Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  I wept for the way Bear had treated me and my babies the day before. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die or even worse, my babies; the only piece of TJ I had left was going to be ripped away from me permanently, just as he was. I cried because he was here in my arms. My ribs were throbbing, the babies were going a mile a minute, pushing against my skin that had grown tight with every month they had become more developed, but I didn't want to leave the position I was in. I was completely content with him here in my arms . My heart had found its normal rhythm again.

  "Ellie-bean, don't cry, I'm here with you, always", He pointed to my chest. "I'm right here, anchored to you, babe." I put my head back in his neck and just kept telling him that I loved him so much.

  I opened my eyes and realized I was still in my bed, the room was dark and there was no one standing beside me; I was dreaming. I turned over onto my side and continued to cry my eyes out. I couldn't go back to sleep, I got up and went into the front room and turned on the Christmas tree and sat down on the floor in front of it, just staring. I cried so much I eventually stopped producing tears. I wasn't weeping anymore; my heart was.

  Christmas morning came and went. I opened all the presents that were addressed to me. Daddy opened all of his and Mona opened all of hers. I left the babies and Bears under the tree. It was difficult not to think about Bear, where he was, who he was with, what he was doing because this was our first holiday together as a family and he wasn't here to not only help me open up the stuff that was for the babies but the stuff that I had bought for him. It just really made me disappointed.

  Smelling all the wonderful smells in the house when we cooked and reheated what Clara had already made and froze made my stomach growl. I was eating for three and I was starvin' like marvin. It always seemed to suck that it took all day to cook and less than twenty minutes, if that, to eat until you were full.

  Clara had made us a wonderful banquet of delectable side items, her sweet potatoes were food from the gods. They were covered in marshmallows and under that layer was a packed a layer of cinnamon roasted pecans. The mashed ‘tators were mixed in with mashed rutabagas and were amazing, green bean casserole, well as you know that is always a favorite. Fresh creamed corn that was so sweet it could've been poured over ice cream and served as a dessert.

  Then there was the turkey. I had thrown it in the oven earlier this morning since I was up and Mona continually basted it throughout the day, it was so moist you could've bet money it was fried outside on the main driveway. That wasn't even the desserts. We had apple, peach, cherry and blackberry pie. Devil's food cake and chocolate chip cookies and brownies that consisted of German chocolate and peanut butter to smores brownies.

  Lilly, Curtis, Rachel and Kevin had stopped by around four when we were just getting ready to sit down and eat so they joined us for a traditional southern picnic. They got a little of everything and just picked while we ate a mound of food. We sat around the table talking about college and everything they were experiencing.

  Kevin had moved into Rachel's apartment and they were blissfully happy. This was the first man that I had seen with Rachel who didn't put up with her shit. He stood his ground and she needed that. We laughed at how big I had become and I would lift up my shirt so they could see my stomach move around like on some Sci-Fi horror movie. They put their hands on me and felt the babies move, they talked and kissed them and then Mona served the pie. This to me is what family is about. Speaking of family, I hadn't heard from Bear at all and we were alright with that. I didn't bring it up today because this was about us…us sisters. I missed them just about as badly as I did TJ.

  We ended up looking at the clock and seeing that it was nearly eleven and they all had to go. Mona and daddy said their goodbyes in the house and I walked them out to their cars. Curt and Kevin gave me a swift hugs goodbye and got in to warm the engines up.

  Being all bundled up, the three of us girls attempted a hug that seemed to be all coats but I told them I loved and kissed them goodbye since they were leaving to head back to school. I watched them drive off until they went out of sight. I walked back up the walk way to the house and that eerie feeling washed over me again. I stopped where I was and turned around. I didn't see anyone. I waited there for a moment to see if skank girl was brave enough to step out of the shadows and come rush me. Nothing happened. I walked back inside, shut the door and secured the lock.

  Lying in bed, I began to think about all that had happened this year. I had married a man who obviously thought the worst of me. TJ had done exactly what I asked him to do and left me alone, and I weighed as much as a baby whale. Yep, I thought to myself, I think I will pass on a happy New Years.

  "Wakey, Wakey!" There was that soft voice again; I prayed to hear it. I opened my eyes and there he stood in the same place hovering over me. I felt his hands on my stomach. I pulled my arms up so that I could cover his hands with mine.

  "TJ" I whispered.

  "I am so proud of you Ellie-bean. I love you so much, babe. Do you realize that there will be nothing greater under heaven than what we have made together right here underneath our joined hands? Our babies were conceived out of a love no other two people on this earth will understand or even be blessed enough to attain ever in their lifetime. The devotion that we provide to each other is life-sustaining, my love. So know, even though I won't be there with you physically, I'm with you spiritually because you hold the most vital piece of me right here within you."

  When I heard him say those words I knew that I would make it through this. I had too. This was crucial to the both of us. We were keeping each other alive, even though we weren't together. With that, I pulled his hand up to my lips and kissed it ever so softly. He was hot but that heat was what drew me to him.

  "TJ baby, you're burning up." I could feel it burning my lips as though I had put them to the stove but yet I kept his fingers to my lips.

  "You feel it then, dontcha?"

  "Honey, I don't know what you're talking about…don't I feel what?"

  Then it hit me, like a bolt of lightning straight out of the sky.

  Life-sustaining.

  TJ was to me what I was to him. I was his heart and soul as he was my mine. To me, he was burning hot, providing me with the energy I needed to keep living. To him, I was burning hot, providing him with what he was in need of. That's why I was carrying the most vital piece of himself inside of me.

  Because I was what was keeping him alive.

  Just at that moment I woke up, drenched from head to toe in sweat. Screaming bloody murder, not because I had a nightmare;

  but because I was in labor.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Present Day

  I never thought I'd sleep that good ever again. No worry of being woke up by Bear. No worry of him tormenting the kids. I felt the safest I have felt in a long time. I was protected, and I loved it.

  Don't get too used to it.

  I video-conferenced the kids, told them that the flight was good and I was in my hotel now and I was getting ready to go sleep but I wanted to blow them a kiss goodnight. So I put my fingers over my mouth and leaned back as far as I could go and threw my hand out to them with a "Muah" sound effect. They did it back to me, even Luc which surprised me.

  I explained to them that I would see how everything went tomorrow but for the next couple of days I was going to be really busy, so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to conference them like this again tomorrow night, if not I'd send Luc's phone a text to say good night. I reminded them to be good in school and remember the safety rules. They weren't allowed to get into anyone other than mine, Auntie Rachel or Auntie Lilly's cars or one that JoJo or Luc was driving. If Bear was to show up at the school they were to call Uncle Curt ASAP from the office and to stay in the office no matter what Bear said. If I was to send someone else to pick them up, Luc met that person at the car and asked the code word. Only then could the girls get in with them. And finally, they were to go to bed at a decent hour so
that they didn't give Auntie Rachel any problems whatsoever. We went over these safety rules every day but since I wasn't there I wanted to make sure they were fresh on their minds. I told them I loved them and then told them to give me and Auntie Rach some space we needed to chat. I could've guessed how this conversation was going to go.

  "Put the laptop to the side, I wanna see him lying next to you."

  "Rach, he's not in my bed nor will he be in my bed."

  "Don't tell me that shit, because you're going to prove your own self a liar, cuz I know you're gonna end up fucking him."

  "He kissed me, Rach."

  There went the hand with the cigarette in it. It was as if someone had screamed Hallelujah! Rachel's arm went straight up in the air and then pointed right back into my face.

  "I knew it!" she screamed.

  "Shhhhh! It just happened and it wasn't because I wanted it, he kinda sneaked it up on me."

  "Ok… well, how was it?"

  "Seriously Rach…this isn't high school truth or dare."

  "Fuck you Biatch! I have been waiting 18 years for this shit. You had better start talking!"

  "It was ok, he saw the bruises though. I thought he was going to come unglued. He started with all this "Me Tarzan, You Jane; let me pull you by your hair back into my cave" bullshit, so I had to bring him back to reality and let him know that shit didn't fly with me."

  "Maybe you need some of that, Elle. I mean you haven't had someone to depend on in a long time."

  "And I don't plan on starting to now, Rach. He deserves something wholesome, something that isn't tainted."

  "How the fuck do you know what he needs? I swear girl, you aren't as tainted as you think you are; do you know that? "

  "Rachel, do you know that I had to go and get tested for STD's because my husband fucked some whore and then came home and raped me? Then last night he went and fucked, I guess the same whore ,came home drunk sat on top of me and violently face-fucked me to clean his dick off? Tell me I'm not tainted girl, because right now, I'm feeling pretty fucking contaminated."

  I looked up at Rachel, she had her hands over her face crying silently in her hands. I didn't mean to make her cry; she just needed to realize I was no good for him.

  "Baby… Rachel, look at me."

  She brought her hands down and I could see her mascara had run all over her cheeks and down her chin.

  "Honey, I'm broken. Irreparable. He doesn't deserve that."

  "Why!" she screamed at me as she slammed her fist down on her desk.

  "Why can't he fix you, goddammit! He's the only one on this earth that can fix you and I want you fixed! I am not giving up on you, Elle; you mean too much to me! Stop with this!"

  Still sniffling she turned her head to the side as though she was looking deep down inside of me "I need you, Elle. Don't give up on me, let him fix you. You deserve this!"

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, I blew her a kiss and told her I loved her and disconnected the call. I sat there a moment and cursed my luck for running into TJ McHale again.

  I needed a drink, something strong. I got off the bed and went to the door. I put my ear up to it to see if I hear anything. It sounded quiet, so I opened the door just a hair to peek out into the open area. Nothing. Lights were out, except for two small lamps over in the corners to give a bit of light just in case, say; oh someone wants to get up and get a shot of liquor. I opened the door all the way and headed for the kitchen. I walked briskly because my mindset was if I quiet-hurry I will be back in my room quicker, but if I quiet-slowly, it may still be quiet but I have a better chance of meeting him if he decides to come out. So, I quiet-hurried over to the small kitchen and open up the cabinets, I saw regular size glasses but I didn't see shot glasses. Fuck it, I grabbed a juice glass; that was good enough. Shit, the mood I was in, I could've probably just suck it out of the bottle.

  I went over to the mini-bar that was located over in the living area and looked at my choices. I'm not a big liquor drinker now, but in my day… blah, blah, blah. I grabbed a bottle of Jack and unscrewed the lid and poured half a glass; that looked like a shot to me. I tipped my head back and filled my mouth.

  "Holy shit!" I whispered. I looked at the glass, there was about half of that shot left, so I took a couple short breaths to try extinguish the fire that was now ablaze in my mouth and tipped my head back again.

  "Woahhhh" this came out a tad louder. I tip-toed over to see that his door was still shut and I watched it for a moment to make sure he didn't come out. All was clear. I tip-toed back over to the bar and poured the same amount in my glass. Now that I'd had two shots, I was feeling pretty relaxed. My muscles weren't as tense; I didn't seem to be as uptight as I was. Yep, this liquor is pretty fucking cool.

  "This one's for you Fucker, may you live short and die long."

  "And who would we be toasting to, hmmm? I am really hoping it isn't me to whom you are referring to as the fucker."

  I looked back and TJ was standing there in a pair of sweats and no shirt. His stomach muscles were rippling down into a luscious V where his sweats barely hung off his hips. His arms were still large and still defined as they were in high school, just a bit bigger now.

  "Christ Almighty, shouldn't you go put a shirt on before harems of women break down the door to lick every muscle on your body?" I murmured to myself as I turned back around and shot what I could of the liquor in my glass.

  I heard him laughing hard. Looking back again, his head had fallen back and his stomach was even tighter from laughing, which just made this all the more harder. I turned to the bar again and down the last of what was in the glass.

  "Well, I wasn't expecting harems, just you." He said while still laughing, hard.

  I went to fill up my glass again, considering I was pretty shit-faced, I just might fill up the whole glass.

  Reaching for the bottle TJ said, "I think we've had enough, don't you?"

  My hand fell down to my side, because I can't feel it anymore and just say "Nope, I'm still standing right?"

  He chuckled again and started walking me over to my room.

  "I thought you were asleep, I was just coming out to get a glass of water and here I find you attached to the bottle of whisky, can I ask what brought this on?"

  "You sure can" I slurred. "You know what brought this on, Mr. McHale? I'm gonna tell you" I continued, stumbling back into my room.

  "Drama, that's what brought this on. D-R-A-M-A."

  He walked me to my bed, pulled down the bedspread and sheet and helped me sit on the side. As he was standing there, I continued on.

  "I hate drama, but it seems to continually hunt me down."

  As I was talking, I began pulling my blouse off, fortunately I still had my bra on. I reached beside me for my t-shirt like I was in the room all by myself. I wasn't freaking out that TJ was standing right here in front of me watching me undress.

  "Never can I go a day with some sort of shit happening to me."

  I balled up my blouse and threw it on my suitcase over in the corner and pulled on my t-shirt.

  "I thought if I got away, it would calm down. Nope, here it is."

  I reached up behind me, unhooked my bra and pulled the straps out of my shirt on both sides and flip it into my suitcase as well. I pulled my feet into bed and cover up.

  "Are you comfortable, Elle?"

  "No" I say as I put my hands down to my side.

  "But I'm ok, thank you. Good night again, TJ."

  "Good night Elle, sleep well."

  I see him head for the door and thoughts and memories fly towards me all at one time then I see Rachel crying and slamming her hand down on her desk.

  "TJ?"

  I stop him right as he's closing my bedroom door.

  "Yes?"

  "Would you mind lying with me?"

  I heard the smile come back in his voice as he answered me.

  "Not at all."

  He shut the door and panic washed over my body.

  I mentall
y fight with myself. Oh god, what have I just done. Oh shit, TJ is going to be lying beside me in bed; for the night. Oh Jesus, what if Rach is right, what if we end up fucking. What if I end up begging like a dog. Oh shit, did I get waxed? Did I shave my legs. Oh god.

  All this was running through my head as he walked around the other side of the bed and pulled the covers back. I watched him stand there for a moment.

  "Ummmm Elle, do you mind if I lay in my boxers? I don't want to offend you or anything, I know you're a married woman and I told you I wasn't going to make a move on you, so you don't have to worry."

  Oh shit, TJ in boxers? Oh yeah, I'm so going to get fucked this trip. No you're not; shut up, Elleny!

  "That's fine, I have my sweats on; we're adults here."

  Yeah sure we are, the guy just kissed you and earlier he said he wanted you to move up and down his cock in the elevator. Girl, you are so fucked!

  I quieted the arguing in my head and turned on my side towards him with my hands up under my head, as I watched him take his sweats off and climb in and face me. I can see his face because I left the light on in the bathroom just in case I got up and couldn't see where I was. I smiled at him and he smiled back. We just stared at each other for long moments.

  "Wanna tell me what happened?" he said in his low rough voice.

  "I made Rachel cry" I blurted out.

  "Oh, I see," he responded surprisingly. I don't think he was expecting that.

  We stared at each other again for moments until he spoke again.

  "Do you wanna tell me why you made Rachel cry?"

  "Because I told her I wasn't going to fuck you."