Envy: An Eagle Elite Novella

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “Vic.” Nixon put his hand on my shoulder. “You’re not sleeping tonight. Make sure she’s safe, guard the room. If you hear anything—”

  “I know how to do my job… Besides, should you really question me when your second-in-command didn’t even know I was living with him this last year?”

  “That was a choice!” Chase called. “And you’re a bagel-stealing monster, I need those!”

  I grinned. I knew exactly what he needed them for.

  That was why I had found some with tiny holes.

  “And Vic.” Nixon lowered his voice. “This stops now. You can’t start anything with her that you can’t finish. Your life isn’t meant for…” He sounded sad. He knew the choice I’d made. “Your life will never be normal, you know the vow you took. I can’t let you out of it knowing that our family won’t be protected. You chose this, now I need you to follow through.”

  “You can count on me,” I said. I lied though. Because for the first time since before taking that oath two years ago—an oath of celibacy when I swore that I would be completely fixed on the families—I suddenly realized why Nixon and Tex had made me do it.

  They took away my addiction and gave me focus.

  Purpose.

  Women had always been a welcome distraction—and they needed me anything but distracted.

  I’d stopped partying, stopped traveling, stopped wasting my life with woman after woman… I’d sold my yacht.

  I’d sold everything.

  Including my soul to the families.

  And now, now, I hated that a part of me…wanted it back.

  Because of a girl who let me hold her when she was scared.

  And who let me kiss her tears away.

  Chapter Seven

  Renee

  “So, do you have everything you need?” Trace, Nixon’s wife, clapped her hands in front of her and offered me one of her polite yet guarded smiles. I imagined she spent a large amount of time trying to appear calm in the midst of the mafia storms.

  I did a small circle and shrugged. “Sure.”

  It was a lie.

  I needed more than a few pieces of clothes and the turtle my dad gave me when I was little.

  “You’re going to live here now,” he whispered in a hoarse voice. He had tears in his eyes as he pulled my mom close. “I’m going to be your new daddy.”

  I didn’t understand the words at the time. I wasn’t sure why I held onto that memory so tightly.

  “Safe.” My mom repeated the word like it was important. So I said it too. They both looked down at me and smiled.

  Tears filled my eyes.

  I needed my dad.

  I needed my mom.

  I needed my life back.

  I didn’t feel safe.

  And I needed the images of those men to stop re-appearing whenever I let my guard down.

  Instead, I forced a smile I didn’t feel like forcing and waited for her to leave. But she didn’t leave. It was like she took my smile as an invitation. Great. She sat on the bed and patted it like I was one of her kids.

  I sat. Mainly because I was tired of standing and if I kept thinking about all the blood I was about to pass out anyway.

  “Is Vic coming back?” I asked just as she parted her lips and then pressed them together like I’d done something wrong.

  “Yes.” She swallowed and stared down at her hands. “He’s coming back to guard your door.”

  I sighed in relief.

  “Renee, Vic isn’t…You’re here because…” She shook her head and tried again. “Vic is here to protect the families, to protect you, us, the kids. He’s the best we have, and he can’t lose focus.”

  “Then I promise not to seduce him in my sleep,” I said sarcastically. “Scout’s honor.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Really? Because I was under the impression that something happened between you two.”

  “Why would you be under any sort of impression when you don’t know what happened?”

  Trace opened her mouth then closed it. “Just…” She patted my leg. “Just… God, if I can’t even talk to you about this, how am I going to talk to my little girl?”

  “Ah.” It dawned on me in a painfully clear and amusing way. “Just don’t let him take my pants off? Is that where this is going?”

  She grinned. “I was going for more like ‘just be careful because he’s not who you think he is and could end up hurting you.’” Her smile fell. “And the opposite could happen too, where you hurt him and he can’t work for us anymore. He took an oath.”

  “What sort of oath?”

  “The binding sort.” She stood and wiped her hands on her jeans and then hung her head. “I’m sorry, Renee, I really am.”

  “For what? There are lots of things to be sorry for.”

  She grimaced. “Let’s just say I’m sorry for what happened and even more sorry for what’s to come.”

  My heart thundered in my chest. “What are you talking about?”

  “Get some rest.” She rubbed her hands together then walked over to the light and flipped the switch, blanketing me in darkness.

  I didn’t move.

  I sat on the bed, my feet touching the floor, my hands folded in my lap. My heart beat louder than my thoughts, my thoughts a jumbled mix of terror and fear.

  “Hey.” The sound of Vic’s gravelly voice made me jump. He pushed the door open a bit more, and light from the hallway spilled in. “Why don’t you get some sleep?”

  “Right.” I stared down at my shaking hands even though I could barely see them. No matter how hard I tried, they trembled. “I’ll just stop thinking about all the blood and the fact that I’m in a stranger’s house. That one parent is God knows where while the other’s in Vegas—don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they weren’t at the house, but still.”

  He sighed. “Sometimes you just want your parents—the people closest to you.”

  “Yeah.” For having the physique of a competitive body builder he sure moved fast. One minute he was in the doorway, the next he was on his knees in front of me.

  He pressed his massive hands over mine. They were warm to the touch, comforting. Slowly he raised his head and locked eyes on me. “Don’t force the fear away, Renee.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The best way to get over fear is to embrace it head on. Don’t try to push the thoughts away, let your mind replay them, let your soul feel them, deal with it now so you don’t deal with it later.”

  “Is that what you do?”

  He looked away. “Some of us have seen too much for it to work anymore.”

  “What do you do then?”

  He grimaced. “I replace it with a new memory—a fresh kill—and it takes care of the last one. Each memory replaces the last until everything’s just a blur.”

  “That wasn’t very encouraging,” I murmured, staring at his mouth.

  His lips twitched. “Yeah, I had good intentions coming in here. I took a wrong turn when I told you it didn’t work—I should have lied.”

  “No.” I gripped his hands in mine. “I’d rather have your truth.”

  He swallowed. I watched the movement with heavy eyes. Even his massive neck was pretty. He bowed his head a bit then inhaled, fast and deep, and stood. “Sleep.”

  “You’ll be watching?” I asked in a hopeful voice.

  “I’ll be watching.”

  “But not in a creepy way,” I added.

  His smile was faint, but it was there. “In the least creepy way I can muster.”

  “Thanks, Vic.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for doing my job.” He tilted his head and then closed the door behind him.

  I could see the shadow of his feet in the light from the hall. He was quite literally standing in front of the door like a prison guard.

  With a frown, I hurried and got ready for bed in the dark, then crawled under the covers.

  It was an immaculate room.

  The bed was soft.

/>   The sheets felt silky against my skin.

  But I wasn’t home.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and wondered if I’d ever be able to utter that word and mean it again.

  Chapter Eight

  Vic

  My eyes burned as I stared ahead at the wall. No distractions. No games on my phone. Just silence and the promise of sleep in the morning once there were more men present at the house. I hated that my thoughts were just as dangerous, as if I had a distraction.

  I let out a sigh. Only a few more hours.

  I yawned behind my hand.

  Checked to make sure my gun was loaded, and I was just putting it back into its holster when Renee screamed.

  I barged into the room, gun pointed, eyes searching for an intruder I could end when I realized the window was closed and she was still asleep.

  Shit. I quickly put the safety back on and walked over to the bed, where the beautiful, untouchable woman tossed and turned, whipping her hair left and right.

  It looked silky against the white pillow.

  “Renee,” I whispered.

  She moaned and then reached for my forearms, her nails digging in like I was enemy number one and she was going to end my life by scratching the skin off my body.

  “Renee.” I tried again, this time louder.

  When her eyes opened, she jerked away from my touch faster than a gunshot. I tried not to take it personally—that she viewed me as the same sort of monster, just a different cause, a different family. I was just like those men—except better at my job.

  “Sorry.” She pressed a hand to her forehead. “Sorry, I just… You were there, and the men made it into the room, but this time they pulled my ankles and I fell onto the ground, and you yelled at me…” Tears streamed down her face. She lifted a shaky hand to her cheeks. “I don’t know if I can go back to sleep.”

  I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. My body told me to run out of that room, to run from temptation. “You need rest.”

  “I know!” she snapped and then hung her head. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

  “You were shot at. Pretty sure everything’s called for,” I said softly. I lifted her chin with my fingertips. Her skin felt soft against the pads of my fingers, and she was warm to the touch.

  Breath stalled in my lungs as she stared at my mouth like she wanted to know if it was okay to touch me too.

  Run. I needed to run.

  I’d already blurred the line.

  Nothing good would come of this.

  And I’d sworn to the families.

  Sworn an oath in blood.

  My loyalty had never been tested in such a violent or ridiculous way. A kiss. One kiss had me questioning whether or not I wanted to break a bond worth killing me over.

  I had no doubt in my mind, if I crossed this line with her, if I continued to cross it, if I became emotionally involved…

  I would be punished.

  And I still didn’t move my hand.

  I still licked my lips and watched her mirror the action.

  “Sleep,” I finally croaked out. “If it helps, I’ll pull up a chair and sit in the room with you.” I’d burn in hell for it and probably get shit from the guys, but for her? Anything.

  “Yes.” She exhaled like she was relieved. “You know I used to be scared of you?”

  I smirked. “Noooo, had no clue.”

  “Are you…” She frowned, then scrunched up her nose. “Are you making fun of me?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “So you have a sense of humor, you just keep it on lockdown because you’d rather scare small children and pets?”

  I barked out a laugh. “First of all, the kids love me.”

  She grabbed a pillow and hugged it. “Fine, I’ll give you that.”

  “Second…” I pulled the chair to the side of her bed and sat. “I don’t have time to be a comedian. My job is important, my focus is—” I looked away, damn it. “—it’s just important that I have no distractions.”

  “That sounds fun,” she said dryly.

  “Life is fun for other people…I let them have the fun…my one sacrifice isn’t so large to make for the greater good of the families—so that those kids grow up with parents. My job is to make sure that it’s not just a fantasy but their reality.”

  I wasn’t sure but it looked like tears were welling in her eyes again. She quickly looked away and got under the heavy blankets and yawned.

  “Hey, Vic?”

  “Yeah.” I crossed my arms and tried to relax but it was getting increasingly harder to do so when she was in bed, talking to me, showing me images of what it would be like—if I was by her side.

  She’d be soft.

  Warm.

  She was a squirmer.

  I liked it.

  She hugged her pillows and spread her body out like she owned the entire mattress—she’d probably steal my covers. I’d wake up freezing my balls off—and I’d smile because I’d love every fucking minute of it.

  “What oath did you take?”

  I froze.

  She peered over at me, her face innocent, her question like a knife to the gut. Telling her would be the final nail in my coffin, wouldn’t it?

  Hell, I was already buried, might as well toss the dirt on and get it over with.

  With a sigh, I sat forward, pressing my forearms into my thighs. It was almost impossible to see the ink that decorated my arms though it was another reminder of the oath I had taken. I leaned in and showed her my right hand. My patron saint was inked out with blood and around his body the names of each family I’d sworn an oath to protect. “My saint is Joseph…” I licked my lips. “He protects against holy death, destruction, he enforces.” I pointed to the family names. “If a war breaks out, if we are attacked and God forbid someone cleanses a line, I would need to cut their name from the back of my hand. I swore fealty to the families, the way a priest swears his life to the church.”

  Her eyebrows drew together in a frown. “Wait…you mean hypothetically, right?”

  “Hypothetically.” I pulled my hand back so I wouldn’t have to say it that close to her, so I wouldn’t smell the perfume on her skin, or the way it mixed with the detergent used for the sheets. “No. I mean that literally. The mafia owns me. Body and soul.”

  “Is that legal?” she whispered.

  I cracked a smile. “I don’t really think us murderers care about legal.”

  “You’re not a murderer.”

  “Your lie isn’t necessary. I know what I am.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore. “I took an oath that will keep my focus on the most important thing.” I shrugged. “Keeping you safe. Keeping them alive. Keeping this dynasty running.”

  She was quiet. I thought maybe she’d gone to sleep, but she let out a loud sigh and then asked, “So you don’t have relationships.”

  “No.”

  “And you’re not allowed to.” Her eyes lowered briefly before she jerked her gaze away and hugged her pillow again.

  I barely suppressed a smile. “No.”

  “So you do what in your free time then?”

  “That’s an easy answer…” I leaned forward again, this time allowing myself the pain of near blinding arousal as I inhaled her scent. “I watch the nanny.”

  Chapter Nine

  Renee

  “Junior!” I scolded him as he crawled over to Serena and tried hitting her on the leg. Her lower lip quivered. I waited for the wail.

  She sucked in her tears, stared him down, and lifted her chin in the air.

  My eyebrows shot up. Good luck with that one, Nixon, if she looked that regal even as an eighteen-month-old? Well, I couldn’t imagine what she would be like when she was a teenager.

  I scooted a few blocks toward Junior and handed Serena her doll and then felt my entire body start to buzz with awareness.

  I pushed the feeling aside.

  I’d been edgy all day.

  Ever since last night.

&nb
sp; And my nightmares.

  And waking up to see Vic gone.

  I had completely panicked, shot straight out of bed, and run to the door, only to see someone else standing there.

  Of course I’d demanded to know where Vic was.

  The stranger had said he was taken off duty at six a.m. to get some sleep.

  It was one in the afternoon, and I still hadn’t seen or heard him.

  I rubbed my arms and smiled as Junior struggled to put more than three blocks on top of one another. He was easily frustrated but never gave up. He attacked things in a way that was scary smart, and if he didn’t figure it out, he’d stay there all day.

  I knew his behavior sometimes concerned Phoenix.

  What man wanted to pass on his own demons to his son?

  I hugged my knees and then I felt it—like someone was staring at me. With a gulp I turned to the right. Nothing. The left. Nothing. It was just us in the living room.

  “He’s getting big,” came Vic’s smooth voice.

  I jumped a foot and glared as he approached from the kitchen. “You scared me!”

  “Thought you knew I was here,” he rasped, his eyes locking on the goose bumps on my arms.

  “It’s cold.” I lied. I wasn’t cold. Was my body just responding to him without warning now?

  He must have doubted me—I was starting to notice his little quirks, the way his eyes spoke what his mouth refused to confess. His lips twitched when he was amused, and he pressed his lips down to keep from laughing, as if laughing was an unwanted distraction, just like other distractions not allowed by his oath.

  I wondered about his life in college and what could possibly take a man from someone who apparently slept with college professors and the rest of the campus, to someone who seemed almost afraid to smile and enjoy life. I wanted to reach up and run my hands over his short jet-black hair. I wanted to ask him if he’d ever grown it past his ears like Sergio. I wanted to find out if he found joy in anything other than taking lives and being scary good at it.

  He knelt down and helped Junior with the blocks. Junior sighed and then patted him on the leg as if to say thank you.