Recoil

by Evelyn Drake

  “Huh, you okay?” It was the only thing Kyle could think of. He hadn’t exactly had a plan when he’d knocked on Tobias’s door. He’d only known that he wanted to be near Tobias.

  Tobias’s jaw dropped and his eyes went wide. “So, let me get this straight. You fuck me, you tell me all those things you said, and then you storm out? And you don’t even look at me the next day? And then you come back to ask if I’m okay?”

  Kyle wanted to take a step back, away from Tobias’s anger, but he resisted. “I—I needed time.”

  Tobias stared flatly at him, then tried to close the door. Kyle reached out to stop it.

  Every muscle in his body tight and his hands clenched into fists at the sides of his thighs, Tobias looked as if he were on the edge of hyperventilating with anger.

  Without thinking, without lying to himself, without anything… Kyle stepped over the threshold of Tobias’s home, slid his large hand behind Tobias’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. His other hand slid around the small of Tobias’s back.

  Kyle jerked Tobias again so that their bodies were flush with each other from head to toe. Kyle could feel the growth of Tobias’s cock against his thigh. Shifting, Kyle made sure that his hardened, full, thick cock pressed itself into Tobias’s stomach. He made sure Tobias felt it, made sure to let Tobias know what it was he did to him.

  Kyle’s kiss softened and he started to pull back, waiting to see what Tobias said or did. But Tobias just whimpered into Kyle’s mouth, his clenched fists lifting to rest against Kyle’s enormous biceps. This time it was Tobias shifting, rubbing his abs against the tight swell of Kyle’s cock.

  Every fiber of Kyle’s body cried out in complaint when he untangled himself from Tobias. His lips vibrated from Tobias’s touch, and Kyle’s chest tightened in panic again.

  Every time he came, Tobias made him see himself, and that hurt worse than anything.

  “I can’t be here.”

  Kyle turned, leaving the door open in his wake as he headed for his car.

  I never have to see him again.

  11

  Tobias

  “What the hell just happened?”

  The door of Tobias’s apartment stood open and vacant, and despite all that he knew was best for himself and his life, he wished that Kyle still stood before him, filling that door.

  Barefoot, he rushed out the door in time to see Kyle’s retreating back as he edged around the corner of the path on his way to the parking lot. Though he was only walking, the big man’s long legs seemed to cover huge swaths of land.

  Shifting into an effortless run, Tobias’s feet slapped the cold, concrete path. It was the only sound he made and even that fell silent as he reached the patch of grass over which Kyle now walked on his way to his car.

  Thumping a hand down on Kyle’s broad shoulder, Tobias jerked back when Kyle spun with his fist drawn back, eyes wide.

  “Did you kill that girl?” Tobias asked, breathless though he had no reason to be. The distance he’d run would not normally phase him.

  Kyle’s other hand lashed out with lightning speed to bash into Tobias’s chest. Tobias thought that Kyle was shoving him backwards and flailed his arms out behind himself to catch his fall, but to his surprise, instead of falling backward, Tobias was jerked forward. Kyle’s hand twisted itself into Tobias’s shirt and yanked.

  Tobias was pulled up onto the tips of his toes as Kyle’s face hovered inches away from his own. His eyes burned with a rage that had Tobias doubting his decision to follow.

  “No!” He let go, sharply.

  “But you were fucking her…” Tobias said, not as an accusation but as a prompt to get Kyle talking. He wondered if he was suicidal again, pushing Kyle the way he was.

  “I was fucking everyone who wanted me,” Kyle growled, opening his car door.

  “Who? What are their names?” Tobias slammed the door shut, tearing the door’s handle from Kyle’s grasp.

  Kyle whirled on him. His eyes were cold and his expression held a meanness in it that Tobias had never seen in Kyle before.

  “Dunno. I don’t count. Do you?” The words were delivered like missiles.

  He had a point. Reason and jealousy fought in the back of Tobias’s head, but jealousy won. “And how many of those girls did you come with?” Tobias baited. “Because I remember last night.”

  “Shut up,” Kyle growled, his voice dropping from outrage into dangerous warning.

  “I remember a certain someone waking up the neighbors. But then, I guess my ass is just that good.”

  “I said shut up,” Kyle warned again, positioning himself to loom over Tobias so that Tobias found himself having to lean backward over the car rather than have Kyle right up against him.

  Tobias shifted just enough so that he could cup the front of Kyle’s pants. The man’s cock was rock hard and straining against his jeans. “You might be straight,” Tobias taunted, “but your cock’s not.”

  Kyle’s massive fist slammed onto the car hood and he turned his face away. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  No. You don’t know that I know what happened to you. With that knowledge, what the hell was Tobias doing taunting him? Kyle oughta be in therapy, not… this. But Kyle would never agree to go.

  Barely able to breathe, eyes wide and heart pounding, Tobias began to rub Kyle’s length through his jeans. His hand moved up and down the long, hard length, and just as Kyle’s body began to shake, the big man moaned a sound of anguished desire that nearly broke Tobias’s heart.

  “Kiss me,” Tobias whispered. Kyle had to be the one to do it. When Kyle didn’t move, Tobias squeezed lightly.

  Kyle leaned in, seeming to teeter off balance. His face got close enough that Tobias could feel his hot breath on his cheek, yet Kyle’s mouth did not take him.

  Tobias’s hand reached for the top button of Kyle’s jeans. “Kiss me and I’ll suck you—right here,” Tobias hissed. Getting caught would probably mean the end of Tobias’s career, but the part of him that was in the driver’s seat just didn’t care.

  “No,” Kyle shook his head, his balance continuing to falter, yet he kept his mouth close to Tobias’s. His eyes flickered and closed for a few moments, like a war was raging within.

  Tobias knew it was. He’d seen the case files. Anti-gay torture. What the hell was he messing with? Was he hurting Kyle or helping him? He didn’t know anymore. Kyle made it sound like both, at once.

  Kyle’s strong hands batted Tobias’s away, then turned their attention to the top button of Tobias’s jeans.

  “Tell me,” Tobias demanded. “Do you come with those girls?”

  “No,” Kyle answered, his voice shaking as much as his head. “I can’t. Only you.”

  He’s not even bi, then. Tobias felt worse for him, if that were even possible: Kyle had been trying for years to numb the pain, and not even with something that worked.

  Kyle’s mouth crushed Tobias’s as Kyle pushed him back over the hood of his car. All the while, his hands worked to undo the button of his jeans before unzipping him. A moment later, Kyle’s large, warm hand was sliding down Tobias’s flat belly to wrap itself around the stiff, thick shaft held captive behind the tented fabric of Tobias’s boxers.

  Tobias entire body shook with adrenaline as Kyle nipped a harsh trail down his body, through his clothes, until the big man had sunk to his knees upon the parking lot’s asphalt. Leveraging himself up on his elbows, Tobias watched as the top of Kyle’s head retreated down the length of his torso until finally his hot mouth took Tobias’s cock’s head inside. Only the thin, cotton cloth kept the touch of Kyle’s tongue from his sensitive flesh.

  Tobias whimpered his urgent need as he folded his body over Kyle and cupped the back of Kyle’s head with his hand. When Kyle pulled aside the fabric that separated them in order to take Tobias in his mouth, Tobias dug his fingers into the side of Kyle’s car.

  Kyle’s mouth sank deep on him and Kyle coughed hard enough that he had to pull off.
>
  “You don’t have to…” Tobias started to say but his words were lost in a groan as Kyle’s warm, wet mouth pulled him inside again.

  Holding his position of bent elbows to see Kyle’s head, Tobias did his best to stand and take it as Kyle’s face bobbed on and off his cock.

  On the other side of the parking lot, a car drove by, but they gave no indication of having spotted them, and the evening’s light had faded enough that the shadows had become their friends.

  “Kyle,” Tobias whispered and then yelped and hissed as Kyle’s teeth scraped his delicate flesh. “Kyle,” he said again, trying to warn him. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I can’t hold on. Kyle…” Yet Kyle’s head bobbed as his hungry mouth sucked and the flat of his tongue pressed against his underside.

  Tobias felt his balls draw up closer to his body as pressure built. “Kyle, I’m gonna come,” he warned again. Sinking his fingers into Kyle’s thick hair, Tobias pulled at Kyle, but Kyle’s strong hands held his hips in place and he growled. Then, the sucking restarted—wet and noisy. Hungry. Desperate.

  “Oh god, Kyle. Kyle…” Tobias moaned. His hips moved on their own, pumping into Kyle’s face. “Kyle!” Tobias cried out as the tension inside of him broke in a surge that had his body shaking as he thrust rhythmically into Kyle’s mouth. He filled Kyle’s mouth and the big man flinched, yet he stayed on Tobias’s cock, drinking down every drop that Tobias gave him.

  When Kyle finally pulled off, he fell backward to sit on the ground with his back against the neighboring car. The back of his hand wiped at his mouth, and his large eyes looked wild.

  “I did that. I did it,” Kyle whispered.

  “Yeah,” Tobias whispered back, unwilling to break the stillness. He watched Kyle carefully, his senses on high alert for another breakdown.

  “I can’t be gay, not even for you. I can’t.” Kyle swiped at a tear that had escaped the outer corner of his eye. “But I still want you. Help me.”

  Kyle’s anguished lament tore at Tobias’s heart, and the fact that Kyle’s eyes were still locked on his cock made Tobias bold.

  Stepping forward, Tobias straddled Kyle, putting his unguarded and spent cock inches from Kyle’s face. “Lick me clean,” Tobias demanded. “You’ve left me wet and messy.” Looking down his torso, Tobias saw Kyle lick his lips with hunger.

  Moving with hesitation at first, Kyle took Tobias’s hips in his hands and leaned in. Taking Tobias’s tip in his mouth with the tip of his guiding tongue, Kyle’s moan was loud and full of years of aching want.

  “That’s it,” Tobias encourage. “Now look up at me.” His heart nearly stopped at the beauty of seeing Kyle’s upward tilted face and the gaze of his large eyes fixed to his own. “I would have never stopped looking for you,” Tobias soothed as his fingers dragged trails through Kyle’s hair. “If I’d known you were alive, I would have never stopped. You were my everything.”

  Kyle’s eyes closed as if in reverence as his mouth worked Tobias’s softening cock, and it was a beautiful sight as Kyle lost himself in the pleasure instead of guilt.

  Tobias wanted to suck Kyle, wanted to have him in his mouth, but letting Kyle have him was more important. Letting Kyle hold his manhood was the biggest gift he could give, even if Kyle’s psyche might break at any second. It was a risk he was willing to take.

  Tobias loved him. He loved Kyle more than he loved anyone—even himself.

  12

  Kyle

  I’ve done it again. What’s wrong with me?

  Kyle watched warily as Tobias led the way back to his apartment. The boy-turned-man kept looking back at him and had a look on his face each time as if he were constantly being surprised that Kyle was still there and still following.

  Why am I following?

  Kyle’s parents’ ashes had become plants. With no family or money, their remains after their murder had been cremated by the state. It had taken Kyle a couple of years after being released from the mental ward to track down what had happened to their remains and a few months after that to get them released into his custody. After he’d gotten them, he’d eventually taken them to one of the nearby arboretums and had released their ashes under a hundred year-old sycamore tree. It was the best he could do for them, and letting go of them had been the best thing he’d been able to do for himself.

  Yet, letting go of their teachings—their beliefs—hadn’t been something he had managed to do since then. He was a monster. The knowledge made him feel as if he were rotting from the inside out. It made him feel as if his soul weeped a foul and putrid black slime that threatened to suffocate anything bright in his life.

  The image of Monica filled his mind, and he felt a piece of himself die knowing that what he was doing was putting her at risk. The woman who had saved him was now living with a creature best buried deep in a swamp and left to dissolve.

  “You okay?” Tobias asked, hesitating to turn back around after glancing back at him.

  “Yeah. I’m good.” Might as well lie. How much more harm can it do? I’m already dammed.

  Tobias entered his apartment door and then stood to one side with his hand on the handle, leaving a broad entrance for Kyle to follow. Kyle glanced down at the door’s threshold as if crossing over it was a turning point he could never come back from.

  “You coming?”

  “Yeah,” Kyle mumbled, stepping in. He held off breathing at first, but when he did, he filled his lungs. The air felt good. It was laced with warm cinnamon and vanilla. Glancing around the apartment, he took it in in a way he hadn’t done before. He’d been so focused on Tobias previously that he hadn’t stopped to take in who the man was within his own skin. His home was a reflection of who he was on the inside, and it was cozy and warm. Kyle felt at ease, like he only ever felt when with Monica.

  Feeling wary, Kyle turned slowly to look at Tobias. His stomach was knotted, his lips felt swollen from having had Tobias in his mouth, and the taste of Tobias lingered on his tongue.

  “I’m supposed to be angry at you,” Kyle said.

  “But you aren’t?” Tobias asked, closing the door to the apartment with the smallest of clicks before leaning his back against it. His bare toes had an elegance to them that made Kyle want to sit on the couch, laughing, as he rubbed his feet.

  “No,” Kyle said, shaking his head. “I mean, I want to want to fight you for, I don’t know… corrupting me, or whatever… but I don’t. I don’t want to hurt you. I… I don’t even feel like I hate you anymore.”

  Tobias’s head rocked back hard enough that it knocked against the door. “You hated me?”

  Kyle shrugged. “I thought you abandoned me. I thought you… I went through hell. I thought you left me to it.” His voice trailed off. “Everything I went through, it made me want to hurt you. And then, as I understood how wrong I was… how wrong we were—fundamentally at the core—I hated you because I blamed you for bringing that side out in me.”

  “But,” Tobias said, stepping forward, “you don’t hate me now?”

  “I want to. I wish I could. I really wish I could.”

  “The girls you’ve been with, did you hate them?”

  Kyle flinched away at the thought. “Why would I hate them?”

  Tobias took another step forward. “I mean, after having sex with them, did you ever feel angry with them?”

  “No.” Kyle had nothing else to say on the matter. He couldn’t see why Tobias would even ask.

  “But you felt angry with me?”

  Kyle started to deny it, but even now, a small whirlwind of rage burned in his belly that he was giving in to the touch and want of a man. He felt as if his own identity were being burned away to leave the monster his parents had warned him lived inside of him. “I don’t feel angry,” Kyle said, yet that lack of conviction in his voice wasn’t convincing anyone or anything.

  “You feel angry now?”

  Kyle turned his face away but kept his eyes turned so that he could see Tobias. He still didn’t trust
the man, yet reaching for naked honesty, he nodded his head yes, that he did feel angry. He was tired of trying to wear someone else’s skin. He was tired of being what everyone else said he needed to be. But, that didn’t mean he trusted Tobias Sohbier not to crush him. The man had more power over him than anyone else in the world.

  It had always been that way.

  “Then why didn’t you hurt me?” Tobias asked.

  Kyle took a step back, confusion making him even more wary.

  “I mean, if you’re angry, why not?”

  “You want me to? Maybe I should go.” Is that what it does to you? Makes you want to be hurt?

  “You weigh at least fifty pounds more than me,” Tobias laughed, “and it’s all muscle.” He sobered. “No, I don’t want you to hit me. I just wanted to know if you would.”

  “Oh,” Kyle said, giving Tobias an up-nod even though he didn’t feel convinced. In truth, it had been years since he’d known Tobias. Once upon a time, they’d been inseparable. But years and life had a way of taking their toll, and even if Tobias looked a little bit like the boy he’d once known, the person he’d loved might be gone. “I still think I should go.”

  “Do any of the girls you have sex with ever get jealous of each other?”

  Kyle stopped just as he was about to step forward. “No, I mean, why would they? It’s not like that.”

  “Not like what?”

  “It’s just fucking. What’s there to get jealous about?”

  “You’re kidding, right?” Tobias looked incredulous.

  “No, I’m not kidding. They want to get off. I help them get off. End of story. It’s not like they mean anything to me.” This last was blurted out, and Kyle snapped his mouth shut, wishing he’d shut up a little sooner.

  Tobias didn’t look away. “So, what? You help people get off but they mean jack shit to you?”

  Kyle shrugged his shoulders in a noncommittal answer.