“What do you see better?”
“This entire thing. You were looking for fun and attention, beauty. And I gave it to you. And then I gave you more. I thought it was more. I thought I wanted more too. But that’s okay. You’re going to do whatever you want to do. Float around the world, right? Secretly hate everyone in your life but not do anything about it. And then move to the next one, right?”
“Who the fuck are you right now?” Vera snapped.
“I’m the one being honest,” I said. “You can stick to your lies. That’s all you have, right? You just live in the lies. I’m out of here.”
“I have no idea what’s going on right now,” she said as I walked down the steps.
“Good,” I said. “You can figure out the truth on your own.”
“Hil, where are you going?”
I stopped and looked back.
Vera looked ready to cry.
Standing outside the gigantic house.
“Tell me you didn’t know,” I said to her.
“Know what?”
“About Penelope,” I said.
She looked down at her feet.
And I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach with a two ton hammer.
“That’s what I thought,” I said.
“It’s not what you think, Hil. Let me come with you. I can tell you everything.”
I told myself to turn away. I had to turn away. I couldn’t fall for the pretty eyes. Or the sexy, black hair. Or the short shorts. Or her long legs. Or the way she wore long-sleeved tops all the time. I couldn’t let that shit get into my heart even more and fuck everything up for good.
I left Vera behind.
I gritted my teeth as I got on my motorcycle to leave.
I left my guitar behind on the porch.
A parting gift.
Almost like my heart.
Except the guitar wasn’t broken.
* * *
“Fuck.”
Ash just stared at me.
He looked away for a second.
Then he said it again.
“Fuck.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t tell Uly?”
“No,” I said. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I just saw her. That was it. I don’t know what the hell is really going on anymore, bro. I kind of feel like finding Mookey and beating the hell out of him just to do it. Start to beat everyone up. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of everything.”
“Just relax, Hil,” Ash said.
“Don’t tell me to fucking relax. You have your precious love waiting for you, don’t you?”
“Don’t start that.”
“Start what? The truth?”
“You want to go on the attack? Do it. Attack me, Hil. Come on. Let’s fight. Right now. And then you can call Uly and do the same thing. Burn it all down. Like you did before. Remember?”
“Fuck you, bro,” I said.
“You love her,” Ash said.
“I do not love Penelope.”
“I wasn’t talking about Penelope.”
“I know that,” I said.
“What do you want to do here?” Ash asked. “We have to talk to Uly. Maybe not right now. But we have to… fuck, this is a mess. This is a fucking disaster, Hil.”
“No, it’s not,” I said. “You know what? It’s not. She has a kid. Just like she told us before. It all lines up. Okay? She fucked with me and Uly for so long. And now she’s crashing at some house.”
“In the same house with a girl you love,” Ash said. “If that’s not…”
Ash looked away.
I saw the flicker of headlights.
I walked from the porch steps.
My heart slammed inside my chest.
I wanted it to be Vera.
That was all I could think and hope for.
That Vera was coming to chase my ass down. To punch me in the chest. To slap me across the face. To do anything to get my attention or get mad at me or just tell me everything she knew.
I watched as a figure got out of the car.
And as that figure moved toward me, I started to move back.
Shaking my head.
The night that refused to let up for even a fucking second.
Once again it was Penelope.
* * *
“I’m not hanging around for this,” Ash said.
“Hello there, Ashby,” Penelope said.
Her voice was smooth. Laced with lies.
It made me think about Vera.
She had had the same effect on me too.
Ash looked at me.
“Just go, bro,” I said. “I’ll take care of this.”
“Fuck this,” Ash said.
He stormed away and disappeared into the night.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Can’t I say hi to you?” Penelope asked.
“No,” I said. “Get out of here.”
I walked up the porch steps.
“You really need to hear everything I have to say, Hil. Believe me. You really do.”
I stood on the porch and looked down at her. “Yeah? That’s what you think, huh?”
“I know so,” she said. “I know about your little love thing going on over there. And you have no idea why I’m there. Or anything I’ve done. Or better yet… why I’m here right now…”
“Fuck,” I whispered.
She slowly walked up the steps and stood next to me.
She touched my arm.
I stepped away.
“Oh, I know how this goes, Hil,” she said. “You try to be so mad at me. And pull away. But we know where this ends.”
“Where’s that?”
“In your bed,” she whispered. “Me on top of you. Doing all those things… remember those things…?”
I smiled. “You’re actually forgettable, Penelope. So what the fuck do you really want?”
“Just wanted to talk. Catch up. It’s cold out here. Can we go inside?”
“Not going to happen,” I said.
“I have to pee.”
“Go find a tree to squat behind.”
She laughed. “You being mean and tough always got to me. You know, you don’t have to believe me but I think about you a lot. I think about Uly too. So don’t get all hard over there. At least not yet.”
“Nothing is getting hard near you,” I said.
“You made Vera cry.”
“Okay…”
“I’m just telling you. I had to get out of there. Listening to them…”
“And where’s your baby at?”
“With Veronica,” Penelope said.
“So how does that work?”
“See how interested you are now…” She shivered. “I really am cold. Want me to prove it to you, Hil?”
Penelope grabbed the bottom of her shirt.
“No need,” I said. “Not interested.”
“Aw, did I break you?” she asked. “Wait… did I make you and Uly find each other? And fall in love? Are you two… you know…”
I walked to the door and opened it. “You have five minutes, Penelope.”
She walked by me and paused to put a finger to my chin. “I’ve never needed more than that with you.”
She winked.
Evil hints at what she was capable of. Which was not shying away from comparing me to Uly. Lies and all. Knowing it would drive us apart.
I shut the door and watched as Penelope strolled through the living room.
She sat down on the couch and then brought her feet up and hugged her legs.
“Got a blanket for me?” she asked.
“No.”
“Then you could be my blanket,” she said.
“What do you want, Penelope?”
“How are you?”
“No,” I said.
“No?”
“Get to the point.”
“I am the point, Hil. I’ve always been the point. Things have been crazy for me. After having the baby… it
just kind of got scary. I was going to call you…”
“Call me?” I asked. “No. You’re not going to call me. I’m going to explain something right now. You’re going to leave in a few. And I never want to see you again. No matter what. There’s nothing you can say to change that. I don’t know how you are tied into Veronica and Vera… but I can just… it makes sense now. Vera was kind of like you. And I let it happen again.”
“Oh, you’re very wrong, Hil,” Penelope said. She kicked her feet off the couch and stood up. “Very wrong. I can change everything like that…” She snapped her fingers. “Now the question is… why is Penelope there? Why is Veronica watching her baby? It’s burning inside you to know, Hil. All the little secrets. Dirty and all. You want them. Just tell me how bad you want them.”
“I don’t give a shit about secrets,” I said. “I really don’t. You want that shit, beauty? Go down to Hidden Creek High. They love that shit. Better yet, go find Wes. Give him a little taste of what it’s like to be near you.”
“You’d miss me,” she said. “Like you do now. You’ve missed me all along.”
“I remember you being prettier,” I said. “And better at your flirting game. Motherhood ruined you. In more ways than one.”
I was well prepared to take cheap shots and not let up.
I had only ever seen Penelope cry once. And even then, I was sure it wasn’t real.
She slowly walked toward me, not bothered by what I had to say.
“The lines are so crossed and blurred, Hil,” she said. “The only thing that can save it all is me. With you. For real this time. Like it should have been. I was young and stupid with Uly. If you want to know the truth there, he made the first move on me. He knew we were together too. I don’t think he did it to exactly hurt you, but… the whole musician thing just got to him. He thought he was going to be big time. Without you. He told me that. He said he wrote the songs. You just screamed them like a bitch.”
I curled my lip.
I heard Uly’s voice in my head.
My own voice overpowered it.
This was what Penelope did.
She knew how to manipulate.
And it wasn’t going to work this time.
“You can scream like a bitch on your way out,” I said. “See you.”
I walked to the door and opened it.
“That’s it?”
“You’re not going to win,” I said. “I let you in to say something. And, look, it did nothing to me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t miss you.”
“But you love Vera, right? That little bitch… seriously?”
“I don’t love anyone,” I said. “I don’t need to.”
“That’s right. Hil just fucks and runs.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Well, I’m here,” she said. “We have time. I’ll be the one to run.”
“Not interested.”
Penelope nodded and walked to the door.
I backed away, not giving her a chance to corner me.
She started to pass through the door and she lowered her head.
And she started to cry.
All she needed to do was take one more step and I could slam the door and let her cry her way back to wherever she lived. For all I cared, she and Vera could cry together. Veronica too.
I had my own shit to deal with at BFH.
Penelope just stood there though.
Weeping.
Sobbing.
She finally looked back at me…
And the tears looked damn real.
Her face was puffy and messy.
Not some fake, pretty girl cry.
I shook my head. “It’s not going to work.”
“Nothing to work,” she said. “It’s not about us, Hil. It’s about our family.”
“Our family? What the hell does that mean?”
“Are you really going to make the mother of your daughter cry like this?”
* * *
Time just stopped.
Penelope sucked in a deep breath. She wiped her eyes.
And she didn’t move either.
I played out how she would have acted in my head.
The pity seeking slow walk away.
Or the lunge toward me to keep crying.
But the way she stood there…
Fuck, she’s feeling it.
“I’m going to ask-”
“Don’t ask,” she said. “It’s true. I would say I’m sorry but that’s worthless right now. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to tell you. But then I saw you. It just hit me. You should know. And I didn’t come here to play games. Sorry for everything I said. When I get scared, I get flirty. I make bad decisions. That’s the truth.”
“Care to explain?” I asked.
“Can I shut the door and stay for a minute longer?”
“I guess so.”
Penelope shut the door. “I’m cold, Hil. I’m fucking shaking over here. Okay? Can I just have a fucking blanket please?”
“Where is she now?” I asked. “Greta…”
“With Veronica,” Penelope said. “She’s kind of a nanny. I go to her though. I’ll explain everything.”
I slowly moved through the living room and got Penelope a fucking blanket.
She remained at the door, even though it was shut.
Standing there, hugging herself.
Five minutes ago she sat on the couch all flirty, wanting to fuck with me.
Now she was being serious.
Really serious.
I held the blanket out and she nodded. “Thank you.”
She reached out with a shaking hand.
I gritted my teeth and opened the blanket for her.
Then I put it around her.
I hadn’t been that close to her in a long time.
She inched forward and put her forehead to my chest.
For a second.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
My hands touched her arms through the blanket.
She looked up at me.
“I know what I did to you and Uly. All the messed up things. I ended up pregnant for real, okay? And, yeah, there was a boyfriend the entire time. But… no…”
“Greta is…”
“Yeah,” she said. “And I’m alone. Confused.”
“Fuck,” I whispered.
I walked Penelope to the couch and we sat down together.
She made herself comfortable and put her legs across mine.
I didn’t say or do anything.
“Just talk,” I said.
“I am. It’s what it looks like, Hil. Okay? I got away from you and Uly. I had to. And I was pregnant. Everything just started to fall apart. I had to stay hidden. My parents were ashamed of me. My boyfriend took off. He left the country. He took a job with his father in London. I decided to just punish myself then. I deserved it. And then I met Veronica. My mother was working with some company… fashion and stuff. The last thing I ever thought I’d care about. But, shocker, I like artsy stuff. Drawing clothes… I don’t know. It was something to do. And I could video chat and nobody could see my stomach. I was hidden, Hil.”
She looked at me.
Greta is my baby? So the real pregnancy… wasn’t just real… but mine… and…
“I actually was happy for a while, okay? I don’t want to say that because I know that will make you angry. And I understand why. But through Veronica we kind of became friends. I had the baby. She knows what I told her. And when I needed help… she was there. Her father and my father ended up working on some tech startup thing. For fun. My parents jetted off to London and I’ve been just stuck. Scared. Alone. So I offered to pay Veronica for help. Because I love Greta… but after doing it alone for so long… I need a break.”
Her eyes filled with tears again.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked.
“Whatever you want,” she said. “I’m not telling you to be a father. Or be involved. I’m just… I’m tired, Hil.
I’m tired of feeling it all so much.”
“I don’t even know what to feel right now,” I said. “What to say.”
“Maybe just get me a drink?” she asked. “Water even. I don’t care.”
“Yeah,” I said. I stood up. I looked down at her. “You told Vera about me. About the music. Right?”
“Veronica was a fan,” she said. “When I said I had a thing with you, she thought that was awesome. I told her about Uly. But we never said anything to Vera. Vera is weird. She’s not like me or Veronica. It’s for the better with her. Seriously.”
I walked to the kitchen and got a bottle of water.
I didn’t rush right back to Penelope though.
Instead I took a second to think.
Like that was going to fucking help a thing.
Or fix anything.
Or change anything.
My mind rushed back to that first time I saw Greta. When Vera was holding her. And when she looked at me… when I looked into Greta’s eyes… there was that intense moment where she looked so familiar to me.
And I just assumed it was because she looked like Vera. And then Veronica.
But now…
I pushed from the counter.
Nothing made sense.
But in some way I was this secret in the middle of everyone’s world.
It wasn’t a good feeling.
I walked to the couch and saw Penelope asleep.
Her head on the arm of the couch, curled up under the blanket.
Her phone in her hand.
I put the water bottle on the table and took her phone out of her hand.
And I read her last texts with Veronica.
Veronica told Penelope that Greta was sound asleep. And she told Penelope it was fine to be gone for the night.
I looked down at Penelope and shook my head.
I opened the pictures on her phone and most were pictures of Greta.
Something about looking at the pictures… they just hit me. In a way I couldn’t really explain. They just…
I closed the pictures and put her phone on the table.
My phone then went off with a text.
From an unknown number.
Want to know where Werthwood’s car is, motherfucker?
Chapter 18
I sat on my motorcycle and smoked a cigarette.
I was out on the last possible boundary of BFH.
Near the ocean.
HIL: a bay falls high novel Page 16
