Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  I was ready for a nap. I laid down and closed my eyes.

  I heard my dad's voice silently prohibiting whoever was on the other end of the line access to me and my babies.

  "You will not come up here and if you do I will have you removed." Silence from my dad for long moments then I could hear him take a breath to start up again. "She had to have emergency surgery to get to the babies, all three of them could've died and where were you? Mona was the one standing next to her holding her hand while the surgeon cut into her to bring those babies into this world."

  Bear.

  I could hear the frustration and anger in my dad's voice. He never once addressed Bear as their daddy. He would say "The" or "her" . "Yours" didn't see the tips of his lips and I knew that was infuriating to Bear.

  He knew deep down inside, that these babies weren't his biologically and with the hatred that he felt towards TJ, he believed that he had something that TJ would never have; these kids. In his mind he finally one-up'ed TJ and for my daddy never to verbally acknowledge that chapped Bear's ass.

  I heard his voice change as he cupped his mouth around the phone's receiver and I heard him tell Bear "If you come up here, Willie Jackson, as God as my witness you won't ever see my daughter or her babies again." He put the phone back down on the desk to hang it up and sat back down beside me. I turned over to look at him and tucked my hands up under my head.

  "Sorry honey, didn't mean to wake you."

  I partially winced and asked "Bear?"

  He shook his head and closed his eyes. I knew that Bear's abusive manner was a slap in my dad's face. He didn't raise his daughter to be treated this way, but Bear had something over my head that I didn't want TJ to find out about, I really didn't have a choice. I either put up with it or else TJ's life was ruined. Daddy knew this was my reasoning. He knew I'd stay and continue to put up with it til one of us was buried in the ground. There was nothing Bear could do to me that would make me disturb the life that TJ was leading.

  I made it through the two days that I had left in the hospital and it was a grueling two days. I was bored, hungry and tired of either being woken up for my breasts or for vitals. I knew once I got home, Mona would be there to help me whenever I needed it. She didn't have any babies, but that didn't mean her mothering instinct was absent, it was just dormant. She would do whatever she needed to do.

  One of the nurses came in and brought a breast pump with her to show me how to use it. I took one look at that contraption and saw how it worked and laughed in that poor woman's face. She must've thought I'd lost my mind. You couldn't have paid me all the money in China to put that apparatus anywhere near my breasts. Mona was just going to have to leave that dormant part of her instinct right where it lay.

  Daddy met me under the canopy with the car. They wheeled me out with JoJo strapped into her car seat in my lap while another nurse carried Luc beside me in his already for the ride home. I handed JoJo to daddy and then got out of the chair, he strapped her into the car so I went around to the other side and got beside her. He appeared beside me with Luc and strapped him in on the other side of me. I was surrounded with love… literally.

  We drove home.

  Reaching the house I felt like I hadn't seen it in months. I was elated to finally be home. I waited for him to come around and grab one of the babies' seats then I jumped out and grabbed the other baby. I went in the house and heard "SURPRISE!!" screamed all around me.

  "Holy shit!" I yelled because it scared the shit outta me. I looked around the living area, the dining room area, there were people everywhere. I saw right in the front of everyone my three girls. Lilly, Rachel and Mona. I set the baby down on the floor still in the car seat, I haven't lost my mind altogether and ran to them with my arms straight out to give all three of them a huge hug. People began crowding around wanting to get to the babies; Mona pulled JoJo out and immediately began smothering her in kisses. Lucas went to Lilly who instantly began to cry. I needed to sit down, I still was sore but nothing like I was. Exhaustion was part of my daily routine now.

  The baby shower went on for hours. I opened presents and ate a few bites of cake and drank some punch. I talked with people I hadn't seen in a while and spent time with my girls. They weren't going to be in town long, Lilly was flying out first thing tomorrow morning and Rachel was driving back tomorrow evening.

  I left the babies with daddy and Mona and walked with the girls into my room.

  "Anything, Rachel?" She knew what I was talking about. I always hated to start out our conversations that way, but I just needed to know he was well.

  She didn't have to say anything I could see it in her eyes, he hadn't contacted any of his family. I knew his mom was losing her mind with worry now, since it had been so long since she had heard from her only child. Now that I was a momma I could see why.

  I asked them how school was going and they told me all that was going on. They complimented me on how good I looked since having the babies but I felt shitty. I was tired, I felt fat, my boobs were sore and I was depressed.

  We continued our talks until Lilly finally announced she had to get up early for her flight. We hugged and kissed and I cried but I said my goodbyes and walked them to their cars.

  I went back inside and Clara was helping Mona wash up the last of the dishes and daddy was holding both sleeping babies. I plopped down on the couch next to him and took Luc from him. I held him up in front of my face and lowered him to my lips and kissed him I loved the smell of both of them. I laid him up against my shoulder and just sat there smiling at dad trying to get JoJo to smile.

  "Daddy she's only days old, I don't really think she's going to smile at your command yet." He laughed.

  When we heard the front door slam and saw Bear walk in, the smile left my dad's face quickly. He got up and took JoJo in the other room. Bear walked over to me, I wouldn't even turn my eyes to him.

  "Hey, baby." He acted like nothing was wrong, as if he kissed me goodbye this morning, went to work and came straight home.

  I glared at him. "Don't you dare hey baby me."

  "Is that my boy?" I knew he was deliberately changing the subject. He began trying to claw Luc out of my hands, I heard the baby moan a small moan and knew Bear wouldn't stop pulling, so I released him.

  "What's his name?"

  I looked dumbfounded at him.

  "Did you seriously just say that to me? Did you actually hear the words that just came out of your mouth? Don't you think something is wrong with that picture, Bear?"

  He just kept shaking the baby and cooing loudly in Luc's face until he began to cry.

  "Where were you while your children were being born, Bear?"

  He didn't answer me, so I asked again.

  "Did you hear me, Bear?"

  He answered this time.

  "I heard ya, bitch. I was somewhere that aint your concern". He said this in a tone you would talk to a young child in, while looking into the face of our supposed son.

  He looked over at me and glared and I knew with his tone, he wasn't fucking around anymore with my questions.

  "What did you name my boy?"

  "Dylan Lucas." I've been calling him Luc.

  He nodded.

  He looked back at me. "Go get my daughter from that mother fucker you call a dad."

  I had to clench my teeth to not say a word because I was still in pain and had stitches from my surgery, I didn't need anything ripping or tearing. I stood up slowly and went into the kitchen where my dad was standing with JoJo out ready to deposit her in my hands.

  "I'm gonna kill him, you know this right?" My dad whispered to me as he laid JoJo in my arms. I hushed him because again, I didn't need my ass beat this soon, and really, I don't think Bear would've cared, stitches or not; he'd have kicked my ass.

  I took JoJo out into the living room and laid her in his other arm, then I reached over and took Luc from him.

  "Oh, my beautiful girl, you look just like my granny."

 
I didn't vocalize anything, but inside I was telling myself that he had totally fucking lost it. He really was telling himself that these babies were his biological children.

  "Whatcha name my girl?"

  I didn't hesitate this time.

  "Jordan Taylor. I've been calling her JoJo. " I was praying with all that was in me he didn't catch on obviously, he didn't.

  "Nice."

  Shewwwwww, made it over that landmine.

  "Where's her bottle, I wanna feed her?"

  "Bear, I'm breastfeeding, neither of them takes formula." I tried to sound pleasant but obviously it wasn't working.

  "You better figure out a way for me to feed them. If I wanna give them a bottle goddammit, I'm gonna give them a bottle."

  He began to get up with JoJo, I was so terrified what he was doing and where he was going with her. He took her to the nursery and put her in her crib. I laid Luc down beside her and turned on the monitor that was on the dresser beside them and took the other half of the monitoring system and attached it to me so that I could hear everything.

  I went to bed before Bear. Last time I saw him he was sitting out in the drive with some man drinking beer. I checked on the babies and saw they were sleeping so I grabbed a quick shower and headed to bed. The last week played back in my mind, the first time meeting my babies, the baby shower, seeing my girls again. My thoughts lulled me off to sleep.

  Just to be woke up in the middle of the night with Bear's hand over my face and him with his hand up my nightgown.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Present Day

  I pulled my hands out of TJ's hair and brought my legs from around his waist and set them on the floor. I couldn't believe what I just admitted to face to face. He let go of my ass and kissed me on the tip of my nose.

  "Now that we have that outta the way…" he said flirtatiously. I looked over towards him, he had a smile from ear to ear on his face. "There's a restroom through there," he informed me as he pointed down the hall beside his desk. "Although I do enjoy that thoroughly fucked looked that is adorning your face" I smiled back at him and corrected his last phrase;

  "Ah, but you are mistaken, Mr. McHale. I do not wear that "thoroughly fucked" look on my face, since I was not thoroughly fucked." I kicked my foot up behind me and headed towards the restroom.

  Turning on the light and shutting the door, I heard my phone going off in my purse, I walked back out to where I dropped my purse on the floor by the desk, I reached in, checking the caller ID I saw it was my doctor's office…"April".

  I scrambled back into the bathroom and answered the phone with a low voice.

  "April?"

  "Elle, Hi. I got your results back this morning and I thought you'd like to hear them as soon as possible, everything came back fine."

  I exhaled loud. "Oh, thank you for calling me, by the way, since I have you on the phone. I've had another situation and I need to have a hepatitis test, but I'm in Vermont, can you see if Doc recommends someone or knows someone up here?"

  "Well Elle, we just tested you for all STD's, you shouldn't need another one this fast. It-"

  "Well, I need another, April. Can you just ask and let me know?"

  "Ah, yeah sure, but any health department should offer it."

  "Great, thanks again, have a good day."

  I hung up with April and set my phone on the sink. I looked in the mirror and "Fuck me!" I actually did have that thoroughly fucked look on me. I straightened my hair back down, attempted to reduce the swelling of my lips by putting a cold, wet cloth between them, but that didn't work. I swiped some gloss on them and fixed my clothes. I walked back out into TJ's office and continued beside his desk. "Do you have a physician up here, one that is… discreet?" He looked at me funny and chuckled "Of course I have one here, he's the best in the country. Why, are you ill?"

  I walked towards the couch and noticed that he had hit the buttons again and the music was gone; so were the opaque windows. The lady at the desk in front of us was staring and waving at me.

  I waved at her and mumbled through a smile "That lady is waving at me." TJ busted into laughter; "That's Mary". I relaxed my shoulders.

  "Oh great!" I stood up and walked to the door to go out and introduced myself. As I opened the door, TJ's hand flew over it.

  "Wait a minute, we're not done here, what's with the doctor?"

  "Oh I just need to stop by to see him quickly, if you would please, text me the number?"

  "When, you tell me why."

  "Jesus Christ, TJ! Didn't we just have this conversation, not even ten fucking minutes ago, about me not answering to you? Just shoot me the number or I will find a clinic, it doesn't matter to me."

  "As I recall, you said you were mine and that you belonged to me, so that gives me every right to question you. Now, are you going to tell me now or on the way there?"

  "Not" I say, as I pull against his hand but the door doesn't budge.

  "I don't think that was an option, Elle. Now start or I will find another way to get it out of you."

  I thought to myself, he's not going to get this out of me. He can do whatever he thinks he has to, but I knew that he wasn't going to touch me intimately. I've had my legs wrapped around him twice today with his cock pushed up against my entrance and he still didn't, as he would say "thoroughly fuck" me. He can hit, punch, trust me; I've had it done to me and I still won't talk.

  "Not gonna talk?"

  I closed my mouth, put my fingers up to it like I was turning a key and then threw the air key behind my back.

  "Not happening, Bud."

  Out of nowhere, he removed his hand off the door and I pulled it open; no problem. I looked at him, he looked at me and headed back to his desk. I headed out into the reception area.

  "Mary? Hi ,I'm Elle Barker-Jackson. I think we are going to be working together for the next couple of weeks."

  She stood and grabbed my hand a little stronger than I was expecting, then she proceeded to shake it briskly. My arm was shaking so fast, that it was shaking my whole body.

  "Mrs. Barker-Jackson, it's such a pleasure. I have been looking forward to working with you."

  "Wonderful, from what I'm understanding there's one more, Sara… correct?" The smile seemed to be ripped off her face in a flash. "Sara… yes… ummmm… let me give her a buzz and see if she can come and meet with us."

  I smiled back, but didn't say anymore. I had a feeling, Sara was not Mary-friendly. I stood with my back to Mary, looking in at TJ sitting at his desk on the phone and saw him wink at me. I smiled back. That's when I heard her voice.

  "Mary, I am up to my neck in wo-"

  She stopped talking but continued to walk towards us at the same time. Her eyes were squinting harder and harder in my direction. I ignored her. This wasn't the first time I've had to deal with other office assistants that think their H.B.I.C ; Head Bitch in Charge, usually, I ignore it and eventually they see there just as unimportant as the rest of us.

  "Sara… is it?" I started towards her with my hand out, ready to start this little fucking game she wanted to play. I was already ahead; I was killing her with kindness.

  "I'm Elle Barker- Jackson, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so pleased to have the chance to work with you."

  I walked right in front of her; she looked at my hand and curled the left side of her lip up as she rolled her eyes. She intentionally walked right beside me without saying a word; right into TJ's office.

  I heard TJ tell whomever he had on the phone that he will call them back and hung up.

  "Trev…"

  Trev, what the fuck was that shit. Did she seriously call him Trev? Oh my god, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  "Sara, I see you had a chance to meet Elleny."

  She smiled this calculated imitation smile that made me want to smack it right off of her mouth.

  "Trev, I am up to my neck in paperwork. Mary called me up here and now there is no way I'm going to be done by lunchtime. Ya know, I don't
think I ask for a lot here, is there any way she can work with me here on this problem? I have asked her and asked her not to buzz me, but every time I turn around..."

  She totally dodged his question. So I made it known right in front of "Trev".

  "Yes Mr. McHale, thank you for asking. I did have a chance to introduce myself to Sara here. I have a wonderful feeling, the time we spend together is going to be an enjoyable one, don't you think so… Sara?" I had a beautiful smile on my face just like the one I had on my face when I mentally mashed TJ's balls for trapping me into that luncheon.

  "Perfect, well Sara, I'm pulling you off of Brooks and Fairfield Inc. account. You'll now be working under Elle here; helping her with anything she needs. Nate will be swinging by your office to pick up everything you have on them."

  "Trev, this is bullshit! I have been working with them for months now. They won't deal with anyone else; they told me that; they'll pull out." She claimed as she folded her arms over her chest and stuck her left foot out in front of her.

  "I'll deal with them, you don't worry. Elle, what was it that you said you needed this morning? Oh yes, have Mary order up from supplies a box of 500 memory sticks, also call Chris over in the IT department and have a laptop checked out and brought up to my office for Elle by 1:30. We have an appointment that is in need of our attendance."

  Damn, I thought she was pissed when he pulled her off that account. Fuck, she was fuming now. If she was a cartoon character, smoke would have been coming out of her ears. She was put back in her place and I didn't have to say a word. Although, I would have loved to ask her how it felt to be back down here on the ground floor with the rest of us. I'm picking my battles, I have a feeling we're going to have a few.