this morning. We were brothers, and I couldn’t have shit like that hanging over us and coming between us. He needed to know that the “kid” Steph had was mine. My kid. My daughter. I also needed him to look into what she had been up to over the last three years. I wanted to know who the preppy fuck she was with was and everything about him. I wanted to know the first time he took a shit and who changed it. I wanted to know what he ate for breakfast. I wanted to know what his throat felt like as it was being squeezed by my bare hands because he had touched her. I wanted to know how and where she had been raising my child.
My daughter.
Fuck. I had a daughter.
I was a fucking father.
Jesus, help me.
Stephanie… My Stephanie. I finally had her name, and yet she wasn’t mine and never would be. She had moved on just like I knew and hoped she would. I was never meant for her. I was damaged and evil. My soul was black and rotting. I had snuffed out the lives of human beings without batting an eye. I was scarred and broken. No good for her. I could only hope that I could be a better father than I was a man.
SHOCK CONSUMED ME AS I stood out on the sidewalk staring down the road. I couldn’t believe what just happened. Of all the scenarios I imagined of me telling him about Remi, that was definitely not one of them. And what did he mean I replaced him? I had wanted to arrange a time to talk to him and explain. I wanted to introduce Remi to her daddy. I just thought… shit, I don’t know what I thought.
I turned and re-entered the bar in a daze. I walked back to the table where Remi sat with Mama eating a plate of chicken nuggets and fries. “Thank you for sitting with her.” Mama looked up at me with concern as I dropped into the seat across from them. As I stared at my shaking hands resting loosely together on the table, my mind felt like it was circling and I was fighting to keep the heavy tears pooling in my eyes from falling.
Mama reached a small, but strong, hand over and placed it on top of mine, squeezing them in a reassuring manner.
“I only heard a little of the situation back here but enough to know you and Reaper have some things to talk about and work out, hon. I think maybe what I wanted to talk to you about can wait. You have a lot on your plate right now.” She patted my hands and began to pull away, but I caught her hand and met her gaze as I choked back my tears.
“No, Mama, I’m good.” I sniffed and smiled a wobbly smile. “Really. Please, talk to me. Is everything okay? I’ll do what I can to help you if there is something you need.”
“Ummm, well.” She took a deep breath. “I was going to talk to you about taking over the Oasis. Pops and I have been talking about ‘retiring’ so we can travel more while we’re still able, and I can’t let just anyone take over the Oasis… It’s the only baby I’ve ever had besides those boys. You are part of this town, Steph, and you grew up with the Oasis. When you told me what you went to school for, well….” She trailed off.
Well, that was the last thing I expected. I thought maybe she needed help with reorganization or menus or something. I didn’t know what to say. The wheels in my head started spinning at about 200 mph as my mouth flopped, open and shut like a damn fish but I couldn’t help myself. Mama took in my expression and burst out in her raspy, raucous laugh.
“Girl, you look like the little bass I caught last week out at the lake! We can talk more later. You just think on it.” She started to leave the booth.
“Wait! Mama, I don’t know. I mean, what I meant to say was I don’t have that kind of money. I wouldn’t know where to begin! I… well… I’m so flattered, but I’m so… wow.” I was scrambling for words as unbidden ideas for the bar popped in my head one after the other.
“Well, we could probably work something out. You know the club takes care of their own, and the way I see it, after the bit I heard earlier, little Miss Remi here is a connection of the club, whether you like it or not. You give that boy time to cool off and then talk to him. He’s usually a quiet one, but he has a level head. He’ll come around.” At the sound of her name, Remi looked up with a mouthful of chicken nugget and shouted, “Wemi!” patting herself on the chest.
We both laughed as I hugged her close and kissed the top of her dark, silky curls.
Mama and I spent the next hour or more going over thoughts and plans for how I could take over the Oasis. The more we talked and the more I thought about it, the thought of coming home just felt right. A warmth begun at my very core and was spreading outward.
We had decided that, if I could come up with a down payment, we could draw up a contract where I could make monthly payments to her and I would have the option to refinance the bar when I was able. I could make changes to the bar menu and I could remodel as long as the changes met Mama’s approval until it was refinanced in my name. The longer we sat talking, the more excited I was to go home and discuss the opportunity with my parents.
I began ticking off everything in my life that needed to be addressed. My apartment was on a month-to-month lease because I had been there past my one-year-lease term and I hadn’t gotten around to signing a new lease to lock in my rent. I could turn in my notice at work and pack while I worked out my days at the restaurant. I didn’t really have a lot to pack, and I was pretty sure everything would fit in my SUV and a small trailer if I c
ould get a one-way rental.
Colton was furious with me, and though it ripped out my heart, I really didn’t expect him to ever forgive me. I just prayed he would come around and want to be a daddy to Remi. He and I set aside, Remi deserved to have her mommy and her daddy in her life. I knew if we were able to sit down and talk, we could work out a visitation schedule. He wouldn’t really need to interact with me unless it had to do with Remi’s care or future. My chest ached as if there was a gaping hole where my heart had been at the thought of being so close to him and yet not being able to touch him and be with him. Fate was a cruel bitch.
My phone pinged with a message as Remi and I pulled up in front of my parents’ house. When I saw the message was from Colton, my heart gave a lurch. I opened the message with shaking hands.
Colton: We need to talk. Tonight. Meet me at the Oasis. Dress for a ride.
Oh shit. I closed my eyes, trying to gain control of my raging emotions, before I quickly stamped out a reply.
Me: I’ll see what I can do.
Gathering Remi from the car, I carefully set her on her feet and held her until I knew she had her balance. Hand in hand, we walked across the brick-paved sidewalk to the steps that she took one at a time. As I opened the door, she pulled her hand from mine and ran into the house shouting, “Gama! Gampa!” I couldn’t help my sad smile as I heard her squeal as my dad must have tickled or teased her. I hung my keys on the hooks by the door, took my shoes off, lining them up neatly on the mat inside the door… anything to delay the conversation I needed to have with my parents.
Taking a deep fortifying breath, I walked down the short hall to the kitchen where I could hear the murmur of Remi’s chatter and my parents’ responses to her. I stopped in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe, absorbing the domestic warmth that always emanated from my mother’s kitchen. My parents both looked up at me from the table where they sat having coffee. Remi sat in my dad’s lap, and he was letting her scoop sugar in his cup as he directed her on how much and prepared to catch her hand if she spilled. After my dad took the spoon from her, setting it on a folded napkin, Remi leaned back into my dad and rubbed her eyes as her Cupid’s bow mouth stretched in a little yawn.
“I’m going to lay this one down for a short nap. If you both have a minute, there are some things I need to talk to you both about.”
“Of course, honey. We’ll be right here when you’re done.” My mom gave Remi a wave and blew her a kiss as I carried her out to the living room where we had set up a pack-and-play for her naps. I lay her down, tucking her snuggle blankie and her favorite stuffed elephant up under her chin. Dang, she was barely fitting in the thing anymore! My baby girl was getting so big. She rubbed her face in the blankie and her eyes drifted closed. Our day out wore her clean out.
I returned to the kitchen and sat at the table. Feeling the need to do something with my hands, I started twisting a napkin. I had a hard time meeting either of my parents’ eyes as I began to recite the same conversation I had with my brother earlier today, telling them about Michael and Colton, but also adding the conversation I had with Mama earlier. By the time I had finished, I had bits of napkin in a pile in front of me on the table and tears running down my cheeks and neck, soaking the collar of my tee shirt. My parents had yet to say a word. I hesitantly looked up at them and my dad reached out for me, pulling me from my chair, rocking me in his lap and hugging me tight in his arms like I remembered him doing when I was young. My mom reached over, rubbing her hand on my back in a soothing manner.
My dad spoke first.
“Stephanie, I wish you had told us all this when you were pregnant and everyone was beating you up about being selfish. We could have tried to help you better if we had known the truth. I know your brothers and I were hard on you back then, and I’m sorry for that. So sorry. We love you. We want what’s best for you, and while we would have preferred things to work out in a different order for you, we wouldn’t trade that little girl out there for the world. She was the best gift you could have given any of us.” He looked at my mother, seeming to have a conversation without words.
I told them that Colton wanted to talk to me tonight and asked if they would mind watching Remi again. They assured me it was no trouble and agreed it was best to talk to him and get things sorted out ASAP.
“Why don’t you go wash your face with cool water and lie down for a bit? I want to talk to your mother about a few things, and we can talk again tonight, okay?”
I nodded, then after accepting a kiss from my mom, I trudged upstairs, skipping the bathroom and collapsing on my bed. God, how had my life become such a train wreck?
I SAT ON MY bike in front of the Oasis waiting for Stephanie to arrive. She had sent me a message saying she could be here by 2000. It was 1955. Then I saw an older SUV turn into the square and park two spots up from where I sat. Slowly, she got out, tucked her key into her tight pocket and walked over to me. She was tugging at the hem of her shirt nervously, with her bottom lip held by her teeth. Those beautiful eyes looked up at me, and I handed her the helmet I had been holding on my leg for her. She took it from me, cinching it down tight.
“Get on.”
She didn’t question me and threw her leg over the back of my bike, settling her chest against my back and wrapping her slender arms around my torso, locking her hands over my abs. The feel of those plump tits pressed into my back made my cock jump. It was difficult to ignore how good they felt pushed up against me. Fucking hell. That’s not what tonight was about.
Down, boy… she has someone else. Too bad he didn’t want to listen. Traitorous bastard.
I started my bike, flicked it in gear with the toe of my boot, eased off the clutch and onto the throttle, and we took off down the road. I knew exactly where I was taking her. I needed us to be alone without interruptions.
When I pulled up to the boat landing and hit the kill switch, she hopped off my bike like it was on fire and headed over to the picnic table under the tree, taking off the helmet as she walked. I followed her, trying to keep myself from staring at the full globes of her ass in her tight jeans—that didn’t fucking work, by the way—and sat on the top of the table, resting my feet on the bench seat. Resting my elbows on my knees, I ran my hands through the hair on the top of my head. I had to keep my distance from her and keep my fucking hands from reaching out to pull her curvy body close to mine.
Shit.
“I don’t—”
“I’m sorry, Steph—” We both started to speak at the same time.
“Umm, you go ahead,” she said quietly.
I took a deep breath, blowing it out hard, and looked at the section of seat between my booted feet.
“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I was a dick today, and I fucking know it. You didn’t deserve that nor did you deserve my shitty thoughts. I’ve had time to cool my shit and think today. I was a fucking douche for accusing you of keeping our daughter from me. I realize now that you had no way of contacting me. What you don’t know was the morning after, as you were sleeping, I wrote my name and number down for you, but I felt stupid and threw it in your trash. Earlier, I wasn’t remembering pitching it in the trash, just that I wrote it and my fucked-up head latched onto that part and pronounced you guilty. I can’t even imagine you going through all of that alone, and I feel like a complete piece of shit for doing that to you.” I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. “I need you to know I had never before, and haven’t since, been with anyone without a fucking condom. Ever. I don’t even know why I didn’t with you. I have no excuses, Stephanie. That was a real dick move on my part. I’d like to say I’m sorry, but after seeing… her… I just can’t be.”
She didn’t look like she was overly happy when I said there had been other chicks after her, but fuck, it wasn’t like we had been together back then. Besides, there was no way she hadn’t been with anyone else in the last few years. She had a passionate nature, one I remembered very well. Hell, she was with someone now. God, why did the thought o
f her fucking someone else piss me off so bad? I actually felt knots building in my stomach at the thought. Jesus, I needed to stop thinking about it. And I certainly wasn’t a fucking monk. Never claimed to be.
“Colton—” she began, but I cut her off.
“It’s Reaper. Just Reaper. I don’t even feel like Colton exists anymore.” In all honesty, I tried to keep him buried. Colton was fucking weak and stupid. Colton held on to a ridiculous notion of love for a woman in a goddamn cell phone pic.
“Okay… ummm, Reaper…” She seemed unsure as she said my road name. “You’re right, I had no way to get in touch with you. I only knew your first name because your friend called out to you as we left. I knew very little about you, which didn’t give me much to go on to track you down. Trust me, I would never have chosen for things to play out like they did. I didn’t try to get pregnant, I didn’t try to keep your daughter from you or you from her, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my world. If you want the honest-to-God truth, Colton—I mean, um, Reaper—I thought about you every damn day.” Her voice cracked on her last word, and I looked over at her just in time to see her discretely touch a finger under her eye to catch the lone escaped tear.
“Stephanie, it’s okay. I get it now. And I don’t fucking blame you for finding someone else. I just hope he is good to you and our daughter.” It killed me to say that. Fuck, did it rip me apart.
She looked confused as she reached out her hand to rest on my forearm. A jolt shot up my arm at her touch.
“I’m not with anyone, Reaper. I came here this weekend to get the hell away from the guy I was seeing, but I don’t know if you would say we were even really ‘dating.’ He ended up not being who I thought he was.” She looked me in the eyes with a distressed expression.
“Stephanie, I saw you dancing with him at the birthday bash. I figured that was why you took off after we hooked up; you felt like you betrayed him by being with me. It’s okay though. It was nothing. I know things got out of control, we were both half drunk and not using sound judgement. I won’t say anything to him or anyone else. I swear.” Jesus, it gutted me to make it sound as if Friday night didn’t mean the fucking world to me, as if I didn’t feel whole when her body was next to mine. I wanted to punch my-damn-self for lying like that.
Colton's Salvation: A Demented Sons MC Novel Page 13
