Mums Just Wanna Have Fun

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘Mummy, is it breakfast time yet?’

  Harriet exhaled – all that child did was eat. Even when she was still chewing she was likely to be asking what was next to eat. ‘Not yet, Isla, we need to wait until Jack and Nancy are ready.’

  ‘Shall I go wake them?’

  ‘No!’ She corrected her tone. ‘Let them sleep sweetheart, they are tired.’

  ‘But I’m hungry.’

  Harriet groaned and picked up her handbag, rifling around inside for something she could snack on. ‘Here.’ She handed over a cereal bar that she had shoved in there the other day when she was trying her hand at being a super-organised mum like Nancy. ‘Have this for now. Give Tommy a little bit too if he wants it.’ Isla skipped off back to where she was sitting with Tommy in his cot and continued her dramatic story which had now taken a twist and involved a fairy as well as a talking cow.

  After about twenty minutes of aimlessly messing around on social media on her phone, trying to keep her brain ticking over without letting it drop into the realms of guilt, pity and frustration with herself, she glanced up as Nancy walked into their room. ‘Morning,’ she said quietly.

  Harriet couldn’t judge the tone. ‘Morning,’ she replied. ‘Coffee?’

  Nancy nodded gratefully, barely lifting a smile. She looked exhausted, although this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Her face was gaunt and drawn and she had dark circles under each eye. Harriet’s stomach twisted in sadness for her. She wanted to take away the pain, make it all ok again. But she couldn’t.

  ‘Morning Nancy! I’m reading to Tommy!’ Isla’s voice was a welcome break in the tension. Light, bouncy and full of innocence. Harriet was so glad to hear her speak.

  ‘That’s kind of you,’ Nancy replied, forcing a smile and Harriet crashed back down to reality.

  ‘Does Jack want to listen to my story?’ Isla chirped.

  ‘Maybe in a little while, sweetie.’

  ‘How is he?’ Harriet asked as Nancy joined her at the bed. ‘Did you both manage to get some sleep?’ She tried to keep her face and tone positive, happy … not the worried, nervous mess she actually was. She stood and made the coffee, just for something to do.

  Nancy sat down on the end of the bed and exhaled. ‘Sort of. I didn’t really sleep, I just lay next to him, thinking. He slept though.’ She nodded and a tiny, forced smile played briefly on her lips.

  Harriet passed her the coffee and sat down on the chair next to the dresser which faced the end of the bed where Nancy was sat. She needed to say something. She couldn’t just ignore the elephant in the room, it had to be acknowledged. ‘Nance, I am so sorry. I—’

  Nancy held up her hand to stop Harriet talking. ‘Please, you don’t need to apologise. Really.’

  ‘Yes, I do! You left me in charge of your child and had to come home to all of that. I just don’t know how it happened.’ She genuinely didn’t. But did that make it any better? Or worse? She didn’t know. ‘Did he speak to you?’

  Nancy nodded. ‘After we got back and had laid in bed for a bit, he started talking to me. He said that he wanted to see me so came looking for me. But then got lost and scared so stayed inside the treehouse because it was less scary than walking around the hotel and it reminded him of his treehouse at home.’

  Harriet put her hand on her chest as it constricted with distress. Thoughts of him just walking out of the room plaguing her mind – how had he just left like that? It didn’t add up. ‘Oh bless him, poor thing. How the hell did he get past me? I would’ve seen him come into our room to leave. Your door was locked, wasn’t it?’

  Nancy nodded. ‘He came through when you were in the toilet apparently. I asked him why he didn’t just wait and talk to you, but he just kept saying he wanted to see me so he left. Just like that. I don’t think he realised the consequences of what he was doing. To him, he wanted to see me so he came looking for me.’ She shrugged as she exhaled.

  Harriet shook her head in disbelief and sipped her coffee. She thought her life was hard parenting her two children but Nancy was dealing with a whole new level of it. Underneath all the anguish, Harriet had grown a new sense of respect for her friend. ‘And how is he now? Is he awake?’

  Nancy nodded. ‘Yeah he doesn’t sleep much anyway and he likes to keep in routine so he’s been awake since about six. He will be knackered later but I can’t force him to sleep. I think we’ll just take it easy today and see what happens. To be honest, I don’t think I could function much more than just chilling today anyway.’ She gulped down more coffee.

  ‘Well that’s fine; we can just chill by the water or go to the beach?’ Harriet desperately wanted to make things better. She tried to keep her voice jolly and upbeat.

  Nancy shook her head. ‘If it’s OK, I might just stay in. I feel a bit anxious about taking him out of the room to be honest, so I might have a day with him in here, playing some games and relaxing.’

  ‘OK,’ Harriet replied. ‘We can stay with you.’

  Nancy shook her head. ‘Honestly, it’s fine. Don’t ruin the last day of the holiday because of it. We are fine on our own.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Hari, its fine. Your two will want to get out and we can’t expect them to stay in all day. Maybe we can meet up a bit later – I just don’t want to rush him, that’s all. He’s still a bit apprehensive this morning.’

  Harriet nodded. ‘I understand, no problem.’ She paused. ‘Have you spoken to Cameron this morning?’

  Nancy shook her head. ‘No, why?’

  ‘No reason, it’s just he was really concerned yesterday so thought he would’ve messaged you or something.’ She knew her friend inside out and knew already how this would affect her new friendship with Cameron.

  ‘It’s still pretty early though. Plus, he’s probably just thinking that maybe he should keep his distance. It was pretty full on last night. I think seeing Jack’s meltdown shocked him. Even though he’s probably seen similar things a thousand times with his cousin’s child, it’s different when it’s unexpected and with someone new.’ She exhaled. ‘I’m still not used to them – I don’t think I’ll ever be used to them.’

  ‘Well, everyone has dramas, don’t they?’ Harriet thought about the phone call with her mum last night and almost laughed to herself. That was nothing in comparison to what Nancy was going through but in her own little bubble, it was pretty horrific to listen to the way in which her mother had perceived the situation and proceeded to tell Harriet what a crap mother she was. She had managed to push it to the back of her mind for a bit but now it came screaming back into her conscious.

  ‘Anyway let’s talk about something else. I literally cannot keep going over and over last night – it is driving me insane. If I keep talking about it I am going to continue to pick apart my parenting skills bit by bit until there’s nothing left!’ She finished the coffee in her mug and placed the cup back onto the side, taking her hands and rubbing them over her face as she took a deep breath.

  ‘Oh, well, you want to feel a little bit better about your parenting?’ Harriet asked, still sipping her coffee and laughing. Nancy nodded. ‘Apparently I am selfish; I don’t care about my children and am a disgrace to my family.’

  Nancy’s mouth dropped open even wider with each point that Harriet made. ‘Oh my God, what?’

  ‘Yep,’ she nodded. ‘Selfish, a workaholic and a disappointment.’

  ‘Your mother.’ Nancy said, more of a statement than a question. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Well, I made the mistake of telling her about the whole nanny idea and she completely flipped out. Said I was palming my children off and then … told me she would look after them because they deserved to have some sort of settled life as I was creating so much upheaval!’

  ‘Oh, Hari, please tell me you’re not letting this get to you.’

  She shrugged and looked away.

  ‘Listen, you’re never going to please your mum. You know what she’s like – if there is some way of her pic
king something apart or criticizing, she will. That’s just her personality isn’t it? Be thankful you’re not like her!’

  ‘I guess. It’s just, well, she keeps saying how she and Bethany were able to do it and I can’t help but wonder why I can’t? What is it they have that I don’t?’ She started using her hands, adding animation to her story the more worked up she got. ‘I mean, put me in a boardroom and I’m fine. I can do that – but put me at home with these two and I just feel totally out of my depth.’

  ‘That’s just you, it’s how you work.’ Nancy paused. ‘And I guess maybe I need to remember that with Jack.’

  Harriet frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

  She shuffled on the bed. ‘Well, I spend so much time thinking about what life would be like if Jack wasn’t struggling with his autism and I guess I need to just appreciate that yes he is different but maybe that’s OK. If everyone was the same, life would be boring.’

  ‘Our lives are anything but boring, my love.’

  ‘Very true.’ Nancy stood up. ‘Right, you get yourself sorted and take those kids out and maybe later on you could bring us back some ice cream or something?’

  Harriet stood up and nodded. ‘Sounds like a plan.’ She moved forward and pulled Nancy into a hug. She wasn’t a hugging type of person but even she knew that this situation called for it. She had learnt some new things about herself on this break, maybe she should embrace the hugging thing women do too. ‘It’ll be alright, you know. He’s safe now – it’s just a hurdle to get over.’

  Nancy nodded and smiled. ‘I know, thanks Hari. And maybe you should listen to your own advice too, hey.’

  Harriet saluted and then tapped Nancy on the bum. ‘OK you, off you go – I need a shower.’

  Whilst she knew she should practise what she preached, it wasn’t as easy as that when your mother was continuously ripping apart every ounce of your self-esteem and flushing it down the toilet.

  Chapter 40

  ‘Hey, you OK?’

  Harriet glanced over her phone and was welcomed by Jayne’s beaming smile. ‘Hey,’ she replied, putting her phone down.

  ‘You’re not working, are you?’ Jayne said, teasing her, because she knew full well that she was working.

  ‘I am but it’s only a few emails. Tommy is in the kids’ club because they were doing music and he loves playing instruments,’ something she had learned about him whilst away, ‘and Isla is playing with her new little friend she has made in the kids’ pool just there.’ Harriet pointed her out to prove that she knew where she was and that she wasn’t neglecting her children in favour of work.

  Jayne sat down beside her. ‘I’m only messing, I wasn’t testing you on your parenting skills. Is everything OK?’

  She nodded. ‘Yeah, course. Why wouldn’t it be?’

  ‘Well, you just seem a bit edgy, that all.’

  ‘I’m fine, just dealing with the mother from hell, that’s all.’ As she said this, her phone began to ring and her sister’s name flashed up. Harriet immediately pressed the end call button and then looked at Jayne who was staring at her confused. ‘I can’t be dealing with her right now.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ This was the good thing about Jayne; she knew when to push for conversations and when to just leave them. And as much as Harriet liked talking to her, she wasn’t in the mood to go through all of her problems again. She was learning to let things go over her head but she wasn’t completely immune to it all yet.

  Harriet moved the focus from her. ‘All OK with you guys? Where are your little ones?’

  Jayne pointed over to the other side of the pool. ‘Richard’s over there with the two of them. We’ve only just come down but I saw you sitting here alone so I thought I’d come over and say hi. Where’s Nancy?’

  ‘She’s up in the room.’ She knew what was coming.

  Jayne looked concerned. ‘Everything OK?’

  Harriet checked around her to make sure no one was listening. ‘Jack went missing temporarily last night.’ Jayne gasped. ‘Yeah I know, I was looking after him whilst Nancy went for dinner and he wanted to see her but instead of coming to me, he just left.’ She was sure Nancy wouldn’t mind her telling Jayne. Harriet needed someone to talk to who wasn’t so involved in the situation. Nancy liked Jayne – she seemed like the obvious choice.

  ‘Oh my God, is he OK? Is she OK?’ She noticeably went a little paler, as any parent would on hearing this news.

  Harriet nodded. ‘Yeah they’re fine, just shaken up I think. But they wanted a day in the room, just to spend some time together, I think, it was quite an emotional night.’

  ‘I can imagine, oh poor Nancy. And how are you feeling?’

  ‘Well, you know, he was in my care so I feel awful, but Nancy isn’t mad at me so…’ She trailed off. Even though no one was mad at her for it, she still felt responsible for not anticipating that he might do that. ‘He left when I was in the toilet.’ Jayne smiled reassuringly as Harriet cancelled another call from Bethany that flashed up again. ‘I feel like my life is hard sometimes, but what Nancy has to deal with is on a completely different level. I just don’t know how she does it. And single-handed too. She puts me to shame.’ Harriet laughed even though there was truth in what she was saying.

  ‘You’re doing a great job too. No one is going to be happy and positive all the time – just make sure you surround yourself with the people who lift you up, not batter you down.’

  Harriet thought of her mother. ‘I can’t shut everyone out of my life though, can I? It’s not that simple.’

  Jayne had an amazing skill of reading between the lines so she clearly understood what Harriet meant. ‘You’re right; some people are harder to not listen to. But just remember that you do have people around you who are there for you so try and take everyone else with a pinch of salt.’ She stood up. ‘Hang on a minute.’ And she ran off back to where her husband was sitting.

  Harriet’s phone vibrated again – Bethany. Why did she keep calling her? She cancelled the call again. She probably just wanted to brag about how well she was doing without any help from anyone else. It was clear her mum had been on the phone to her sister, probably bad-mouthing how Harriet had spoken to her and about how she couldn’t look after her own kids.

  ‘Mummy, look. That girl gave me some cards.’ Harriet inspected the cards in Isla’s hands – they were snap cards with animals on. ‘Can we play?’

  Harriet smiled. ‘Of course we can, come and sit here.’ She tapped the end of the sun lounger and crossed her legs.

  ‘What do I need to do?’ Isla asked, holding the cards out.

  ‘OK, so we shuffle like this.’ Isla gasped at Harriet’s shuffling skills. ‘And then we have to share the cards out equally. One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…’

  ‘Can I do it? I want to do it? Let me do it?’ Isla practically pulled the cards out of Harriet’s hands and began sharing them out. ‘One for Mummy, one for Isla, one for Mummy, one for Isla … whoops!’ she dropped the pack on the floor.

  ‘Never mind, pick them up and carry on.’ Harriet smiled at her daughter. She could do this; she could make this new routine work when they got home. Because this was what she wanted, time like this to play and get to know the children without work screaming down her ear all the time. Jayne was right, she needed to channel out the bad and embrace the good.

  Jayne came back over with her phone. ‘Ooh, you’re playing cards! I love cards.’

  ‘You wanna play?’ Isla asked and before waiting for an answer, gathered up all the cards and tried to shuffle them, resulting in more dropped cards on the floor.

  ‘Oh sweetheart I can’t right now but maybe another time?’ Jayne’s face lit up with her smile and as she sat down again, her auburn hair fell over one shoulder and draped down into her lap. Isla nodded and set about picking up the cards.

  ‘I want to give you my number, Harriet. I would really like to stay in touch once we leave, maybe we could meet up sometime.’

&nb
sp; Harriet nodded. ‘Yeah, that would be nice.’ She recited her own number to Jayne and then took hers down too. ‘We must only be about an hour away from each other so we could quite easily do a day trip out or something. Nancy would like that too I reckon.’ Another change she wanted to implement – make new friends and enjoy being around other mums. Although she wasn’t sure the mums at the school were the right mums to be around. Maybe she would take lead from Nancy and Jayne for this one.

  ‘Sounds great. Well listen, we are off later today – I can’t believe it’s time to go home already, feels like just yesterday that we arrived.’

  ‘Yeah I know what you mean, we leave tomorrow. I’m dreading going back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to get back to work and make sure everything is still standing,’ she laughed. ‘But there will be some big changes put in place when we get back so it’s going to be … well … an experience.’

  Jayne put her hand on Harriet’s shoulder and gently squeezed it. ‘You’ll be fine. Just remember to keep talking to people – and you’ve got my number now so no excuses for bottling anything up.’

  Harriet smiled and nodded. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Mummy?’ Isla tugged on her arm and handed her the phone. ‘It’s Auntie Bethany – she wants to talk to you.’

  Harriet exhaled and looked at Jayne who laughed. ‘Kids hey?’

  ‘Enjoy!’ she replied and walked off giggling.

  ***

  Nancy heard a knock on the door and slowly got up from the bed so she didn’t wake Jack. He had finally crashed out about twenty minutes ago so she was hoping that would help him recover a bit from the anxiety of last night’s events. She reached the door and opened it to reveal Cameron’s face. He was smiling but Nancy could see the concern behind it. He hid it well but she had only too often seen people look at her like this.