Wingmen Babypalooza

by Daisy Prescott

  I’d still rather spend the night in bed with her, but I follow behind her to get dressed.

  Chapter 9

  Against my better judgment about good life choices, we return to Langley for the holiday stroll.

  After parking, we meet up with John and Diane in her Pilates studio.

  “You’re late,” John says. His dark eyes take in my wet hair and I swear he knows exactly why we’re late.

  Ignoring him, I give Diane a half hug. Her baby beach ball is even bigger than Hailey’s.

  “Are you still teaching?” I ask her.

  John scowls, which makes me laugh. It probably makes me a bad friend to take joy from his discomfort, but I can’t help it. This is the role I play. I’m the court jester to his brooding prince.

  “I’ll take Mr. Grumpy’s face as a yes,” I say to Diane.

  “Doctor says it could help speed things up. My due date was two days ago and nothing’s happening down there yet. The baby’s dropped, but I’m barely dilated. If I don’t go into labor soon, they’ll induce next week.”

  From the birthing class I know all too much about what she means. I’m thinking Olaf’s right about keeping some things a mystery. Like mucus plugs, blood, and poop.

  While Hailey and Diane share details about their last doctors’ appointments, John and I stand in comfortable silence. Once again I’m reminded of the joy of being around my best friend, who never needs to fill a gap in conversation with words. I have a feeling quiet is going to be in short supply soon.

  “Ready?” Hailey asks us, snapping me out of my thoughts.

  “As ever,” I answer her. “Where’s Alene? Isn’t this whole night for the kiddies?”

  “She’s with my aunt. Doing the hand-off on the corner.” John helps Diane with her blanket wrap. Like Hailey, there’s no way she could button anything over the belly. Honestly, it’s impressive how big they’ve gotten. Like Violet Beauregard in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Only not blue. Or a couple of those middle-aged men with the giant guts and skinny legs. Only sexy. And less hairy. For the most part.

  Last week I shaved Hailey’s legs for her. I figured it would be the same as shaving my face, but it wasn’t. Like most things with women, it was more complicated. However, toilet paper is good for leg cuts, too. Another life lesson learned.

  Bodies are weird. Over the last few months, I know I’ve put on a few pounds. I run a hand down my own abs, thankful they’re still there. No dad bod for me yet. Sneaking a glance at John, I try to tell if he’s growing a man gut, but his thick red and black plaid jacket makes it hard to tell what’s him and what’s artificial padding.

  Dan’s older than us and doesn’t have a dad bod. This gives me hope that it’s not an automatic given.

  “What are you thinking about?” Hailey tucks her gloved hand in mine.

  “Dad bods.”

  “Is that why you’re eyeing your best friend like he’s smuggling something under his coat?” Her voice is quiet, and filled with amusement.

  “A lot of men gain weight with pregnancy.” I scratch the back of my head, embarrassed to admit I’m thinking about my own body while she’s the one growing a human.

  “You’re still hot.” She releases my hand and pinches my ass. I notice she doesn’t try to lie about my weight gain.

  “And you’re legally obligated to think so.” Recapturing her fingers, I entwine them with mine.

  “I know.” She arches up, silently asking me to lean over so she can give me a kiss.

  Instead of giving her my cheek, I turn at the last second and capture her lips. Halting our steps, I envelop her in my arms and deepen the kiss, slipping my tongue between her parted lips. She softly moans, wrapping her arms around my neck. The baby means I can’t crush her to me like I want, but we still manage to earn a “get a room” from some random on the other side of the street.

  “If you two end up in the police report again this year for public shenanigans, I’m disowning you.” John laughs at us.

  Giving Hailey one more quick, soft peck, I release her. Laughing, I ask, “Shenanigans?”

  “There are kids around.” John shrugs.

  “For the record, in case anyone was wondering, we didn’t actually consummate at the Inn last year. Imagine what a great story that’d be if we conceived that night?” Holding up my palm, I wait for a high five from my wife.

  Hailey groans and hides her face behind her red gloves.

  “Come on, I’m teasing.” I peel her fingers away, grinning when she opens her eyes again. “Love you.”

  She shakes her head. “I know.”

  A crowd of people block the sidewalk ahead of us, watching something in the street.

  “Oh, no. Is it the carolers?” My voice is full of dread.

  “I don’t hear any singing.” Hailey lifts up on her toes to see over the crowd.

  “Do I hear tambourines?” Diane asks.

  I listen more closely, tempted to shush the people in front of us. “Is it Santa?” I ask, forcing enthusiasm into the question. “Is he here?”

  “You sound like Will Farrell in Elf,” John says with less excitement.

  “Let’s not get carried away with the insults,” I tell him.

  “It’s Olaf!” Diane and Hailey exclaim simultaneously.

  “What’s he doing out here? Who’s watching the bar?” Curious, I force my way to the front of the group.

  I’m greeted with a sight so strange and amazing, my jaw drops in awe.

  Not one Olaf, not our favorite cranky bartender, but a group of Olafs. Grown-ups in snowman onesies stroll down the middle of the street, bumbling into each other and acting like idiots in an impromptu parade.

  “Is that Carter?” John points to the middle of the group where a tall blond guy does a little jig.

  “I think the other blond Olaf kissing the shorter Olaf is Erik, so that’s probably Cari.” Diane draws our attention to the couple kissing. I recognize Cari’s dark hair poking out from her hood.

  “Get a room. This is a family event,” I yell, and they jump apart, much to my amusement.

  “They’re definitely getting banned this year.” John’s composure breaks as he cracks up in a big belly laugh.

  The Olafs wave and toss candy to the kids in the crowd as they pass us.

  A flash of red hair catches my eye. Ashley Kingston and I have a long history. Not as long as she and Carter, though. Their happiness shines as bright as their new wedding bands in the holiday lights. Guess she’s a Kelso now. Our chapter is over, and I’m happy for them. We all deserve happiness.

  Spotting us, Erik comes bounding over, waving his fake stick arms and grinning like a fool. “Happy Holidays!”

  He executes a slow spin, showing off his onesie. “You like it?”

  “You better stay away from the Dog tonight,” John warns.

  “Eh, Olaf’s going to get a kick out of it. It’s in homage to him.” Erik even sounds like he believes his own bullshit.

  “We’re totally getting banned,” Cari says as she joins our little group. “YOLO and all that. Plus, these things are super cozy.”

  “I can’t believe how warm they are,” Ashley echoes her. “Hi, Tom. Hi, Hailey.”

  We all say hello. No reason not to be friendly. The island’s a small place with a long memory, but we don’t have to get stuck being the people we once were. Plus, it’s the holidays.

  “Feel how soft this is,” Cari encourages Hailey to pet her fuzzy arm.

  Great. The last thing I need is my wife dressing up as a snowman. Or a pregnant snow woman. We can leave the costumes for Halloween.

  “You already have your kangaroo onesie,” I remind her.

  “It doesn’t fit anymore. I can’t believe how big I got in the past six weeks.” Her hand rests on her belly.

  “You’re huge,” Erik blurts out. “Both of you.”

  “Smooth, bro. Real smooth,” Carter chides him.

  “Sorry. I swear you’ve gotten bigger since last tim
e I saw you,” Erik explains. Or tries to.

  “Yeah, that happens when you’re growing a baby. It’s the miracle of life,” John adds, sarcastically.

  He’s on fire tonight and I mentally high five him.

  “Or an alien parasite that will gnaw its way out of your abdomen.” Erik doesn’t know when to stop.

  Ashley groans. “Okay, Halloween’s over. No one needs the visual. I’m just getting over the stomach flu.”

  Everyone takes a step away from her.

  Now that I study her more closely, Ashley’s skin does have a slightly green cast to it. It’s a festive combination with her red hair.

  “Ha ha. I’m not contagious. If I were, Carter would be sick, too.”

  He gives her a sympathetic half-smile. “Still think you got a bad taco from that random truck in Seattle.”

  “It was worth it.” She pulls her hood off and fluffs her hair. Sweat dampens her hairline. “Jonah goes there all the time and he’s always been fine.”

  “I miss tacos,” Diane says with a resigned sigh. “Can’t do spicy food with this baby.”

  “Me too,” Hailey agrees. “The acid reflux ruins all my fun.”

  I think back to today’s snack and afternoon sex with a chuckle.

  “Okay, maybe not all my fun. Did I see the donut truck was going to be here?” She glances around the street. “Anyone else want some?”

  “None for me.” Ashley frowns and then sticks out her tongue. “I’m sticking with ginger ale and crackers tonight.”

  “Maybe you should go home,” Diane says, concerned.

  “I can rally. Worth it to see Olaf’s face.” Ashley gives us a thumb’s up.

  “Let’s do this.” Erik waves his brown stick arms over his head as he jogs away. His brother joins him while Cari and Ashley trail behind.

  “I’m not walking in with them,” John tells me. “They can sink their own ship, but I’m not going down with them.”

  “Aye aye, Captain, my Captain,” I tell him with a snappy salute. Apparently, I salute people all the time now.

  We slow our pace, letting the merry band of assholes get a substantial lead on us.

  “Ashley looks like she’s going to puke again,” Diane says what I’ve been thinking.

  “How long does food poisoning usually last?” I ask.

  “We need to avoid her. Not being a bitch. I mean if she’s potentially sick. No way can any of us get sick right now. I puked enough the first trimester.” Hailey’s eyes widen.

  Diane’s expression mirrors my wife. “She could be …”

  Both women turn to face the retreating Olafs, like they can tell if another woman is pregnant by looking at her. Maybe they can. Maybe there’s a special hormone or pheromone they can smell the rest of us can’t.

  “Guess we’ll find out eventually,” Hailey says after a moment of studying Ashley’s back.

  “Shall we? It’s cold and now that Hailey mentioned donuts, I’m hungry.” Diane rubs her rounded belly. “Baby Boy agrees.”

  Unlike us, the Days know they’re having a boy this time. I imagine a tiny lumberjack living in a tiny log cabin in the middle of her abdomen. Like one of those sugar eggs with an oval cut out of the side where you can peer in and see a miniature world.

  “Has a baby ever been born with a beard?” I ask no one in particular. “Because I have to be honest, I’m picturing a smaller version of John in there.”

  John casts me a dirty look, but Diane laughs.

  “Apparently you’re not the only one. All the baby gifts have been either plaid or wood themed,” she says, tucking her arm through his. “Including a tiny felted wool axe.”

  We stroll down the sidewalk with the two of them ahead of us.

  “I thought they weren’t doing a shower. Why weren’t we invited?” Yes, I’m hurt I wasn’t dragged to another baby shower. But this is John, my wingman for life.

  Hailey whispers back, “People still send gifts. Even without an official shower.”

  I pause my steps. “Hold on. We’re going to be getting more stuff? What else can we possibly need? We have enough blankets and quilts for the biggest fort ever.”

  She laughs. At me, not with me. “Our friends and family want to celebrate our baby. It’s a good thing.”

  Suddenly her laughter stops and her smile turns into a grimace. “Uff,” she groans.

  I press my hand over her belly. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Probably.” She doesn’t sound confident in her answer. “I think the baby just punched a kidney. Or dented a rib.”

  Rubbing circles over her bump, I lean closer. “Listen, little ninja, Mom’s going to get you a donut and then sit down for the rest of the night. Think you can hold off on the martial arts for a bit?”

  Standing up, I catch the amusement in her eyes. “What?”

  “You’re adorable.” She arches her neck, inviting me to kiss her.

  “Don’t tell anyone I’m sweet. I’ll never hear the end of it at work.” I give her a soft peck.

  “You’re lucky I can be easily bribed with donuts,” she says, smiling against my mouth.

  “And you’re lucky I’m happily bribed with sex. Win-win for everyone.” After another quick kiss, I take her hand in mine.

  “My husband is insatiable.”

  “When it comes to you? Always. I’ll shout it from the rooftops like Santa.” I point to the festive lights on the Dog House.

  “Not necessary.” She pulls our joined hands closer to her.

  “How about in the middle of First Street?” I ask as we cross the intersection.

  “You’re crazy.”

  “And yet you love me. I think that makes you crazy, too.” I kiss her again, middle of the street, not caring who sees us because I want the world to see what real love looks like.

  “We’re all mad here.” Her warm breath caresses my face when she laughs.

  “Wouldn’t have it any other way. Now let’s find you some donuts.” I spot the donut truck parked kitty-corner to the Dog House. White lights stretch from the roof to an umbrella stand, creating a cheerful landing strip to guide us to the truck.

  “Ooh.” Diane changes directions ahead of us, making a straight line for the truck. Too big to run, she and Hailey speed waddle to the front of the line.

  Chapter 10

  Two bags of mini donuts along with large cups of cocoa purchased and partially consumed, we stroll toward the bar. We pause near the small park because carolers in hideous holiday sweaters block the door.

  “Any sign of the Olafs?” Diane asks, biting into a cinnamon sugar covered donut.

  “Maybe they’re already inside?” Hailey’s mouth is full and her words come out in a jumble.

  The chorus is mid fa-la when they abruptly stop singing.

  “Uh oh,” Hailey whispers between bites.

  Carolers scatter as a mass of white tumbles out the Dog’s front door.

  “Enough! You’re all banned for the rest of the year,” Olaf shouts, not amused.

  “That’s only seventeen days,” Erik says, sounding disappointed.

  “Shut up. You want longer?” Carter grumbles and shoves his brother into the street.

  “I swear they want to get banned for life. Last year was the Rudolf onesie and then the grumpy old man costume for Halloween.” I’m both impressed and scared for them. Even I know when to draw the line.

  Once Olaf’s stormed back inside, we approach the Kelsos. Carter’s rolled down the top of his onesie and tied the arms around his waist. He’s got to be cold in only a white T-shirt.

  “You still look like a snowman,” John tells him. “Only now you’re half melted.”

  He makes a good point. “You shouldn’t antagonize Olaf. He has a heart condition. You want him to blow an artery over your antics?”

  I’m about to start yelling about staying off of Olaf’s lawn. John rests his hand on my shoulder. “I think you made your point. I don’t think anyone is trying to murder Olaf with laughter
.”

  “No one wants him dead,” Erik says, serious for the moment. “Dan’s taken over managing the business for him so Olaf can focus on being cranky.”

  “Where is Dan?” Hailey asks, and I don’t like the eagerness in her voice when she says his name. I’m well aware all the women on the island have a crush on him.

  “He’s in Seattle with Roslyn,” Erik replies. “Some fancy party. He was grumbling about wearing his tux.”

  “Batman,” Carter and I say at the same time.

  “Where’s Ashley?” Cari spins around. “Why didn’t she get kicked out with the rest of us?”

  “I think she’s in the bathroom,” Carter answers, his brows drawn together with worry. “She’s been in there a while.”

  Cari and Diane meet eyes. “Uh oh. We’ll go check on her.”

  Hailey joins them, leaving the guys standing on the sidewalk surrounded by confused carolers, the sippers, and the strollers.

  A woman with two pint-size mini humans approaches and asks if her daughters can get their picture taken with Carter and Erik.

  Even ridiculous, the two of them are magnets for selfies.

  Erik agrees, but asks the pics don’t end up online or social media. The mom looks confused, but agrees. She must not be from around here.

  After they get their pictures, the group wanders away singing about building snowmen.

  “You two should take it on the road,” I suggest.

  “We could dress up the goats. People love goats in pajamas and costumes.” Carter takes me seriously. The man is obsessed with goats.

  “We could have onesie day at the coffee house. I bet Jonah would be into it,” Erik muses out loud.

  “Where is the dark one?” I ask.

  “He said he had an event over in town tonight. I don’t think holiday festivities are his thing,” Erik explains.

  “Anyone know what his thing is?” John asks. “Just curious. He’s always kept to himself.”

  “He likes live music. Obsessed with good coffee. And tattoos. And his old VW Bus.” Carter lists random things like he’s reading off Jonah’s dating profile.