Dark Lord, School's Out

by Jamie Thomson

  “Of course!” said Dirk, tucking his phone away in his pocket, giving the thing barely enough time to retract its little eye. “How could I have been so stupid? It’s the boots, the silver boots—they’re Voyager Boots! Though, er, I am never stupid, of course, being perfect. I must have been fooled in some way—yes, perhaps she cast some kind of spell of concealment or distraction or something, that must be it!”

  “Right, there’s no way you could ever have actually missed something, is there?” said Chris.

  Dirk raised an eyebrow. Was that sarcasm?

  “Anyway,” continued Chris. “What are Voyager Boots?”

  “Ah, Voyager Boots. Magical boots used for voyaging or journeying between the many planes of existence. She is using them to literally walk to the Darklands!”

  “Really? Well, if that’s true, then we’ve got to get those boots, so you can use them to rescue Sooz,” said Christopher.

  “Indeed,” replied Dirk, “but there is a problem.”

  “What’s that?” asked Christopher.

  “Well, umm. I’ll tell you later,” said Dirk.

  Chris narrowed his eyes, suspiciously. Dirk was holding something back, and that usually meant bad things would happen. And not to Dirk.

  “Anyway, I got it all on my phone, every move,” said Dirk, changing the subject.

  “So?” said Chris. “Don’t tell me you’re going to post it online, or e-mail it to people? I mean it’s freaky, and weird, but the disappearing act at the end—people will think you faked it somehow.”

  “No, no, I taped it so we can learn how to do it. We have to get the dance exactly right, or else we could end up somewhere completely different!” said Dirk.

  “What do you mean?” said Chris.

  “Well, if we get it wrong, we could end up walking into the wrong dimension. Could be really bad if we ended up somewhere like the Realm of Eternal Flame or the Plains of Instant Death!” said Dirk.

  “Plains of Instant … You’re kidding, right?” said Chris.

  “No, I’m not. It’s a real place! It’s only safe to go there if you’re already dead,” said Dirk, as he turned and set off for home.

  “Riiight,” said Chris. “Safe if you’re already dead. Of course!”

  “Indeed,” said Dirk. “You can’t be killed twice, can you? Well, actually you can, but I mean … Well, anyway, it’s safe for the Undead. Many of them choose to make it their home. Can’t get disturbed by meddling do-gooders out to destroy them.”

  Chris shook his head. “Anyway, what’s next, Dirk?” he said.

  “We go home, and wait until morning. Stumpsy Queery will turn up for work. You know what your mom is like; she’ll insist she doesn’t wear her boots inside the house, so she’ll leave her bike and her boots outside as she always does. We shall take the boots, come here, and depart immediately,” said Dirk.

  “But won’t that mean we’ll have to skip school? Mom will kill me!” said Chris.

  Dirk stopped and stared at him. “By the Nine Netherworlds, Chris, we’re not skipping to go and hang out at the bike racks or to mindlessly graffiti bus stops, we’re going to go traveling across the universe to a different dimension! Not to mention rescuing Sooz.”

  “Yeah, well, when you put it like that … But it’s still cutting though, isn’t it?” said Chris sullenly.

  Dirk shook his head. “Well, think of it this way—every now and then you get to go on school trips, don’t you, because sometimes there are better ways of learning things than sitting in class.”

  “Yeah but …,” said Chris.

  “Well, you’ll learn far more voyaging to some distant dimension than you will sitting in some dusty old classroom!” said Dirk.

  “Hold on a second, what’s all this ‘we’ stuff? I mean, I’ll help you and everything, but I’m not actually going to another world myself, am I? What do you need me for?” asked Chris.

  “Yes, you have to come with me, Chris,” said Dirk. “There is no other way.”

  “What! Why?” said an astonished Chris.

  “Well, I told you there was a problem.”

  “Yeah …,” said Chris.

  Dirk stopped and turned to Chris. He looked at him for a few seconds, scratching his chin and thinking. Then he said, “Only those of pure heart can wear the boots.”

  Chris blinked.

  “But … But … But I can’t go into the Darklands on my own and rescue Sooz—I’m just a kid. How would I survive?”

  “I know,” said Dirk. “But have you considered the saint?”

  “Saint? What saint?” said Christopher.

  “Your namesake, the absurd St. Christopher.”

  “Wha— St. Christopher? What about him?” said a confused Chris.

  “Think about it!” said Dirk. “What did you tell me about the absurd do-gooder?”

  “What … Wait, no! Don’t tell me you want me to carry you on my back?” said Chris.

  “Got a better idea?” said Dirk.

  Chris stared at him. “So, what you’re saying is that I have to have you on my back, while doing some freaky spell dance-thing and then carry you off to another dimension?” said Chris.

  “Exactly so, Christopher! It’ll be the ultimate truancy, the ultimate skipping of school! It’ll be so much fun!” said Dirk as enthusiastically as he could.

  “Right …,” said Chris, thoroughly unconvinced.

  “Also, you’re going to have to practice all night long,” said Dirk.

  “What?” said Chris. “Practice what?”

  “You have to learn the ritual by heart—all the words and especially the dance. You have to get it exactly right, and you have to do it with me on your back!”

  Chris narrowed his eyes in anger. “I could kill you, Dirk,” he said. “I really could!”

  “Ha, join the club!” retorted Dirk. “Just remember though, it’s the only way to rescue Sooz—bear that in mind!”

  Chris raised his eyes and sighed resignedly. “Well, in that case, I suppose so …” But then he had a sudden thought. “Hold on a minute—I’m not pure! That White Beast thingy, in that parking lot, it turned on me because I betrayed you, do you remember? Because I wasn’t pure anymore. That means I can’t go either. Hooray!”

  Dirk smiled at him and shook his head. “I’m afraid not, little human. You saved me, remember? You jumped on the Beast’s back, distracted it while I cast a spell. You took far more of a risk doing that than you did just blocking its way. It could have killed you. So, I’m afraid you were redeemed, even purer than you were before. Bad luck, old friend! You’ll have to come with me, after all. Mwah, ha, ha!”

  The next morning, Chris and Dirk set off as usual for school, though both of them were really tired. They’d been up most of the night practicing the Ritual of the Dancer on the Sea of Infinity, as Dirk called it.

  They pretty much had it down but it wasn’t perfect. Still, there was no more time, and they had to go with what they had. It was the best that they could do. Every hour wasted could be the difference between life and death for Sooz.

  Dirk had Sooz’s bag on his back, with all her stuff in it, but they’d had to leave the crow behind. He couldn’t come with them so Dirk had left plenty of food out in the garden and said good-bye, hopefully only for a day or two.

  The boys left the house for school like they usually did, but then grabbed the Voyager Boots and rushed off as quickly as they could to Miss Deary’s alley before the Witch could notice.

  It wasn’t long before Christopher was stomping around the magic circle, panting out the words of the spell, with Dirk on his back.

  Chris was nearing the end of the ritual. He gave a shout and took three forceful steps—just as Dirk slid off his back, shouting at the top of his voice—but he couldn’t hear what he was saying. Chris turned. All he could see was fire, fire everywhere! His hair was on fire, his clothes were on fire! Then he felt a hand on his collar and he was yanked back out of the flames.

  He collapsed
in the middle of the magic pentacle, smoking. Dirk was desperately putting out the fire in his hair. “Are you all right, Chris?” he was saying.

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Chris, checking the exposed parts of his body. After a few seconds, he got to his feet. “Yeah, nothing serious,” he said, though a little of his hair was gone and his eyebrows were badly singed.

  “That was the Realm of Eternal Flame. You got the ritual wrong! A few more seconds and you’d have been incinerated!” said Dirk.

  “Wow,” said Chris. “I never thought this was going to be that dangerous! Do you think we should postpone it for a while, get some more practice in?”

  “No, we cannot, for Sooz’s sake. There’s no time,” said Dirk.

  Chris frowned. “But—”

  “Again,” said Dirk forcefully. “We must try again, and this time, make sure you get it right!”

  Chris nodded resignedly. “Well, I guess we have to, but I’m really scared Dirk—what if we end up in the Plains of Instant Death or something?”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you. Now, let’s try again, from the top,” said Dirk.

  Dirk climbed up on Chris’s back. Chris began the dance once more. This time, when it reached its climax, he strode forcefully forward, in what he thought was the right place—and suddenly they found themselves in total darkness. They couldn’t see a thing. Everything was as black as the deepest night and as silent as the deepest grave.

  Dirk slid off Chris’s back slowly. They stood quietly for a moment, scared of disturbing the silent emptiness.

  Eventually Chris whispered, “So, is this why they call it the Darklands? I didn’t realize it was literally a dark land.”

  “No,” whispered Dirk. “No. This isn’t the Darklands. This is somewhere else. You got it wrong again.”

  “What?” hissed Chris. “Well, why don’t you take us back then?”

  “I can’t,” he whispered. “It’s too late. I thought for a moment we’d just arrived at night, but it’s much too dark even for that. I’m sorry, there’s no going back, only forward.”

  “Where are we?” muttered Chris.

  “I think it is the place they call the Valley of Unending Night,” whispered Dirk.

  “Unending Night? That doesn’t sound good. And why are we whispering?” whispered Chris.

  “So they don’t hear us,” whispered Dirk.

  “Who? So who doesn’t hear us?” said Chris too loudly.

  “Shhh! Them! The Denizens of the Unending Night,” hissed Dirk.

  “What … The denizens? What are they?” whispered Chris fearfully.

  “You don’t want to know. Luckily, it’s quite easy to travel out of this plane,” whispered Dirk.

  “Really? How?” said Chris. Suddenly there was a sound nearby. Both of them froze. Something was … slithering. After a few heart-stopping moments, the noise began to fade away. Whatever it was, it was heading away from them.

  Dirk breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, any light in the Unending Night will tear a hole in the fabric of this dimension, like a portal or doorway to somewhere else.”

  “That’s great! But where to?” whispered Chris.

  “The Abyssal Gulf,” whispered Dirk.

  “Abyssal … That doesn’t sound much better!” whispered Chris.

  “It is a kind of gulf between all the worlds. Not entirely safe but not nearly as dangerous as here. Anyway, we have no choice,” whispered Dirk.

  “Okay, anywhere’s got to be better than here—so, well … Ah … Have you got a flashlight, Dirk?”

  “Umm, no … You?” whispered Dirk.

  “No. What about my phone?” whispered Chris.

  “My phone you mean. Hmm, yes, that might work. Good thinking,” whispered Dirk.

  Dirk reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He flipped the lid—the face remained dark. Dirk felt around and pressed a button—but he hit the wrong one! It began to play the video of Dumpsy Deary doing the Ritual of the Dancer on the Sea of Infinity. The sound of her chanting seemed to echo around the Unending Night like a car alarm going off in a broom closet! Dirk shut it off as quick as he could, but at least the phone was on now, releasing a beam of soft reddish light.

  “That noise will bring them down on us for sure! Quick!” shouted Dirk, directing the light onto the ground.

  Suddenly, into the light a vast shape loomed. Chris and Dirk cowered back in horror.

  “Arrgh!” howled Dirk. “An Abominable Swallower!” Christopher simply whimpered in paralyzed terror.

  Above them rose the pale form of what could only be described as a gigantic fishlike maggot, its body mottled and lumpy. That was bad enough, but it was nothing compared to its truly terrifying head! It looked something like this, according to a picture Dirk drew later.

  Fortunately for Dirk and Christopher, it flinched back from the red glow of the phone, dull though it was, just for a second or two. At their feet, where Dirk shone his phone, a circle of light was burning a hole in the ground.

  “Quick,” said Dirk. “Jump in!” As quick as they could, they jumped into the hole, just as that hideous head whipped down, the snapping jaws of the Abominable Swallower closing over where they’d been standing just seconds before.

  They fell for a short distance—to appear suddenly in the air over a small platform of rock that seemed to be floating aimlessly in a vast gulf of space. They hit the ground bone-shakingly hard, but except for a few bruises, they were all right. Certainly they were better off than they had been a few seconds before!

  And then they began to look around. In the distance was a never-ending star-filled black sky, a 360-degree backdrop of diamond-studded night. Nearby, islands of rock floated in an abyss of space, some covered in vegetation and trees, some bare and dusty, others with rocky outcrops and hills, still others burning with baleful fire. Shooting stars shot past in the distance, flaming comets hurtled across the near sky, planets and moons hung like Christmas tree baubles in the vast emptiness of space—all sorts of planets, gas giants, ice balls, blue earthlike worlds, red dusty barren Marslike worlds, and many more. And everywhere they could hear a roaring, rushing sound, the sound of suns burning and planets spinning in space. Chris stared at it all in astonished wonder.

  “Welcome to the Abyssal Gulf,” said Dirk wryly.

  Chris could hardly believe his eyes. “But … I mean … Aren’t we in space? How come we can breathe? And we’re not freezing! Shouldn’t we be freezing, you know like, instantly?” he said.

  “Well, we’re in a kind of space. Sort of. Technically we are in the interstices, the in-between places that exist between the many worlds and planes of the Multi-verse,” said Dirk. “It’s not real space, it’s not really your universe even. It’s … It’s somewhere else, with different laws. That’s why it’s warm and we can breathe. In fact, here everything can breathe, whatever their natural atmosphere. Even fish would be fine—in fact, there are some over there!”

  A school of fish was indeed floating by—swimming by, in fact, just as if they were in some sea somewhere, in this case the Abyssal Gulf rather than the Gulf of Mexico or wherever.

  “Wait a minute,” said Chris. “Those are—whatchamacallits—sailfish! From earth! How’d they get here?”

  “Ah, well,” said Dirk. “Sometimes accidents happen and holes appear in the fabric of reality, allowing travel between the planes. In this case, they probably came from the Bermuda Triangle. It’s a kind of hot-spot on earth for interplanar events. Every place has at least one.”

  Chris gazed at them in wonder as they swam sedately past, as if space was just one vast ocean. “Wow,” he said. “This place is fantastic!”

  “It is, but still …,” said Dirk.

  “What? What do you mean ‘But still’?” said Chris, folding his arms.

  “Well, it’s a sightseer’s wonder, that’s true, but … Well, we’re kind of marooned here,” said Dirk.

  “Marooned! You mean there’s no way to
get out of here? Why we’d come here then?” said Chris angrily.

  “We couldn’t exactly stay where we were, could we? And anyway, it’s not my fault, is it? You got the dance wrong, didn’t you, you stupid human!”

  “What! MY fault! I had some fat idiot on my back!” said Chris angrily. “That didn’t make it any easier, did it?!”

  Dirk narrowed his eyes. “How dare you address me like that!” said Dirk. “Fat idiot? Me? How dare you, I have punished people severely for far less than that!”

  “Oh, so you’re going to punish me now, are you? How, huh? What could be worse than this?” shouted Chris, pointing around. “To be stuck here forever? And it’s your fault, not mine! I’m just a kid. It’s not my fault you can’t wear the Voyager Boots ’cause you’re such a bad guy, is it? It’s not my fault Sooz is stuck in some dungeon somewhere! If you hadn’t come along, everything would’ve been all right, wouldn’t it? None of this would have happened! Me and Sooz would have been fine, she’d have picked me, not you, you … you …”

  His voice trailed off and he started to cry. It was all too much for him.

  Dirk folded his arms and pursed his lips. He had to admit, Chris had a point. Dirk sighed. He put his arm around Chris’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Christopher, you’re right. I got you into this. Both of you. But I’ll get you out, I promise.”

  Chris looked up at him. “How? I thought you said we were marooned?” he sniveled.

  “Well, that’s true. But there are people who live in the Abyssal Gulf. Well, I say people—they’re not humans or anything, they’re Skirrits.”

  “Skirrits? Like the creatures that built the pavilion?” said Chris.

  “Yes. This is where they live, in between the worlds. That is why it is so easy to summon them. They’ll find us, I’m sure of it. They know pretty much what goes on anywhere on this plane.”

  “How?” said Christopher, who had finally stopped crying.

  “They can detect movements between the planes. Usually they come looking for what’s turned up, like scavengers or salvagers.”

  “Okay, cool,” said Chris. “At least we’ve got some hope, then!”