Mums Just Wanna Have Fun

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘What happened when you had the baby?’

  ‘It got worse – much worse. Now I had this baby that people could actually judge me on. I was in the hospital and the nurses were there to watch over me and make sure I was doing everything right but then they sent me home and suddenly, this little life was down to me and I didn’t have the foggiest idea what I was doing.’

  Harriet could relate to that feeling. She focused in on Jayne’s face as she spoke and she could see the pain in it as she relived this part of her life. She wanted to hug her which was so far away from the person she was back home. This holiday was making her do and say stuff that was totally out of character – she felt a little bit out of control and she wasn’t sure she liked it.

  ‘For the first few months I just put it down to feeling overwhelmed and having a newborn baby. Surely everyone feels this way. But then I started going to NCT groups and I felt like everyone else was doing it better than me. Everyone else looked perfectly preened and like they’d had a zillion hours’ sleep and here I was, rocking up having been up all night with a screaming baby who couldn’t settle at all.’

  ‘Didn’t they help you?’

  Jayne laughed. ‘Don’t be silly, of course I didn’t tell anyone! I wasn’t going to throw myself into the fire pit and open myself up to judgement and ridicule because I didn’t know how to look after my own baby. I plastered on a smile and pretended I was fine.’ She shook her head. ‘But I didn’t go back. Going to the classes made me feel inadequate.’

  ‘What did your husband say?’

  ‘I didn’t tell him. I kept leaving for the groups every week, but I would go and sit in the park instead. When he asked me how the group was, I would lie and make up little stories about what happened.’

  ‘Really? That’s awful that you felt like that.’ Harriet wanted to jump up and down and scream I completely understand – I felt like that too! Some days she still did. She totally got what Jayne was saying. Hearing another person – and not someone who had to be nice to her – talking about emotions that Harriet felt she was the only person in the world feeling, it was overwhelming. It was as though she was seeing herself from afar. Hearing Jayne speak out loud all the worries that were inside Harriet’s head made her feel like she was watching herself from the outside, from another perspective. It was a strange feeling.

  Jayne smiled, ‘I know. But I was slowly losing my mind. Then I probably made one of the biggest mistakes of it all … I started looking on social media every hour of every day at other mums and their lives. And guess what – it all looked perfect.’

  Harriet nodded and pulled a face –she had been there many a time. She still did it now.

  ‘I was seeing every day, every hour, pictures and statuses of these mums who had their little cherubs who were perfect and never cried and slept through the night and here I was with a screaming baby 90 per cent of the time who never slept. They would post pictures of all these amazing days out or pictures of them doing yoga on a white sand beach whilst their bundle of joy slept soundly in the sand and here I was with my mum bun falling out, my boobs still leaking and a purple faced Michelin man baby because she was crying all the time.’

  Harriet laughed. ‘I know exactly what you mean. I would see the same things when I had Tommy except I wasn’t at home with the mum bun and screaming baby – I was at work with the leaky boobs, porridge down my suit and snot in my hair.’ Harriet instantly felt the release as she began to open up and talk about her own experiences.

  Jayne giggled and clinked her glass with Harriet’s. ‘Proper mummies.’

  Harriet grinned, a strange feeling overcoming her. She really liked Jayne. Like, properly liked her.

  ‘But this was where I went wrong because then not only did I think other people were judging me, I was now constantly judging my own parenting and ripping myself apart. Being a parent is bloody hard and we need to be kind to ourselves. So when you get to the point where you are destroying yourself on a daily basis, it’s a slippery slope from there. I went downhill very quickly.’

  A table came free right next to where they were standing so Harriet darted quickly to grab it and Jayne grabbed the other chair and sat down opposite her. The breeze was gentle around them and because of their location, they were far enough away from the DJ to not have to shout loudly to be heard, but it was nice having the music as a background for their conversation because it was getting personal and Harriet was feeling a little exposed. But she needed this, she felt liberated just listening to Jayne’s story.

  ‘What happened?’ she pressed. The more she heard about Jayne’s story, the more she realised that maybe her own story wasn’t far from other people’s. Maybe she wasn’t as alone as she’d first thought.

  ‘I stopped going out. I stopped talking to my husband so we started arguing. He could see the changes in me but whenever he tried to talk to me about it I would shout blue murder at him.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I felt like he was now judging me and my parenting. He would tell me that I needed help and I would take that as him saying I was incapable of looking after our child. I cut off the friends I had made through the pregnancy and parenting stuff because they could all do it better than me and I didn’t want to feel inadequate anymore.’ She sighed. ‘And then it began to have an adverse effect on my relationship with April and I started to resent her. I didn’t want to be around her anymore so I would just sit and cry and then she would cry because babies can feel it you know. They know when you’re feeling sad and even if you’re not crying, they can sense the stress.’

  The words from Harriet’s conversation with Nancy rang in her head.

  ‘I wasn’t eating properly; I was crying all the time and Richard got so sick of me that he nearly left me and took April with him. I was in a really dark place – I told him to just go and to take her. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be a mum anymore because I couldn’t do it.’ Jayne was a strong woman, Harriet could tell that, but even she was starting to struggle with reliving the dark moments. Harriet was left wondering how Jayne had got through it to be sitting here today talking about it. She felt the emotion begin to creep up and settle at the back of her throat. She tried to swallow it down, but it was lodged there like a ball.

  ‘And then one day, I hit absolute rock bottom. April had been up all night crying and I couldn’t do anything to stop her. I had fed her, sang to her, cuddled her, winded her, changed her … everything you could think of and she still cried. And I just went down to my husband and broke down. I didn’t think I could cry any more than I had done over that period but my God, I literally fell apart. My heart actually hurt because I felt like it was broken. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I felt like a stranger inside my body. I wanted to just crawl away and die.’

  ‘Bloody hell,’ Harriet squeaked. She had felt down – really down – over the last year, but it was nothing in comparison to what Jayne had just described. It put everything into perspective a little bit.

  ‘But Harriet, I got through it. And do you know how?’ Harriet very slightly shook her head, fixated by the story so much that she couldn’t move. Jayne placed her hand onto Harriet’s and normally, she would’ve recoiled at this very public bodily contact but this time, she really needed it and she was so grateful to Jayne for that instinctive gesture. ‘I let people in. I stopped trying to carry the world on my shoulders and pretend that I could do everything. I stopped shutting out those around me because I thought they would judge me. I stopped blaming April for making me feel this way because in reality it wasn’t her making me feel shit, it was me. It was the pressure I was putting myself under and it was because I was letting what everyone else thought dictate how I felt and behaved.’

  She squeezed her hand gently. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it was entirely my fault and I should’ve just sat back and not given a damn what people think – it doesn’t work like that. We are human, of course we care what people think of us and it’s no
t as easy as just ignoring them because you can’t ignore it and it is totally normal to feel affected by it. But the key is to keep talking about it and let people help you. You don’t have to do it all by yourself.’

  Harriet took a sip of her drink as the words resonated deeply with her. She needed to sort her life out and fast – before she spiralled down to rock bottom like Jayne.

  Chapter 28

  Nancy walked away from Cameron clutching the booklet in her hands, in a daze. His gift had come as a complete shock. She hadn’t realised how much Cameron had taken in from their conversation that night so for him to have spent time doing this was hard for her to comprehend. She spent so much of her time defending Jack from judgement that it was difficult to adapt to someone’s kindness. As she approached the bench where Jack was sitting, she noticed Harriet talking to Jayne. The two of them seemed completely in their own little world, sitting close to one another. Jayne looking stunning in her floral pink dress that was nipped in at the waist showcasing her slim, up and down figure. It was a pale pink colour and had sort a sheer layer over the top of the material, meaning her shoulders were on show but still covered up. She was beautiful and just radiated warmth and happiness, and Nancy was glad Harriet was giving her the time of day now. Harriet, on the other hand, was looking chic and stylish in a pair of black and white stripy shorts and a fitted, white, one-shouldered top with a frill over one shoulder. Her tanned legs went on for miles in the short shorts and tan wedges, showcasing the most perfect of figures.

  Nancy looked down at her own legs, which she had hidden away under her lightweight all in one jumpsuit. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her legs, but she was so slim right now she felt self-conscious that she appeared to be all skin and bones. She had lost a lot of weight since Pete had left and she hated it, her stress showing visibly on her body.

  Reaching the bench, she sat down next to her son and gently placed her hand on his arm, gaining his attention from the iPad. He pulled his headphones off and looked at her.

  ‘Alright little man?’ He nodded. ‘What you watching?’

  He turned the screen to show her. ‘Grand Designs.’

  She smiled. He loved his building programmes. ‘Is it a good one?’

  ‘Yeah, they are putting a big balcony on this house right there.’ He pointed at the screen. ‘And then they are going to open up the roof bit there and put a big window in so they can see the stars!’ His voice was full of excitement and wonder.

  ‘That sounds incredible.’

  ‘I wish I lived there – can we live there?’

  ‘What about our house? You like our house.’

  ‘Yeah but there isn’t a balcony, or a big window.’

  ‘True, but there is a garden with a cool treehouse.’

  Jack’s face lit up. ‘Yeah, my treehouse!’ His face dropped. ‘I miss my treehouse, can we go home now?’

  Nancy put her arm around him. ‘Oh sweetheart, not yet darling. Soon we will be going home. Right now, we are having fun on holiday … aren’t we?’

  She watched his little face as he put his headphones back on and shrugged out of her grasp. ‘I guess so.’

  She put her hand on his forearm again and he looked at her questioningly. ‘I have something to show you – I hope you like it.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘You remember that boy that keeps coming over to you and talks to you – and I talk to his daddy?’

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t like it, it makes me feel funny.’

  ‘Is it because you don’t know who they are – because they’re new?’ A nod. ‘Well, this might be something that can help.’ She handed him the booklet and he studied the front cover for a good minute before turning to her and saying;

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘It’s a special book for you to read – for us to read together.’

  ‘I like reading.’

  ‘I know you do and do you know why this book is so special?’ He shook his head. ‘Because it is a friendship book.’ He looked at her in confusion. ‘This book is about that boy who comes and talks to you and about his daddy who talks to me.’ She paused for a moment and watched him turn the booklet over in his hands, analysing the drawing on the front.

  ‘Who is that?’ he asked, pointing to the picture.

  ‘That’s a picture of the little boy and his dad – the boy drew it for you. Isn’t that nice?’

  Jack nodded. ‘I like his drawing.’

  ‘I like it too.’ Nancy’s heart swelled with happiness. She tried hard not to get excited but even she had to admit that this was going rather well. ‘Do you want to look inside?’ He nodded and opened the first page:

  All about me: Aiden

  My name is: Aiden

  I am seven years old

  I have brown hair and brown eyes.

  I really like … swimming, reading, playing superheroes with my dad

  I don’t like … angry voices, Brussel sprouts

  Nancy read out all the different sections for Jack and he listened intently. This was ingenious!

  ‘He doesn’t like angry voices?’ Nancy shook her head. ‘I don’t like angry voices either.’

  ‘I know. That’s something you both have in common – it means you both have something similar. And that’s what friends are – they’re people who are similar to you and enjoy the same things you do.’

  ‘He says he enjoys swimming, but I don’t like water.’

  ‘Yes, but that’s OK, because we are all different, that’s what makes us special.’ She smiled at him as he nodded. She often told him he was special and that it was OK to be different.

  ‘Keep reading, Mummy.’

  Nancy turned the page:

  My favourites page:

  My favourite colour is: Orange

  My favourite book is: Horrid Henry

  My favourite TV show is: Horrid Henry

  My favourite film is: Horrid Henry

  Jack gasped. ‘My favourite film is Horrid Henry too!’

  Nancy took in his shocked face. ‘Isn’t that wonderful?’ A sizzle of excitement was bubbling up inside her. She saw out of the corner of her eye, over Jack’s shoulder, that Cameron was watching them from over by the bar. When he saw her looking, he gave her a thumbs up sign. Nancy smiled and nodded in response, to indicate it was going OK. He smiled and winked in return and she pulled her eyes back to the booklet before she started blushing.

  She turned the page:

  I don’t have a mummy but my daddy is like my mummy too. Here is a bit about him too.

  All about me: Cameron

  My name is: Cameron

  I am 38 years old

  I have blond hair and blue eyes.

  I really like … going for walks, going to the cinema and reading

  I don’t like … getting up early, spiders and when Aiden is sad

  ‘His daddy is older than you are.’

  Nancy nodded. ‘Yes he is, but only by a few years.’

  ‘Six years.’ Nancy nodded. ‘Why doesn’t he have a mummy?’

  ‘I don’t know sweetheart. But it is kind of the same thing with you, you don’t see your daddy, and he doesn’t see his mummy. That’s another thing you have in common – do you see?’

  ‘Oh yes!’ He pondered on the thought for a minute. ‘Carry on reading, Mummy.’

  My favourites page:

  My favourite colour is: Green

  My favourite book is: Jack Reacher

  My favourite TV show is: Countryfile

  My favourite film is: Taken

  ‘I don’t know what any of those things are except the colour.’

  Nancy laughed. ‘That’s because you are a lot younger than me and Cameron. Those are good choices, I can tell you that.’

  ‘His favourite book has the same name as me.’

  ‘So it does, that’s funny.’ Jack nodded and turned the page.

  My job is to look after babies when they are born and to make them better when they are p
oorly – my job is called a NEONATAL SURGEON. I am a special doctor for babies.

  A smile crept across Nancy’s face as she read this part. She found his job fascinating. She felt it showed a lot about his personality and the type of person he was. Any man who chose to work with children instantly found himself bumped up the attraction list, in her opinion.

  ‘Wow, he’s a doctor. I see lots of doctors.’

  ‘Yes, you see the doctors at the hospital and the clinic, don’t you? They help you with how you’re feeling and with school and stuff don’t they?’ He nodded. This booklet had created a basis for Nancy and Jack to talk. She was getting to know Aiden and Cameron, but more importantly, she was getting a little insight into Jack too.

  ‘So you see, he has an interesting job, hey? And Aiden seems like lots of fun?’ Jack shrugged. ‘Do you think maybe one day you would like to talk to Aiden?’

  Jack shook his head and Nancy’s heart sank. It hadn’t worked. ‘Why not?’

  ‘I still don’t know who he is.’

  ‘But you know a little bit about him now. You know that he likes some of the same things as you and that he doesn’t like angry voices so he won’t be loud around you.’

  She so desperately wanted this to work, but it seemed like a long shot now. As the excitement wore down and reality set in, Nancy realised just how disappointed she was that she wouldn’t get to spend more time with Cameron. ‘It’s OK sweetheart, if you don’t want to talk to him, that’s fine. But keep the booklet and look at it whenever you like – you might feel differently on another day.’

  He took the booklet from her but then placed it down beside him. ‘Can I watch the building again?’

  Nancy nodded and exhaled as he placed the headphones back on his head. Cameron held out his hand for a verdict and she sadly shook her head. Cameron responded with a sad smile and Nancy turned around on the bench and looked out to sea.

  Why was it so hard – all she wanted was a son who was like everyone else. She instantly hated herself for thinking it and shook the thought from her mind. Just her and Jack – it would be fine.