by Brenda Novak
The stiff paper beneath her bare bottom crinkled as she shifted to get a better look at the underwear folded neatly atop her sandals on the chair in the corner. She should dress and go. She felt doomed, as if she couldn’t turn back. But it wasn’t too late. She could still—
The door opened just as Macy was about to stand, causing her to jerk back and adjust the blue paper lap covering the nurse had given her when she’d told her to strip from the waist down. Macy hadn’t actually removed her dress, but it was bunched up around her hips, leaving her feeling vulnerable and unprotected. In just a few moments, a Dr. Howes—Dr. Biden was delivering a baby—would deposit Thad’s semen into her body. Aided by medical science, the little sperm cells would swim like there was no tomorrow, and they wouldn’t have far to go to reach the egg that was just sitting there, waiting to be fertilized. Then it would all be over. No backing out allowed. And nine months from now…
Macy didn’t even want to think about nine months from now. Her world revolved around next week. Haley’s transplant, her finals. That was it.
“I’m Dr. Howes,” the doctor was saying. A short, balding man with thick glasses, he shook her cold hand before stretching on a pair of surgical gloves. Then he sank onto a rolling chair and took a moment to study her chart. “Let me see here,” he murmured.
The nurse came in carrying a tray of medical instruments and a large syringe.
“I-I’m sorry, but I think there’s been some mistake,” Macy stuttered as soon as she saw the syringe, fighting an impulse to shout to be heard over the thudding of her heart.
“A mistake?” The bespectacled doctor scowled at her. The thickness of his lenses magnified his eyes to something much bigger than their normal size, and Macy had the fleeting impression that she was about to be impregnated by a giant praying mantis.
She nearly scrambled off the table and ran for her life, and would have had the nurse not taken her hand. “There’s nothing to be frightened of, dear. This isn’t going to hurt a bit.”
Perhaps not now, Macy wanted to say. It was nine months from now that worried her, and her concern had nothing to do with labor and delivery. The physical pain she could handle. Watching Thad take their baby, load it into his car and drive away was another story.
But could she walk out there now and tell him she wouldn’t go through with their agreement? He’d given her the chance she needed to keep her little girl alive. He’d thrown her a line when she thought she would drown in despair.
“Are you having second thoughts?” the doctor asked, the tone of his voice a subtle rebuke for wasting his time. “Would you like to postpone the procedure until you and your husband can be sure?”
Macy clenched her fists so tightly she could feel her nails cutting into her palms. “No, I—it’s fine. Let’s go ahead.”
“You are sure?”
“Yes,” she said, sounding far more convinced than she felt.
The doctor pulled the rolling tray toward him and scooted closer, and Macy willed herself to calm down. But when he touched her leg, she nearly jumped off the table.
“Relax,” he said, slightly impatient now. “I just need you to scoot up, bend your knees more…that’s it…and lie back.”
Closing her eyes and focusing on Haley and the transplant Thad had made possible, she did as directed. A very personal, intimate part of him was about to fuse with a very personal, intimate part of her.
The most amazing thing about it was that, despite all her fears and the fact that what she was doing contradicted every ounce of common sense she possessed, something about it felt incredibly, wonderfully right. And something else—her heart?—whispered that a lot could happen in nine months.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MACY SEEMED REMOTE when she came out of the fertility clinic. Thad followed her all the way to his car without speaking, but when he’d opened her door for her and climbed behind the wheel himself, he let the keys dangle in the ignition and turned to face her.
“You okay?”
She nodded.
“They said it wouldn’t hurt.”
“It didn’t.”
“Do you feel any different?”
“Physically? Not yet. That will take a while.”
“And emotionally?”
“I guess I’m as well as one could expect, considering.”
Considering the fact that her daughter was dying. “Okay. Do you want to talk?”
While she stared straight ahead, Thad admired her profile, the small straight nose, the full lips, the gentle swell of her breasts, the soft skin that was everywhere the dress wasn’t. He almost ran a hand down her arm, but he knew, if he touched her, he wouldn’t be able to stop at a friendly pat. The fantasy he’d let himself indulge in, the one where he’d made mad passionate love to her, was still too fresh in his mind.
“About?” she asked.
“About how we’re going to handle the next few months. I mean, the way I see it, things have changed a bit. I’m thinking we should reassess.”
She plucked a piece of lint off her dress, her nails neat and well shaped but short. Folding her arms in what appeared to be a bolstering or defensive move, she finally met his eye. “Why? What are our options?”
“Well, I was planning to live with you for the next nine months, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea anymore.” Not if you want me to keep my hands to myself. He almost added the words but was afraid she’d get the wrong idea and think he might force himself on her sometime, when in reality, she’d probably only drive him mad. He’d prowl at night, hoping she’d admit him to her bed, and then, if she did, he’d wake up feeling guilty for having taken advantage of a single mom.
Except that she wasn’t single. She was his wife. That entitled him to something, didn’t it?
No, not in their case. A baby was the end of their agreement. Anything more wasn’t fair to Macy. Not if she couldn’t enjoy the physical intimacy while it lasted and then walk away. And how could he ask that?
“Moving in was your idea,” she said. “There’s certainly no need to do it if you’ve changed your mind.”
Thad knew he should feel relieved, but he never felt the way he should anymore. For a few moments in the doctor’s office, he’d thought she was hoping for a real relationship, but if that was the case, she wouldn’t have let him off so easily.
“So you’re okay with the way things are?” he asked.
“I’m fine. As far as I’m concerned, we’re right on track. You gave me the money, which I paid to the hospital. Haley is getting her transplant next week. And I’ve taken the first steps toward fulfilling my part of the bargain. After today, I should be pregnant. What’s the problem?”
She nearly blinded him with a huge smile, but it didn’t have the reassuring properties one might have thought. Thad stiffened beneath a surprising wave of disappointment. Evidently he’d misread the signals she’d been sending him. Spending their nights together in a platonic embrace didn’t wreak the same kind of havoc with her body that it did with his.
“No problem,” he said.
“Your parents and my mother see us as newlyweds. If we don’t keep up the charade now, they’re going to know something isn’t right.”
“True.”
“So what’s changed?”
He laughed, and hoped it didn’t sound as nervous to Macy as it did to him. If she could go on the way things were between them, then he could, too, right? After all, he was the one who wasn’t interested in a more permanent relationship. “Nothing. Forget I said anything. I’ve already moved a lot of my clothes. I’ll bring the rest to your place after work.”
“Fine.”
And then I’ll spend another sleepless night with you in my arms, caught between the misery of telling myself no and the fresh wave of yearning I feel every time your firm little backside presses against me.
* * *
MACY GRABBED her towel, clutching it to the front of her as she dashed out of the shower to answer the teleph
one. Her own mother hadn’t returned from Vegas yet, but Haley’s newfound interest in her grandma Winters had freed Macy up enough to study at home this weekend, where it was quiet. She’d spent a good number of hours preparing for her final exams and was just beginning to believe she might pass a few of them, God willing, but after two days of intense reading and note taking, her eyes were burning and her back ached from sitting so long. She deserved a long hot shower, but she couldn’t let the phone ring without answering it. Not when it could be the hospital.
“Hello?”
“Macy? You sound like I caught you running the forty-yard dash. Are you okay?”
Lisa. Macy smiled and dried her naked body, then propped the phone against her ear with her shoulder so she could wrap the towel around her wet hair to keep it from dripping on the carpet. With everything going on in her life, she and her friend hadn’t had a chance to talk privately for several days. “I’m fine. I was just in the shower.”
“Alone?”
Macy rolled her eyes. “Of course alone.”
“Then you’re not making much progress.”
“It’s a little difficult to take a shower with someone who’s not even here. And Thad all but told me he’s not over his dead wife yet, which isn’t anything new. I think he’s got a few years of mourning left in him.”
“Not to be disrespectful, but like I’ve said before, Valerie’s dead, and you’re wonderfully alive. His practical side will win out eventually.”
“I don’t want to be some kind of consolation prize. I want him to fall head over heels in love with me.” Macy almost gasped at her own admission. That certainly wasn’t what she’d meant to say. “Wait, I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did. And I can’t blame you. Where is he, by the way?”
“At the hospital, I think.”
“I was there yesterday, with him and his parents.”
“Was Haley okay with my not being there?”
“Are you kidding? With all that attention? She was at the height of her glory. But the doctors seemed a little uptight about all the visitors.”
“I’ve talked to them about that. Everyone’s being very careful about scrubbing up, and I think the positive energy they’re infusing into Haley’s life is doing incredible good. Haley’s been happier this week than she’s been in a long time, despite her poor health.”
“I agree. She’s a tough kid. She sure thinks Thad’s pretty great.”
Thad was great, but Macy was trying not to think like that. It made the nights when they were sleeping together unbearable, the days when they weren’t together longer. “He’s been good to her.”
“The question is, is he being good to you?”
“He bought me a diamond ring.”
“That’s not what you want.”
“I know. But I don’t think things are going to work out the way I want.”
“And you think this because…”
“He’s slept with me a number of nights already and hasn’t made any kind of move. Surely if he had interest in me, he’d want to touch me, or kiss me, at least, don’t you think?” She chewed her lip, considering Thad’s circumspect behavior. “He offered to once, but I’m not sure that really counts. We were in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, so he was pretty safe.”
“Then maybe you should help things along. Have you ever thought of that?”
“No.”
“Seduce him. Remind him what it’s like to have a wife.”
“But I don’t want him to sleep with me if he doesn’t love me. I’d feel like sloppy seconds. How much fun could that be?”
“Have some confidence, kiddo. There aren’t many women more attractive than you are.”
“I lost my husband to a—”
“I know, to a seventeen-year-old. But that says more about Richard than it does you.”
Everyone said that, and it made sense—to Macy’s head. Her heart, however, was more difficult to convince. “Still, sometimes I’m afraid I’m not, I don’t know, woman enough to hold a man, I guess,” she said, voicing her worst fears. She stretched the phone cord and began to pace, then crossed to the window to gaze out at the backyard, which was completely concealed by the tall shrubs lining the fence.
“Thad’s not like Richard. There’s a maturity about him that Richard never possessed,” Lisa pointed out.
“But he’s in love with another woman. A dead woman, granted, but…”
“At least his being so devoted and loyal says a lot.”
Macy had to concede that point, but it didn’t change anything, at least for her. “He doesn’t want me, Lisa.”
Tucking a dripping tendril up into her towel, she turned and started to pace back toward the telephone table, then froze. Thad was standing in the living room, staring at her, his keys still in his hand, his jaw sagging. “Who doesn’t want you?” he asked.
“Macy? Macy? Are you there?” Lisa’s tinny voice came through the receiver, calling her several times before Macy had the presence of mind to whip the towel off her head and drape it around her body.
“Um, I have to go,” Macy murmured.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine.” She set the phone on its cradle, careful to keep her new shield from revealing a healthy dose of what Thad had already seen.
“That was Lisa,” she said to him, trying to act normal, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him to walk in on her while she was naked. “I was in the shower when the phone rang, and I was afraid it was the hospital…I didn’t hear you come in….”
She let her words drift away when she realized he wasn’t listening. His focus was farther down, on her bare legs.
“Who doesn’t want you?” he repeated.
Macy’s throat constricted until she could scarcely swallow. “No one you know,” she managed to say. Then she skirted past him and dashed for the safety of the bathroom.
* * *
THIS JUST ISN’T GOING TO WORK. With a curse, Thad stabbed a hand through his hair and stared blankly at Macy’s now-empty living room. When he’d made his deal with her, he hadn’t counted on his body’s complete rebellion. He’d thought her lovely, mysterious, but how could he have guessed she’d affect him so completely? Since Valerie’s death, he’d dated a few times, and every single one of those women had left him stone cold. He’d told himself that Macy’s vulnerability, her need, her obvious love for her daughter, was what drew him, but the raging desire that coursed through his veins at the sight of her pacing in the buff had nothing to do with anyone’s needs but his own.
I can have her. She’s my wife.
He started down the hall, then stopped.
No, sex wasn’t part of the deal.
But if she agreed…
Dropping his head into his hands, he rubbed his temples. He should move out and tell her to lock her doors against him.
Instead, he covered the rest of the distance to the bathroom door and knocked. “Macy?”
“Yes?”
“Mom’s doing great with Haley.”
“That’s good.”
“And you’ve been studying for two days straight. It might be good for you to take a break.”
“I think you’re right. I’m seeing double my eyes are so strained. I thought I might run over to Lisa’s for a little bit, you know, get away.”
“What about letting me take you to dinner?”
A long pause.
Thad held his breath, hoping…for what? That she’d tell him to go fly a kite? That she’d agree? Damn, he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Except for one thing: he wanted at least one night with Macy, maybe, probably, more. And the thought that she might be carrying his child only made his desire for her stronger.
“Where do you want to go?” she asked, hesitant.
Thad recalled the most romantic restaurant he knew. It had been a long time since he’d tried to impress a woman, but he hoped he hadn’t forgotten how. “Leave the restaurant to me. I know
the perfect place.”
* * *
THE CANDLE on the table flickered, throwing subtle shadows against Thad’s face as Macy sat across from him in the quaint Italian restaurant he’d chosen. She gazed at the wall of windows overlooking Salt Lake, the loaves of crusty bread along the bar, the hanging meats overhead and thought she’d never been anywhere quite so wonderful. Richard’s idea of a night on the town had included burgers or ribs and possibly a movie, but never anything with so much atmosphere.
Dressed in a pair of black silk pants and the sleeveless jade sweater her mother had given her for Christmas, Macy felt more attractive than she had in a long time. She wasn’t sure if it was the elegant setting, her dressy clothes or what she read in Thad’s eyes when he looked at her that made the difference, but she did know that Thad was incredibly handsome in his starched shirt, slacks and loafers. She loved his square jaw and the slight cleft in his chin, his solid build, his crooked grin.
Macy focused on her fruity, nonalcoholic drink, knowing she’d have to be very careful how she handled herself tonight, or they’d both wake up to some significant regret in the morning.
“Do you like this place?” he asked.
Macy breathed in the smell of garlic and fresh-baked bread and smiled. “I haven’t been out in so long you could have taken me to a soup kitchen and I would have been grateful. But this is especially nice.”
“Well, it won’t be hard for them to outdo the hospital cafeteria, I’m sure. Are you all ready for your exams?”
“In my current frame of mind, I don’t know if a year of studying would make me ready. But at least I have a fighting chance now. I’m certainly not going to ace them, but I may pass, if I’m lucky.”
“I think it’s your turn to be lucky.”
Macy had to admit, at least to herself, that her thoughts were beginning to revolve more around getting lucky than being lucky. But she was trying not to let her mind go there. Thad wasn’t ready to make a commitment, and she wasn’t ready to have sex with him without one. She’d learned too much from Richard, wasn’t willing to set herself up for the hurt such premature intimacy would entail.
