Come Pour the Wine

by Cynthia Freeman

“Well … you’re such a remarkable woman—”

  “Hardly … if I’d been so remarkable you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation today.”

  When Nicole returned to the small apartment, she found Mark waiting for her.

  “Hi, honey, where you been?”

  “I met my mother for lunch. God, she’s really great, Mark. Remember all the misgivings I had about the two of them at the wedding? Well, my mother’s just got to be the most incredible lady in the world. Mark, I want to see my father tonight and tell him.”

  “Okay. But let’s get fortified with pizza first. I’m starved.”

  “I’ll call and see if he’ll be home.”

  The line was busy.

  “He’s on the phone. I’ll call after we’ve eaten.”

  She got into her coat, put on a woolen cap and wrapped a knit muffler around her neck.

  As they sat in the restaurant, munching on crusty wedges of pizza that dripped with mozzarella, Mark saw how nervous Nicole was about telling her father their plans. Mr. McNeil had come down hard on her about their trip to Europe and he’d almost hit the roof about their living together. Nicole was still embarrassed about their living arrangement whenever she saw her father, and Mr. McNeil was always a little stiff when he was around. Well, it probably was a little tough to accept someone who was sleeping with your daughter, Mark thought. Maybe he’d be that way himself …

  “I wonder how many of these we’ve eaten, say in the last six months?” he asked, trying to distract her … and himself … from her worries.

  “What?”

  “I said … it’s not important. Look, Nicole, I know you’re feeling uptight about telling your father. But we haven’t done anything to offend anyone, and if your father’s a little off-base that’s a problem he’s going to have to deal with. Besides, he should be happy I’m making an honest woman of you.”

  “You’re right … I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty when I’m with him. He always thought I was so perfect—”

  “You thought he was perfect and he didn’t feel too guilty about—”

  “I don’t want to discuss it. He did and he’s suffered and besides, he’s my father … and I’d like a dime so I can call.”

  The line was still busy.

  “He’s home, so let’s go.”

  When Bill answered the door he was wearing his robe. The look of surprise on his face went unnoticed by Nicole as she gave him a hug, but as she looked past him into the living room she suddenly froze.

  Sitting on the sofa was a young blonde woman dressed in a sheer peignoir.

  For a moment Nicole thought her knees would give way. She looked at her father, then without a word ran down the hall, with Mark and Bill going after her.

  “Nicole, please—”

  The elevator opened and she nearly ran inside. When Mark caught up to her she was running along the street, her eyes blinded with tears. He tried speaking to her but she wouldn’t answer.

  Finally winded, she sat down on a cement stoop. Her whole body shook as Mark pulled her into his arms.

  “How could he?” she whispered, repeating the words over and over again.

  “Shh, Nicole,” Mark said, holding her even closer. “Come on, honey, let’s go home….”

  Back in their apartment, Nicole was sitting, wordlessly, on the bed.

  Mark went to her. “I know this was a shock. But please let’s talk about it. Your father’s a single man. He can’t live in a monastery, Nicole. He has no one—”

  “He has me … us. Aren’t we anything?”

  “Sweetheart, you’re not thinking right. I mean he has no wife.”

  “My mother doesn’t have a husband and she doesn’t go to bed and—oh God, I hate him, Mark … Is that why he left my mother, so he could sleep with any little—”

  “Nicole, please listen to me—”

  The doorbell rang, and when Mark went to answer it he found Bill, ashen white, standing outside.

  “Come on in,” Mark said. “Let me take your coat. Can I get you a drink?”

  “Please,” Bill said.

  Mark saw that Bill’s hand was shaking as he took his drink.

  “Sit down, Mr. McNeil. I’ll tell Nicole you’re here.”

  Bill slumped into a chair, unable to close out the hushed voices in the next room … “Honey, your father’s come to see you …” “Tell him I never want to see him again …” “Nicole, you’re really blowing this out of proportion, you were shocked, you’re hurt but you know you love him… Take a leaf from your mother, who you think is so incredible, at least talk to him …”

  Slowly she got off the bed, went into the living room, not acknowledging her father’s presence.

  The three of them just sat there in awkward silence, like characters out of a Camus novel.

  Bill downed the last of his drink … “Nicole, what do I say … ? I wish this hadn’t happened, I wish you’d called, I wish I were dead …”

  She looked at him, for the first time since she’d come into the room. “Your line was busy. Do you take the phone off the hook when you’re occupied?”

  “It happens to be out of order, but—”

  “Oh for God’s sake, let’s spare us all the nasty little explanations. Except tell me, I’m curious … is that what you left mother for? Is that your freedom?”

  “Nicole, please, I’m asking, begging you not to blow this up out of proportion … I have to make a life of some kind … please understand that I can’t live completely alone—”

  “Wasn’t that your choice? You had a family, you left it. Why? Try to make me understand, daddy.”

  “Darling, I can’t explain any more than I already have. We’ve already been through all the reasons why I left a million times, and I can’t say it’s much clearer to me than it is to you. Or much easier. Just know one thing … I love you, Nicole, and I’m sorry about tonight—”

  When he broke off, the pain in his voice was unmistakable. If it was an act, she decided, it was an awfully good one. She wished she could obliterate the memory of that woman sitting in her father’s house. It was impossible to understand how he could desire someone else when he had her mother, still the loveliest woman she’d ever known. But she also couldn’t stand seeing her father the way he was now, and she could no more deny her love for him than she could deny her own pain and anger.

  She went to him, put her hands on his shoulders, kissed him. There was nothing to say. She had said it all.

  “I love you, princess,” he finally did say, reaching out and taking her to him. “You just got a rotten shake.”

  “No, I didn’t. I guess it’s just that people are so damned complicated … it confuses me. I guess I have a lot of growing up to do.”

  “You’re not the only one, princess.”

  Nicole smiled, went to make coffee for them. After she’d come back with the tray and handed them each their cups, she sat and blew into her steaming cup for a moment before she said, “The reason I came to see you tonight … was to tell you we’re getting married in June. Dad, I want you to give me away.”

  He looked from his daughter to Mark. Mark had persuaded Nicole to see him tonight, even knowing how much he had disapproved of their past relationship. Well, one thing was for sure. He wasn’t going to louse things up for them by reacting the way his mother had when he and Janet had announced their marriage. And beyond that, Mark was like a son to him. He’d been there when Kit had had the twins, Mark and Deborah, he was their godfather …

  “I’m very proud of both of you. And I envy you, Mark, more than you know … you seem to have no doubts, no hangups. I’d say that’s the great legacy your parents gave you. I hope you appreciate it.”

  In June two momentous events took place. Mark graduated from Columbia with honors, and Nicole finished her conversion to Judaism. Now she was ready to become Mrs. Mark Weiss.

  Mr. and Mrs. William McNeil

  request the honour of your presence

  at
the marriage of their daughter

  Nicole

  to

  Mr. Mark Weiss

  on Sunday the twenty-second of June

  nineteen hundred and seventy-five

  at one o’clock in the afternoon

  at Temple Emanu-El

  New York City

  Janet read it over and over, then took out the small enclosed card …

  Reception

  Hotel Pierre, Fifth Avenue

  in the Regency Room

  Luncheon will be served in the

  Cotillion Room

  Janet was even happier about the event than she’d imagined. Nicole was going to wear her wedding dress, the one her mother and her grandmother had worn before her. She just prayed that the dress would never bring her daughter any sad memories. She dismissed the thought immediately.

  And so the day came.

  Two hundred people sat in the flower-filled temple watching Nicole and Mark become husband and wife.

  Bill had escorted his daughter down the aisle, then took his place beside Janet. Tears were in both their eyes … dear God, the memories … regrets … all that might have been … They sat in a kind of awe as these two young people pledged their troths to each other, in their own words.

  There was something very special about this wedding. Janet felt the presence of Yankel Stevensky. It was as though he were looking down and nodding his approval … Nicole was the one to carry on the tradition of three lost generations, and now he could rest in peace …

  They stood facing each other under the canopy. Nicole looked at Mark through her sheer face veil. Barely audibly she said, “Mark, I give myself to you with my total being. I will have no greater love than you. I ask for all your tomorrows, and even beyond. I promise to give you all my devotion and ask for yours in return. I will stand by you in happiness and adversity. I pledge to you all my trust and ask you to accept and respect me as your wife. Will you do that?”

  “Yes, I will. And I ask you to love me with all my weaknesses, and to forgive them. I promise to stand by you, hold your hand in the darkest of nights and be there for you to reach out to in sorrow. I pray our lives will be built upon love and understanding, and our home be one of joy. I ask for all the days of your life … Will you accept me as your husband?”

  “Yes, I will.”

  Exchanging rings, they said in unison, “I give this ring as I give you myself. It is a round circle without end. Such is my love for you.” As Nicole lifted her veil, Mark was handed the traditional goblet of wine. He held it to her lips, then took a sip himself.

  The rabbi blessed them and pronounced them man and wife. Then Mark stomped on the empty napkin-wrapped goblet the rabbi placed on the floor, and the ceremony was complete. As the rabbi watched them walking up the aisle, he felt far more confident than at most of his marriage ceremonies that their union would indeed last ’til death did them part….

  The reception was in full swing as Kit came up to Janet and said, “I guess maybe God had a plan, kid. We’ve been through the good and the bad times and we made it.”

  “We did, indeed, my dearest best friend.”

  No bad thoughts or recriminations tonight.

  As Bill danced with Janet he said, “You look beautiful … more so than ever. I want to thank you for allowing me to take my daughter down the aisle.”

  “No need for thanks. It’s where you belonged.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  MARK WAS AN ASSISTANT professor and Nicole was in her last year at Columbia when they learned they were to become parents. After two years of trying, it was most welcome news. They moved to Westchester when Bill, the proud grandfather-to-be, gave them the down payment on a house. Bill was delighted when they insisted he spend weekends and vacations with them. Nicole even furnished a room that was his alone. The nameplate on the door read: “Private—McNeil’s Pad.”

  Nicole had more than one purpose in inviting her father to come out on weekends. She still hoped that her mother and father, seeing each other so often, would eventually be brought together again.

  And it began to look as if her plan might work. Bill was included in all family affairs now. In fact, Janet and he had become friends, as he had once said they should be so long ago. The bitterness seemed gone. There was no need for it any longer. Now they shared their anticipation of the things to come.

  Family traditions began to evolve. Thanksgiving was at Kit’s, Christmas was Janet’s …

  Bill was beginning to be more at peace with himself, and the part his children played in his life was no small part of it. Jason had gone to M.I.T. after all, and was not only tops in his class but was making basketball history. What pleased Bill most was the solid relationship that had grown between them. It was only a matter of time before Jason joined the firm. And only a matter of time before Bill became a grandfather. How proud he was at the sight of his daughter becoming large with his grand child….

  Two weeks before the baby was due, Nicole and Mark moved into Bill’s apartment. Janet, Kit and Nat took a suite at the Regency. On the fifteenth of June Nicole presented her husband, not to mention the world, with a nine-pound baby boy. Gerald Weiss. With this tiny new human being, life renewed itself … The two grandfathers—they could hardly believe that—peered through the glass partition. Bill looked even more closely than Nat … he’d received the greatest gift of his life on his birthday….

  The years, time, had their way, and so there was not only the joy of birth, but the tragedy of death. Time, the balance wheel…

  Janet had just come home from the shop and was about to step into her shower before dinner when the phone rang. The moment she heard her mother’s voice, somehow she knew. “Janet, your father is very ill, he wants you to come home right away.”

  “What happened, mother?”

  “A severe coronary … it happened about three this afternoon, they think …”

  “Why didn’t you call me sooner—”

  “I did, but Renée said you’d left and—”

  “Never mind, I’ll come immediately.” Quickly she dialed Nicole’s number and told her what had happened.

  “Oh, God, mother. I’m so sorry. I’ll be right over.”

  “No, darling. I’ll just pack a few things and see what plane I can get out on.”

  “Are you sure you can manage alone?”

  Manage alone … my God, if her father should … well, then she’d really know the meaning of being alone … “Yes, darling, I can handle it.”

  “Well … I know you can, but you’re not going to. I’ll put a few things together and Mark and I will be right over. We’re going with you.”

  Thank God for her children.

  After hanging up, Nicole called Kit. “From the sound of my mother’s voice, I think she’s in a state of shock.”

  And Kit remembered the day of her parents’ plane crash. “Of course she is, but she’s not alone. Make sure she knows that … Nat and I will make the plane arrangements … Oh, Nicole, unless you object, I’m going to call your father. He felt close to your grandparents …”

  Janet sat now at her father’s bedside, holding his hand and listening to his shallow breathing as he spoke. “Do you remember, Janet, what I told you so long ago? I mean, that when my time came I wanted to be buried as a Jew?”

  Janet couldn’t control the tears.

  “You mustn’t cry, darling. I’ve had a wonderful life … your mother, you … my work … But remember, I want to be buried beside my father and grandfather. And since you, darling, are my immortality, it would please me very much to know that I will be remembered with the Kaddish …”

  Janet and her mother stayed with him through the long vigil. Seeing him slip away made them feel so helpless, so humble in the face of the Almighty. There was a power beyond them that made the real, the final decisions of life, of birth and death … Between the cradle and the grave people were allowed the illusion of leading their own lives, but in the end they were all His….<
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  At precisely 5:26 of a Thursday afternoon, James Stevens ceased to exist.

  As though it were happening to someone else, she sat in the chapel with her mother, her children, dearest friends … and Bill, listening to the rabbi’s eulogy. Then she watched as the casket was placed into the hearse, and it was Nat who became her solace. In her grief she had wanted her father not to have been buried so quickly. It seemed so sudden, abrupt. She wished they could have stayed just a while longer, but Nat explained that a Jew who died on Thursday had to be buried before sundown on Friday, since Saturday was the Sabbath. He also explained that in that tradition, what belonged to God must return without delay, that we came from the earth and to the earth we were obliged to return.

  As Janet watched the coffin being lowered into the ground, she once again felt a deep awareness of her Jewishness, a heritage more felt than practiced, in her case. But she would create a memorial in the name of her father, his father and the father that went before them. She would never forget to say Kaddish. She would learn how … She and her mother lingered a short time after the others had walked slowly down the paths to wait. A final good-by from the two people most important to him in life … and now in death.

  That evening friends and family came to pay their respects. Even in her bereavement Martha stood with dignity and thanked everyone for their kind words.

  The next day Nat helped Janet begin the traditional week of mourning. Each evening they went to the synagogue for memorial services, and by now Janet could say, Yis-gad-dal v’yis-kad-dash sh’meh rab’bo, b’ol ’mo …

  Sitting in the sanctuary with Nat, she silently spoke to her great-grandfather, Yankel Stevensky … “I thank you for the spiritual feeling that runs so deep in me. I promise never to forget.”

  There came a time to accept … to rejoice in life and accept one’s loss at the same time….

  But in spite of Janet’s plea, Martha refused to live with her. No, she would stay where she had been most happy … where she could sit quietly, speak to James, not needing an answer, knowing him so well she needed no answer … no, she told her daughter, she had to stay, to bring fresh flowers to his resting place … Her memories would keep her company through the long winter nights. They were enough. They were her life.