Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  I put my mask on and choked up the words.

  "Honey, it's ok. You just drank a little too much but we worked everything out remember? Look baby, I got to get to work and I still have to take the kids to school. You gonna be home for dinner?"

  "Fuck no, I aint gonna be here for dinner…am I ever?"

  "Ok, I just wanted to check, I might get us some pizza or something."

  Good, I didn't have to worry about him being home before me. I didn't want my kids here without me.

  "Well, your coffee is ready, I'm gonna finish cleaning up breakfast and take the kids to school. I'll see you later."

  I quickly walked back into the kitchen and Harlee was on me like butter on bread. I rubbed her back.

  "See, everything is ok, daddy just needed to talk to me." I looked up at JoJo and Luc and they were staring at me.

  "Ok, now ya'll put your dishes in the sink and get your stuff together, I gotta just go dry my hair and we will be on our way." As they passed, I told the twins to make sure they kept themselves and Harlee up in their rooms until I was done.

  * * *

  I drove the kids to school and gave Luc the money to order pizza and told them to rent Harlee a pay per view and kissed each one and told them I loved them and then went onto work.

  Just as I was about to enter the highway that took me to work my phone rang. Not being able to look at the caller ID I answered it like it was a business call.

  "Elle Barker-Jackson."

  "Hey Honey, just checking on ya."

  "Lils, oh sweetie, it's so good to hear your voice."

  Not wanting to bring Lilly or for that fact Rachel into this anymore than I already had I didn't say a thing about what had happened this morning.

  "You ok Elle?"

  "Yeah I'm fine, ah, just a little nervous about this afternoon."

  "Well just remember, we are with you in spirit and then we are meeting at Rachel's and to drink the spirits."

  "Oh my god Lils, that was bad."

  "I know, I was just trying to cheer you up."

  Laughing, I told her that I would talk with her tonight and tell her every last detail.

  I made it to the office and walked up to my desk, I had beat Loren there, which was good I didn't want to be bothered. I turned on my computer and waited for it to boot up. I went into the break room and made a pot of coffee, which I knew I would probably drink the whole thing before anyone else made it in. Coming back to my desk I noticed my welcome screen was up so I removed my jacket and put it on the back of my chair, sat down and pulled up my email. Three-hundred and fifty emails.

  "Fuck me! What the fuck did I miss" I whispered to myself.

  Not even opening up the main email page, I dug in my purse and grabbed my iPod, I knew I was going to be here for a while. I put my iPod next to me and put the earplugs in my ears and turned it on. The first song that hits my ears is George Strait "I Cross my Heart". Hearing the lyrics took me back to my place. This time we are dancing in a country bar. Saw dust all over the floor. I was wearing my cowgirl cut jeans and matching tan suede vest. Boobs were all perky just showing enough to know that they were there but they weren't going to make an appearance, best of all, what made my whole outfit; my tie up ropers that matched my cowgirl hat. Oh yeah, baby I was smoking hot!

  TJ was wearing a black and white quartered Cody's western shirt, just like the one Garth Brooks wore in his video; Black boots and black cowboy hat. He so wanted to get laid the night he wore that outfit His soft blonde curls that hung out the back of his hat made my mouth water.

  I'd had a couple of drinks before we left his house, so I was feeling pretty buzzed. I dragged him out on the dance floor to do some line dancing but as soon as we got out there the song changed.

  "Ah, that's more like it" TJ said as he pulled me to him.

  "Now, now…let's keep it clean."

  We began swaying back and forth; he started singing the song. I looked up in his eyes and heard every word. At the chorus he crossed his heart and held up his fingers like he was doing the scout's honor; which he never was. like he was promising. I giggled a little and shook my head. I brushed my fingers across his cheek then when he finished the chorus I leaned up and kissed him so fervently. His mouth was taking over mine, his tongue softly touching inside of my mouth as though he was dancing his fingers over the most sensitive skin on my body. He was revering me, showing me he meant every word he had just sung to me.

  We stopped kissing as soon as the song was over but we had just begun.

  "Let's get out of here" TJ lustfully commanded.

  "Ummmm, ok."

  I was just as needy and wanton as he was. I could never say no to him. That would be like a human saying no to food when he hasn't eaten in weeks. I could never get enough of him.

  We couldn't leave fast enough. We made it out to the parking lot where he started kissing me again. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. This time there was no gentleness. He ripped my vest open while walking to his truck. I was kissing his neck, his face, his mouth wherever I could taste him I was there. We made it to his truck and got in the back seat and he locked the doors.

  I immediately began undoing his belt. I had to have him in my mouth. I had to have his taste surround me. No words were spoken. I got his pants undone and pulled his erection out and instantly put him in my mouth. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed everything my senses were offering me.

  His scent, the smell of his body wash and cologne; the flavor of him, the taste of his masculinity and the hint of saltiness from his precum. The sounds of him moaning and whimpering because of the pleasure I was bringing to him. It was so overwhelming, I wanted to cry but I knew that my main priority was to fulfill my man's needs, so I licked up and down and ran my tongue around the tip of him.

  "That's it baby, tease me" he barely got the words out of his mouth as he tilted his hips towards my mouth.

  "Suck every drop of me into you. I want to mark every part of you."

  I hummed my enjoyment to him but that just got him thrusting deeper down my throat.

  "Fuck baby, I love you so much!" he encouraged, holding my hair back so he could watch me suck him into my mouth until I touched my nose to his pelvis.

  Grabbing ahold of his sac, I could feel him tightening up so I began to suck harder and faster, I could feel his stomach muscles tightening as well.

  "That's it baby, take all of me, oh god baby, don't ever stop loving me, I won't make it without you."

  Inside I'm vowing to him that I won't ever stop loving him. He's everything to me.

  "Oh fuck honey…I'm …."

  I felt the first gush of saltiness enter my mouth so I continued to suck long and slow until I squeezed every last drop out of him. I gently kissed the tip of him one last time and slid him back into his pants.

  I got up off my knees and straddled his lap and kissed him deeply. Wanting him to taste a part of him mixed with a part of me. That was my way of reassuring him I wasn't going anywhere. We would always be one.

  Hearing Hinder's "You Deserve Much Better Then Me" I decided that I had had enough going down memory lane for the moment. I turned the iPod off and took out the earplugs and picked up my coffee cup to take a sip, opened up my email and dropped my cup of coffee. They all had the same sender; Trevor McHale.

  WHAT THE FUCK!!

  I quickly stood up and wiped off the front of me. Luckily, there wasn't much left in it and it didn't seem to fall anywhere other than the notepad in front of me to make notes on.

  I threw the whole pad away and went to the kitchen to grab something to clean up the mess. Making it back to my desk, I cleaned up the mess and sat back down wondering why I had so many emails from Trevor McHale. I opened up the first one. The subject line: "The first of many firsts" Looking down slowly a picture was being downloaded.

  "Shut the fuck up!" I screamed. It was the picture from our first official date when we went to our sixth grade dance together.

  Are you kiddi
ng me? Is he trying to drive me insane? Or just get me fired…or even better; get me killed by my husband.

  I went to the next; Subject line: "Second, but was still first in my book" the picture from our second date, I went to a sports dinner with him where he received an award for football. I went through another one and another and then it became harder and harder to go through.

  I got to one the subject line was "Just as good as the first" I downloaded it and it was a picture at one of Lilly's parties and we were at her dining room table, probably playing a game of quarters and I leaned in and kissed his cheek and he was smiling from ear to ear.

  The pictures kept getting harder and harder to look but yet I was drawn to them. They somehow had brought me peace. I felt calm when I saw what was true happiness on my face, I knew that deep down in my heart I had loved someone so much that the ripples of that love still continued to affect me, I never wanted to lose that feeling. Every time I thought of him I got goose bumps, I immediately felt his arms encompass me and I felt safe. That a smile would touch my face and it was all because of him. Even though he wasn't standing there in front of me, Even though I knew he was not anywhere near me. Just the thought of him, the shear image of him pasted on the backs of my eyelids brought me that feeling of warmth. I didn't think about if he was thinking about me, I didn't really care. He was my security when I needed him most and that's all that mattered. This emotion that I felt for this delusion was the only concept that made me feel whole and unharmed.

  I scrolled through picture after picture, reliving my childhood and teenage years through pictures downloading through emails. The memories were bombarding my mind as though that event happened yesterday morning. I could recall every single picture, where it was taken, by whom the picture was taken and what time of the day it was taken. I memorized every single minute of my time with TJ and those minutes gave me the strength to go on each and every day.

  I finally made it to the last picture he sent to me and I opened it. Subject line: "The day I died." I downloaded the picture and I lost it. Tears began streaming down my face.

  It was one that his mom had taken, without us knowing, the day he left for college. I remembered it as though it happened five minutes ago. I was looking up in his eyes, his hand on my cheek, my left hand covered his and on my left ring finger was the gold ring he gave me; the ring I never took off until the day I married Bear. The promise that he made to me and I to him, an anchor. I could see it clear as day, I replayed the words he said over in my head the day he placed that ring upon my finger; "I promise to be anchored to you forever and always". In the picture it was me telling him that I was anchored to him now and forever.

  I couldn't take anymore. I ran to the bathroom and went into the stall, tore off some toilet paper and silently cried. I cried for all the years I lost with TJ. I cried for all I had been putting my kids through with that fucking piece of shit I was married to. I cried about not being able to kill him without going to jail. I cried about going in a few hours to see the man who I still loved with every fiber of my being, the real father of my children, but yet I couldn't do shit about it and I cried for anything else I left out but still found a reason to cry for and I did it until I heard people scrounging around the kitchen which was next door.

  I went out of the stall and looked at myself in the mirror; I looked like shit, so I splashed water on my face and went to my desk to get my purse. Loren was in by this time and I told him I would be right with him. I went in the bathroom and fixed myself, put a smile on my face and got ready for the day…again.

  Coming back to my desk I noticed that my screensaver had reappeared, Thank God I forgot to shut down my email, I was hoping Loren didn't catch any of what was on it. I went to the door of his office and peeked in.

  "You busy?"

  "Ah, Elle…everything ok? I saw that you were here, how are you feeling?"

  Picking my head up, I answered with fake enthusiasm, "Better than I did yesterday, Yikes, that flu almost wiped me out."

  "Oh… yeah… I bet." He hesitated for a minute. "Listen, I don't want to get up in your personal life-"

  "Then don't Loren…I'm serious, this is my job, I love it just about as much as I love my kids, I'd make it my home if I could. Don't make me resent you for taking that away from me."

  Looking at me like he had pain in his eyes, he smiled a small faint smile and quietly agreed. He knew that I wouldn't survive without this. I needed this to keep me sane and feeling somewhat in control of my life.

  I couldn't deal with anymore drama.

  I went back to my desk and started working on the presentation for the meeting tomorrow morning when my phone began ringing.

  "Loren Stevens' office, This is Elleny…"

  There was silence.

  "Ummm, hello? This is Elleny."

  "Ms. Barker-Jackson."

  Oh fuckin'A.

  I knew that voice, I'd know it anywhere. It was deep and gravely rough like he smoked cigarettes but he never smoked a day in his life. No matter how hard he tried I could still hear the Georgian accent coming through on some of his words. I could be seventeen years or a hundred and seventeen years. I had heard that voice nearly every single day of my life for eighteen years.

  "Mr. McHale. So nice of you to call, is there something I can help you with?"

  "Should I answer that question truthfully, Ellie-bean?"

  Shit, I set myself up for that one…damn Elleny, get on the ball here…no wait, not ball…Ahhhhhh!

  Ignoring the metaphoric punch I just felt in my stomach hearing that name come out of his mouth again I straightened my back and asserted "Mr. McHale, I don't mean to be rude sir, but I am a very busy woman so, can I ask what this phone call is regarding?"

  YES!!! Good one Elle…way to stay on point.

  Hearing his cunning laughter I knew he knew I was changing my body language, raring up for a fight.

  "Yes, Ms. Barker-Jackson, would you like to know where you will be accompanying me for lunch today, here in about…oh…an hour or so?"

  Shit, looking at the clock I noticed it was 11:24. Goddammit, he was getting to me and he knew it. Taking a calming breath I closed my eyes and imagined peace.

  "I would appreciate that very much."

  Hearing the laugh in his words, I knew I had done it again.

  "Maybe I could find a way for you to show your appreciation Ms. Barker-Jackson."

  Every time I heard that name come out of his mouth I wanted to scream. I couldn't stand an everyday Joe Smith say it so it made me livid hearing it come out of his mouth and he continued to say it over and over again.

  "Mr. McHale, you can call me Elle, as a matter of fact I insist you call me Elle."

  "Ah, but we are professionals here, Ms. Barker-Jackson and I insist we keep it that way."

  "Very well" I grunted through a clenched smile.

  "Waldorf Astoria, Atlanta, do you need directions Ms. Barker-Jackson?"

  "No Mr. McHale, I think I can find my way. I look forward to our meeting at 12:30 then."

  "Oh… not much as I do, Ms. Barker-Jackson."

  "Click" I heard as he hung up…no goodbye, no see ya! Just click in my ear and what the fuck is up with the "not as much as I do" statement. "Holy shit" I mutter to myself, what if he plans on killing me over what happened between him and Bear. Maybe this is my come-up-pins and he's ready to collect.

  I begin to imagine what I look like sitting here carrying on a conversation with myself. I have got to stop this shit. The next time I have someone come up to my desk it's going to be the mental ward nurse with a straight jacket singing the "They're coming to take me away" song.

  I sat there for just a second with my eyes closed trying to reign in my composure. I rearranged my desk so that it looked mildly decent. I turned off my computer and walked to Loren's office informed him I was leaving and I sauntered down to the elevators for this meeting that was either going to break me or make me stronger, stronger then I had ever been in m
y entire life.

  I reached the hotel a little after noon. No one could predict how traffic in downtown Atlanta was going to be so you always left a little early hoping to arrive early as well, as I had done.

  Since I had time I called Dr. Peterson's office to make an appointment to come in and have an STD test done. I knew the front office manager, April so I called and spoke with her I knew it would be confidential and not leaking down to Dixie's Café by the breakfast rush that I was coming in for an STD test.

  I pulled the mirror down and looked at my face. The last time I was face to face with this man was when I was hovered over his body lying in the street, sobbing over him, my arms wrapped around his neck holding on for dear life. Pleading with him to just leave me alone but yet having to be wrenched away from him by two other people. Oh Jesus, I can't do this. I can't sit with this man. I'm going to lose it. I'm literally going to lose my mind right in front of this man and then what will I do…"nothing, you'll get back in your car and go back to your children like none of this ever happened. Now pull yourself together Elle and get the fuck in there."

  I grabbed my gloss and swiped once over my lips. I checked my hair and got out of my car. Clicking the button to lock the doors I reached in my purse and dropped my keys but also grabbed a small bottle of perfume, sprayed it in the air and walked through it. Walking up to the hotel I kept my head high and my thoughts blank. The sacred words of "He will not get to me" repeated over and over in my mind. I walked into the restaurant and it was full of activity. Waiters dashing around in black pants, tuxedo shirts and bow ties with large trays up above their heads, delivering food, taking away food. Waitresses wearing the same as the waiters but with black skirts were rushing around to deliver drinks, take customer orders and get the orders back to the kitchen, it was a madhouse, but the place was extravagant. All around me seemed like there were executives wearing suits and ties and…

  "Excuse me Madam…May I help you?" Hearing a very strong Spanish burr brought me out of my thoughts.