Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  "I have a headache." I couldn't believe I used that cliché.

  I felt him vibrating against me; he was laughing… hard.

  "And so it begins…" He said as he continued to laugh.

  I quickly flipped over and looked at him "So what beings, TJ?" he lifted himself up; so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard as he sucked both of his lips in, trying to hide the smile that was conveniently making its way back out.

  "The wifely duties of denying her husband."

  I looked at him as if he was insane. Was he living on another planet? I was not his wife and I had no duties to deny him. I knew he could see the dumbfounded look on my face, but yet he continued to smile at me.

  I shook my head as I said quietly "I think you consumed way too much alcohol tonight with whoever you were out with. If you were smart, you would turn over, close your eyes, and pass the fuck out. We have a huge day tomorrow." Once again turned over with my back to him.

  He put his arm over my side to try and roll me back towards him, as he bent down to my ear "Awwwhhh, do I detect a lil bit of jealous there, baby? You know I am all and only yours." He stated as he licked the shell of my ear. I sat straight up, making him begin again with the laughing. Now I'm pissed; Not at him but at myself. I didn't want him to realize this, but he could see right fucking through me. I know I'm jealous; I'm so jealous I can taste the unpleasantness pushing its way up my throat from the pit of my stomach. I just got him back and now he's out with some hooker-bitch, probably spouting off to her the same lines he's used on me. But I didn't get him back…did I? He's not mine, nor will he ever be mine. He's doing exactly what I want him to do; to get on with his life and leave me alone. That little confession that he fucked out of me this morning didn't help my case of pushing him away, but I could mentally write that off as being coerced. Oh God, maybe it's me that's so fucked up in the head!

  I know my face was hard. It was beginning to ache from being kept pulled so tight. I know what I had to say was going to sting but it's for his own good. "TJ, I'm not jealous, there's nothing to be jealous about. This…" I pointed between me and him "is nothing other than good reunion sex…that's it hun. You are open to do whatever you would like to do with whomever you would like to do it with. This is not going any further than where it is. You're not mine and…" I stop for a minute to swallow back the words I didn't want to say "I'm definitely, not yours".

  The smile left his face. I did it! I hit him right where I needed it to hit. He needed to take in everything I just said and plant it right in the front of his brain. Then I topped it with the cherry; "the saying we used to say as kids to each other… we're bendable, not breakable… remember that? It's bullshit. We are breakable… always have been, always will be."

  He sat there; staring at me, trying to read my face just as much as I was trying to keep it blank. We were both emotionless. It was taking everything that was within me not to grab him and push my lips to his. I had to end this now.

  "Now, I suggest that you lay down and get some sleep, seeing as you have an appointment in the morning."

  I laid back down and flipped my back to him again. I didn't feel him move. He was still sitting up against the headboard.

  "You remember that first day of school; our second grade year? My momma walked me into our classroom and I looked around. I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous; hell, we knew everyone already. Then gazin across the kids, I saw ya over in the corner with Rach and Lils." As he was talking, probably because of the alcohol, his accent was coming through. "I couldn't' believe it, Elle; I gotcha in my class. I walked down each aisle of desks, prayin'…no, beggin with the Lord that my desk could be next to yours." I knew where he was going with this story. I couldn't breathe, I closed my eyes and just listened, and it killed me hearing every word he was saying. Tears were attempting to pool in the corners of my eyes, but I wouldn't let him know that he was getting to me. I couldn't; we'd be right back where we were. I could feel him tracing the pattern of the bedspread with his finger on my hip. "I came to my desk and saw your nametag on the desk next to mine… and I knew then… right at that fucking moment, Elleny! So don't sit there and tell me we're breakable." I felt his strong arm come across me and roll me over. My eyes were still closed, but tears were dripping down the side of my head into my hair. "Open your eyes, Elle and look at me!" I couldn't stop them, they opened and I saw him…really saw him. I saw him as that little boy chasing me around the field, our second grade year, I saw him bringing me the cookie that his momma had packed for him, in his lunch our third grade year. I saw him kick Mike Edward's ass in the eighth grade, for coming up to me at my locker and pinching my ass. I saw him, our senior year of high school slip an anchor ring on my left hand ring finger; the same fucking ring that's attached to a chain, which he wears around his neck now. I saw him alright. Whether we were breakable or not, we were continuously anchored to each other from the time we walked into Ms. Wilde's second grade classroom. However bad we wanted to deny it, that bond would never be broken, that's what made us unbreakable…our bond was what we were talking about being bendable, not breakable. That's exactly how he wanted me to see him.

  "He'll run off with my kids, Trevor… he'll kidnap my kids and take ‘em to those hillbilly fucks he calls family, and they'll hide my kids from me. I can't risk it. I've lost everything in my life that meant something to me. I can't lose my kids."

  "Is that why we can't be together? Is that the big reason why? Shit Elle, I thought it was something big. We can deal with that, baby."

  No wait…what the fuck is happening, we're backtracking here. I thought that would help my case, it didn't. I can't tell him why, he wouldn't understand why. I kept the reasoning, that JoJo and Luc were his to myself. This couldn't be happening.

  "No!" I yelled and jumped out of bed. "I'm not taking any chances with my kids! No man is worth that…trust me. I found that out the hard way." I walked to my luggage and grabbed a pair of jeans and slipped them on.

  "Wait, where are you going?"

  I have no clue, all I know is that I have to get out of here and think. The whole situation was a storm brewing and it was fixin to let loose.

  I just shook my head.

  "Goddammit Elle, at least tell me where you're going?"

  "I don't know… for a walk maybe… I'll be back later. Just get some sleep."

  I walked up and down the streets of Burlington, feeling the chilled night air hit my face, mentally and physically revived me. I needed to think. I was making a list of pros and cons of why and why not to tell him. If I told him, he'd be pissed off enough to leave me alone. But then he'd come back with a vengeance and want to see the kids. I was fucked, if I did or if I didn't. I made it back to the hotel room just in time for a shower and to get changed for our first meeting.

  I still had no idea what my plan was going to be. I walked into the dark room quietly, I didn't want to wake him up just yet. I tried to find my way around to my luggage, to grab something to put on when I got out of the shower; I had just gotten my sweats and shirt off when I heard him.

  "Where the fuck have you been?" I've only heard that deep tone a few times in my life, and I knew what it meant; he was extremely pissed.

  "I told you. I was going for a walk."

  He clicked on the light beside the bed and that's when I notice him. He looked like shit. He probably hadn't slept all night, and add a hangover to that. He was not a happy camper. Oh shit, where do I begin with this. I have to play nice.

  "TJ sweetie, we have to be in the office at nine, let's get you a shower and some food in you, and then you'll feel good to go."

  "We're not going."

  Oh fucking no! I was up working on this shit til all hours of the night and now he said that this was not happening? That was not an option. We had to do as many as we could to get this project done so I could leave; by Tuesday. I couldn't stay any longer; this was killing me.

  "Trevor…that's not an option; I could possibly push
it back until later in the evening, but they have to be done… today."

  He didn't say a word. He picked up his phone and hit a number…one number.

  "Morning, yeah I'm sorry to call so early. Look Chris, I need a favor. Go into Miss Barker's schedule. Print out all the appointments that she has set for today and tomorrow and email them to Sara Montgomery, please. She needs to call each one and revise the schedule for next week. I appreciate it…Thanks you too"

  "Did you really fucking just do what I think you just did?"

  I know the color of my face had turned two shades redder than what was the norm.

  "Yep" he popped off and layed back down.

  I had my back to him and was mumbling shit under my breath and didn't realize that he had gotten out of bed and was standing behind me. He picked me up around my waist and hurled me over his shoulder.

  "What the fuck are you doing!" I shrieked. I don't know who he thought he was, but he couldn't manhandle people this way. I was kicking my feet up and hitting him in his back, but he was not putting me down.

  "You wanna stay out all night long, make me fucking worry about you?" He tossed me down on the bed and caged me in with his arms around my head and did a pushup to get down in my face. "You wanna be selfish, and not think of others with the stunts that you pull, Elleny?" He was down in my face. I couldn't see anything but those big, beautiful eyes. "Honey, I know you're husband doesn't give a shit about you, but I do dammit! When are you going to realize that?" I put my hands up on his chest to push him away, he barely budged. Dammit, foiled again.

  "Really…you care so much for me, huh…then who were you out with last night drinking at a bar with, huh?" That got him to soften a bit. I pushed against him again, this time it worked. I stood up quickly and went to the other side of the room. "Yeah, you think I'm a fucking amateur at smelling liquor and perfume on a man? Trust me, I live with a professional, Trevor. You didn't just stumble upon a naive little girl who sucks up your bullshit as though it was liquid through a straw. Hmmm, let me guess…" I put my index finger up to my lips and my eyes to the ceiling as though I'm actually contemplating thinking. "…Maybe Sara? Hmmmmm, no, she's young enough to have a curfew. Her momma done ground her if she steps in one minute after ten. Maybe some chick you picked up in the bar…oh even better, the bar downstairs….that would make it just fucking perfect. The woman that you supposedly have been pining over for seventeen years up stairs; dreaming of her wedding gown, and what color flowers she will carry down the aisle while you pump and prod the "Can't turn a whore into a housewife" chick?" I make my hand in a fist and start going up in down with it as though I'm jacking off air. Or…" I'm getting ready for the explosion that's about to take place, but I don't give a fuck, he's not going to put me in a corner like this; I don't owe him shit! "…maybe you met up with Natasha." His head spun around, his eyes catching mine and he knew I knew.

  "Fucking Sara!" he closed his eyes. Yep…busted.

  "Well, why I think I hit a sore spot with that one."

  I started to grab my pants and shirt to head to the bathroom, I wasn't staying in here. I was hungry and fucking tired.

  "What the fuck did she say to you?"

  I looked back at him, was he serious? Did he really want to go down this road? Well, I didn't.

  "She said enough…oh and by the way, the seat for the next in line to have a nice royal fucking from you already has been acquired, so make sure you spout off all that bullshit you've been spouting off to me, she will lick… it… up!"

  I didn't think a man could move so fast in all my life; at least not a human man. One minute he was standing near the bed, the next he had me pinned up against the wall. He flipped me around so my front was to the wall, this was not funny. He knew how bad I hated this. I felt his hand run down my back until he came to my bra strap.

  "Where the fuck is the clasp" his voice was shaky again. I pushed him too far this time.

  "It's in the front." Just as I was finishing that, I heard the rip. He tore the back strap of my bra, then he worked his way down to my panties. I heard the shred from the side where he had ripped them too. He was paying for this shit, I didn't wear cheap intimates.

  He chuckled by my ear as I felt his body push against mine. I closed my eyes. "I thought maybe, since I was tired from being up all night long worrying over you and having a pretty shitty hangover, I'd make love to you nice and easy this morning; maybe work off the rest of the alcohol that was left in my system after pacing the floor. But I see you had a different plan in mind." He ran his hand over my ass cheek and then gave it a quick slap. "Ouch!"

  "Now, this is how this is gonna work. You get a choice; either I'm gonna fuck you like this, until you realize that I'm not that fuckin prick husband of yours and you blow your load all over me like you did the other mornin. Or, I'm gonna fuck you like this, until you realize that my feelings for you are bigger than the both of us and you stop denying it, and until you stop thinkin that there is someone else that will be takin your place because, there never was and there never will be. Obviously, my words can't scream that loud enough for you, maybe my cock will be. At least enough for you to believe. Now what's it gonna be?"

  Well, this didn't look good for me; either way. I was going to be fucked up against this wall. Here I stood, completely naked up against a wall, with my head turned to the side. I had two choices to pick from and neither one of them were worth considering. I closed my eyes and didn't say a word.

  "I'm waiting for your answer, Elleny." He rolled his hips against my back side; I could feel how hard he was against me.

  I still didn't answer. I was not giving into his pathetic little games. I am a grown woman. I don't do ultimatums.

  "Oh I see, now all the sudden, when I want you to open your mouth you wanna be tight lipped huh? Well, since you wanna play the game that way, how bout I take away your choices and just fuck you for both reasons. That sound good to you? I'll take that as a yes".

  He brushed his cheek against mine, I could feel his stubble rub against the soft skin of my cheek. It scratched a little, but I had a feeling that was nothing compared to what I was about to go through.

  He lowered his face down to my neck and rubbed his nose up against me. "You're smell is an aphrodisiac to me." I heard him inhale long, breathing my scent in. My eyes still closed, I shut everything down other than my sense of touch. Every inch of my skin he touched felt as if it was on fire. His hands were still holding mine up against the wall, so all he had to caress me with was his nose. He ran it down the back of my neck, following the path of my spine; taking in breath through his nose every so often. He was teasing me and he knew it. He made his way to the bottom of my back and stopped. He pulled away from me.

  "Spread your legs, Elle." I didn't respond either verbally or physically. I just stood there. He wanted this, he was gonna have to work for it. He stood back up straight and put his face back up against my cheek. I could feel his hot breath coming quicker than before, he was turned on, and he was about to lose control with my actions.

  "Did you hear what I said to you?" I didn't say anything.

  "Still nothing huh…ok well, we can do this the hard way then. Whether you like it or not Elleny, I'm breaking you, do you understand me?" I didn't respond. "I'm going to remove my hand from yours, if you move it, I'll restrain you another way." Oh fuck, please tell me he's not into that, because I'm just about ready to run out of here naked, I don't care. I felt his hand, very slowly move away from mine and head down the same path he just went down with his nose; I got goose bumps as he softly touched the sensitive area. His hand didn't stop at the top of my ass this time. It continues down the middle. He finally found what he was looking for.

  His face, still up on my cheek, he began to moan "mmmmm, I see you like this little game as much as I do. You're sloppy wet, baby."

  Shit, my body has betrayed me again.

  I was trying my hardest to ignore his words but I couldn't. His fingers continued their tortu
re running back and forth between my core and my clit. He eventually began circling me over and over slowly. "This right here…" He began to circle around my clit faster. "This is what's gonna to give you away, Elle." His fingers felt so good against me. He was building me up, he knew that. All he had to do was get me to a certain point and I would do whatever he asked; Bastard!

  Lightly running his fingers across the small bundle of nerves, I gasped. He had me where he wanted me and he knew it. Softly, "Spread your legs for me, baby" I immediately spread for him. His finger diverted back to where they first had come from, and slowly he entered me.

  "Mmmmm, oh yeah, that's the spot right there. This is the spot that I'm speaking to." He pushed his finger in farther, and I moaned. Shit, it felt so good when he was inside of me. "You like that, don't you?" he was still whispering against my face; his breath was hot and the combination of senses was almost overwhelming to me. He laid his lips up on the side of my neck. His voice was still very low and very quiet. "Answer me, Elleny." I didn't bother opening my eyes, I didn't want to see him. He would know that he had won, and I couldn't have that. I breathed out "yes". He kissed my neck again; this time I felt his tongue touch my skin. "Good girl." His finger drew out then plunged back in slowly. "I'm going to drop my other hand from yours and the same rule applies, you understand me?" I didn't answer again. I didn't want to tell him yes; I wasn't a fucking child! I was finding this to be crueler than Bear's tactics. If I just agreed with him, maybe he would've let me go.

  Finally I spoke. "Ok, you win TJ, let me go. I don't think that you're fucking around, or whatever you said, and if it bothers you that much, you can turn me backwards and fuck me. Ok…there I said it, you can let me loose now."