by Brenda Novak
The telephone on her nightstand glowed beneath the silver sheen of moonlight filtering in through her window. Macy knew Thad’s card lay beside it, nagging at her, keeping her from relaxing enough to sleep.
Impulsively, she propped herself up and flipped on the lamp. “All right, dammit,” she grumbled, squinting against the light to read the number on his card while grabbing the handset. “This is it. There’ll be no going back now for either of us.”
Sleep slurred Thad’s voice when he finally answered. “Hello?”
“Mr. Winters?”
He seemed to come instantly awake. “Macy.”
“I’m sorry to wake you, but I couldn’t put my mind at ease until I accepted your offer.”
She heard some rustling, as though he was sitting up or readjusting his bedding. “You’re going to do it?”
“Yes.”
He exhaled audibly, then silence fell for several seconds.
Macy broke it. “How soon do I go in for my physical?” she asked, wondering what the next step was. Did they sign contracts? Did she visit his doctor or hers? Did she tell Haley what she was doing or wait until the baby made itself apparent?
“I’ll get you in tomorrow.”
So it would be his doctor. She should have known. Of course he’d want as much control over the process as possible.
“There’s only one thing,” she added.
“What’s that?”
“I want the money as soon as I’m pregnant. All of it. Haley needs the bone marrow transplant right away. If I miscarry or something, we’ll just have to do it again.”
“We’ll see what the doctor says,” he responded.
“Okay.” She felt suddenly awkward. She was going to have this man’s baby, yet she didn’t know what to say next. “I’m sorry about the…the lie at the restaurant,” she blurted. “I was afraid you’d turn me away. Something like that looks so bad, and I was scared for Haley—”
“I know.”
“Actually, I’m sorry I went home with that guy, too. I don’t remember what happened, but I’m not proud of it.” Macy silently cursed herself for volunteering more information than was necessary, but she couldn’t seem to stop the words. “I’ve never done anything like that before. Or since,” she added.
“Your husband had just left.”
“Yeah. I guess my ego was still smarting from the beating it took. I mean, I lost Richard to someone in a cheerleading uniform, for crying out loud.”
He chuckled. “If that’s all it took, he wasn’t worth keeping.”
Macy thought of that for a few seconds. Richard had some redeeming traits. He was generally optimistic and fun-loving, but it hadn’t taken her long to get over him. Their marriage had never been what she’d hoped it would be, mostly because living with a man like Richard was like trying to raise another kid. “Maybe I did something that made him turn to other women.”
“Don’t you mean girls? There’s no excuse for that.”
“She wasn’t his first.”
“Some men are like that. It’s not right, and it’s not the woman’s fault, either.”
Macy smiled. “The parents of the girl he ran away with were pretty upset. She used to baby-sit for us when she was younger. It was all horribly embarrassing.”
“I can imagine. Did they turn him in for statutory rape?”
“No. She was already a troubled teen. They made him promise to marry her as soon as our divorce was final. That’s all.”
“Did he?”
“Yeah. I had to track him down so he could be tested for Haley’s transplant and she answered the phone. They’re living in Colorado now, where her family is originally from, but I could hear her arguing with him in the background. I didn’t get the impression things were going well.”
“It’s no wonder.” Thad fell silent for a moment, then, “I take it Richard wasn’t a match for Haley’s transplant?”
“No, neither was anyone in his family.”
“That’s too bad.”
“It is, especially because of the way genetics works. A family member has a much greater chance of being a match.”
“Did it bother you to have to talk to him again?”
“No. Since Haley’s become so ill, that’s all I really care about.”
“I take it he pays no child support.”
“Not much. He sent almost a thousand dollars when I told him how much the transplant would cost, but he goes from job to job and can hardly support himself, let alone help us on a regular basis.”
Thad swore softly, and Macy found it strangely comforting. Talking to him on the phone so late at night made her feel like they were the only two people on earth. There was something intimate about it, something that encouraged the sharing of secrets, or at least the honest truth.
“Don’t you ever miss him?” he asked.
“Richard? No, not anymore. Every once in a while I wish for his support to bolster Haley and me through this, but then I realize that I’m deluding myself. He doesn’t do negative emotions well. If he were around, he’d be going to pieces, and I’d have to be the one supporting him. I spent the first few months after he left hating him because he could abandon his own child while she was so ill, but in retrospect I think he left because our marriage was already in trouble and he couldn’t bear to watch what was happening to Haley.”
“Such a sensitive guy.”
“Sensitive, maybe, just not very strong.”
“Sounds like you’re better off without him.”
“Yeah.” She yawned and sank into her pillows. “Well, I’d better go. I have class in the morning.”
“And a doctor’s appointment, if I can get you in.”
Macy sighed. “Right.”
“I’ll call them first thing and leave a message on your answering machine. Do you have a way to check it from school?”
“I do.”
“Great.”
“You want me to call you after I see the doctor?”
“There won’t be any need. I’ll be going with you.”
* * *
HONKING, Macy rolled down the window of her old blue Pinto and pulled to the curb, where Thad was standing outside the doctor’s office waiting for her. “I’m sorry I’m late,” she said when he leaned inside. “I’d forgotten that I had a test today at school.”
The scowl she’d seen from halfway down the street cleared to a degree, but he still looked tense. “No problem. I was just afraid you didn’t get my message. I checked us in. Hurry, they could call your name any minute.”
He directed her to the back lot, where she parked. Then he joined her as she came around the redbrick building. They walked stiffly side by side, taking care not to brush against each other or come too close. The enormity of what they were about to do nearly overwhelmed Macy again, as it had several times already that morning. They were strangers, about to create a baby! A human being! Another life! Yet they’d never so much as touched or smiled or laughed with each other.
What they were doing had to be wrong, didn’t it?
Macy watched Thad from the corner of her eye, wondering what he was feeling as he strode purposefully toward the front entrance. Dressed in a crisp shirt and expensive-looking tie, he’d obviously come straight from work, though he’d left his jacket in the car or back at the office. Narrow hips, accentuated by the tailored cut of his pants, extended into long legs and leather loafers with tassels. He’d rolled up his shirtsleeves, revealing sun-bronzed forearms covered with a sprinkle of dark hair. His hands were large and had too many nicks and scars to look as though they belonged to a pencil-pushing ad executive, but his nails were short and clean. Macy expected him to be wearing a Rolex watch or some other expensive brand, but he wore a simple sports watch.
“It’s on the second floor,” he said, holding the door for her.
Macy glanced at the sign on the wall that listed all the offices in the building. “Are we seeing a general practitioner for this part?”
&n
bsp; “No, Dr. Biden’s a gynecologist. She can do the pap smear and everything else today, which will save us some time.”
Pap smear? Did he just say ‘pap smear?’ Macy looked at him in surprise. Since when had men become so comfortable with this kind of stuff, so knowledgeable? She felt sure Richard wouldn’t have known a pap smear from a mastectomy, but it was the “everything else” Thad had mentioned that worried her. She’d lived a pretty tame life, sexually speaking, but after that one incident with the man from Studio 9, she had never been tested for AIDS. The thought made her uneasy.
“How did you decide on the doctor? Was this your wife’s OB or something?”
He nodded, and Macy felt a prick of sadness for all he had lost. She could easily picture him escorting his wife to the bank of elevators along the far wall of the turquoise and lavender lobby, just as he was doing with her.
The bell sounded and the doors whooshed open as a pregnant woman, who looked almost due, waddled up from behind, along with her husband or significant other. They all entered the elevator together, and Thad punched the button for the second level, then turned to the couple. “Dr. Biden’s, or another floor?” he asked.
The man put his arms around the woman and pulled her back against him. “Dr. Biden. We’re gonna have our first soon.”
“Congratulations.”
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Macy asked.
“We weren’t going to look at the ultrasound pictures, but Ronny here couldn’t wait, so he looked, and then I hated being the only one who didn’t know, so I looked, too.” The woman gave her husband a playful punch. “It’s a girl.”
“What about you two? You have any kids?” the man asked.
Thad said no at the same time Macy said yes. They glanced at each other and reversed their answers, but before they could explain, the elevator arrived and disgorged them all outside the door to an office labeled Dr. Joan Biden, OB–Gyn.
“Good luck,” the pair mumbled, and hurried inside, having obviously lost interest in a couple who didn’t even know if they had any children.
Macy smothered a sigh and followed Thad inside. If it was this uncomfortable when she wasn’t pregnant, what was it going to be like to be seen with Thad when she looked as if she had a basketball stuffed under her shirt?
A hundred grand, she silently chanted. One hundred thousand dollars for Haley’s transplant. She could tolerate anything for Haley’s sake. She just hoped Thad wasn’t planning to accompany her to every doctor’s appointment. And, oh God, what about Lamaze classes? Would he insist on those?
“Ms. McKinney?”
Macy jumped up when the nurse said her name and tried to snag the clear cup she held out before the inevitable, “We need you to give us a urine sample, please.” But the words came, anyway, like a prerecorded message, and Macy felt her cheeks warm. Peeing into a cup was no big deal—except for the presence of Thad and his rapt attention. Was he going to be in the exam room when she graduated to stirrups and pelvic exams?
Refusing to look at him, Macy mumbled her compliance and ducked around the corner into the washroom. She had to talk to Mr. Winters about letting her do the doctor and hospital visits on her own, she decided. What if an unfamiliar nurse mistook their relationship and invited him into the delivery room? Worse, what if he expected to be present, to cut the cord and everything?
Suddenly, Macy realized there were a lot of aspects about their “business” deal they had yet to discuss. Just how involved Thad planned to be was top on her list.
CHAPTER FOUR
THAD PASSED OVER a Woman’s Day, Good Housekeeping and McCall’s magazine in search of a Sports Illustrated or even a U.S. News and World Report, but to no avail. He finally settled for Family Circle.
The doctor’s reception room was decorated in pink with silk flowers, a picture of a ballerina and a curio cabinet filled with Lladro. It looked more like a woman’s boudoir than a doctor’s office, but Thad was surprisingly comfortable in the feminine surroundings. He’d visited Dr. Biden’s many times with his wife. They’d done the ultrasound here and saw their baby suck his thumb. They’d sat in the doctor’s private office and discussed Valerie’s due date and delivery options. They’d joked with the nurses.
After his experience at the hospital yesterday, where the memories of Valerie had crowded in so close he could barely breathe, he’d expected a return to Dr. Biden’s to be painful for him. Instead, he felt the stirrings of excitement. This was the first step toward filling the vacuum Valerie’s death had created.
Settling back to wait for Macy, he thumbed through several low-fat recipes without any real interest. Then he found an article on how to make Play-Doh at home, and he sat up straighter. This was valuable information. He had no intention of his child missing out on anything for lack of a mother, so he pulled out his day planner and jotted down the instructions. He found several other articles he felt would benefit him, too—“Ten Nourishing Meals Kids Love” and “The Top Family Vacations in America”—and made a mental note to subscribe to a family magazine when he got back to the office.
Thad had long since finished with Family Circle and moved on to Elle, when the nurse finally appeared.
“Mr. Winters? The doctor would like to speak with you now.”
His heart skipped a beat as he stood and followed the pink-smocked woman down the twisting corridors. The exam had taken a lot longer than he’d expected. Did that mean Dr. Biden had found something wrong with Macy McKinney?
Sitting on opposite sides of a wooden desk strewn with folders and charts, Macy and the doctor were waiting for him in the small cluttered office Thad had visited before.
Macy shifted uncomfortably when he took the seat next to her but said nothing.
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this, Thad,” Dr. Biden said, giving him a rueful smile.
Thad grinned at the middle-aged doctor. “You felt sorry for me, remember?”
“I still feel bad about what happened to Valerie, but I should have taken you more seriously when you called me a few months ago. What sounded good in theory makes me a little nervous in practice.”
“Don’t you think I’m ready to be a father?”
She looked at him over her wire-rimmed bifocals. “You’re ready. I just don’t know if the world’s ready to accept your means.”
“I wasn’t planning on giving the world a choice. Haven’t you been reading any of the latest self-help books? I’m supposed to take my destiny into my own hands, see what I want and plot the journey that will take me there.”
“You sure plot a direct course,” the doctor grumbled. “What happened to ‘Good things come to those who wait’?”
He shrugged. “Fate hasn’t been particularly kind. Forgive me if I refuse to leave my future to chance. And if you feel too much guilt or have to wrestle with your conscience, I’m sure I can find someone else who’ll help me.”
“I was afraid you’d say that.” She sighed, and folded her long slender fingers in front of her. “All right. I’d rather be a part of the whole thing than see you go elsewhere. Call me a sentimental fool, but after spending nearly eight months with you and Valerie, I want to see you happy. I just hope this does the trick.”
Happy? Thad knew that having a child would never ensure his own happiness. There’d be good times. There’d be bad. He just needed to forge some kind of bond with the living before he drifted through any more days without caring about anything.
“How did the physical go?” he asked, noting Macy’s silence.
“Other than being a little run-down, Ms. McKinney seems to be in perfect health. I’ve given her some prenatal vitamins she’s going to start taking right away, which should help build up her blood. Of course the results of the lab work won’t be back for a few days, so I’ll know more then, but everything looks good.”
Thad wondered how much personal information Macy had shared with the doctor. From Biden’s manner, he doubted she’d mentioned Haley’s illness
, but the way Macy kept glancing at her watch told him that her daughter was very much on her mind. He needed to get Macy on her way. “If everything turns out all right, what’s our next step?” he asked, rising.
“We need to set an appointment coinciding with Macy’s ovulation. You can come at the same time and donate the sperm. We’ll treat the semen with a solution that sort of turbo-charges it, then we’ll do the insemination. Fortunately neither of you have a history of infertility, so I doubt we’ll have to do it more than once. You’re not having any problems with impotency or anything, are you?”
Thad had to clear his throat before he could answer, and saw Macy smile for the first time.
He focused on the doctor. “No, I…um, everything’s in working order, I think. I mean, I don’t have any reason to believe I won’t be able to…you know.”
“Okay. Have you ever had a sperm count taken?”
He shook his head.
“Well, we should do one. It’s always best to know exactly what we’re dealing with up front.”
“Fine, great. Just say when.” He took a deep breath and shot another glance at Macy, whose mood appeared to have miraculously improved in the past thirty seconds.
“Is that painful?” Macy asked innocently, just when he thought the doctor was going to let him off the hot seat. “The sperm count, I mean?”
“No, not at all,” Biden replied.
“How, exactly, does it work?”
Thad wanted to roll his eyes. Macy was in med school, for Pete’s sake. She was doing this to bait him. But Dr. Biden took the question at face value. She launched into a full explanation of the sperm recovery process, and thanks to Macy’s probing questions, left nothing out—including the little room stocked with girlie magazines where he’d be expected to provide a sample.
The details embarrassed him enough to make him sweat. He loosened his tie, waiting for the doctor to come to a conclusion, then took Macy by the arm. “Call me when you get the lab results,” he said, and dragged her out before she could ask anything else.
