Beetle Juice

by Piers Anthony

  “He would charge after her, lest she escape,” Wetzel said. “And run into the tree at full speed. He could knock himself out.”

  “Illusion can as readily mask a pit. Even after people catch on, they dare not proceed rapidly, lest they run afoul of concealed natural barriers.”

  “I agree. This is impressive magic.”

  “I can also do telekinesis, that is, move things without touching them physically, by magic. And fire bombing. But these require much personal energy and quickly exhaust me. Perhaps my most useful incidental talent is scrying. That is, fathoming the nature of a person or situation so that we do not approach either entirely blindly.”

  “Did you see me coming, before I first joined your party?”

  “No, I need to be close to the subject to scry it. But I can scry you now, if you are amenable.”

  “Go ahead. It will better acquaint you with me.”

  Wizard touched Wetzel’s hand. “Ah yes, the virginity issue.” He paused. “Now that’s a surprise.”

  “Something in my background?”

  “Something in your foreground. Normally my scrying reveals the salient qualities of a person’s past, but in your case it seems to be the future.” He paused again, concentrating. “No, merely your present, but it points the way to your future. There is a virgin.”

  “There are many virgins,” Wetzel said. “That’s not my problem.”

  “Your virgin. The one you can love, marry, and beget a family with.”

  “She exists?” Wetzel asked, wary of some cruel misunderstanding.

  “She exists in the Betelgeuse region. She is young, pretty, and nice, but may be unrecognizable. You may encounter her and not know her for what she is. You must be alert to fathom her nature and make her your own.”

  “I should be able to identify her by reading her mind.”

  “Not so. My scry indicates that you will not find her that way.”

  “She’s immune to telepathy?”

  “No. Merely not identifiable thereby.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Neither do I. There’s always the chance that the scry is false.”

  “In which case there’s no virgin.”

  Wizard nodded. “It happens, but seldom. It seems more likely that we merely do not properly understand the scry.”

  “How do we properly understand seeming nonsense?”

  “I am minded of Tod’s described computer-assisted game of cards. That seems like nonsense to me. Read my mind.”

  Wetzel tried. The concept was of some kind of sophisticated machine that enabled a person to play cards and warned him when he made a bad move. Wetzel could not comprehend the machine or the game, but did get the message: the warning could prevent a person from making a bad move, without informing him of the correct move. Sometimes it seemed as if there were no good moves, yet somehow they existed and could be found with appropriate diligence.

  “So there may be an unrecognizable virgin I can marry and have children with,” Wetzel said. “Without suffering loss of love in the process.”

  “That is the indication.”

  “So it would be a bad move to give up my quest for her. She may seem like a contradiction in terms, a virgin birthing babies, but I can find her and win her if I truly believe in her.”

  “So it seems.”

  “It sounds like self delusion. An ordinary woman that I choose to believe is virginal even after I impregnate her. I am not into delusion.”

  Wizard smiled. “You were not into illusion, either, before I demonstrated it. It may be that your framework of beliefs constitutes a kind of illusion, so that you are unable to see the reality beyond them.”

  “I have not walked into any invisible trees lately.”

  “Illusions don’t have to be apparent to have force. Have you considered that your quest for a virgin may be a wrong direction?”

  “I left the most worthy of women behind, in my quest for a fantasy woman. That seems likely to be a wrong direction. Yet it was a course she urged on me.”

  Wizard nodded. “Therefore, rightly or wrongly, you must follow this course until it is resolved. My experience with the Amoeba suggests that it does not make empty promises. There may be a virgin, if we have the wit to find her.”

  “We?”

  “You have joined our team. You will assist us to the best of your ability. We will assist you to the best of ours. Maybe you can’t locate your virgin alone, but we can. We will try.”

  “Even if you don’t believe she exists?”

  “I believe she exists, perhaps in some alternate universe. The Amoeba reaches into alternate universes.” Wizard paused again, thinking. “Our prior member, Bem, had a problem when its society was threatened. It turned out that what it learned here on the trail enabled it to reform its thinking and navigate the crisis. It may be that you need similarly to modify your thinking, in order to be able to appreciate your virgin.”

  Wetzel knew that Wizard was not trying to deceive him or cause him to believe in nonsense. There had to be something. “I will try,” he agreed.

  Chapter 4:

  Defense

  “It is time to get moving,” Tod declared.

  Nobody argued, though Wetzel realized that Tod did not know where to go. He simply had confidence that the Amoeba would guide them to their destination. It seemed it had before. They packed their meager belongings.

  “I can carry them, in my unicorn form,” Wetzel said. “Or a person.” He had come to terms with the idea of being a beast of burden. If that was the true reason the team needed him, it was worth it.

  “Wizard,” Tod said.

  “I don’t know how to ride a steed,” Wizard protested.

  “Chances are we’ll make better time if you are not afoot,” Tod told him. “You also need to save your energy in case we walk into trouble on the trail.”

  “Point taken,” Wizard said. “But the day is late, and we have information about each other to assimilate. We should start in the morning.”

  “Yes.”

  They had a meal of local fruits and some kind of orange meat that Wetzel did not inquire about. In his human form he could eat things he could not as a unicorn. Then Vanja unpacked a blanket and brought it to Wetzel. “You know the drill, lover.”

  They lay in a glade and she had at him three times before concluding that enough was enough and dropping off to sleep. Then he slept also. But in his mind the woman he embraced was Weava. How could he have left her? Yet if there really was a special virgin…

  In the morning they ate, repacked, and set off. Wetzel assumed unicorn form and carried Wizard on a makeshift straw saddle. Tod led the way, followed by Veee, and then Wetzel and Wizard, with Vanja in bat form perched on Wetzel’s head. That was all right as long as she didn’t poop on his mane. They moved briskly along a trail leading from the village. Tod was right: the frail old man would not have kept the pace.

  “Here is the thing,” Wizard said. “I do not like seeming like an invalid, and could walk at this rate assisted by magic. But it is best that I save my energy for some possible emergency. We are going to a new region and there may be dangers along the way. The Amoeba does not ensure our safety, merely that we are competent to accomplish the mission; we have to see to our own survival.”

  The bat abruptly took off, flew into the brush, and landed on a creature Wetzel hadn’t seen. It was a rabbit. It jumped, alarmed, but the bat’s eyeteeth were already puncturing its neck. The vampire was feeding.

  In a moment she let go and flew up. The rabbit bounded away, not visibly hurt. There had been time for only a sip of its blood. As Vanja had said, she did not need much, but did need it or the equivalent regularly.

  The bat circled, evidently checking the local scene, then returned to perch again on Wetzel’s head. I need even less in bat form, she thought. If I wanted to hurt someone, I’d do it in human form and take more than a token.

  He was glad to have seen it. It filled out his awa
reness of her as a vampire.

  Veee sniffed. “Wolfkey,” she said.

  The bat immediately took off and circled, exploring the vicinity. Wetzel read the concept in Veee’s mind, which she organized for his information. A wolfkey was what seemed to be a crossbreed creature, part wolf, part monkey, all predator. They liked to go after travelers on the trails, as travelers tended to be more isolated and have fewer defensive resources, thus being easier prey. The wolfkeys had been largely cleaned out of the area where Wetzel had joined the team, but now they were beyond that region. This was bad news.

  The bat returned, transforming to human. “A pack of six or eight of them,” she reported. “They have winded us and are coming up from behind. They’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”

  Tod halted and turned to face them. “Any convenient place for defense?”

  “I saw none close enough.”

  “Then I’ll have to use my gun.” Tod formed a picture in his mind for Wetzel to read, showing a small object he could hold in his hand that propelled bits of metal rapidly forward with lethal effect.

  Veee came to help Wizard dismount. “What’s your take on this, Wetzel?” she asked.

  Wetzel changed to manform. “You do not need the gun weapon. I can deal with the type of creature your minds describe.”

  “Your horn?” She was averting her gaze, not comfortable with his nakedness. It gave her ideas she preferred to avoid.

  “It is a weapon. I have dealt with rogue dogs in the past. The action is not pretty, but I can handle several.”

  “Six or eight?”

  “Two at a time. If more attack me simultaneously it would get ugly, but with my larger mass I could take out enough so that the rest of you could handle what is left.”

  Veee drew her knife. “We will do that.”

  “I can help,” Wizard said. “I will watch from a safe distance, spotting all the wolfkeys in my mind. Read my mind and you will see a map, so that you know exactly where each is without looking directly. None will surprise you.”

  “That will do,” Wetzel agreed. He transformed back to unicorn form.

  Vanja became the bat and flew up. They are coming.

  Wetzel braced himself for a fast charge, and waited.

  Now. And the animals appeared, running swiftly along the trail. They are grouped two by two, seven in all, Wizard thought, showing the formation in his mind.

  Wetzel charged, horn lowered. He speared the left creature, whipped up his head, and flung its carcass over his back. Even as he did that, he raised his right hoof and clubbed the other on the shoulder. It dropped to the ground, seriously injured.

  The next two wolfkeys hurriedly braked. Then they backed off. They were not afraid—Wetzel read that in their limited minds—but neither were they foolhardy. They were up against more than they had anticipated.

  Wetzel lowered his blood-soaked horn and strode toward them. They quickly turned tail and ran, followed by the others.

  Vanja landed and transformed. “Now that’s what I call a good show,” she said approvingly. “I’ll put this one out of its misery.” She dropped down beside the injured one and put her face to its neck. In a moment it expired; Wetzel felt the release as her toxin stopped its heart. That was one vampire he did not want as an enemy!

  Veee produced a towel and wiped off Wetzel’s horn. “You can rinse it when we next find water,” she said.

  But there was no need. Wetzel simply plunged his horn into the sand, and it emerged reasonably clean.

  Tod and Veee butchered the two bodies and packed away the meat for future use. Then Wizard mounted the unicorn again and they resumed travel.

  “I could have levitated the wolfkeys so that they floated and had no traction, becoming easy targets,” Wizard said. “But I would have had to be dangerously close to them to do it, and it would have seriously depleted my personal energy. Your way was better, and more impressive.”

  Wetzel was glad he didn’t need to answer. He was satisfied to have proven himself in this manner.

  The trail ascended a steepening slope. Tod hardly slowed, and Veee kept the pace. “Veee is a sturdy woman,” Wizard said. “She carried me cross-country during our prior mission.”

  At the crest of the hill there was a fork. Tod hesitated, then bore to the right. This was a lesser trail heading down into a jungle.

  Wetzel, wondering why Tod had not taken the main trail, extended his telepathic awareness. And caught something. DANGER. He halted.

  “Something you sense?” Wizard asked, sliding off to land on the ground. Vanja dropped similarly, transforming to her woman form.

  Now Wetzel transformed. “I can’t read minds at a distance, but I can get a hint,” he said. “There is something dangerous down that side trail. We should not go there.”

  “I’ll tell Tod,” Vanja said. She became the bat and flew off after Tod and Veee, who were already out of sight.

  “Too far for me to scry,” Wizard said. “But your alarm is surely well taken.”

  The bat returned, becoming Vanja. “I intercepted them, told them to stop, but they ignored me,” she said. “Something has hold of them.”

  “A mind predator,” Wetzel said. “Broadcasting a summoning signal. I’ll stop them.”

  “But it didn’t affect me,” Vanja said.

  “It is affecting me,” Wizard said. “Now that I’m standing alone. Maybe it orients on full humans, so you and Wetzel are immune. Go and stop them. Block them physically if you have to. Carry them back here where the signal is weaker. Then we can retreat the way we came, getting out of range. I dare not go with you. It is all I can do to stand still instead of yielding to the urge. But I will try to devise a defense we can use to abate this menace.”

  “This way, lover,” Vanja said, returning to bat form and flying away. Wetzel transformed to unicorn form and galloped after her.

  The distance was not far. In moments they overhauled the man and woman who were still marching down the hill. Wetzel circled around them, then blocked the path ahead of them with his mass.

  Vanja became human. “Go back, you fools!” she cried. “You’re not going where you want to go!”

  The two did not heed her. They pushed almost blindly against Wetzel as if not seeing him.

  “Haul them out of here,” Vanja said. She bent to grasp Veee around the middle and heave her up onto Wetzel’s rump. Then she wrestled Tod around similarly. Neither person resisted her, but neither cooperated; they seemed to be unaware of her. Whatever had hold on their minds took their whole attention.

  “Move!” she said to Wetzel. “I’ll try to keep them on you.”

  He stepped carefully forward, carrying the two bodies sprawled on his back. They started to slide off, but Vanja shoved them back on. He took another step, and a third.

  It was slow and clumsy, but they made progress up the hill. They came into sight of Wizard, who was locked in place, not going forward but also not able to retreat. “Keep moving!” Wizard called. “The hold will weaken with distance.”

  Then something changed. Wetzel felt it in his mind. The unseen monster had become aware that it was being balked, and was reassessing its tactics. Wetzel wanted to warn Vanja and Wizard, but would have had to change forms, and that would stop moving the others.

  The monster reoriented. Now Wetzel felt the compulsion. He tried to resist it, but it overpowered him. He turned slowly around and started back down the hill, toward the monster.

  “Oh no!” Vanja exclaimed. Then she too reoriented.

  The half-humans were not immune, merely different. Now the monster had found their range and captured their minds.

  Tod and Veee slid off Wetzel’s back. They found their footing and resumed their march toward doom. This time neither Wetzel nor Vanja could stop them.

  At least Wizard was still holding out. Maybe he could do something.

  Then Wizard walked forward, coming to join them. He too had been overwhelmed.

  They were lost. Unless they
could find some way to balk the monster before they reached it.

  Wetzel got an idea. It was far-fetched, but it was all his struggling mind could produce at the moment.

  He transformed back to manform. He found he could do that, because it wasn’t resisting the deadly pull on his mind. The predator evidently didn’t care what form its victims had, so long as they yielded to its imperative summons. Now he could talk.

  “Veee!” he said.

  She was right beside him. “Yes.” She too could respond as long as she did not resist the monster.

  “Hide from it,” he said urgently. “Go to your storm shelter. It can’t reach you there.”

  She nodded. Then she stopped walking. She had retreated into her secret place, and was no longer subject to the control of the monster.

  But in a moment she resumed walking. “It worked,” she said. “But I can’t desert the rest of you.”

  “I can retreat similarly,” Wetzel said.

  “But that won’t save the others.”

  And that was the problem. Saving just the two of them was not enough.

  “Maybe Tod can help,” she said. “Tod!”

  Tod turned his head toward her without halting his marching. “Yes.” He too could respond when specifically addressed.

  “Wetzel and I can retreat inside ourselves and avoid the mind signal. But that won’t help the rest of you. What can we do?”

  “Like dogs. One distracts while the other attacks. Take turns distracting it while the other acts.”

  It was more complicated than that, but Wetzel got the picture from Tod’s mind. “Do it!” he told her. “Make faces at the monster, or something. Tease it. Then retreat so it can’t find you. Maybe then it won’t be watching me.”

  She caught on immediately. “Hey, monster!” she exclaimed. “Sourpuss! Look at me! I’m escaping you!” And she stopped walking.

  The grip on Wetzel’s mind eased as the monster oriented on Veee. Wetzel strode to where Tod walked, put his arms around the man, and picked him up. He turned and strode back up the hill, carrying Tod. “That’s the way,” Tod said. “I wish I could help.”