Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  "I met Natasha two years ago. She was a buyer in my company. She was blonde, blue-eyed; extremely thin and a cutthroat bitch. She was the total opposite of you in every shape and form. She would continually flirt with me or ask me out. At first I ignored her, I'd push her away but she was persistent.

  So one night, I had to go to a cocktail party; I asked her to come along. We went; we danced and drank and things happened; we ended up sleeping together. We went out a couple of times after that but nothing really became of us, because I wouldn't allow it. She wasn't you." I began to pour myself another glass of wine because I'd already finished off a full glass. He continued "a year went by, we talked and still worked together but we never went out again. Until one night she asked me over to her house, she was having a small get together and wanted me to come. I did. I'm not gonna lie, Elle, I slept with women but my heart wasn't in it."

  Was that supposed to make me feel better? Because it sure the fuck didn't.

  "I went and ended up spending the night with her just like the last time. I got up in the morning and went home. Monday morning she showed up just like normal. Couple weeks go by and everything is fine, until one night after work. I stayed late, I had a meeting or something in the morning, I can't remember but she stayed late as well. As soon as everyone left she came into my office and proceeded to tell me that she was pregnant."

  My whole world just shattered around me. I didn't know how to process this. Oh my god, he seriously could not find out now.

  "I didn't have any children and I felt bad for her, Elle. I didn't want her raising a baby; my baby alone without me."

  Holy shit, this just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm feeling the wine that I just emptied from my glass wanting to come back up.

  "I told her to move in with me, to stop working. I wanted my child to be healthy. I explained to her, I wasn't a believer of marriage but if she wanted for her own honor, she could tell people we were engaged. I swear; I had no intention of ever marrying her, Elle. Months went by doctor's visits were made, I was never allowed to go to them, she said that she wanted to wait til we could hear the heartbeat before I showed up. Hell, I didn't know anything about this, I just agreed. She went out and bought herself a ring, and then began to start pressuring me into getting married. We'd fight over it night after night. Then about three months in, I came home early and she was downing a bottle of wine. I confronted her on it; told her I was no doctor, but common sense tells ya not to drink when you're pregnant, that's when she confessed it was all a lie."

  Oh my god, that was it… there it went… my world just shattered.

  "I told her that she needed to be out by the end of the day. I didn't care where she went what she did. I was done. She thought if she pretended to be pregnant, I'd marry her and she'd be able to get to my money."

  I was speechless. What do you say to that?

  "I'm so sorry, honey that you had to go through that." Yep, that's what I came up with.

  "Elleny, I'm thirty-five years old. I'm getting up there and I don't have any children; that just got me thinking."

  I knew it felt as if it was going to come back up. This conversation could not happen. I ran as fast as I could into the bathroom and planted my head in the toilet just as almost a whole bottle of red wine came back up. What a fucking waste, it was a good wine.

  "Honey are you ok?" TJ said as he handed me a wet washrag.

  "Yeah, I think so, I just think I had a busy day and I'm tired."

  I felt bad about the Natasha thing. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

  "I'm sorry, TJ; about not letting you explain and for how she treated you."

  "It's ok, it's for the best. I just wanted you to know the truth about what happened."

  I couldn't think about anything anymore. I couldn't' think about Natasha. I couldn't think about what he just said about me knowing the truth, I just had to let it all go. I just wanted to crawl up and bed and close my eyes. So that's what I did.

  * * *

  The next couple of days flew by. That was because we were so busy. The signings were going well. All the presentations were flawless and the signings were simple. I was doing what I needed to do so that when they moved everything down to Richland everything would be arranged easily. Sara was doing her filing every night. I think that was because she wanted me gone. Today was Wednesday and I was scheduled to leave tomorrow evening on TJ's company plane. I decided to go home and video conference the kids to tell them I'd see them tomorrow. I stopped by TJ's office and told him I was going to take a taxi home and he told me that wouldn't be necessary he was leaving right then. We went to the car and drove to the hotel. I ordered room service for us while he went to take a shower. I figured this was the best time to call the kids. I had set up my laptop at the table and dialed the kids.

  Harlee answered with a big hello. She always made me feel so happy. My sweet precious baby.

  "Momma, I got an A on my spelling pre-test today."

  "Well, hello my sweets… that's amazing! Congratulations! I'm comin home tomorrow, you missin me as much as I'm missin you?"

  "Oh momma, we're havin so much fun! Luc was playing football with Uncle Curt and Uncle Kevin and Uncle Kevin said he sprained something, momma he did a whole flip in the air. It was so funny."

  That was funny, I could picture Kevin doing that.

  "Well honey, I can't talk long, lemme say hey to your brother and sister. I love you and can't wait to see you!"

  I saw JoJo appear first. I turned to make sure that TJ was still in his room.

  "Hey there! My beautiful girl! How's school? Did Aunt Rachel take you to your last thing?"

  I saw Luc appear in the corner and I waved while she talked.

  "Yes, I'm done now, so all I have to do is take my paperwork up to the courthouse to hand in and I'm freed from all this."

  "That's great! There's my handsome boy; how was your day? did you have practice?"

  "Yeah, I did. It was good. Did Harlee tell you about Uncle Kevin?"

  That's when I heard the glass hit the floor. I turned around quickly. It scared the shit outta me. There stood TJ over my shoulder looking at my twins…his set of twins.

  "Ahhhh."

  I didn't look back at the kids, I just quickly said, JoJo, "I'll call you back" and hung up.

  "TJ, I can-"

  "Who the fuck was that, Elleny?"

  I could hear the panic in his voice. I knew as soon as he would see them he would notice it. JoJo even had the same dimple as him. Luc's voice sounded just like TJ's when he was his age.

  "I can explain Trevor."

  "Who the fuck was that!!!" He screamed.

  He screamed so loud his body shook. His eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. I had no choice, I was caught. I had to tell him.

  I whispered really low "They're my kids, Trevor."

  "The twins" he stated as if he wanted to be sure we were talking about the same kids.

  I couldn't talk, I was already crying because I knew what was coming. I just nodded my head.

  "Bear's set of twins… right?"

  He was either trying to be delicate with me because he could see that I was already falling apart or he was trying to keep a handle on his temper. I didn't answer him.

  "I asked you a question…Bear's the father of your set of twins; right?" He said right slower this time. I didn't answer again.

  This time he came up and put his hands on my shoulders and shook me when he yelled "Who's the father of your son and daughter, Elleny?"

  I screamed back "You are!!!" They're yours, Trevor!!!"

  He let go. He took a step back and I fell to the floor, sobbing. His mind had to be running at warp speed.

  "How…old?" I looked up, he was just staring at the open screensaver on the computer.

  I whispered again "Seventeen."

  He didn't even have to do any math, he knew, he closed his eyes.

  "The lake."

  I knew his mind was t
rying to take all this in. "I wanna know now what the fuck you were thinking, Elle." his voice was low and raspy, it's that voice I hated to hear. He knew now; I might as well tell him the whole story. Shit, the truth was going to come out it might as well all come out.

  "The weekend of our going away party, I ended up in the hospital remember?" he nodded once. I continued on. "You interrupted a conversation between Rachel, me and Bear." He didn't nod this time, so I didn't stop. " I had just found out I was pregnant, that's why I was so sick. I didn't plan on anyone finding out, I was just going to leave town and move away but then Bear and Rachel walked in and a nurse said something. I made them promise not to tell you. I knew you'd throw away your scholarship and then I kept picturing you resenting me for making you give up everything. So Bear made me a deal, he'd marry me and raise the baby as his own if I gave up full contact with you. What we weren't counting on were two babies. A boy and a girl. I ended up having them alone. Bear never showed up to the hospital, so when the lady came to fill out the birth certificate, I didn't put any father's name on it. They have his last name but he's not their legal father."

  As soon as I stopped, I noticed he was sitting now and had put his head in his hands and lowered his elbows to his knees.

  "Names?"

  I didn't want to tell him their names. He knew their nicknames; that was good enough. I didn't answer.

  "Elleny!" he yelled louder from under his hands.

  "JoJo's name is Jordan Taylor Jackson."

  He chuckled; "my initials."

  I didn't want to continue, he was going to lose it; I just knew it.

  "Elle…"

  "His name is Luc, Trevor."

  He stood up before I could finish.

  "Don't you bullshit me… tell me his name!" he howled as he looked down at me on the floor.

  I whispered hopefully he wouldn't hear me. "Dylan Lucas Jackson."

  He went over to the table and grabbed the laptop off of it and hurled it right through the television that sat in the living room. I covered my head with my hands.

  He continued to throw things and scream although, I couldn't hear him. I was stuck on the ground with my head covered up and crying.

  "Those were my babies, Elleny! I missed out on everything! You even had the nerve to name them names that I picked out; that were meant for me and you! Not you and Bear!" I looked up at him; because suddenly, he stopped and it became quiet. He had tears streaming down his face.

  "He's going to try and take my kids, isn't he?" I could see his jaw clenching and his anger rising. I sat up and told him "he doesn't know that you know, and I'm still not leaving him. They don't know any different TJ, they don't know about you. They know Rachel is my best friend, but they don't know that she is their blood relative." He closed his eyes at this information.

  That's when he started:

  "I couldn't make myself write your name to address this letter to you, every time I'd start to I'd find myself shaking."

  I looked up at him; he was walking back over to me and kneeling down beside me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing coming from his mouth. I attempted to cover my ears as he continued on but he was there uncovering them and making me listen to my words; the words I wrote in the note I left him in the truck, the day he left for college.

  "I need you to think of three things when you think of me, baby." He grabbed my chin and made me look up at him; I closed my eyes and listened to him repeat every word that had come from within me.

  "Remember today, the day you left for college; us standing together and I looked you in the eyes and I vowed to you that no matter what, I was anchored to you forever and always. Honey, don't forget that. You give my life meaning. You are the reason I am who I am and I am with you always. Please don't ever forget me, because you will continually be the only thought that runs through my mind. Remember that I love you. My love for you is like a river, it continually runs strong and never does it recede. Remember that throughout your lifetime. Everything that I have done and that I am doing and will do in my life is because of my love for you. You were my first love, my only love and my love on my dying day. Be happy baby! I want you to find someone that will make you as happy as you have made me. Never will I be able to know that kind of happy again. You deserve everything you have set out for, my love. Go…be what you are destined to be, a shining light. The warmth of you heart, the strength that you possess and your keen knowledge have been blessed to you for a reason, fulfill that purpose. I want you to find someone that you can grow old with, that can make all your pain subside and give you memories that will be treasured between the two of you until you pass. You carry with you half of my heart, my love, whether you like it or not. Keep it locked tight, don't ever harm it and know that you are forever loved."

  He had memorized the whole entirety of the letter. I continued quietly crying. He had memorized that whole letter and seventeen years later he still remembered it.

  "Did you hear what I said? Everyday…" He wiped his eyes but it didn't help they filled up with tears again that quick; "every day for four years I woke up and read that letter." He started to walk over to me and stood right in front of me and began again in that voice I hated to hear. "For four years, I read that letter before I went to bed. It consumed me! I thought about what I did wrong, where we went wrong and why the fuck you would marry him." I looked up at him. I couldn't stand what I saw in front of me; what I had created out of this man.

  "Trev-"

  "No! You don't get to talk now! You're time to come clean has come and gone." He yelled and then became quiet again. "Every day was a continuous struggle to even take a breath Elle. I lived my life hour to hour not even day to day." He had to stop because he was trying not to lose his temper. This was when I cut in.

  "I was eighteen, TJ. I thought that what I was doing was for the best. I wanted you to have everything-"

  He roared over me "I didn't have my family!!!!" I pulled back and hid my face. "You had no right to keep that from me, Elleny. You wanted me to go out and achieve all this shit that actually meant nothing to me. All this…" He looked around the huge hotel suite that I was now huddled down on the floor in "this means nothing to me when I would've been satisfied with you in a small house, attending community college, and got to see you…." he paused again taking a breath…"pregnant with my babies. Being able to watch them walk…teaching Luc" I could tell he didn't even want to say his name, this was killing him. "All my football moves… not fucking Bear's… mine! If you had known me the way you say you had, you would've known, that would've been worth all of this; tenfold."

  I looked up at him, tears were streaking my cheeks and I couldn't say anything, all I could do was nod.

  There, everything was out in the open, all my cards were on the table. I had nothing else to hide. Seventeen years of secrets, lies and duplicities were out for all to see, especially the one person I tried so desperately to hide it all from. I should've felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but I didn't. I couldn't imagine how my children were going to take it. I never in my mind thought that this would be an easy thing to discover, but I didn't know until it came out how devastating it was. I had lied to the three most important people in my life. It hit me then that the choice I had once made thinking it was in the best interest of another, ended up destroying the lives of three innocent people.

  He got up and went into his hotel room and I heard the door lock. I got up from the floor went straight into my room, threw some jeans and a shirt on, crammed all my clothes in my suitcase and left Burlington, Vermont.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Present Day

  Three weeks had passed since my trip to Burlington and I had not heard nor seen TJ. I wasn't really expecting too. The way we had left things, I'd say I couldn't really blame him.

  When I'd come home, I met with Lilly and Rachel and told them everything, even down to the nitty-gritty details. Rachel turned her face up as though she had eaten something sour but Li
ls…planted her elbows on the table and her hands to her chin and hung onto every word. I told them about the fight and how I had just packed up and left. I also told them how much I missed him. I was right back where I was seventeen years earlier, tending to a broken heart, but my heart was nothing compared to what I could only imagine his looked like.

  I went to work and continued on my daily routine. I saw Bear once or twice and then he was gone for a week. He'd come home, do what he had to do and then was gone again. Whatever, it was the same as it was for the past seventeen years. One night when he did come home he started talking about the rumors at work about how some big-wig had bought the factory and was moving down from somewhere up north and that they were trying to prepare everyone for the takeover. I just listened and nodded once and a while.

  Work was good. Mr. Stevens got his promotion and last week he ended up moving into a bigger office, I got a space right next door to his. I was thrilled to have my own area. It seemed since Loren received his promotion work had slowed down That was why when I received an email from Rachel demanding we have lunch later this afternoon, I cringed. I wasn't really in the mood to see anyone and especially talk with anyone, I just wanted to go home and lick my metaphorical wounds. So I decided to call her and get a rain check.

  I picked up my office phone and dialed her number on the second ring she answered.

  "Hey Biatch!"

  "Rach, I'm swamped can we do lunch another time?" I started rustling around papers making it sound like I was multi-tasking.

  "Nope."

  I stopped what I was doing and sat straight up. I was curious why she would say no, she never said no. Something must be wrong. The first thought that came to mind.

  "Are you pregnant?"

  "What the fuck Elle! Shut your mouth!" ok so that wasn't it.

  "What's wrong…you have to tell me something; are you sick? Oh shit! Oh god, please don't tell me your moving. Is that it, just tell me now Rach, just get it over with, because right now I don't think I could take another piece of bad news."