by Tracy Lee
He smiled with that "I won that battle" smile.
"postpone away."
I sent a text to Rachel.
"Rach still w/dicklord
wont let me leave rain ck on shop'n?"
I immediately received a text back;
"Ur gona fuk him r'nt u?
Sure, scream my name bitch <3 u"
She was so dead tonight! I couldn't deal with two of them right now so I pushed her off until later.
"Could I get another coffee please, since it seems I'm going to be here a little longer?"
"Of course."
He hit the button again and again Rosanna appeared like she materialized out of thin air.
"Rosanna, can we get 2 more dessert coffees please, hold the ice cream, thanks."
As she left I thought I should have asked for a double shot of Kahlua in mine.
"So…" he said as she left the room, I just repeated what he said. This was going to be a fun conversation.
"Look, I'm sorry Elle if I seemed demanding. I just want to spend some time with you, I haven't seen you in eighteen years and I just want to catch up."
Hearing the sincerity in his voice I relaxed a little. I didn't want to talk about my life and when he told me about his all I could do was have personal mini orgasms imagining him all over my body, so I felt it was good to talk about Lilly and Rachel.
"You weren't being demanding" I assured him with a smile on my face. "It was more like bullying" I revealed as I laughed.
He laughed a bold hearty laugh at that and it was indescribable the way that laugh made me feel. With hearing the emphatic gruff that originated from the bottom of his belly and escalated to the joy that I was hearing it made me feel intact and complete again. My laugh died down to a smile but my eyes didn't leave his face. He looked like he became alive when he laughed like that.
Rosanna returned with our coffees and we thanked her and I went to take a sip of my coffee.
"So, tell me about the ink."
I looked on the floor and grabbed my purse and pulled out my pen, I laid it in front of him. He looked at the pen and then looked back at me. I looked at him and looked back at the pen.
"What the hell is that?"
"Ummmm, a pen" Duh, he asked for a pen, maybe he has had one too many dessert coffees.
"Duh, you asked for a pen."
did I really just say that??
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did; you said, where's the ink pen?"
He chuckled "No I didn't. I asked you to tell me about the ink."
Still not understanding, I looked at him like he had lost his mind
"What the fuck are you-"
It hit me like I had run into a sliding glass door. As if this day couldn't have gotten any worse.
I immediately ripped the ponytail out of my hair and threw it in my purse. I had had enough.
"I have to go."
I instantly stood up and threw my phone in my purse and ran for the door. I didn't give a fuck about papers, contracts, tips, nothing. I just knew I had to get out of there.
TJ was running after me apologizing and attempting to get me to stop. I didn't, I kept running. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid as to put my hair up for him to see it.
It being a tattoo, a tattoo that was my contrition, my penance to look at every day and remind myself that I had that one regret that I'd never get over until the day that I died. No one knew about it, not my best friends, not my kids, not even my husband. This was mine and mine alone.
I got to my car and beeped my locks, got in, locked the doors, started the car and drove away from the hotel.
Crying my eyes out.
Chapter Nine
September 1992
Coming back from Tennessee was enjoyable, we ended up taking our time. We woke up early and stopped by an all you can eat buffet, I thought I was in heaven until I actually ate and could only finish half my plate, so I didn't take a chance and go back up for seconds. After breakfast we took the back roads and drove until we stopped to see a scenic waterfall.
The sight was breathtaking. A beautiful massive waterway of water rushed passed by us more rapidly than we could see. As it got closer to its destination the stream turned to the sound of the waves thrashing against each other increased until we could barely hear each other talking as the stream turned into a channel of nothing but white-capped rapids before reaching its destination. It overflowed down the side of the mountain in a roaring thunder, at the bottom, peace silenced the streams as it made its way to a crystal blue lagoon that just begged to be jumped into. There on the side of the mountain, Bear grabbed my hand so I turned my body towards him. "I'm not good at the sweet shit, Ellie but since I didn't get ya a weddin ring, I thought this'll do." He had a ring, a silver ring in his hand. He had gone back to that little shop that we stopped in front of the night before and bought me that ring I had looked at from the window. It was so beautiful, I was speechless. "Bear, it's absolutely gorgeous. Thank you, and you did do good at the sweet shit." I gave him a little laugh and leaned in with a chaste kiss.
We ended up stopping by the side of the road to view a mountainous outlook which made me understand what the saying "God's Country" really signified. It seemed as though I could see the end of the world. Looking out between the mountain ranges was nothing but clear blue sky that seemed to just drop off. Gradually details became so small they were nonexistent. Trees just became small blades of grass and towns became nothing but dots on a map. Looking down below us in the valley seemed as though I could see every detail of the town.
I kind of regarded myself as a voyeur, people were going on about their busy day walking around town, passing and meeting up with their friends, greeting them hello and goodbye, going to the post office and stopping into shops and there I was watching it all laid out before me and they had no clue I was even there watching them. Life just continued on for them. It was so surreal.
While in the car we talked and we laughed. Bear had a great personality. He could make me laugh at the drop of a hat, always could. Both Bubba and Bear were not easy to get to know, they weren't the type to give a stranger the shirts off their backs if you know what I mean, but if you knew them and they thought you were good people they would be the first ones there if you were in need of something. Plus his accent always made everything he would say sound so funny even when he didn't mean it to be funny.
We ended up stopping at an outlet mall just to look around. I even stopped in a baby store and looked at all the outfits and thought of my baby. What would it look like would it have hair when it came out, what was it going to feel like when it came out, was I going to use drugs…that was easy, fuck yeah I was using drugs I did have common sense.
Then my mind wandered to TJ. I began to feel like my heart was being held down by tons of weight. I felt guilty that I was keeping from him a secret that was not mine to keep. I knew he deserved a right to know about the baby but I knew for a fact that he would not make the best decision for himself and for his child. This baby had a momma and a daddy now and I was fine with that and TJ had his life to live and live it his way, no regretful decisions. I had to keep telling myself that. I made the decision and he never had to live with turning his back on us.
We got back in the car both of us quiet, we couldn't have been more than two hours away from home so I ended up falling asleep. Bear gently shook me when we entered my dad's subdivision. "Ellie, we're here" I slowly opened my eyes and stretched as best I could still being cramped in the front seat of my car. It was dusk out. The day had flown by I don't even think we looked at a watch all day to notice the time. When we turned into the long driveway of my childhood home, my heart froze. Because there was TJ's truck in the driveway.
"Uh oh."
Immediately Bear instructed for me to wait in the car when he put the car in park and not to open that door, he would open it.
Snickering because I thought he was being ridiculous I rolled my eyes "Bear he's no
t gonna hurt me, I think I owe him at least a chat. I'll tell him to go home and don't come back."
This time he spoke his voice was demanding "Didn't ask you that, asked you if you understood what I said."
"Sweetie, you're making a big deal outta nothing."
He repeated what he said one more time.
I agreed and looked anxiously around as we pulled up beside his truck hoping maybe he was just about to leave, no such luck. I didn't see him around. Bear quickly came around observing what was happening around us, which was nothing and opened my door. We both began to relax as we made our way up to the front door when both front doors flew open.
"What the fuck, Elle!" TJ yelled as he walked quickly out. Daddy and Mona rushing after him.
"What the fuck is this…I have been calling you for days now. Your phone was going straight to voicemail and I've left you hundreds of messages"
Oh shit, it was the letter I wrote him. At this point he was close enough for me to see him…really see him. He looked like death, he appeared thinner than he was and his color was off, he looked really pale. His eyes were red rimmed like he had been crying…for days.
Oh, this is not good.
"TJ…I ah…I turned my… p… p… phone… off". It seemed like it had taken me twenty minutes to get that statement out but I was in shock at the way he looked, I just wanted to go up to him and touch his face. I wanted to make him better.
Tearing me from my thoughts Bear grabbed my hand and squeezed but I couldn't take my eyes off TJ. He was in so much pain and it killed me to see him this way. I was just about to tell Bear never mind that I couldn't go through with this when I heard his stern voice.
"Elleny, go in the house. Don't say a word to him, just walk right past him."
Attempting to calm this situation before it got totally out of hand I turned and smiled nervously at Bear "I truly don't think that's necessary."
Bear squeezed my hand again, this time I winced and mouthed "Ouch" and then he yelled "GO!!"
TJ stopped walking towards me as I began walking towards him, my eyes never leaving his which at this time were huge and it seemed like his eyebrows touched his hairline, he seemed confused. I walked beside TJ and didn't say a word, but he did;
"Babe?"
I heard Bear shout "Don't talk to my wife!"
TJ froze where he was, as did I.
I closed my eyes and bowed my head at the announcement Bear decided to make public right now at this very moment.
My plan to diffuse this whole cluster-fuck was to get Bear in the house and I would speak with TJ about this. I wanted to tell him to go back to school don't come back here and go on with his life….in my own words, on my terms. "Bear-"
I heard TJ cackle; "You're fucking joking right!"
Uh oh, this was not the way I had this planned out. He wasn't supposed to ask questions, I was supposed to be doing all the talking and he was supposed to do exactly as I said and that was the end and we both would go on our own merry way. I couldn't take hearing the sorrow and dejection in his voice anymore. It was killing me so I gently breathed what I could get out of what my mind had taken ten minutes to plan.
"Go home Trevor."
"You married him?" Turning his head back and forth between me and Bear as if watching a tennis match, his hand matching the rhythm of his head. "What the fuck am I missing here because I'm so lost I don't know which way to turn."
Louder Bear demanded; "You heard her TJ, Go home!!"
TJ started walking towards Bear, he drew his eyebrows in and silently reminded Bear of something I'm sure he didn't forget "You…you were my best friend…my brother and you'd do this to me?"
"Dude, you aint the big bad football star anymore, are you?" Holding his hands out the span of his body Bear began a dialogue that had my mouth dropped to the ground. A speech he must've had planned for a very, very long time. Either that or he had some hostile emotions bottled up towards TJ and he was letting them all out at once. "You lost this one, my brutha" he repeated TJ's words in a cynical snarl that brought goose bumps to my skin. "How does it feel to be the fucking loser, Mister my-shit-don't-stink! You just thought you had it all but in the long run, I ended up having everything…YOUR everything! In high school you always had the attitude that you'd never be the one that heartbreak and misery would touch. Well how's that workin out for ya there, buddy…I hope you fucking choke on it!"
I turned to Bear and looked at him…I couldn't say anything, nothing would come out, he saw that I was trying to get words out of my mouth but he looked at me and yelled again at me "Ellie, I told you to get the fuck in the house!"
I couldn't take anymore I broke down. This man that was being broken down and humiliated right in front of me was the man that I fell in love with in second grade, I was pregnant with his child, everything I was doing was because I loved him whole heart and soul. So why did this feel like someone was literally taking a knife and stabbing me in the heart repeatedly? The pain that I was feeling would haunt me the rest of my days, I would never in my life forget the way his face looked right now at this very moment; the look was pure suffering and agony. He looked like a fish out of water, gasping for air that he would never breathe in because Bear and I had sucked every last drop of air from him.
I told myself that I was doing this because I loved him but all I had done was break his heart and that was apparent right here in my front yard. Jesus, this was torture, not only on me but on him. His body language was literally begging me with every part of him and I couldn't say yes because he would fuck up his life.
Why couldn't he understand this! I was beginning to get pissed off. I felt that I was furious at him for not being able to understand I was doing this for his own good, but then when I thought about it, I could only be infuriated at myself because he didn't know that I was pregnant.
He saw the tears streaming down my face for the pain I had caused him and yet he came towards me to wrap me up in his arms and I wanted him to. I wanted to be engulfed in all that was Trevor. His smell, the feel of his skin on my skin the taste of his sweat and tears on my lips. I had resigned myself. I was done with this, we would find a way to work it out; the baby, his schooling. My schedule, we could work it out. I began walking towards him holding my arms out to him when everything happened.
I heard Bear's shouting getting louder and louder by the second that's because he was charging TJ.
"Don't you fucking touch her, Cocksucker!"
Bear tackled TJ. It all happened so fast it was like a blur then a dream when I saw one of Bear's fist hit him square in the jaw. TJ did nothing, didn't bring his hands up to protect himself and didn't throw a punch back, he did nothing.
I'm started screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs. Daddy and Mona came dashing towards me.
"Get her in the house!" Bear, who was now sitting on TJ's chest yelled as he was continually striking TJ in the face.
Wriggling and straining to get out of their grasps I was screaming at them "No! Get your hands off of me! Let me go! I have to help him!"
Daddy was demanding that I hurry inside so he could go get Bear off of TJ.
All I could hear was TJ screaming at Bear as he laid there, beneath Bear taking every punch to the face, bleeding from his mouth, nose and the corner of his right eye.
"Go ahead, finish me off! Fucking kill me, Bear, I aint got nothing to live for now. Come on, do it you Asshole; finish this! You've taken the only thing in life that matters to me, I'm fucking nothing!"
I was screaming, pleading to Bear for him to stop. I finally broke away from Mona and daddy and ran over to where Bear was straddling TJ on the ground and was pounding away on his face. I found strength that I didn't know I had and used it to push Bear off of him.
I fell to the gravel driveway, scraping my knees all to hell and cradled him in my arms as tight as I could, his face was against my shoulder. I cried hysterically while I cradled him. He was breathing but was unconscious. I brought his head up from
my shirt to look at him and I wiped his face, trying to get the blood off but as soon as I wiped it there would be more gushing out. I was covered in his blood.
I heard Bear mumbling something about the stupid mother fucker deserved everything he fucking got, then I heard him kick the gravel, he muttered "fuck this!" and left to go into the house.
Daddy and Mona made their way over to me and pleaded for me to let go so that they could get him some help but my grip on him wouldn't falter. I couldn't let go of him. I wiped his face with my hands, blood was dripping all down me I'm not saying anything other than repeating over and over "I can't do this, don't make me do this. I've changed my mind. I can't do this, don't make me do this."
My dad and Mona are attempting to pull me away from TJ but my arms are locked around his neck and he's still unconscious. I'm not letting go of him. As they're pulling I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. "I'm sorry Trevor…I'm so sorry baby. I don't deserve you, you're too good for me. You deserve so much more than me don't come back here, just go home" I can't take my eyes off him. If I let him go I won't have a heart anymore. I won't be able to live. I won't live, I will only be a shell, a hollow nothing.
Finally, they both worked together and unlocked my hands. Mona dragged me in the house while my dad took TJ in his car and drove him to his office to check him out. This is the first time since I had Mona that I've seen her look like she actually cared about something or someone. She helped me walk to the couch as she sat down with my head in her lap.
She sat there brushing the hair out of my face. I was in shock. I wasn't talking, not screaming, all my tears had dried up and I was just staring… Staring at nothing. I was barely breathing and if could have stopped that I would have. I was not a person anymore. I didn't have feelings anymore, they had totally dissipated into nothing. My heart had totally shattered into millions of miniscule pieces that just blew away like dust particles in the wind. There was nothing left. I didn't want to go on. I had nothing left. I didn't care about me, I didn't care about Bear, my parents…this baby…nothing.
