I must have dozed off somewhere around dawn because I vaguely remembered hearing my dad get up to start his day. All I knew for sure was that my dreams were haunted as I fitfully slept with the recent memory of Colton’s touch, kiss, and the feel of his body against mine.
FIRST THING IN THE morning, I knocked on Hacker’s door. I waited as long as I could, barely sleeping all night. I needed to ask him how to find her. Yeah, I could call her, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t answer her fucking phone; besides, this was something I needed to talk to her about face to face. The last thing I wanted to do was cause trouble with her guy by calling her or showing up on her doorstep, but I needed to see her. Anyway, how good could things be between them if she could be with me like that last night?
I pounded on the door again when he didn’t answer. I stood listening for his steps or for any sign of life behind his door.
“For fuck’s sake! I’m coming. Shit! There better be a motherfucking fire.” I heard him mumble the last part, along with thumping and rustling behind the door, before the door flew open and Hacker glared at me with bloodshot eyes, dressed only in his boxers.
“What the fuck, man? It’s like 7:00 a.m., bro!”
“Hacker, I need to talk to you. It’s important.”
He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. “At seven in the morning? Shit. You’re killing me.”
“It’s about Stephanie. I need to talk to her. I need to know where I can find her.” I appealed to him, pleading with my eyes. Jesus, I felt like a fucking lunatic. No, I felt like I was beginning to unravel and it was bullshit.
The words had no sooner left my mouth and he rushed me, grabbing me by the front of my cut and slamming my ass against the wall across from his doorway. His face in a vicious snarl, he slammed me against the wall again before I could even think to defend myself.
“It was you! You motherfucker, I should gut you now. What the fuck did you do to her? I knew something had happened!” He looked like he would strangle me any second, and I grabbed his wrists, shoving him away from me, which was no easy feat since the fucker was my size and still as fit as he was during football and in the Marine Corps.
“Get your fucking hands off me! I didn’t fucking do anything to her she didn’t want.” His fist connected with my jaw before I even saw it coming. Jesus H. Christ! I punched him in the gut on reflex, and as he doubled over, I pushed my hair back out of my face and stepped back.
“Goddamn, man, I don’t want to fight with you. I just need to talk to her,” I said in defeat.
He remained bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing deep, head bowed. He lifted his head to look at me.
“Just leave her alone, Reaper. She’s like my little sister. She has a kid, man. They don’t need your kind of shit baggage. Just… just stay away from her.”
A kid? What? What the fuck was this stupid motherfucker talking about? My head shook back and forth in denial. She didn’t have a kid. He was fucking crazy. Unless that was what she wanted to talk to me about? Shit, she was married and had a kid. She wanted to gather her thoughts to tell me she was attracted to me sexually, but what we did was a horrible mistake because she was married with a baby. Fuck me. I leaned against the wall, sliding down until I sat with my arms propped on my knees and my hands dangling loose.
All these years of holding her in my mind, staring at that damn picture, praying I might find her again… They say be careful what you wish for. Now I wished I had never seen her again. At least then, I could have continued to feel like there was still hope. I felt like the blackness in my soul, which I fought so hard to keep at bay, was creeping in to swallow me.
When I rolled out of bed, my bleary eyes could barely focus. Stumbling to the bathroom, I climbed in before the water was even hot. After a cursory wash, I got out of the shower and went back to my room to change. My phone lit up as I entered the room. Damn, since going to bed last night, I had missed five calls and had seven text messages. Shit. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. But as I opened the messages, I saw they were from Michael. Crap. That was worse.
Michael: Where are you?
Michael: Call me
Michael: Call me. Please
Michael: Steph I’m worried about you. Call me
Michael: Call me. Now
Michael: I have been trying to see you all weekend. You weren’t home last night or this morning. I tried to give you some time but this is getting ridiculous.
Michael: Steph. Answer your god damn phone!
The last message was seven minutes ago. I checked and saw that all the missed calls were from him as well. Yeah, asshole, and I bet you had a big surprise when you tried to get into my apartment and the lock was changed, huh? God, I loved my management company. I tossed my phone on the bed, having no intention of answering him.
I dressed quickly and threw my hair up in a messy bun to head downstairs, following the smell of bacon cooking to the kitchen. Warm sunlight flowed in through the lace curtains at the kitchen windows. My mom was at the stove cooking, and Remi sat quietly at the table coloring with a fat purple crayon while she patiently waited for her breakfast. She looked up as she realized I stood in the doorway. Her face lit up and she scrambled down from the chair, running to me and wrapping her little arms around my legs and squeezing.
“Mommy! Wemi miss you so, so much!” she exclaimed. I scooped her up, sharing a good morning kiss with her and repeatedly kissing her dimples, which were a straight punch to the gut for me after last night. I squeezed her in a great big hug. “Mommy! You squish Wemi!” She giggled. I laughed with her as I placed her back in her chair at the table where she happily resumed coloring after I sat next to her. I smiled and shook my head a how cute she was even when she struggled with her R’s. I glanced over to my mom and asked if she needed any help with anything. She said no thank you, smiled, and went back to flipping bacon and stirring eggs.
“I need to head to town this afternoon. I’m going to take Remi and get some I-C-E C-R-E-A-M after I run a couple of errands.” I spelled out the ice cream part or I would never get her to eat her breakfast.
My mom laughed and asked if I wanted company. She seemed a little disappointed when I told her I needed to take care of some things alone. I assured her I would be back afterward and I would be here at least through tomorrow.
“At least until tomorrow?” my mom asked with confusion. “Don’t you have to work on Monday?”
“Yes, but I may need to call in.” I didn’t want to get into why I was reluctant to head home. She started to question me more, but I held up my hand. “Please, Mom, it’s a long story that I don’t want to get into right now.” She pressed her lips together in annoyance, but didn’t say anymore. I didn’t let myself be fooled into thinking that meant she had dropped the subject. After all, I had known this woman my whole life.
We took Remi out to gather eggs and she laughed and giggled and tried to catch the chickens, but they ran circles around her. As we were leaving the chicken coop, I saw Sam pull up in the driveway and get out of his truck. He had a troubled expression on his face as he leaned against his truck with his arms crossed. Of my two brothers, Sam and I looked the most alike. We had both inherited our mother’s blonde hair, though his had darkened with age and was now more honey colored than blond, and her clear blue eyes. The irritation and concern I saw in his eyes had me on edge, and I wondered about the reason for his visit this morning. Once we walked closer to the house, he stood up, dropping his arms. He hugged our mom and kissed Remi, promising her he would be in to see her soon. Then he turned to me, intercepting me by catching me by my arm and quietly stating, “We need to talk.”
“Okayyyyy… what about? Is everything okay with you?” I wasn’t sure where this was leading, but I didn’t think I was going to like it. I followed him as he began to walk down the driveway and cut across the front yard to sit on the bench under the big oak tree. I sat down next to him, and he turned to me.
�
�You wanna tell me what happened with you and Reaper last night?” he said without preamble.
His use of Colton’s road name threw me for a second. Oooh, oh okay, that’s where this was going. Shit. Not a conversation I wanted to have with my older, very protective brother. And how the hell did he know Colton? I stood up, crossing my arms, turning away from him so I didn’t have to look into his eyes, so like mine.
“Nothing happened, Sam. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried for calm nonchalance, but I knew I failed miserably when he continued.
“Really. Then why the hell was he asking Erik how to find you this morning? How would he know who you are, Steph, if nothing happened? Even though he’s quiet as hell and a little pensive, he has always seemed like a pretty decent guy any time I’ve seen him in town. And I really liked him when Erik officially introduced us last night, but looks can be deceiving and I need to know if I read him wrong. Was he the one who put those bruises on your arms you tried to cover with makeup last night? Tell me what’s going on. Do you know him, Steph, or not?” His tone was getting sharper and I could sense his frustration.
“No! God no! He didn’t do that to me! I swear!” I started to sob and I covered my face with my hands. I turned abruptly toward him and, shoulders sagging, told him about Michael and how he had started out such a sweet, great guy but had steadily been progressing to a possessive psycho. Tears continued to run down my face as I stared down at my shoes.
Sam gathered me in a big hug. “I’m going to fucking kill him, Steph,” he ground out in a low voice. “And Reaper? Where does he fit in this? And don’t give me that crap about nothing happened. I don’t fucking buy it. A man doesn’t want to find a woman, with the desperation Erik described, if there is nothing between them.”
I raised tear-filled eyes to his and whispered in a tortured voice, “He’s Remi’s father, but he doesn’t know it…”
“Holy Shit! Are you fucking kidding me? That little girl is over two years old! And you never told him? How could you do that to her? And how in the hell could you keep a father from his own daughter, Steph?” He looked at me with an incredulous expression, like he didn’t know who I was anymore. I pulled away, turning from him.
“It wasn’t like that,” I answered. Then I proceeded to tell him the whole sordid story, minus the details of our night together. There were some things a brother did not need to hear.
“Fuck, Steph. He’s lived here for a while. How have you never seen him?” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Jesus, you have to tell him. If you don’t, I will. It’s not fair to either of them.”
“You think I don’t know that? You think I didn’t pray every day that things had been different and I could have told him? And if you remember correctly, I haven’t been home much in the last couple of years,” I cried out. “I just don’t know what to say to him now!”
“Just tell him! He’ll understand.” He stood up and walked toward me, giving me another hug. “I love you, little sis, but you have to do this sooner than later.”
I LEFT THE CLUBHOUSE alone and went for a ride. I needed some wind therapy. The sorry thing was, even the wind whipping past me as I flew down the highway did little to still or calm my crazy fucking mind. My thoughts were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt betrayed for some stupid goddamn reason. I felt hopeless… and for the first time in a long while, I felt like giving up.
As I approached a sharp curve in the road, it crossed my mind to just keep going straight. At the last minute, I slowed, leaning into the curve and accelerating on the throttle as I continued through the curve. I took the next turn and followed the road as it curved again, past the lake, pulling into a boat loading and unloading area.
I hit the kill switch and put my kickstand down as I sat on my bike, leaning over my handlebars and staring out at the sun reflecting and glittering on the water. I took a deep breath. I didn’t know what to fucking do with myself…
I leaned against a crumbling wall, gunfire and explosions coming from all around us. Mason sat next to me and took a quick glance through a hole in the wall. There was no sign of our extraction team yet. We had taken out our target and had made it to the rendezvous spot. We looked at each other and leaned our heads back against the shitty wall again.
I pulled my phone out. I didn’t have service, of course, but I brought it with me and kept it charged just so I could look at the picture of her smile. I told myself, when I got home, I would find her no matter what it took.
I would tell her that it may sound crazy, but she had kept me sane while I was gone and I was pretty sure I loved her. In my mind, she would hug me, telling me she loved me too and she had been waiting for me. I kissed the screen, turning the phone off and tucking it back into my IBA. I looked at Mason and he shook his head and smiled as we heard the sound of the Blackhawk getting closer. Mason and I raced up to the top of the hill, and I sent up a thank you to my angel for getting me through again.
I shook my head, clearing out the memory that had taken over and felt so incredibly real. I needed to just fucking move on. I needed to accept that she wasn’t my damn guardian angel anymore and the dream that had kept me sane had come to an end.
I had a job coming up that required me to have my fucking head screwed on straight if I didn’t want to let my brothers down. It was time to get all my fucking shit in one sack and deal. Hell, I didn’t know how much more crap I could handle on my plate, but I had dealt with worse before and came out just fucking fine.
Fucking A.
I leaned back, starting up my bike again and heading back toward town. I needed a fucking beer.
Shit.
The closer I got toward town, the clearer my head was beginning to feel. Fuck her, I didn’t need her shit in my life if she was going to fuck around on her guy with me anyway. She obviously wasn’t the girl my imagination built her ass up to be. Reality never lived up to fantasy.
Before I knew it, I was pulling up to the Oasis. Backing my bike up to the curb, I hit the kill switch, and flipped down the kickstand. After getting off my bike, I slid my shades off and stepped into the dim interior. I walked up to the bar and Mama handed me my Corona then asked me who fucking kicked my puppy. A self-depreciating laugh escaped me.
“Let’s just say I’ve come to some realizations and life isn’t always what you think it’s gonna be.” I took my beer to a booth in the back where I could sit in the shadows and not have anyone bother me.
I had been nursing my beer for a while when I heard the door open and someone come in and a child squealed in laughter. It was a melodious sound and it made me smile as I took another drink of my beer, realizing it had begun to grow warm. I drew lines in the condensation as I absently listened to the murmur of voices from up front. Suddenly, there were quick little footsteps running toward me, and a little kid scrambled up into the other side of my booth. As she placed her hands flat on the table, she peered at me, giving me a big dimpled grin and said “Hi!” just as I heard a familiar woman’s voice coming closer.
“Remi, you cannot just run off! And you can’t just hop up and bother people… I’m so sorry, sirrrrr….” Her voice trailed off, and I looked up to see Stephanie going white as a sheet for the second time in two days as she stood stock-still by the table. My heart raced just seeing her. It made me wish the traitorous chunk of muscle in my chest was still dead inside.
I didn’t know what finally clued me in, but I looked from her to the little girl who was obviously around two years old or so. I took in the dimples, the ice-blue eyes, the dark head of hair—though with curls just like her mother—and I tried to do the math.
No. No fucking way. I flashed my eyes to Steph who was trying to pick up the little girl she called Remi, but the little one was having none of it. I reached out, placing my hand on her arm.
“Leave her. Sit.” My tone left no room for argument. My nostrils flared. My breathing sped up. She slid into the booth next to the little girl, twisting her hand
s on the tabletop and staring at them so she didn’t have to meet my eyes.
“Is she…?” I couldn’t say it. The words got stuck in my throat, and I couldn’t swallow.
“Yes,” I barely heard her whisper.
I was in shock. This bitch had my baby? And kept her from me to have some other asshole raise her? I clenched my jaw as I struggled to maintain my cool so as not to frighten the little sweetheart sitting at the table organizing the ketchup, salt, and pepper containers.
On that night so many years ago, I had told her I had no family I knew of and I wished it were different. I didn’t discuss a lot about myself, but I remembered that being mentioned. How could she think it was okay to keep her from me, knowing I had no one? I wanted to throttle her, and I didn’t hurt women. Never did I hurt women. I felt like I had just been dealt the deepest betrayal anyone could have given me. I had made her into an untouchable guardian angel these past few years, and I now realized how incredibly foolish that unrealistic ideal had been.
As I stood, I looked her dead in the eye. I felt indescribable anger toward her, and I was having a hard time reining in my rage. I wanted to scoop the little girl—my little girl—up and run off with her, but I knew I was in no state of mind to be around her.
“So you had my baby, didn’t even try to find me, and then just replaced me in her life?” It came out an angry whisper. I could only shake my head in disbelief. Ignoring the look of shocked incredulity on her face, I walked around her and stormed out the door. She had no right to look shocked. No right at all. I also ignored her franticly calling my name when she burst out the door of the bar as I revved my engine to drown out her voice and rode off like a bat out of hell down the street and out of town.
Colton's Salvation: A Demented Sons MC Novel Page 12
